Trigger Warning - Why don’t you do everyone a favour and kill yourself

[Partyofuno]

Is the lovely thing my husband said to me this morning. We have 2 dc and they heard, my poor toddler is traumatised. To add insult to injury, I had v severe pnd with my first and planned to end my life, bought a rope at the time he found it and hid it, when he told me to go kill myself today he threw the same rope at me and told me to use it. What sparked this was me telling him he was taking ages getting ready, he then started mocking and mimicking me and I told him that’s not cool and it find it really triggering (abusive childhood and feelings were often invalidated through mimicry) he carried on and then I told him that I can’t do this anymore and viola descended into a tirade of verbal abuse about how fat I am, how ugly I am, how I have no one and the piece de resistance that everyone would be Better off if I was dead.

i know, Ltb and obviously I will, this is misery and hell and I can’t forgive him for putting my children through this. He doesn’t want a divorce though and will make things ugly, as you can tell things are already ugly. I tried to leave with the kids earlier but he took all the house keys and then accused me of traumatising my toddler.

i don’t have anyone to talk to, I’m all alone, I just have to get what happened out.

just to say I did have a lot of therapy and counselling after I felt suicidal with pnd and took meds and in time felt a lot better

Not piling on just sharing that I have had that experience to. Also had experience of the police not being helpful. I reported death threats six times earlier this year. Want to know how many incidents were recorded? Zero. Spent three hours making a statement. NFA. Oh and the threats were made via WhatsApp, so I had evidence. Womens aid are your best bet for help to leave. I know how hard it is. I know how trapped you feel. I know that knot of panic. I know the spinning feeling. I was with him for twenty years. Twenty years of hell. Don't be me is all I'm trying to say.

@dadadeedadada omg that's insane?! Did you have an ABE interview? For your statement. I cannot believe it was NFA?!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Try to hold on until tomorrow and follow up on solicitors. Some do a free 20 min session, others are fixed fee. Try thinking which questions you really need answers for and write them down somewhere. Perhaps hide it in a birthday card so it looks like you are going to the post box.

Have you tried the national abuse holiness that somebody else posted? Also some councils or citizens advice centres are able to offer basic help in these situations, eg benefits, list of mediators etc.

Good luck and strength for tomorrow. Keep posting as there are many women who can offer support and let you know you are not alone

hotline* no idea where holiness came from 😮

So, so sad! I hope you eventually get away from this bully you live with. Must be really hard having nobody to turn to

Hoping you are able to get hold of more people tomorrow and start to get this sorted OP

So annoyed about the police attitude, the harm that could cause

Keep going

Hope you are ok enough @Partyofuno

Thinking of you x

I'm so sorry to hear of all the horrors you have had to deal with throughout your life op.

Wishing you and you dc all the best.

Please consider calling citizens advice. They will have a list of domestic abuse charities in your local area.

Women's aid are great but so so busy right now and somewhere local may have more availability to help you.

If they do go to playgroup or nursery tell someone there, the organiser, their key worker. Someone, get it on record with anyone you can. Call the police, call women's aide. The more places you tell the more chances it'll stick. It needs to go on record so you can keep your children safe, so YOU can be safe. You don't deserve this, you deserve to be safe and feel safe and cherished in your own home.

Sorry for my other post repeating old advice OP. I was thinking doing the freedom course might be good, proof that you're trying to break the cycle of abuse. I don't know if it would help to show he's abusive, might be only a slim chance, but sometimes it can help in court to show that you've taken steps to improve things. As well as there being emotional and verbal abuse it does sound like some of what he's doing might fall under coercive control. I'm sorry you're being let down by the very people who are supposed to help.

Still thinking of you OP and hoping you are quiet as you are planning things

The police never came. CAB gave me a list of womens refuges in the area (yes we need to stay in the area for nursery and work) and they are all full so no joy there. I’m not in a position to be paying £150 per night for a hotel. Especially as after an initial chat with a solicitor, they’ve advised that divorce itself isn’t particularly costly, where it gets into the tens of thousands is the division of assets, sale of property (which isnt going to be ideal In this climate) and the biggie is child custody, especially if the other party gets nasty (which we think he will). They said the police are notoriously bad unfortunately for verbal abuse and even minor physical altercations because there is no evidence. Will be filling for no fault divorce with mediation in the hope that third parties can show him the detriment of a long legal battle on the children, but for the mean time as he won’t go, we’ll be cohabitating (I’m sleeping in the spare bedroom )

The police never came.
They would have, had you called 999 following his forceful removal of your keys & refusal to allow you to leave the house.

This isn't said to scold you OP - but to make you remember to make that 999 call next time.
Because there will be a next time. Please protect yourself. There is no point calling the non-emergency line when you are trying to report serious domestic abuse.

Except they told me that I’d be facing charges for wasting police time

How strange of them to say you'd face charges for 'wasting their time' how is this wasting it? He wouldn't let you leave.

Ridiculous.

Your solicitor gave some decent advice maybe ring a few others. If you can at least report it as DV.

You can get free legal aid and also will help in family court having it all reported. Easier to prove abuse in family court vs criminal court.

I guess now due to so many cuts they don’t consider it an emergency unless there is a person waving a gun in your face. I don’t qualify for legal aid regrettably. I’ve spoke to two now who said v similar and basically because my hubby isn’t daft, I have no proof of anything and it’s very very difficult to prove abuse in any court just on allegations alone as unfortunately there’s lots of malicious ones made all the time.

@rmummyofone our stories are so so similar, we’re Muslim too and now dh has been saying he wants a 3rd baby also. Although he never cheated but isn’t it funny, the other baby thing, must be a means to trap the woman and make it more difficult to leave

Except they told me that I’d be facing charges for wasting police time
Are you sure about that?
Who told you this? How did they phrase it? Did you make a note of their name, & do you know what their role was?

If you rang 999, you could ask to speak to a domestic abuse specialist, who are trained not to come out with this kind of claptrap.

That was a direct quote, when I got a bit irritated with the 101 call handler when they said it wasn’t a criminal matter and a he said she said, even in light of the bruises because it was only an argument and it was in the past. I said I was going to end this call and call 999 and they said they had a note of my name and address and I could face charges for wasting police time.

i did take a note of their name and job within my local force to make a formal complaint because the way she spoke to me was disgusting

I don't believe for a second that the police would charge you for wasting police time and it is outrageous that somebody said that to you. Definitely make a complaint about that. It is disgusting.

My DP called 999 following an issue with neighbours which we'd had for months and months. They didn't come out but they also didn't suggest that we'd wasted their time.

I'm afraid I have no experience or advice regarding the situation you are in but I wish you lots of strength to get through the divorce.

That was a direct quote, when I got a bit irritated with the 101 call handler when they said it wasn’t a criminal matter and a he said she said, even in light of the bruises because it was only an argument and it was in the past. I said I was going to end this call and call 999 and they said they had a note of my name and address and I could face charges for wasting police time.
It's a real shame that this officer is unprofessional & ignorant OP.
And that is not your fault, & neither should it colour your impression of the entire force.

Next time your H abuses you, threatens you, or locks you into your house - call 999.

How crazy. Yes I guess our stories are really similar, maybe it is a thing where they pester for another baby. Mine was doing it well over a year until subconsciously I'd avoid sex altogether and any kind of intimacy too which was then turned back on me when he did cheat.

Maybe having more kids is a way to control you / pride thing in culture.

The list is endless. I'm so sorry yours was so cunning he didn't leave any evidence of it. It sucks. It really does.

Here for you. Lots of love and hugs.

Please call 999 should he dare to do anything more.

@Partyofuno sorry just noticed you said you are Muslim - would this helpline be easier/quicker: www.mwnhelpline.co.uk

Apologies if not appropriate or useful.