Found messages tonight..need someone to talk to.

[Icantdothis9]

Me and my partner haven't been sleeping in same bed mainly as I work at nights lately.
I heard pinging coming from his phone and I just had this feeling and thought nah that's crazy ..

Went upstairs to say goodnight and a message popped up on his phone and I just looked at it like I was going to see the time with the phone locked (I would never go through his phone ect) but it shown a WhatsApp message saying 'sorry I'll behave '

I asked him and he just said it was a lady from work. The women he works for..

I went downstairs and just felt something wrong so I went back up half hour later and asked to see the messages as I said it would eat me up otherwise he said okay baby at this point I thought I was being over the top.

He then looked surprised when I was like please show me and he tried to scroll past really quickly but she has deleted 8 messages before hand. With a message saying glad you can delete messages on here . An another sorry I'll behave.

He said I was breaking his trust even though I was right next to him he tried to snatch it out my hand and then I got it and had a better look not at much but she has said she enjoyed their chats more than she should.

He came downstairs and we talked he said he doesn't think anything of it as if this is normal.
He then went on to say she's a multimillionaire what would she see in a guy like him along with that's she proper sounds and attractive when I asked wish I didn't.

He said he would do nothing as we had kids and he loves me and it really isn't like that.

I have no money to leave no car. I just want to cry I have two kids with him not married I am fucked.

Have you got parents ?

Be careful, in laws don't always respond the way you think they will.

Some draw ranks and protect their sons.

So, he's saying he wants to remain with you ?

I have my mum but she's fully disabled and in a care home so can't go there with the kids for few nights. I know his mum will believe whatever he says and think I've pushed him to this.

The reason is mainly as I think if I say I can't then go back. We been together 7 years. I have got stronger mainly through situational conditioning then love.

I'm trying so hard to not give into wanting to stay and pretend it's not as bad as it is but I know my kids will suffer living in this environment it's toxic now.

Yeah he doesn't want to break up as much as he says he does he wants us to try and make it work. Which means I will have to let this go of course.

He was moaning going you're going to be paranoid every time I go to work.

Like yeah no shit you been having 'banter' and secret messages with another women you work for who you admire so much. She's married with four kids by the way

So he wasn't too good before this EA ?

Are you still young

She's married with four kids by the way

Does she still live with her husband ?

Late 20s he's bit older. I just hate myself for not getting married. He proposed and I have kids straight after then covid and work came along so never been a good time for it.

He said he will move out to his mums and I'll stay here if we break up but I feel I will be trapped and it will feel like we are still together.

He said she's married but her socials are all private he could be lying on that as it's the last question I asked and after him saying she's sound, attractive and mega rich who wouldn't give him the time of day I wouldn't be surprised if that's a lie.

She's on holiday right now so she sent like 8 messages and deleted them. Alot were about work. He sent kisses back which he doesn't even do with me.

It's crazy how he's basically probably found someone in similar situation to me but she's rich haha 😂

It doesn't help that I feel I've let myself go he says I'm chubby as I used to be an 8 now I'm size 12 maybe an m&s 10 at best 😂

Trying so hard not to hate myself but it's creeping in.

This is going to hit me tomorrow I'm going to try sleep the kids will be up in a few hours.

He's lying, in fact everthing he says from now on will be.

They all say she's on holiday at the moment, it's to protect her from your rage at the moment, so you don't confront her and go round.

She may not be married, probably divorced and chatting up men., are they working in a solo envoiroment?

Get him to look after the children, he can take a day off, especially as she is his boss and THEY have caused your devastation.

Try to rest for now, others will help you on here when needed.

Keep posting.
Sendings hugs

He's sees her everyday I don't even know where it is. *[Post edited to remove occupation]

Can't make this shit up. So they chat as he works by sounds of it. I asked if anyone else knows and he said he told a work mate they have banter.

Just him calling it banter and when I ask what is that he said just talking about kids ect. I'm like how can she be at the point deleting MSG's in two weeks. He said she probably drunk.

Sad thing is he won't take day off because his work is so important you see..

He still thinks I'm over reacting but the way he snatched the phone out my hand was like the reaction if someone was mugging you. He did not want me to see the messages.

He kept saying it's a break of trust. Took a few hours of talking to admit it was something as he kept saying he didn't realize it.

In his messages he didn't flirt as much as her he added kisses when she did and moaned about walking the dog saying who else is going to do it. So I can't help but feel he moans about me to her.

So he's only started working for her in the last two weeks?

Oh no he's been working there for months maybe half a year or so.
He has a lot of jobs that they blur into one sometimes. I've never felt this is something I'd have to worry about.

I have Pm you

So after hours of lying and minimizing, he:
*Admitted to flirty banter
*Blamed you for his rotten choices
*Squeaked out a flat, forced apology
*Indicated he’d end things if you don’t drop it and get back in your lane

@Icantdothis9, he and OW have clearly been building a close connection daily at work. Outside work they were secretly messaging, sending kisses, and deleting, and at least twice she said, ‘Sorry, I’ll behave.’ This is not just banter. It’s emotional infidelity and disloyalty. He knew it was wrong, and that’s why he tried to snatch the phone from you.

Please understand that his unethical choices are all about his selfishness and weak boundaries — and are not due to you. If he had issues with the relationship, he had a range of ethical options to use to deal with that. Instead he chose the faithless route. It’s all on him.

Wild horses couldn’t force me to stick with this Player, but if you do enter a reconciliation, he must show powerful remorse by accepting total responsibility; going NC with OW; providing transparency and full access to all devices and passwords; answering your questions whenever you ask; and seeking counseling to examine his weak character traits that enabled his betrayal.

Please keep posting for support, @Icantdothis9.

If I can help you in any way please let me know.
If I can help,I will

We can't be perfect,God loves us .
If yoU love the person you're with, working on our failures and making efforts to improve those situation.
I love my husband and I am willing to work on my number of issues in hopes that we can get the best life possible for us and our family 💟😘

😂

I just wanted to say I really feel for you , it's a horrible shock , I have been there years ago
You will get through this , take your time, small steps , call your friend in the morning
Try not to panic , hard I know , you have done nothing wrong , you know this
They are both sleazy
Personally I couldn't get over it , I would forever be paranoid . Especially as he's not even given a shit really.
The guy who did this to me left to go with the other woman , then he did it to her
And now he's got noone and he's still a sleaze. By the way I agree the in-laws will side with h be careful
I am much happier single . Got my kids and dog, like you . Keep talking on here X more clever people will be awake soon to help . Sending you a hug

Not a popular opinion here on MN, but if it really was just flirty messages and everything else in the relationship was good, I probably wouldn’t LTB over this. I’m also totally not surprised that he lied about it at first…..that’s standard. He’s been telling himself it’s “just banter” to enable him to do it without feeling like a lying toad.
So it always takes some time for them to fess up. A man on here posted on another thread that men “do not think” and got flamed for it. But, in my experience, that is so true. They don’t…it’s an ego boost and honestly, you cannot underestimate the power of the male ego.
Having said all that, everything else is not good…there seems to be a real imbalance in your relationship and he is calling the shots. You cannot get through this if he is forcing you to “plaster a smile on” and the hypocrisy of him saying you were “breaking his trust” by going through his phone really pisses me off as does the chubby comments, the weird dumping previously and the fact that she’s apparently all that (she’s not, it’s just his pathetic ego talking!)
He is behaving like a thunder cunt and you really do need to chuck him out. He won’t expect that (at the minute, he feels like the big man, the sad Wanker) but he needs a really strong dose of reality. Be brave and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and you want him to leave.
He will be back (the grass for him will not be greener) but, whether or not you decide to take him back will be up to you. Take some time away from him to figure out what YOU want in your life (because your current situation re:finances and support network etc is unsustainable) and how you are going to take back control of YOUR life. This sad little man is not the be all and end all…..you are!!!
Oh and for what it’s worth, assuming she knows about you, she’s a thunder cunt too. And totally unprofessional, to do this shit with someone that works for her.
Good luck op, I know it doesn’t feel like it now but, in time, you might come to see this as a blessing in disguise……

Where have you stumbled in from?