Trigger Warning - Why don’t you do everyone a favour and kill yourself

[Partyofuno]

Is the lovely thing my husband said to me this morning. We have 2 dc and they heard, my poor toddler is traumatised. To add insult to injury, I had v severe pnd with my first and planned to end my life, bought a rope at the time he found it and hid it, when he told me to go kill myself today he threw the same rope at me and told me to use it. What sparked this was me telling him he was taking ages getting ready, he then started mocking and mimicking me and I told him that’s not cool and it find it really triggering (abusive childhood and feelings were often invalidated through mimicry) he carried on and then I told him that I can’t do this anymore and viola descended into a tirade of verbal abuse about how fat I am, how ugly I am, how I have no one and the piece de resistance that everyone would be Better off if I was dead.

i know, Ltb and obviously I will, this is misery and hell and I can’t forgive him for putting my children through this. He doesn’t want a divorce though and will make things ugly, as you can tell things are already ugly. I tried to leave with the kids earlier but he took all the house keys and then accused me of traumatising my toddler.

i don’t have anyone to talk to, I’m all alone, I just have to get what happened out.

just to say I did have a lot of therapy and counselling after I felt suicidal with pnd and took meds and in time felt a lot better

🥺 so sorry for what you're going through OP. I wish I could do something to help.

He sounds like a nightmare. Please record ANY conversations even if they seem normal, his threats tone etc police will want to hear.

It's not right he's threatening to flat out lie to the police. My ex would often gaslight me by making me believe I'm crazy / bipolar / threats to call police if I ever stood up for myself (even if I wasn't raising my voice)

Like your husband, exaggerate if I did ANYTHING even if I held his hand he'd whack my hand away.

Abuse is not always apparent too, sometimes it's with gaslighting you out of your own reality, coercion, threats to report or "out" you. So so so much more.

I posted a thread on here last year and I ignored a lot of the posters saying it's abuse, a year later I updated it recently realising all these women were saving me from it getting worse (which yes it usually does) I thought the women didn't understand it fully, I believed it wasn't THAT serious.

How someone treats you is a reflection of them. He isn't respecting you! Imagine your daughter being treated that way, what would you tell her?

So much love for you OP. You're so incredibly brave. Today is just step 1 to a better life for you and the little ones.

Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4415137-husband-desperately-wants-another-baby-but-i-don-t-feel-ready

The thread I posted last year totally unaware it was abuse that escalated VERY far a few months later. I never thought it’d happen to me, and still don’t believe it’s real sometimes. How can someone you love be this way?

You’ve got this, we’re all here with you.

This!

Op you are stronger than you think. You will survive this and you and your children will have a better life.

Where abouts in the country are you?

Record him saying these things on your phone - put it in your pocket and record it

record it all

please record what he is saying

phone the police again tell them he is abusing you in front of the children and they need to send someone now tell them - don’t ask

tell them you don’t feel safe and he is continuing to abuse and threaten you and you are terrified tell them

How are things OP?

Nothing from the police, and couldn’t get through to womens aid.

thinks are ok, insofar as it’s calm, and dcs are happy but I’ve just had outbursts of crying all day. It hit me that I’ve walked from abusive relationship to abusive relationship to abusive relationship my whole life. What a life wasted. You know it happens right, but when it’s you, it hits different, I’m a statistic. It took 30 years to realise that what I went through growing up was child Abuse and not my fault and I knew with hindsight my past relationships were different flavours (if you will) of abuse but I’d always sort of told myself my marriage wasn’t, I was one of the lucky ones. Looks like I wasn’t, and I’m not, and this was just another flavour of abuse after all.

This isn't your fault Partyofuno. And your life isn't wasted at all, the mum of two lovely children, how can that be a waste? ❤️ abusive people have a certain charm, a way of reeling you in- otherwise people would run in the opposite direction. Make sure you are keeping your online history safe, log out of here and clear your history as you go. Take care and keep going. This may be one of the most dangerous times for you (wanting to leave) so keep on high alert and have a low threshold for calling the police. Keep going- you can do this 💪

So sorry you couldn't get through to WA

Yours is not a life wasted at all.
You have a future ahead of you which you can now shape for you and dc
You are growing stronger all the time
You know previous issues have been abusive towards you and are not your fault
You are the better person

Keep at this - you have started and you will finish

You keep saying that you're worried he will turn things back on you and characterise you as unstable etc which is totally valid. But by not seeking help by telling people, in future when you need people to believe you it will be your word against his. Go to the police, go to women's aid, go to the nursery and tell them what has happened. Write down the exact incidents and share them with the police or at the very least save them yourself somewhere (online). Go to a nieghbour if you can and say can I come in for half an hour while my husband calms down, and tell them what happened. Some people won't want to get involved (although most would try to help I hope), but if you're clear you're not asking for anything from them, then at least they are a "witness" in case it comes to your word against his.
He wants you to be alone so he can control you. It might be embarrassing, awkward, terrifying to go to people for help or just to tell them, but it's the best thing to do on every level.

He has a plan of how to discredit you. You need a plan of how to evidence what has happened to protect yourself and your children.

You haven't wasted your life, your life is just beginning. Don't let him have the satisfaction of taking that from you too, the world is your oyster.

Some deep healing and therapy to heal those childhood wounds will stop you attracting people like that again. Sometimes with childhood trauma we become internalisers and have a lot of empathy, sometimes too much. This makes us magnets for those who die to their childhood trauma are externalisers and will blame anyone but themselves (with a huge lack of empathy) it's a toxic dynamic that's beyond the chemistry when you first meet someone.

Funnily enough a health relationship may seem 'boring' having experienced a toxic one. Haven't had a healthy one, only ever had one 'love' who unfortunately has scarred me from his awful behaviour. So can't speak for this myself.

The deep healing is very very needed and will be so beneficial to you. I'm on this journey with you.

Hoping to read "why does he do that" with the freedom course to keep me occupied and more aware of the signs to look out for should I (if I ever can) get in a relationship again - or simply to raise awareness anyway as my particular community doesn't have much for younger women in this regard. Many of go into marriage without a relationship (not in my case I got to know my ex prior to marriage but even that wasn't enough for me to take red flags seriously) These girls tolerate a lot until they're left as a shell of a person again, due to abuse they internally normalised from their childhood wounds.

Sorry I missed a few messages before sending my response, glad you have gone to the police. Can you record things he says at all do you think? Like leave your phone recording for a while?
Also, you've not continued the cycle of abuse at all. You are not abusing your children, they have a loving parent.
Sounds like it will be really hard to trust the police but do try, you need them on your side and if they feel you are being dishonest with them (eg if they get a hostile or guarded reaction from you, which is for good reason but they don't know that), it might affect how they treat you.

I hope you are ok this morning @Partyofuno
You really don’t deserve any of this. He is lashing out trying to hurt and frighten you. Stand your ground.

He has a plan of how to discredit you. You need a plan of how to evidence what has happened to protect yourself and your children.

Agree with this ^

i called them back this morning and they have said that they aren’t sending anyone around as they don’t have the staff and there is no proof of any danger or that even a crime has occurred as it is after the fact, I pointed out that I called yesterday, I said I’ll call 999 then and they said I’ll be wasting police time which is a criminal offence, this is a domestic dispute and a he said she said, it’s not for the police to resolve. I’ve taken that persons name and will be making a formal complaint actually because that’s fucking disgraceful.

god love this country and all the cuts, so glad more are coming

Keep going @Partyofuno. Have you tried Women’s Aid again? He is trying to get control over you. Keep silently strong.

I don’t think the chatbot is working tbh, I’m actually finding it more stressful that these agencies that are signposted to help, actually slam the door in your face and refuse to help, so I’m rapidly losing patience with it all.

luckily, I say knowing it’s not actually a good thing, but I have a big bruise on my arm from yesterday, no idea what caused it, definitely wasn’t a whack or hit, must have been trying to get out of the door, so that can count as some evidence, but the woman on the phone from the police turned around and said that the bruise could have come from anything or anywhere and be old, it’s not proof. This country is not set up for women.

So sorry to hear that and glad you are complaining. The state of public services in this country is terrifying (not to derail this, but who the hell is voting Tory???), and policing especially seems so hit and miss whether you get well trained understanding people or whether you get the kind of people we keep hearing about in the news with their stone age views. It makes me so angry that anyone, never mind police, can fail to understand that "minor" behaviour escalates. And being imprisoned in your own home, pushing and psychological abuse is not minority either. It's all criminal behaviour! Have they not heard of coercive control laws?!

It's these attitudes that led to Sarah Everard's murder - him exposing himself to women wasn't taken seriously and his behaviour escalated. Obviously I hope you are physically safe but they don't know that you are!

Hi op. My very abusive in every way ex said this to me in front of my son. It was the straw that broke as they say. I put up with the bearings, the rapes, the emotional abuse, the psychological warfare, but that was it. I bin bagged myself and the kids and slept on my mums floor for the best part of three months. Leave.

Sorry you went through that. But your comment is really irritating, with the ‘leave’ what do you think I’m desperately trying to do!!!!! I’ve called the police twice to remove him from my house, tried womens aid and nothing. I’ve even tried the local refuges which I also can’t get through to. He’s not left the house since yesterday. My only recourse is what a divorce solicitor can tell me tomorrow and what advice they can give . You piling it on isn’t helpful

Wow this is profound and exactly it! I’m going to read more into this. I think I’ve excused his behaviour in the past due to his own horrible childhood but what you’ve posted makes a lot of sense.

Hi Op. Are you wanting to leave the house (with the children of course) yourself, or for him to leave?

You need to get away from him, and safely. If he refuses to leave you have no option but to leave yourself. So keep trying WA and start making plans. Take photos of that bruise. If you feel in any way threatened by him, call 999. If you try to leave and he stops you, call 999.

You called the non-emegency Police line yesterday so they've treated it as that - a non-emergency. If you want a fast Police response you have to call 999.

The priority is to get away from him. You can then talk to your solicitor and see if you can get back in to the house, and him out. Even if you have to walk away from the house forever, it's your joint house so you're still entitled to half of it.

Stay strong. There are people out there who will help you. You've had some horrific experiences and so have stopped expecting people to be kind and helpful.

Ideally I want him out, I can’t afford to buy another house or even rent one in the area (which I’d need to be for nursery and work), he already owns another property so he literally has somewhere else to live. So it’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to leave.

101 said if I called 999 I’d be the one in trouble and facing charges for wasting police time actually, what a joke

What the actual fuck? That's disgusting. To threaten a victim of abuse with that. To put them off dialing 999 ... when you may well need to do so if things escalate.

Please don't try and leave without support, it's dangerous.

Call the police.

Been there, done that. Not working, they don’t care. I’ll be the one who will be facing charges apparently for wasting police time. Gotta love that