I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

OP, is your husband armed forces?
Because there is an odd culture among many, especially with wives/civilians that might be at play here. I wouldn't rule out infidelity in this case either though.
If I'm correct feel free to message me.

I have an ED so my weight is what I tend to blame, I FEEL overweight constantly. I wear a size 6/8 when we first met I was closer to a size 4.
Not ignoring negative posts, just don't see how "get outta there" needs a response, like I said I want to fix it or work out what's going on. Also I know my husband and I'm certain he isn't gay, but will ask him and she what kind of a response that gets 🤷🏻‍♀️ x

This has been going on for a few years! And its only just dawned on you there is an issue. You have a great marriage yet you've only met 1 of his friends. This isn't protection, its control. Sounds like he's got a housekeeper with benefits.

You sound like you’re in your own head a lot. (I’m much the same way.) Very much keep to yourself and quiet. You think too much instead, insular, looking inward, instead of being free and natural with people. Try being outgoing, open, and friendly, look around you, not focus so much on your inner swirls of thoughts, and see what happens.

@MysteryBelle good ideas with regards to cultivating relationships and trying to help myself and get outta this rutt. I completely understand what you mean with being introverted, it's super hard xxx

"likes me to spend my days off with him where possible"
So he encourages you to spend your days off with family or your Dad.
Maybe he doesn't like you to be out and about getting to know new people.
Maybe him calling you from work is a sort of checking up on you.

You are a kind of beautiful caged bird but he discourages you from going to social events with him.
Why did you have such a small wedding overseas? Whose idea was that?
It's absolutely fine to be a person who keeps themselves to themselves and finds meeting people hard, that's OK. But he seems to encourage you to keep your world quite small.
Are you happy with your world being quite small?

What a truly bizarre thing to say.

• Stats on women in engineering: www.wes.org.uk/content/wesstatistics
• In tech: explodingtopics.com/blog/women-in-tech#women-in-tech-stats

Whatever your feelings about the sentence, a lot of tech and engineering is predominantly male. Stats are stats, and this is hardly new information.

Engineering link didn’t post properly, my apologies: www.wes.org.uk/content/wesstatistics

@Seaweed42 when I'm pushed to go out I get panicky but eventually am always glad I went.
Honestly I'm very blessed with my family and best friend and Its confusing because I don't overly want to go out but I feel very lonely, I spend the majority of my time alone, hence why I came to Mumsnet in the first place, I was alone and didn't know who else to turn to, I discuss most problems with my DH x

I didn’t say to leave or that he is gay, what??

Anyway, you are not overweight then. You seem to be fixated on having an eating disorder, you keep mentioning that. You’re not specific though. Are you saying your husband is afraid you’re going to go into the bathroom at the party/friends’ house and throw up your food? If so, his behavior makes sense (not good sense, but sense). Otherwise, there’s a mystery here and you don’t seem willing to really find out what it is regarding your husband or, to change some things about yourself. I’m not writing negative posts, I think we’re all trying to help you.

Is he maybe jealous and insecure about men being attracted to you? Could he be scared that you will meet someone else? It's interesting that you are this isolated and have zero self-esteem. I do wonder if he has low-key been eroding that over the years to keep you dependent on him, or maybe one of the reasons he chose you.

Apologies, I didn’t see your response here. So please disregard any harshness I put in my last post. I would be very curious as to what is going on. I would have to say flat out to him, why he keeps talking you out of going out with him. It is weird for sure. Especially going on for a long time. Good luck xx

I could have believed he was doing what he was doing out of concern for your well-being, but his gaslighting you about the lad’s night out makes me think he’s not as nice as you say he is.

@MysteryBelle yes sorry that part wasn't directed at you, more to an earlier post from someone else.
Your advice an perspective as a whole has been insightful and balanced, thank you.
I would just not eat at a social event, simple as that, I don't eat in front of other people, haven't done so for 18 years. I don't want my ED to become the focus as that's why it wasn't really mentioned in my original post, when there's any kind of issue DH tends to divert it to that.

I don't know how to ask him without him going on the defense, we haven't spoken since I initially brought it up and then pretty much locked myself in the bedroom (not out of fear I just wanted to be alone) I would like him just to be honest, if it's my fault or he's gay or he's having an affair or anything I just want the truth but don't know how to get it xxx thank you again xxx

That's quite a big thing to drip feed at this point in the thread. If he knows you won't eat anything at a dinner he might want to not put you in a difficult situation.

A/ He is gay.
B/ He has a steady relationship with so else.
C/ You are mismatched couple in his mind and you won't fit in. ("race", religion. class...)
D/ All of the above
Pick your choice.

Just read the update. Seriously? What a drip feed OP. So no he can't invite you with strangers. It will get the matters worst. (for you).

But why not just say? We discuss my ED openly with each other and he could easily say it's a meal rather than lie and say it's lads only. Also we could easily meet them after for drinks, I've not eaten around ppl for 18 years, trust me there's a million ways to get around it and he knows if he said to me it's a dinner you can come and just not eat I'd happily do that, I do it with family x

Reading this, it struck so many chords with me, I have a friend with an ED and she does not eat out in public. I reckon your dh doesn’t want to either put you in the situation of having to eat in public, or would be embarrassed at you not eating at a dinner party or social event, which would undoubtedly cause raised eyebrows amongst his colleagues and wags, or a combination of the two.

"@thewolfandthesheep
A/ He is gay.
B/ He has a steady relationship with so else.
C/ You are mismatched couple in his mind and you won't fit in. ("race", religion. class...)
D/ All of the above
Pick your choice".

⬆️ this.

This, me and dp have been together over 20 years and have dc but I much prefer to go out to do's etc without him as I have a much better time as he can be shy and socially awkward whilst I'm more socialable. I feel I can't relax the same and enjoy myself and mix as i don't like to leave him just sat there in the corner. I wish he was different and more fun and sociable in these situations but suppose he's not going to change now at mid 40s. other than that he's a wonderful man.

Maybe he’s just fed up with it, the hiding of it, and it’s just easier to lie….

Very good looking man picks a partner who is clearly vulnerable and then keeps her socially isolated and convinced he’s her knight in shining armour. Sinister.

he knows if he said to me it's a dinner you can come and just not eat I'd happily do that

That would make it awkward for everyone else so I don't imagine he'd want to you to come in that circumstance. What would your reaction have been if he'd said it's a dinner so there is no point in you coming? Maybe he lied to spare your feelings.

Sorry to hear about your friend, and yes I 100% get eyebrows are raised and people are not blind to it, I always tell DH this but he thinks because No1 mentions it that they don't know 🤦🏻‍♀️
And I get people thinking AHA this is the reason then and it's genuinely why it's gone on for so long without me questioning it, I assumed it was due to the food or something, but then It doesn't explain why I've not been invited to drinks, or concerts or sports events when they have gone in the past, these aren't all sat around a table awkwardly xxx