Trigger Warning - Why don’t you do everyone a favour and kill yourself

[Partyofuno]

Is the lovely thing my husband said to me this morning. We have 2 dc and they heard, my poor toddler is traumatised. To add insult to injury, I had v severe pnd with my first and planned to end my life, bought a rope at the time he found it and hid it, when he told me to go kill myself today he threw the same rope at me and told me to use it. What sparked this was me telling him he was taking ages getting ready, he then started mocking and mimicking me and I told him that’s not cool and it find it really triggering (abusive childhood and feelings were often invalidated through mimicry) he carried on and then I told him that I can’t do this anymore and viola descended into a tirade of verbal abuse about how fat I am, how ugly I am, how I have no one and the piece de resistance that everyone would be Better off if I was dead.

i know, Ltb and obviously I will, this is misery and hell and I can’t forgive him for putting my children through this. He doesn’t want a divorce though and will make things ugly, as you can tell things are already ugly. I tried to leave with the kids earlier but he took all the house keys and then accused me of traumatising my toddler.

i don’t have anyone to talk to, I’m all alone, I just have to get what happened out.

just to say I did have a lot of therapy and counselling after I felt suicidal with pnd and took meds and in time felt a lot better

No!

Your employer cannot punish you for your husband's actions.
They cannot penalise or discriminate against you for being in a coercively controlling relationship.

I don’t feel suicidal now, I haven’t for a long time.

i didn’t threaten it, ie and empty hollow threat, im ashamed to say I planned it but now I can look back and realise that it was in part to abuse back then, that I just didn’t recognise as abuse because it’s all I’ve known.

dont worry, I don’t feel any inclination to harm myself, I’m just hurt that it was thrown back in my face

I know :(. That seems to be the theme of my life, abuse. Fucking sucks. Worse still, is that he’s saying it’s all my fault and I caused all of this and pushed him.

this is something my mother used to do when she’d attack me. I know this behaviour

I expect your husband knows this too.
Stop listening to him, & don't respond to him. Disengage as much as you can.

Do you have access to your house keys yet?

I can’t believe what I’ve just read! What he said and throwing the rope at you was the most horrifically cruel thing.

I haven’t read the whole thread and I’m sure there’s been some good advice on how to leave him, please do this.

I send you so much love.

I can’t leave my kids with him and he wouldn’t let me take them. I don’t really want to get the police around because I think it could further traumatise my toddler who is now repeating over and over I don’t want mummy to die. He’ll turn it around on me as well, say I threatened to kill myself, he’s laughing that he’ll do that now becuase it’s ‘all on file about how crazy I am’

I would call the police for him not letting you leave the house. Its a crime. Would be great if they could arrest him and get him out right? But best case scenario at least you have his controlling behaviour on record.

*worst case scenario

he won’t leave, obviously because that would be the decent thing to do. I’ve read (because I have been reading up on this for a while) that you shouldn’t leave your home if you own it because that can mean the other party can take it.
There is no legal means for him to do that.

However ... if you do leave (& I suspect this would be for the best, if you can manage it) do NOT leave without taking copies of ALL financial info. Mortgage, house deeds, salary info, bank accounts, savings, pensions, cars ... everything. Also take your & DC's passports, medical certificates etc.

Unless he is prepared to forge your signature, there is nothing he can do to deprive you of your half (at least) of that house's value, & half of all the shared assets. He also cannot object to a divorce. he can be as arsey about it as he wants, but he cannot prevent you from divorcing him.

Can you talk to Womens Aid & get signposting to any help that might be available with temporary accommodation? You'd feel better if you could get you & the DC away from this appalling man. Do you work, do you have access to money?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are going through this.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].
We see you are getting some wonderful support from your fellow Mumsnetters - support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Wishing you the very best💐
MNHQ

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You need to contact woman's aid now. You can do it discretely on the phone.

Does your toddler go to nursery, play group? What if they repeat what happened? If anyone with safeguarding knowledge hears that they will have safeguarding concerns. You need to let them know rather than they find out from your child

i am sorry you are going through this

So sorry you are going through this! Definitely give women’s aid a call, you definitely need to get away from him, I know you say you only have fair weather friends but could you reach out to one of them and tell them, there’s no way I would turn my back on someone in need even if I didn’t know them that well!

I lost my only close relative not too long ago and was distraught, they all turned their backs then, so I’m pretty sure that it would be the same now

Bloody hell, I’ve read some awful things but this is the worst. What an absolute c*
You have to get out with your children asap. I feel like saying have my spare room, get in the car or on a train, just get away from this awful, vile man.
Im so sorry.

Yes I’m terrified of that and that he’ll turn it all around on me too

Sending hugs , he is awful. Please don't put up with this

What's he doing right now?

Also I just want to make it clear as per the MN post, I’m not asking for any money, rooms or anything other than a little virtual hand hold :)

That’s why you need to do something first and take control. Get advice from the experts

I can’t leave my kids with him and he wouldn’t let me take them. I don’t really want to get the police around because I think it could further traumatise my toddler who is now repeating over and over I don’t want mummy to die.
My dear, your toddler is one of the main reasons you need to call the police. You need to protect them from their dreadful father.
You need a formal record of your H's coercive control & emotional abuse.
You need it documented that he took your keys & refused to allow you to leave the house.
You also need his taunts about suicide on record. And the fact that HE DID ALL THIS IN FRONT OF YOUR TODDLER.

He’ll turn it around on me as well, say I threatened to kill myself, he’s laughing that he’ll do that now becuase it’s ‘all on file about how crazy I am’
You need to stop giving a shit about what he says, & start getting cold & angry about what he is doing to you & your child.

Please call the police, & please get help from WA.

That is so awful for you. Can you go and stay with a family member for a day or 2 to gather your thoughts and get some mental support. Wishing you strength

Which is why you need to set it on record with the police.

This and phone and report him to the police now - this is assault it is mental verbal emotional abuse of not only you but your children.

this is simply put one of the most horrific things I have heard ever

Darling, don't worry about that. You don't need to defend yourself here

This is the worst thing I've ever read on here. Your poor kids and you deserve so much better. Definitely call womens aid and the police, what a cruel cruel bastard.
You have the support of everyone on here behind you, please get help today x