Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found messages tonight..need someone to talk to.

161 replies

Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 00:44

Me and my partner haven't been sleeping in same bed mainly as I work at nights lately.
I heard pinging coming from his phone and I just had this feeling and thought nah that's crazy ..

Went upstairs to say goodnight and a message popped up on his phone and I just looked at it like I was going to see the time with the phone locked (I would never go through his phone ect) but it shown a WhatsApp message saying 'sorry I'll behave '

I asked him and he just said it was a lady from work. The women he works for..

I went downstairs and just felt something wrong so I went back up half hour later and asked to see the messages as I said it would eat me up otherwise he said okay baby at this point I thought I was being over the top.

He then looked surprised when I was like please show me and he tried to scroll past really quickly but she has deleted 8 messages before hand. With a message saying glad you can delete messages on here . An another sorry I'll behave.

He said I was breaking his trust even though I was right next to him he tried to snatch it out my hand and then I got it and had a better look not at much but she has said she enjoyed their chats more than she should.

He came downstairs and we talked he said he doesn't think anything of it as if this is normal.
He then went on to say she's a multimillionaire what would she see in a guy like him along with that's she proper sounds and attractive when I asked wish I didn't.

He said he would do nothing as we had kids and he loves me and it really isn't like that.

I have no money to leave no car. I just want to cry I have two kids with him not married I am fucked.

OP posts:
Gardener4 · 26/10/2022 06:24

Morning Lovely,
I have just left my marriage of seven years. My partner never involved himself with other women but this is all the start of the " narc cycle ". Gaslighting, blame shifting.....don't loose any more years to this. It escalates. It's easier on your children to seperate whilst they are young.
Go to the job centre and get on UC. You are entitled even if you live in the same home as a man you are separated from. Apply for housing. Start again. Build yourself back up. You are not alone xxxx

LoekMa · 26/10/2022 06:28

kinderbuenomilkshake · 26/10/2022 01:35

Realistically you're not going to leave over this and he's likely going to do this again at some point. Start preparing yourself for the next time. Putting cash aside for a flat deposit and essentials - even if it's just £20 a week. As soon as you're able to, get a job. Men don't change and understandably you've got kids and don't have cash so can't do anything hasty but you've seen what he is.
Men are bastards and I wish I'd started preparing the first time I caught my ex messaging women as inevitably, he did it again and again.

Sound advice.

All the LTB crew, yeah so OP decides to leave. Where is she staying? He would insist (and probably get his right) that thw kids stay with him rather than sleep out in the streets with OP

The cards you have been dealt suck. But now you know what you are dealing with, plan accordingly. And get a job.

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 07:06

Not slept he said he will message her and show me everything. I honestly don't think this will help. I feel like utter shit. Our relationship has not been good recently it's not just this.

My kids are about to wake up I just want to scream. The words of him saying she's so sound and she's a multi millionaire what would she see in a scruffy guy like him with him saying she's attractive I just I don't know hate myself.

This morning he declared his undying love for me and started kissing me and stuff..

Why is he doing this. I don't deserve this. I love my kids so much why is this on me.

All I can think is play along and save save. I don't see how I'm going to feel better. I looked up her profile and it's. A pic with her and her four kids and I can't help but think she's probably single.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 07:21

Gardener4 · 26/10/2022 06:24

Morning Lovely,
I have just left my marriage of seven years. My partner never involved himself with other women but this is all the start of the " narc cycle ". Gaslighting, blame shifting.....don't loose any more years to this. It escalates. It's easier on your children to seperate whilst they are young.
Go to the job centre and get on UC. You are entitled even if you live in the same home as a man you are separated from. Apply for housing. Start again. Build yourself back up. You are not alone xxxx

Thank you. How are you now do you have any regrets? How did the kids take it?

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 26/10/2022 07:32

ViolinPin · 26/10/2022 02:33

Can he change jobs, how long has he worked for her ?

That's irrelevant, he's a louse and the OP needs to bin him. Also the other woman is immensely unprofessional.

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 07:42

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 26/10/2022 07:32

That's irrelevant, he's a louse and the OP needs to bin him. Also the other woman is immensely unprofessional.

Show quote history

He sent me screenshots this morning the first one her saying sorry for last night's messages she got over excited

He replied saying it's gone beyond professional and he shouldn't of messages back last night more or less. I'm waiting to see what she has responded. Normally I read these threads about other people and now it's about me.

I will bide my time. With my kids right now like how could you do this you utter twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 07:49

He just sent me the last screenshot where she basically agrees and apologies. Sick my photo is his WhatsApp background with these messages over the top. Me smiling not a clue in the fucking world 😂

He's apologized saying it was a lapse of judgement but if I didn't basically force myself to see them he would of kept going wouldn't he?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/10/2022 07:50

I don't mean this unkindly but you need to stop obsessing over whatever he and that woman are doing. He's not a good man and you need to focus on getting your life together, becoming independent and in charge of your own life, and raising your kids well.

Wallowing in the minutiae of what he is up to is not going to accomplish anything. It's a dysfunctional relationship and poor environment for your kids. Focus on moving forward. Good luck to you.

Vapeyvapevape · 26/10/2022 07:58

Take no notice of the latest messages, they've probably had a conversation and agreed to send 'apologies' just for your benefit, I doubt they will stop.

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 08:00

Vapeyvapevape · 26/10/2022 07:58

Take no notice of the latest messages, they've probably had a conversation and agreed to send 'apologies' just for your benefit, I doubt they will stop.

This is what I fear to be honest. I will never know. Even if this is true the MSG's he only stopped because I saw them. He denied and denied til he really couldn't anymore as I had seen it.

OP posts:
Ratherperplexed · 26/10/2022 08:03

He needs to agree to total access of his phone at the very least.

Fake it until you can make it. Play the game: Start saving, planning and becoming independent from this low life partner.

He has no respect for you. You are worth far more.

Vapeyvapevape · 26/10/2022 08:03

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/10/2022 07:50

I don't mean this unkindly but you need to stop obsessing over whatever he and that woman are doing. He's not a good man and you need to focus on getting your life together, becoming independent and in charge of your own life, and raising your kids well.

Wallowing in the minutiae of what he is up to is not going to accomplish anything. It's a dysfunctional relationship and poor environment for your kids. Focus on moving forward. Good luck to you.

I agree that dwelling on the ins and outs isn't productive but I think when someone discovers their partner has cheated, it's a process, a bit like grief, and it takes time for the brain to settle and think clearly.

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 08:05

Vapeyvapevape · 26/10/2022 08:03

I agree that dwelling on the ins and outs isn't productive but I think when someone discovers their partner has cheated, it's a process, a bit like grief, and it takes time for the brain to settle and think clearly.

Show quote history

You are both right. He said his mum thinks we aren't good and at hers he's been on his phone not even noticing the girls and she thinks it's because of me but he basically just proved he been msging her as we barely msg. He's been spending 2/3 hours each day after work finsihes doing 'work'

OP posts:
BadNomad · 26/10/2022 08:13

Men are idiots. I'm sure it's an ego boost for him that this rich, attractive woman is giving him attention. It's far more exciting than the missus, kids and chaos at home. It was just a harmless bit of fun. Except it wasn't harmless, and he's panicking now and sucking up to you because he knows he crossed a line with his little escapism fantasy.

Arghh1234 · 26/10/2022 08:25

I don’t mean to throw a spanner in the works, but couldn’t this be seen as asexual harassment from an employer/employee perspective? She’s in a position of power, and yes he maybe enjoying it at the beginning, but possibly he’s finding it difficult to escape/confront her due to the power imbalance?

Arghh1234 · 26/10/2022 08:26

*sexual harassment (not asexual 🙄)

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 08:50

Wish I could share the screenshots of the messages I almost feel embarrassed for her if it wasn't my partner.

Yeah it's wrong for sure but she's a client not sure worth doing that when he's clearly encouraged it by staying in her company having 'chats'

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 26/10/2022 09:24

What an arse! Well let's hope she was worth wrecking his family for!

emptythelitterbox · 26/10/2022 09:45

What a creep. I swear men can be so thick.

How old are your DC?

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 09:58

emptythelitterbox · 26/10/2022 09:45

What a creep. I swear men can be so thick.

How old are your DC?

They are preschool age.

I feel like my heart is in my butt this morning.

I thought seeing those messages he sent her would help but it hasn't.

Had half hour sleep trying to function with my kids. Forgot I had a food shop coming I look like a mess.

Tell me it gets easier. I don't know if I could cope trying to save I feel I'm being selfish and still thinking about myself when I need to block it out and think about what's best for my kids

OP posts:
MarigoldMoonStone · 26/10/2022 10:10

What’s best for your kids is a happy mum, and dad so if you aren’t happy together don’t be. Of course you will want to try and make it work the best you can but don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out, it’s not your fault.

KloppsTeeth · 26/10/2022 10:13

Leaving a relationship is hard, but nowhere near as hard as staying when you’re having your mental health played with, and being treated with such disdain and disrespect.
The price you’ll pay for not leaving is too great. LTB.

Alcemeg · 26/10/2022 10:14

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Your "D"H seems to enjoy making you feel shit about yourself.

Not sure if I've joined up the dots wrong, but didn't you post on another thread about having potential success just around the next corner (your own business) but your H sabotages it at every opportunity?

Everything points to him being absolute poison to your soul. The only way you will thrive will be to get away from him as soon as you can. I hope you can find a way to do this.

He could be an actor in the rings of power it was so bad.
See, he still hasn't killed your spirit! The minute you get away from him, you won't look back.

I hope one day you're the multimillionaire with the £160K cars who really truly can't be arsed looking at a scruff like him. But whether you end up rich or not, you deserve better than these crumbs under the table.

Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 10:32

Alcemeg · 26/10/2022 10:14

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Your "D"H seems to enjoy making you feel shit about yourself.

Not sure if I've joined up the dots wrong, but didn't you post on another thread about having potential success just around the next corner (your own business) but your H sabotages it at every opportunity?

Everything points to him being absolute poison to your soul. The only way you will thrive will be to get away from him as soon as you can. I hope you can find a way to do this.

He could be an actor in the rings of power it was so bad.
See, he still hasn't killed your spirit! The minute you get away from him, you won't look back.

I hope one day you're the multimillionaire with the £160K cars who really truly can't be arsed looking at a scruff like him. But whether you end up rich or not, you deserve better than these crumbs under the table.

That was me. Yeah it's just one thing after another 😂

Thank you I'm trying to stay positive but it's a struggle.

I don't know if I can bide my time but I know it would be the best thing to do if I had savings and a plan.

I just feel it is going to get worse it's another line crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantdothis9 · 26/10/2022 10:35

Did anyone bide their time before leaving?

OP posts: