Found messages tonight..need someone to talk to.

[Icantdothis9]

Me and my partner haven't been sleeping in same bed mainly as I work at nights lately.
I heard pinging coming from his phone and I just had this feeling and thought nah that's crazy ..

Went upstairs to say goodnight and a message popped up on his phone and I just looked at it like I was going to see the time with the phone locked (I would never go through his phone ect) but it shown a WhatsApp message saying 'sorry I'll behave '

I asked him and he just said it was a lady from work. The women he works for..

I went downstairs and just felt something wrong so I went back up half hour later and asked to see the messages as I said it would eat me up otherwise he said okay baby at this point I thought I was being over the top.

He then looked surprised when I was like please show me and he tried to scroll past really quickly but she has deleted 8 messages before hand. With a message saying glad you can delete messages on here . An another sorry I'll behave.

He said I was breaking his trust even though I was right next to him he tried to snatch it out my hand and then I got it and had a better look not at much but she has said she enjoyed their chats more than she should.

He came downstairs and we talked he said he doesn't think anything of it as if this is normal.
He then went on to say she's a multimillionaire what would she see in a guy like him along with that's she proper sounds and attractive when I asked wish I didn't.

He said he would do nothing as we had kids and he loves me and it really isn't like that.

I have no money to leave no car. I just want to cry I have two kids with him not married I am fucked.

Well the answer to that is that lots of us do.

The only thing it's hard to measure is the damage he is doing to you from one moment to the next, from day to day, week to week, God forbid year to year.

So your question is a bit like "How long should I sit chatting to a psychopath?"

Yes, I believe plenty bide their time enough to get some income in and have a safe place to go to or be able to afford where they are currently living. They pretty much check out of the marriage and focus on the children and their career until they can leave.

You sound bright and resourceful having your own business and caring for 2 small children.
You know you deserve better than this.

You mentioned working part time but it all goes towards the kids. Does he pay for any child care?
Maybe sit down and come up with how much you would need to leave, including your income, what assets you have, child maint, any benefits, etc. to give yourself a starting point

Yes I did, and it made no difference to how it went. I wish I'd left years before I did. When you bide your time, there's always something that will stop you..."il do it when I've got XYZ amount of money" "il do it after that holiday/Christmas/birthday". There's always something. When I left, I had no savings and even left my job to relocate. It can be done, you have to put yourself first and trust that you are more than capable of rebuilding yourself and being happy. X

I know ppl will come down on me like a ton of bricks but could you try couples therapy? It might be worth trying to save your family and work things through, he might be more able to see your perspective with a therapist help 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure you’ve read the statistics on children raised in single parent households 😬 But equally being in a miserable household is harmful for kids too 😣 Sorting your issues out seems to be to be the best option to me…

I've suggested this before but he's not interested. I'm also not sure it will help.

I want it to work I do deep down, but I feel it's past that now. Too much has happened I can't remember a time we went out and it didn't end in some full blown disagreement. I've been to town with him and he's just stormed off. He has no patience whatsoever.
Any day out has been ruined. Any drive to a family or friends , car ride arguments.
Any interviews or opportunities he has had a full shouting match before hand and most the time I just couldn't even give you an answer why.

The other night he locked me out of the house to cause me panic. He woke me up one morning telling me I'm dumped then half hour later saying he loves me.

I've never seen posts on here where people seem happy they stayed after cheating. Please show me some if you know of any. This form is honestly so much help to me right now.

That sounds like a tough environment to be living in 🙁

I still feel even now I will stay at the cost of my self esteem. Having it on me breaking the family up is a heavy burden to carry.

Because they are so young I've brushed it off. The other day my youngest told daddy to stop making mummy cry. I'm crying typing they adore him and I don't know what will happen if I go. Do I move back to the city I have few friends in or stay close in a small village area where my kids have more of what they know and my partners family.

But you haven't broken up the family. HE has, with his actions. None of this is your fault. You didn't wake up one day and say, "I know, I'm going to get myself a spot of PND just to really fuck my DP off". You didn't force him to flirt with other people. You didn't ask him to sabotage your work, and every day out that you've had. Hell, if you had that sort of control/power over other people, you'd be able to magic him into NOT doing that stuff so that you both have a happy life together, wouldn't you? (plus, if you had those sort of magic powers over other people, I'd want to know about it, as it would probably solve a lot of the world's wrongs!).

Look, my XH said similar shit about me. Apparently I wasn't supportive enough, didn't care enough. Oh, and I'd "made him behave the way he did". I believe this bullshit is known as The Script. I told him that if I had such power over him, I would have magicked it so he wouldn't be an abusive addict, and turn him into someone who was a decent person.

Dont your kids also deserve a Mummy who Daddy hasn’t turned into a nervous insecure wreck who walks on eggshells every day?

dont they deserve a life where they have a daddy that won’t start including them in his little digs at mummy as they get older.

he’s not going to change. His behaviour is training you. You know you can’t go out. Have interviews. Try to better yourself as he will
tear you down.

been happy for a day or two. He’ll dump you then love bomb you. That’ll keep you on your toes

this man will destroy you if you stay. And it won’t be just for the kids. You’ll stay the first 18-20 years until they leave. And youll be so down trodden that you don’t. You stay. As the abuse is normal to you. It’s all you know. Another 60+ years of this.

please speak to professionals. This is mental abuse especially after remembering previous posts of yours.

his behaviour is unhealthy. It will start to shape your children and either traumatise them or teach them this is how they can behave as adults. You are showing them this is how adult relationships are.

About to leave and take kids to his mum I told her I know I shouldn't but it just came out and she's trying to reassure me he would never do anything to jeopardize things.

Im so tired can't think straight

Im so tired can't think straight

That's right and this is how he want's you, confused and dazed. You need to rest if you can, is you MIL going to take the children off your hands. Personally I wouldn't confide in this woman, she's already critisized your relationship and is now defending him in his poor treatment of you.

She sounds narcisistic herself, a narc creator.

I do think the pp was correct in saying this man has narcissistic traits. It fits, he wanted you to be a SAHM and then you found some sucess with your independant buisness, to the point you did some TV work.
He's jealous and in fear of losing total control over you, he is trying to sabotage your carreer and it's working, his EA with this woman sounds like a threat.

Step out of line and you will get more of the same, this ow I believe is irrelavant in his eyes, he is using her to control you. I would make a guess that she really has fallen for him, yet he will dump her when the job ends, making you accept he can keep her as a friend, these types of men keep harems of women on the go to feed their ego.

What you don't understand is that you are his primary source of fuel for attention, he wont want to lose you. He has moulded you and sought you out for this reason. He wants it all and this is the beggining of him having complete authority of getting his own way. If you accept this he will continue to behave this way without considering you, you are being trained to allow him his freedom.
There is a lot for you to learn and understand at the moment, but you must be in turmoil, could make an appointment with the gp, you health is paramount at this time, but just hang onto the fact you will become stronger and see things more clearly as time goes on.

Keep posting for advice.

Well he has done things to jepordise things hasn't he.
I'd be very careful what you say to his mum, blood is thicker than water.

Is this ow older than you op and your partner ?

Be careful OP - she's not 'reassuring you' that he'd never do anything to jeopardize things because she couldn't possibly know that, what she's doing is joining in with the lying and gas lighting to make you think you must have got it wrong, that it was just a misunderstanding on your part and to minimise what has happened.

Think similar age to my partner

Are you younger than your partner ?

By a few years but not a big age gap or anything

I don't know if I should look through his phone tonight I don't know if I should dig further. Did this help anyone?

It’s not you breaking things up tho! It’s his actions, and not just the texting - he doesn’t sound nice in general!
Showing your girls not to put up with this shit from men is the best thing you can do.
My daughter seeing me crying and arguing with her dad was my main reason for getting him to move out.

Tell his mother he HAS done something to jeopardise your relationship, he's cheated, lied, minimised, been messaging another woman for hours. sent and received nude photos, so stop telling you he would never, because he HAS and would she like to see his dick pics he's sent?

His Mum will want to believe the best of her child, not the worst. She will take his side not yours.

Honestly, he sounds abusive, and coercively controlling. I think you should contact Womens Aid, leave now, go into a shelter and look for social housing whilst your kids are little. Focus on growing your business.

Lose the loser and never look book. He isn't the man you thought he was.

Will women's aid really help I feel like it's not bad enough. I know it's abusive but I'm not in immediate danger.

Will that effect him seeing the kids?

I don't know if I should look through his phone tonight I don't know if I should dig further. Did this help anyone

It wont help if he refuses to stop working for her, if he will not take your feelings into consideration, how is knowing the details going to help.

He has told you the score and it appears he is not willing to change his behaviour, he has today got up and will be seeing her wont he ? He's told you she's on holiday, that's probably a load of crap.

The best thing you can do is accept you are living with a vile human being and act accordingly. Grey rock him and do as little as possible for him , don't engage in a pick me dance and make him take the kids to his mothers himself if he wishes for them to see her.
Distance yourself from his mother, you owe her nothing.

He will become angry if you asert yourself, if he starts to intimidate you, threatens you or becomes violent, ring the police.

He is not a law unto himself.

OP you need to sleep and get your head together with some kind of measure. Then it's time to make some decisions.

My opinion? Leave him. He's a lier and you will never trust him again.. and that will be blamed on you too. All this aside this sounds like a toxic relationship anyway. Do your lself a favour and get rid.

Look, my XH said similar shit about me. Apparently I wasn't supportive enough, didn't care enough. Oh, and I'd "made him behave the way he did". I believe this bullshit is known as The Script

Oh yeah

You always <insert complaint>
You never < insert complaint>
Why won't you <insert thing he wants you to do you either don't want to do or have no idea he wants to do>
Why do you <insert complaint>
Why don't you < see why won't you>

You can't win because you don't know what the rules are and you're not even aware you're in a competition where you've been set up to lose.

Pretty much

Well he's gone back to well you said and did this.
Back to minimising. Now she's just someone who's he is just friendly with at work. He's annouyed that I'm not over it already.