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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found messages tonight..need someone to talk to.

161 replies

Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 00:44

Me and my partner haven't been sleeping in same bed mainly as I work at nights lately.
I heard pinging coming from his phone and I just had this feeling and thought nah that's crazy ..

Went upstairs to say goodnight and a message popped up on his phone and I just looked at it like I was going to see the time with the phone locked (I would never go through his phone ect) but it shown a WhatsApp message saying 'sorry I'll behave '

I asked him and he just said it was a lady from work. The women he works for..

I went downstairs and just felt something wrong so I went back up half hour later and asked to see the messages as I said it would eat me up otherwise he said okay baby at this point I thought I was being over the top.

He then looked surprised when I was like please show me and he tried to scroll past really quickly but she has deleted 8 messages before hand. With a message saying glad you can delete messages on here . An another sorry I'll behave.

He said I was breaking his trust even though I was right next to him he tried to snatch it out my hand and then I got it and had a better look not at much but she has said she enjoyed their chats more than she should.

He came downstairs and we talked he said he doesn't think anything of it as if this is normal.
He then went on to say she's a multimillionaire what would she see in a guy like him along with that's she proper sounds and attractive when I asked wish I didn't.

He said he would do nothing as we had kids and he loves me and it really isn't like that.

I have no money to leave no car. I just want to cry I have two kids with him not married I am fucked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 08:50

Crazypaving22 · 27/10/2022 08:41

It sounds like he doesn't want you anywhere near his phone. His affair is not over. You're now in the situation where you know he's cheating still and he's angry with you for trying to take his source of ego kibbles and good feels from him. This bit is hell to live through, you'll be second guessing everything and hypervigilance will develop which will lead to anxiety. Google 180 amd surviving infidelity. You need to disconnect from him to gain some clarity and distance.

You know he's abusive, you know he's still involved with the AP. Continue to focus on how to extricate yourself from him.

He is not safe at all for you.

Yeah he's on edge too I messaged him saying have a great day and he rang me straight back like what was that about more or less so anything i do is making him second guess.

You're right it won't be because he works with her and even yesterday he said she's so nice and I said how can she be so nice trying it on with you at midnight knowing you have a partner and two kids and she has a partner and 4 kids and he was like it's not like that. I stupidly asked if he thought she was nicer than me and he didn't answer. Feel like a stupid child.

I've lost half a stone not eaten for two days as my stomach is just churning.
Can't believe this is happening. I want to look at his phone now I want that final nail in the coffin so I can't think I've blown things out of portion but talking to a friend we've wrote all the stuff that's happened over past few years when it's been bad and the list is so long and she saved old convos and pics of brusies I forgot about. One occasion he ripped baby gate off henges and smashed it a pieces before coming towards me with it and my brain had just erased this crazy dangerous shit.

I really hope if anyone is reading this and in similar makes notes somewhere. This has helped me so much to see the pattern and how many days or events have been ruined.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 08:53

I forgot about days out like i had an important event in London and at night time he abandoned me saying he was going home when we had booked a hotel and I was just walking round London with no money and this was the time that Sarah girl was kidnapped and killed and I just remember thinking he just does not give a shit about me.

My brain just brushed this off but luckily my friend has been keeping notes and shared them with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 08:57
  • sorry if my writing is not thought out well and grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm trying to type when I can and it's bit rushed.

So many events that have just gone from memory.

I had a day of filming for a big channel which I was just so excited after and he was impatient waiting for me because we went over the time by a bit and he was annoyed by this so wore his ear pods for whole drive home when I just wanted to share the amazing day I had with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 09:02

When it was windy and we had that storm we lost fence panels and the gate to our garden which we have a path people walk along and he was annoyed for some reason and he left the back door open when going to work and we could of lost the dog or someone could come in the house he leaves before some of us wake up sometimes and it's things like that I would tell his mum and she'd make out its not a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 09:10

On their own they may not sound so bad but together it's not great. The bruises I have were from him pinching my stomach when he would make jokes about my weight.

Realize now I'm not even that big I'm taller than him and for my height even at a size 12 that's is perfectly healthy size to be and not big enough to be making sound effects when I sit down and joke about things bouncing off me.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 09:11

Jesus. From the first post I had no idea this enormous swamp of abuse from him lurked behind it.

Your poor woman. When you’re free, you’ll be happy and all your successes will come to fruition. He won’t ruin your life anymore.

Alcemeg · 27/10/2022 09:11

Gosh OP

I stupidly asked if he thought she was nicer than me and he didn't answer
He hates you, makes that clear in every way he can (including denying it when pushed, to add to the torture), and sounds actually quite dangerous.

I'm so glad the scales have fallen from your eyes, or started to.

Thank goodness for your friend who has made notes, so that you can't just erase "old convos and bruises" from your memory bank!

Can your friend help you find somewhere to go? Anywhere would be better than sharing a house with this creep, let alone a bed where you have to shuffle around so as not to interrupt his lifeline to ego strokes. Whatever next...

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 09:23

Alcemeg · 27/10/2022 09:11

Gosh OP

I stupidly asked if he thought she was nicer than me and he didn't answer
He hates you, makes that clear in every way he can (including denying it when pushed, to add to the torture), and sounds actually quite dangerous.

I'm so glad the scales have fallen from your eyes, or started to.

Thank goodness for your friend who has made notes, so that you can't just erase "old convos and bruises" from your memory bank!

Can your friend help you find somewhere to go? Anywhere would be better than sharing a house with this creep, let alone a bed where you have to shuffle around so as not to interrupt his lifeline to ego strokes. Whatever next...

Unfortunately not my friend has a baby in small accommodation and works from home she said an emergency night or two she could but I don't want to put that on her incase I get stuck there she's literally all the support I have.

The refuge I would want to go to you ring and it's day by day if there's any spaces.
My friend said she would hire a van a pull a sicky to help me get stuff in storage. I'm thinking of getting keys copied so I can get my workshop/business stuff once I'm gone as I won't be able to take much and it's not something I would be able to afford again anytime soon and I want to be back on my feet not just me but for my girls sake it's important I can pick up my business next year.

The refuge said they will help with benefits, housing schools all sorts they can do so I feel better knowing it's not just arriving and no idea what I do next.

I decided now I would go back to the city I lived in as much as I worry I'm being selfish being in this remote town won't help me with a new life and the kids are so so young I feel it's okay?

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 09:27

He's still strongly believes if he we break up me and the girls stay in the house. (His house) An I said how is that healthy when you would be able to come and go and I wouldn't be able to apply for benefits? He said it would be til we sorted somewhere but I don't believe him I think he would go back to his mum's probably continue with affairs have his cake so to say and come back home when he felt he wanted.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 27/10/2022 09:27

Good grief. What a monster, he is seething underneath with such contempt and evilness.

It's good you and your friend made note of these incident of abuse as you're right it is easy to brush them aside when thing move on and they have a few moments of kindness. Making the list and reading it over and over every time I doubted my decision was how I broke free of the jerk I was married to.

Do what you need to to get the hell out of there. I sense the strength you have and see you stronger and more assured with each post.
Flowers

oishutup · 27/10/2022 09:32

He sounds absolutely horrific and you sound amazing OP. Really strong and resilient. Sending you lots of strength as you navigate the next chapter.

cjcghana · 27/10/2022 09:46

Nothing to add than what others have written but get out as soon as you can. 💐

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 10:03

I still feel so sick.

I can see he's on WhatsApp alot and the things he's said and the weird act over the phone charger he got angry about it just shows he's still hiding stuff. I just want to know so there's no doubts left in my mind. I know my kids will find it hard moving and not seeing him.

I asked refuge how long people stay in there and she said anywhere from 3 months to 1 and half years and I'm worried it will be harder to live there than here I know that sounds silly but it's scary.

I asked how will they see him? She said they wouldn't for awhile then on mutual ground and I just feel it will be so hard and I will be mad out to be the monster for putting him through that and the girls when they have home here an his parents near by and nursery

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 27/10/2022 10:30

I will be made out to be the monster
I'm so sorry OP, I think you have to brace yourself for not being understood by anyone except your friend. Worse than that, you will come under heavy fire.

You'll have the strength to get through it as long as you believe that what you are doing is necessary and right.

It is.

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 11:05

Also a few weeks ago he came home from work with an item brand new worth 400/600 pounds and said she was just throwing it out so he could have it. It's now in the centre of the house and I now see this was highly inappropriate given the context now. Feel like such a mug.

OP posts:
conversationsinthedark · 27/10/2022 15:05

Hey lovely, I see your nervous about going to a refuge..I was in one in December 2020 so if you have any questions I'm happy to answer them, here or via private message. You've got this! Xx

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 15:07

conversationsinthedark · 27/10/2022 15:05

Hey lovely, I see your nervous about going to a refuge..I was in one in December 2020 so if you have any questions I'm happy to answer them, here or via private message. You've got this! Xx

Would love to chat please. I haven't figured out how to start a message to someone on here could you pm me please.

OP posts:
conversationsinthedark · 27/10/2022 15:09

Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 15:07

Would love to chat please. I haven't figured out how to start a message to someone on here could you pm me please.

Show quote history

I think you have to do it on the web version, not the app. I will send you one ❤️

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 27/10/2022 16:00

conversationsinthedark · 27/10/2022 15:09

I think you have to do it on the web version, not the app. I will send you one ❤️

Show quote history

Sent pm ☺️

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 27/10/2022 18:51

@Icantdothis9 sorry to hear about this horrible situation you are in. Did you know you can make an appointment with your local council to see a benefits advisor or contact citizens advice asap for help. Have you spoken to shelter for advice on housing?

Hope your ok and stay strong.

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 28/10/2022 14:35

It's hit me so hard. I'm trying to get things sorted to go. I looked through his phone all in jokes flirting and morning, nights texts. He's been searching images of her on Google at night time which he is adamant his phone accidentally did this.

The hardest part is him not admitting to it. So much has happened and it's on me to break up my family and start again I'm so scared. I'm an absolute wreck and I don't know if I can provide a future for my girls on my own I feel like throwing in the towel letting him win and off myself.

I've wasted 7 years of my life I'm so isolated from family and friends I have one friend but Ive leaned on her too much past week.

Why can't I just leave why am I frozen I can't think straight I still can't eat. I don't know what's real anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 28/10/2022 14:37

I will speak to the refuge again i can't do this on my own

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 28/10/2022 16:08

@Icantdothis9 please please don’t think of self harm. I hate typing things as it doesn’t always come across the way intended but I’m me if you want my number so you can speak on the phone.

I have some profound advice but don’t want to discuss it openly as I’m a private guy

Andypandy799 · 28/10/2022 16:09

@Icantdothis9 sorry pm me if you want to talk

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 28/10/2022 16:16

Andypandy799 · 28/10/2022 16:08

@Icantdothis9 please please don’t think of self harm. I hate typing things as it doesn’t always come across the way intended but I’m me if you want my number so you can speak on the phone.

I have some profound advice but don’t want to discuss it openly as I’m a private guy

Can pm on here if that's okay

OP posts:
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