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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex with teenagers in the house

172 replies

Thisisit11 · 25/10/2022 22:26

Interested to know if/how you do it. We have DS (13) and DD (11) and privacy has gone with the 7pm bedtimes. DD in particular seems tuned into the fact we might get up to something when we're alone and always appears at our bedroom at door at the wrong moment (not quite been caught at it but ..). Then, DH starts losing his temper because she's getting out of bed despite being told to go to sleep etc. Not romantic (and also not cool - he and I will then argue about him being so shirty with her NB is it normal for her to be so anti us being alone together?!?! Should I be worried?). Anyway, do any of you actually manage it?! If so, how!

OP posts:
Anytipsplease · 30/10/2022 19:46

This thread bought back horrible memories for me. I walked in on my mum and step dad doing it in the living room on the floor, when I was little. They shouted at me so bad but I’d only got out of bed because I didn’t feel well, and I was so young I didn’t even know what I was seeing until I realised when I was a bit older, but it literally traumatised me. I used to hear her making noises in their bedroom while they thought I was asleep in my room. I feel physically sick thinking about it. I know that all parents have sex but to see or hear it as a child is an image you will never get out of your head. I don’t have children but if I did, I would have a lock on the door, bedroom would be a personal space where my kids had to knock, I would have to make sure the bed didn’t squeek at all. Other than that I genuinely don’t know. Turn the TV on too. My parents could have toned it down a bit but chose not to because they were both selfish. I’m guessing most parents aren’t like that and do consider others in the house.

Bravosir · 30/10/2022 19:49

I found it a bit confusing when I was younger as I also witnessed lots of arguments and periods of silence where my dad wouldn’t even speak to my mum for a week or so. Obviously I now know he was abusive mentally but I also couldn’t understand why they were having sex when they couldn’t stand each other most of the time. Perhaps that was abuse too. Who knows.

Bravosir · 30/10/2022 19:51

@Anytipsplease

i agree that is fucking grim and why anyone would do what they did with a child in the house I don’t know. I’m sure lots do though.

interstatelovesong · 30/10/2022 21:10

OneFrenchEgg · 26/10/2022 13:24

Thinking about it it's actually a source of stress for me. Menopause etc and low mood means I don't want to have sex much whereas dh does. Knowing that he's pissed off (snarky 'jokes') and that the kids can hear so I need to be aware of timing just makes me feel really pressured. Like an expectation to have sex quietly and quickly to please him and avoid upsetting the teens.

I feel like this

I'm not quite at menopause yet but I think peri is round the corner. I am extremely stressed and knackered with just, life, work. everything. I never feel actively horny unless we are away without the kids which is rare as you can imagine. We do it weekend mornings but I've worked every Saturday for last god knows how long. and my H gets moody if we've not shagged for a week or two his mood and attitude towards me gradually gets shitty. And Tbh sex is just another thing to tick off my to do list

Sad really as I loved sex when I was younger !

TeefAsseblief · 30/10/2022 21:11

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/10/2022 09:31

Those that claim be “traumatised” from overhearing their parents have sex do not know what trauma is

I know fine well what being traumatised means.

As for parents having sex - yeah, I'm traumatised by that too, because I was purposely exposed to it.

The noises, the insinuations, and the visuals, because at family events, we'd all be in a family hotel room. I've been in a bed next to them, sleeping in a cot bed or the floor next to their bed and had no choice but to be a spectator for their sex life.

Faultymain5 · 31/10/2022 10:22

TeefAsseblief · 30/10/2022 21:11

I know fine well what being traumatised means.

As for parents having sex - yeah, I'm traumatised by that too, because I was purposely exposed to it.

The noises, the insinuations, and the visuals, because at family events, we'd all be in a family hotel room. I've been in a bed next to them, sleeping in a cot bed or the floor next to their bed and had no choice but to be a spectator for their sex life.

Presumably you know the difference between accidental and on purpose.

In this instance we’re talking about the odd noise not shouting from the rooftops wanting everyone to know you’re having a god time. the latter being abuse.

maybe we can’t start looking at the subject more rationally.

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 11:22

Whilst I totally get the negative feelings a child can get when they hear their parents having sex, I think some of you are totally overplaying this.

Kids feel that when parents argue. When there's tension, passive aggression, anxiety between parents. All of these are NORMAL feelings to normal events. Kids don't always like being exposed to grown up stuff, but that really is part of life and transitioning into older children, teenagers and young adults.

Like PP said, there's a massive difference between occasionally hearing the bed knock than being regularly subjected to loud and unapologetic sex noises.

It's NORMAL for kids to feel a wide range of emotions about their parents for a wide range of reasons. From anger, to guilt and sadness. That's all part and parcel of the parent/child relationship and it often carries through well into adulthood. It's complex and it's the reason why so many people end up in therapy.

Obviously we all should do our best to keep our children safe and happy, but knowing your parents are having a sex life isn't particularly shocking or damaging. It's all about the context.

If the worst thing I do as a parent, is allow my child to hear my bed knock a few times in their childhood, I think I'd consider that a win to be honest (although luckily for us our bedroom is on a different floor to our kids and we have a solid bed that doesn't knock against the wall)

TeefAsseblief · 31/10/2022 12:05

Faultymain5 · 31/10/2022 10:22

Presumably you know the difference between accidental and on purpose.

In this instance we’re talking about the odd noise not shouting from the rooftops wanting everyone to know you’re having a god time. the latter being abuse.

maybe we can’t start looking at the subject more rationally.

I am looking at it rationally, when we have comments like this on the thread:

The older two, we just accept they may hear

So let's not say it is always accidental, when it clearly isn't. Other comments like tough love, wouldn't be entertaining it, others 'trying' to be quiet.

Who gets to decide what others feel is a traumatising thing to see or hear? Implying they don't know what trauma is, or think it's stupid because someone feels like it.

Someone's even mentioned their young child highlighting it to them. Should that child suck it up because mummy and daddy want to fuck in their own home, when they want?

It is more common than people think, the feelings someone has from being exposed to their parents sex lives, no matter the way.

Just because someone cannot understand it, doesn't make those feelings any less valid.

Faultymain5 · 31/10/2022 12:35

‘May hear’ is not the same as intentional no matter how many times you say it’s otherwise. It also does not mean their trying not to be discreet, but they’re aware they may not always be successful. That is not exhibitionism and if ‘trauma’ is inflicted, sorry but that’s unfortunate, that is not deliberate.

And as entitled to their feelings as those who felt it was traumatic regardless of circumstances. That word doesn’t sit right with me. And I’m entitled to that feeling too.

Anytipsplease · 31/10/2022 14:21

Like I said my parents were just selfish. Not all parents are, I understand that. It’s a difficult subject and I would just personally try to keep the noise down as much as possible, but as I said above, to hear your mum moaning out loud, IS traumatic. At least for me. Not all parents are like that I do understand that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2022 20:38

Faultymain5 · 31/10/2022 12:35

‘May hear’ is not the same as intentional no matter how many times you say it’s otherwise. It also does not mean their trying not to be discreet, but they’re aware they may not always be successful. That is not exhibitionism and if ‘trauma’ is inflicted, sorry but that’s unfortunate, that is not deliberate.

And as entitled to their feelings as those who felt it was traumatic regardless of circumstances. That word doesn’t sit right with me. And I’m entitled to that feeling too.

Totally agree

Doingthework · 01/11/2022 01:41

@Anytipsplease

Did you ever tell them you could hear? As I’d be interested to know if it did any good .
One of the things that hit me in later life was that I didn’t say and never told anyone. That has left me feeling that I contributed to my own problems and the hardest bit that maybe I didn’t want it to stop as it was highly arousing which is the grim bit and changed how I saw them. They apear to have had the very same attitude that some pps here have that they were being quieter than they were. Without going into detail there whole pre sex routine was blatantly obvious before any noise even began.

It’s also interesting that maybe as pps and op have mentioned that men are less bothered. My experience is that women are more involuntary louder at Orgasm and it was my mum I heard the most. For years she was the one I was most disappointed in but hey that’s the patriarchy As in OPs post it takes two to tango and she may well have been put under pressure to have sex by my dad for the sake of their relationship. Doesn’t change the fact that in early sexual experiences you have massive hang ups that you cant make a women come as hard as dear old dad which is messed up and made me hate myself.

I just feel strongly that for anyone this situation is live for. If your comfortable that you can have what ever sex you want in earshot of kids that know what it is that you should be comfortable enough to talk to them and ask them in a sex positive way about if they can hear and how they feel about it In the same way we should be talking about sex for pleasure and porn use if they have a phone. Could there be a possibility that though those conversation everyone has life long better shame free sex.

RLScott · 01/11/2022 03:23

Anytipsplease · 31/10/2022 14:21

Like I said my parents were just selfish. Not all parents are, I understand that. It’s a difficult subject and I would just personally try to keep the noise down as much as possible, but as I said above, to hear your mum moaning out loud, IS traumatic. At least for me. Not all parents are like that I do understand that.

I have a friend from Denmark and she too was traumatised. Her case was more extreme though. Her mum and her latest fella were at it in the room next to my friends. And this during the daytime. My friend would hit the wall so clearly her mum was aware of the noise. I’ve been speaking to her while it was happening. She also told me she noticed bruising on her mums inner thigh. I didn’t really know what to say to her on this other than leave the flat when it happens. They are more liberal when it comes to sex in Denmark so probably brush off things more but her mum’s complete lack of discretion has definitely had an impact on my friend.

OneFrenchEgg · 01/11/2022 07:23

@interstatelovesong yes me too. Now as you say it's another duty. Very rare for me to feel we have space and privacy. Motherhood has really taken over my body and my mind - the kids inhabit it a lot through their needs and sadnesses etc.

RedAppleGirl · 01/11/2022 08:15

We have quickies downstairs when they're upstairs, in our bedroom, or occasionally in the bath. We're generally relatively touchy-feely when they're around although they do see us bicker and snipe too. Which is all standard couple behavior.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/11/2022 11:03

OneFrenchEgg · 01/11/2022 07:23

@interstatelovesong yes me too. Now as you say it's another duty. Very rare for me to feel we have space and privacy. Motherhood has really taken over my body and my mind - the kids inhabit it a lot through their needs and sadnesses etc.

@OneFrenchEgg

that’s so sad!

make space for you too!

presumably you enjoyed sex before you became a mother.

you matter every bit as much as your kids

Vettrianofan · 16/07/2023 21:16

We just shut the door and do the deed, even if they are next door on their consoles. Usually they have headsets on.

We all have needs and are not committing a crime. If sex is done discreetly and quietly as possible, no harm done🤷🏻

Usually though it's much more enjoyable when they are all at school during the day. Can really let go and be vocal 😆

liamoom · 02/08/2023 07:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Afterfire · 02/08/2023 11:00

interstatelovesong · 30/10/2022 21:10

I feel like this

I'm not quite at menopause yet but I think peri is round the corner. I am extremely stressed and knackered with just, life, work. everything. I never feel actively horny unless we are away without the kids which is rare as you can imagine. We do it weekend mornings but I've worked every Saturday for last god knows how long. and my H gets moody if we've not shagged for a week or two his mood and attitude towards me gradually gets shitty. And Tbh sex is just another thing to tick off my to do list

Sad really as I loved sex when I was younger !

Same.

Can’t even remotely get in the mood when the kids are around (one aged 11, one aged 20). Simply wouldn’t even fancy it at all. Completely off putting.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/08/2023 15:13

tenbob · 26/10/2022 15:12

Reading through all the posts on this thread from people saying they are scarred by hearing their parents having sex, do you still think it's ok for them to hear it AND for them to have to 'maintain decorum' about what they've heard?

I can't actually see any posts from people saying 'yeah, I heard them/knew what they were up to when the door got locked, but it wasn't an issue'

Every single person is saying it affected them as a child and/or causes them issues as an adult.

I heard my parents having sex a number of times as a kid and teenager. Can't say it bothered me. It was just bed creaking, the occasional quiet moan. It's hardly disturbing.

I will note however that I'm aphantasia, so can't make pictures in my mind. Maybe it adds to the horror if your brain starts filling in the blanks.

On the other hand, the time I went nosing through my parents wardrobe looking for Christmas presents and found a box of Polaroids of my mother in a variety of compromising positions scarred me for life. Especially as I was then subjected to them again when clearing out her house after she died

topgan · 25/08/2023 14:29

@Topgub @DivorcedAndDelighted @FixTheBone

I completely agree with the viewpoints expressed earlier by other users. As a child, I share a similar perspective on the matter:

The distinction between surprising one's parents as a child, which can be traumatic and harmful, and having intimate relations as adult and aware children, is crucial.

I'm nearly 19 years old and find myself in a situation where my mother and stepfather make no secret of their intimacy.

My mother has emphasized the importance of privacy, particularly considering my stepfather's night shifts and the fact that they usually retreat to their room almost every day after lunch.

Therefore, I always aim to give them space and privacy, leaving the house (when possible) or withdrawing to my room with headphones when I realize they want to spend time privately.

I firmly believe that no adult and well-educated child would ever dare to enter their parents' room without knocking, unless it's an extreme necessity.
I find that if you feel the need to take precautions – like using a door lock – to preserve your privacy, it might indicate a lack of respect from your children and confusion between the boundaries of proper upbringing and the unfounded fear of causing trauma, which in my opinion doesn't apply to an adult child.

In the past, I had a similar experience about three years ago, shortly after my parents' wedding. I opened the door without knocking and felt deeply uncomfortable.

I received an appropriate punishment and a reprimand, which taught me a lesson and made me realize how inappropriate it was to invade their privacy.
In conclusion, as my mother says, when a child doesn't want to listen, they are capable of moving away, putting on headphones, or taking other measures. In case their curiosity drives them to cross the boundaries and violate your privacy, it's an aspect that reflects on their choice, not on your conduct.

Personally, I avoid knocking on their door and always prefer to wait for them to come out of their room spontaneously.

If I have to think of a traumatic moment from my childhood, it goes back to the times when I heard my parents argue, even over trivial matters.

Today, I'm happy to see my mother at peace and to breathe love within our home. This has brought an unexpected effect: after years of being an only child, my sister was born.

Recently, they confided in me their desire to give her a younger brother, despite my biological father never wanting more children.

It's clear that I understand how sexual relations are a fundamental component in conception.

RandomForest · 25/08/2023 14:47

*Obviously
we all should do our best to keep our children safe and happy, but
knowing your parents are having a sex life isn't particularly shocking
or damaging. It's all about the context.

If the worst thing I do as a parent, is allow my child to hear my bed
knock a few times in their childhood, I think I'd consider that a win to
be honest (although luckily for us our bedroom is on a different floor
to our kids and we have a solid bed that doesn't knock against the wall)*

Agree, it's part and parcel of growing up, for them and you, so long as your not purposely bringing the house down, they will understand it's natural, it requires privacy and is part of of a loving household.

You won't need a lock on the bedroom door in a year or so, your daughter will have grown up in leaps and bounds by then and generally teenage boys definitely need their privacy and understand you need yours.

It really is a non problem.

*On another note it's good that this is your only problem.
*

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