Found messages tonight..need someone to talk to.

[Icantdothis9]

Me and my partner haven't been sleeping in same bed mainly as I work at nights lately.
I heard pinging coming from his phone and I just had this feeling and thought nah that's crazy ..

Went upstairs to say goodnight and a message popped up on his phone and I just looked at it like I was going to see the time with the phone locked (I would never go through his phone ect) but it shown a WhatsApp message saying 'sorry I'll behave '

I asked him and he just said it was a lady from work. The women he works for..

I went downstairs and just felt something wrong so I went back up half hour later and asked to see the messages as I said it would eat me up otherwise he said okay baby at this point I thought I was being over the top.

He then looked surprised when I was like please show me and he tried to scroll past really quickly but she has deleted 8 messages before hand. With a message saying glad you can delete messages on here . An another sorry I'll behave.

He said I was breaking his trust even though I was right next to him he tried to snatch it out my hand and then I got it and had a better look not at much but she has said she enjoyed their chats more than she should.

He came downstairs and we talked he said he doesn't think anything of it as if this is normal.
He then went on to say she's a multimillionaire what would she see in a guy like him along with that's she proper sounds and attractive when I asked wish I didn't.

He said he would do nothing as we had kids and he loves me and it really isn't like that.

I have no money to leave no car. I just want to cry I have two kids with him not married I am fucked.

Having read other posts on this thread since I read it early hours of this morning, this is another thread by the same OP, I think, writing last week about how the partner started kicking off and sabotaging career opportunities etc - am I correct OP?

Yeah that's me I removed as felt it might be outting.

It's got worse since then. Sorry for removing it I know people put time and effort into replying and I do appreciate it.

oh please fuck off.

Stepford

Insert cash or select payment type. Choose pin pad to complete transaction. 😂

Sorry reminded me of a tiktok.

Yeah I guess that makes sense if he won't get it at home he will get it elsewhere and that's not something I have control over . That's his actions and his moral compass.

Haha it didn't mean to sound like an ad, sorry!

Unfortunately men usually don't spend time reflecting! You mentioned that your relationship hasn't been the greatest for the past 6 months. When do you feel most loved and wanted and how does it look for him? Perhaps talking about that can spark some healing and awareness on his side.

@soul99 You're talking about him as a nice person who fundamentally wants his wife to be happy. I'm afraid he clearly isn't (not sure if you saw the other thread too)...

No, I haven't seen any other threads. I definitely have a limited view on him.

It got worse when I had some more independence and opportunities.

A pattern of everytime I achieved something or had an interview he would fly off the handle just before. I've had to do filming where I'd been crying ten minutes before and then talk about how lovely my partner and home life is.
I'm tired of pretending. I've tried to get us to couple therapy but you can't take a horse to water and make it drink..

Saying he's not a bad person for getting closed to a married woman at work because he is lacking at home isn't okay.
It's not my fault. He lied for hours when I saw the messages and then admitted it then gone back to saying it's just a friend today and I'm over reacting.

What am I supposed to do when he acts like that? He's gaslight me and minimised it all.

Also I have something this week too surprise surprise. He will also say it's my period or just been my period or coming up to my period. So that's basically all the time then.

This is what I'm up against. Dismissed not validated. Not respected.

Is your therapy that style were you say the opposite so I feel stronger about what's right?

I got back from his parents house I'm glad the kids are away for few hours but I was pretty much ignored and felt like I didn't belong there. You guys were right I shouldn't of said anything. I just couldn't help it as I'm at breaking point and don't understand how I got here

Hmm if he is not willing to put in the work then I don't see it going well.

In psychology, you learn that someone's behavior doesn't reflect a person's essence. Was his behavior wrong and hurtful? Of course! But I wouldn't label him as an overall bad person. Once upon a time, you had reasons to believe he was a good man.

His actions have nothing to do with you; I wasn't trying to say it's your fault. It's easy to label someone as an asshole or a bad person, and it's really difficult to show someone empathy and understand why they behave the way they do. It doesn't mean that you have to tolerate his behavior, but it helps you not to feel these heavy emotions and so much resentment. You are basically poising yourself and he doesn't deserve it.

If you feel the best decision is to leave him, that's totally valid and understandable. Then it's time to prepare for an exit strategy. Maybe he could pay for your individual therapy so you can gather the confidence and recourses to be able to leave.

Anyway, I am sorry if I am not helpful. I hope you find your way out!

If I was you, I'd just try to focus on an exit plan.

If this was the only incident and things were okay before, it might be different, but he's not nice to you. He isn't supportive and he's hiding you back.

It sounds like he knows deep down he's not a good partner and is scared that you'll leave him. That's why he doesn't want you to be financially independent and secure.

While he's attempting to be sorry, take this opportunity to tell him that asides from this incident, you're not happy with a partner who does all the other things he does and those things affect how you feel about him and relate to him.

You need peace from him. You don't need his sabotaging behaviours and your priority is getting money behind yourself, so your aren't stuck with him. That won't happen overnight...

Why waste more of your precious life on this horrible relationship? As others have said, focus on your exit plan instead of parsing what he says, does and thinks. It's a fantasy to think he ever is going to improve. Put all of your energy toward gaining independence.

Having it on me breaking the family up is a heavy burden to carry.

@Icantdothis9, your children already live in a broken, abusive home.

+He locks you out at night to scare you.
+Wakes you up to break up, then takes it back.
+Sabotages your opportunities.
+Berates you at home, in the car, and in public.
+Builds an EA with a married client; lies and downplays when caught; acts contemptuous the next day and expects you to be over it.

This man is a horror, and his mistreatment of you is also causing damage to your children. Your young daughter is so stressed by his cruelty that she is trying to protect you. Now that is a terrible burden. When a toxic home is normalized, children will be at risk of having dysfunctional future relationships by becoming abusers or victims.

Couples counseling is not advised when one of the couple is an abuser. Can you access individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and resolve and to work on an exit plan?

I've just been speaking to Refuge for past hour and making plan to leave. They told me it is abuse and it's sunk in and I talked through the process step by step and will save on a short period and go soon.

The points you made are so clear now. I feel a loving partner if he started an ea for example wouldn't be mad I'm not over it the next day. I am kidding myself it isn't effecting my kids I'm scared to go in a refuge as I don't know how that will effect them or if the relationship with their dad and me will never then be ammeciable.
But I don't have any more options I've tried to make it work and it didn't.

He's back home now acting like I don't exist won't look/lay his eyes at me it's so fucking weird the more I pull it apart I can see it's all about control.

the more I pull it apart I can see it's all about control

This is so, so true. (The affair is the least of the issues, to my mind.) He is so abusive and it pervades massive areas of your relationship - there's not just one issue.

Well done for speaking to Refuge. What's your next step?

To start logging every event down and to save some money but get back in contact with them if it gets worse.

I read your other post about him sabotaging your success. He won’t change. If he puts in the effort he will still have a good relationship with his kids. That’s on him. The best thing you can do for your kids is not to stay in an abusive relationship as that is the most damaging thing for your children. Take all the advice and support you can from womens aid etc and get out. Saving up to leave it just won’t ever be the right time and things will get worse or physically abusive

Well done on contacting WA. It sounds like they were able to clarify things for you.
As difficult as it is, you're doing the right thing.

Yeah it's so bad. He is being really protective over his phone now always in his pocket and he came to bed last night as he saying he wants it to work and wanted me to change sides because of the phone charger and I was like comfy and half asleep and then he went angry and asked if there was a phone charger to go on other side of bed but the charging point that side is way further away than one by me..so it didn't really make much sense and he's never been bothered before. I pointed this out and he was like oh I don't want to have to climb over you to turn off my alarm it was all weird and he was doing his bad Rings of power acting again. 🙄

I'm going to have to do this before Christmas just such a toxic environment. I went to his parents yesterday and it was such a strange vibe was ignored for most of it and when I said bye they said yep.

It sounds like he doesn't want you anywhere near his phone. His affair is not over. You're now in the situation where you know he's cheating still and he's angry with you for trying to take his source of ego kibbles and good feels from him. This bit is hell to live through, you'll be second guessing everything and hypervigilance will develop which will lead to anxiety. Google 180 amd surviving infidelity. You need to disconnect from him to gain some clarity and distance.

You know he's abusive, you know he's still involved with the AP. Continue to focus on how to extricate yourself from him.

He is not safe at all for you.