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Original poster

Sex with teenagers in the house

172 replies

Thisisit11 · 25/10/2022 22:26

Interested to know if/how you do it. We have DS (13) and DD (11) and privacy has gone with the 7pm bedtimes. DD in particular seems tuned into the fact we might get up to something when we're alone and always appears at our bedroom at door at the wrong moment (not quite been caught at it but ..). Then, DH starts losing his temper because she's getting out of bed despite being told to go to sleep etc. Not romantic (and also not cool - he and I will then argue about him being so shirty with her NB is it normal for her to be so anti us being alone together?!?! Should I be worried?). Anyway, do any of you actually manage it?! If so, how!

OP posts:
Topgub · 27/10/2022 18:50

@Condescendingtwats

Are you really suggesting accidentally hearing your parents having sex is child abuse?

NerrSnerr · 27/10/2022 18:52

DivorcedAndDelighted · 27/10/2022 18:46

This article on how to deal with catching your parents having sex is quite entertaining and has some good ideas re soundproofing eg moving furniture against the partition wall. It ends with this note:
Be grateful that your parents are having sex- it is the sign of a healthy relationship.

I can categorically say that my parents having loud sex was not a sign of a healthy relationship. They hated each other a lot of the time and I was kept up by them arguing too (they are long divorced now).

Hearing parents have sex does not mean that they are happy!

Condescendingtwats · 27/10/2022 18:53

Topgub · 27/10/2022 18:50

@Condescendingtwats

Are you really suggesting accidentally hearing your parents having sex is child abuse?

Bloody heck’ of course not!
why be so obtuse?!

im responding to a poster about sexual arousal/parents. They couldn’t believe what another poster put about being aroused and I put about how I can believe that to be possible.

FFS

Topgub · 27/10/2022 18:57

@Condescendingtwats

Ot being obtuse

That's how

Witnessing sex acts involuntary is classed as sexual abuse due to the complex emotional trauma it brings. So I can believe overhearing it would have the same affects?

Read to me

Condescendingtwats · 27/10/2022 19:01

Topgub · 27/10/2022 18:57

@Condescendingtwats

Ot being obtuse

That's how

Witnessing sex acts involuntary is classed as sexual abuse due to the complex emotional trauma it brings. So I can believe overhearing it would have the same affects?

Read to me

well yes. Posters are saying it caused them long term trauma and I’m saying I can see how that could possibly happen?

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 27/10/2022 19:14

Sapphire387 · 27/10/2022 07:31

It didn't bother me as a child (well, teenager) but then I think my parents were very careful because it was only occasional... either that or they didn't have much sex!!

I thought it was a bit embarrassing / yuck, but I was aware that it was what adults who loved each other did.

I think there is a massive difference between your kids accidentally overhearing you now and again when you are trying to be discreet, like my parents... and having really loud, indiscreet sex regardless of who hears.

I'm genuinely perplexed at the people who mention being 'traumatised' but I accept we're all different, and families are different and education around sex is different, and all sorts.

I was going to write my own post, but was going to say pretty much this.

PotatoFamily · 27/10/2022 19:16

We are openly affectionate with each other in front of the kids, which makes them cringe. To get rid of them at bedtime we just have to say ‘go to bed, we want ‘adult time’ now’ and they know exactly what this means and why they don’t want to be around to witness it. They’re straight off to bed with headphones on. 😂

jezziej · 27/10/2022 20:01

Can it really bring feelings of arousal? I can honestly say that’s grim. Im not sure what kind of mind comes up with that but poor them if that’s where their minds lead them.

A teenager hears two people having sex. Yes, it can cause arousal, confusion and disgust. It's not a conscious decision and exposure to that can mess people up

Don't get why people are bending over backwards to defend damaging their kids. We all make mistakes now and then, the difference is it didn't need to be defended By pretending it's fine to continually expose your kids to you have sex

jezziej · 27/10/2022 20:04

DivorcedAndDelighted · 27/10/2022 18:44

I can't actually see any posts from people saying 'yeah, I heard them/knew what they were up to when the door got locked, but it wasn't an issue'

Every single person is saying it affected them as a child and/or causes them issues as an adul t.

That's because people who aren't bothered don't even think it's worth commenting on. It's part of life. Think about how many societies have the whole family sharing one room and they still manage!
I heard it, wasn't bothered by it, am very grateful that my parents raised me with a healthy attitude to sex and no shame about it.

This is sad. Your parents can raise you with a healthy attitude without inviting you into their sex life. There's more than one way.

Even if families share a room in some circumstances, it doesn't necessarily mean children are exposed or that it's ok. That's still grim

DivorcedAndDelighted · 27/10/2022 20:59

Your parents can raise you with a healthy attitude without inviting you into their sex life. There's more than one way.

Sure. But occasionally hearing the odd noise really isn't "inviting you into their sex life".

Anyway, a cheap Bluetooth speaker, music off your phone, and a door wedge or a very cheap and easy to fit bolt or cabin hook, and it's sorted. Pillow behind the headboard if any knocking.

My kids haven't heard anything; they're an assertive lot who knows they're welcome to tell me about what they consider my parenting fails, and do so respectfully and with humour now that most of them are adults.

Faultymain5 · 28/10/2022 07:48

Condescendingtwats · 27/10/2022 18:38

What many people don’t know is that sexual arousal can be entirely involuntary.

many children who are sexually abused have shame over them because they also experience arousal whilst hating the act itself.

i don’t want to get graphic because it’s disturbing but physical arousal during an assault is very common. This adds to the trauma due to the shame. Confusion because you hated what happened but your body reacted in a completely different way. Feelings of ‘Was it abuse because i was aroused?’

if you Google it then you can read up more on this.

so yes I can believe that children could become involuntarily aroused whilst hearing the act of sex but also be disgusted by it because the people having the sex are their parents.

so it does cause confusing trauma around sex. Sex turns shameful and confusing.

hope I explained this in a way that makes sense.

I actually did a paper on child abuse at uni as part of my child protection module and it was around the emotional trauma of sex abuse. Witnessing sex acts involuntary is classed as sexual abuse due to the complex emotional trauma it brings. So I can believe overhearing it would have the same affects?

Show quote history

Thank you. I was aware of involuntary arousal during trauma. Just didn’t think of it in this scenario. Interesting.

Faultymain5 · 28/10/2022 07:51

jezziej · 27/10/2022 20:04

This is sad. Your parents can raise you with a healthy attitude without inviting you into their sex life. There's more than one way.

Even if families share a room in some circumstances, it doesn't necessarily mean children are exposed or that it's ok. That's still grim

Show quote history

Accidentally overhearing is not an invitation. To act as though unintentionally hearing someone (anyone) have sex is exhibitionism. And yes I consider inviting someone into your sex life a firm of exhibitionism.

no one invites their child to listen.

Faultymain5 · 28/10/2022 08:17

jezziej · 27/10/2022 20:01

Can it really bring feelings of arousal? I can honestly say that’s grim. Im not sure what kind of mind comes up with that but poor them if that’s where their minds lead them.

A teenager hears two people having sex. Yes, it can cause arousal, confusion and disgust. It's not a conscious decision and exposure to that can mess people up

Don't get why people are bending over backwards to defend damaging their kids. We all make mistakes now and then, the difference is it didn't need to be defended By pretending it's fine to continually expose your kids to you have sex

Who is continually exposing their kids?

Firstly, I don’t know how many of us on this thread are lucky enough to have frequent sex. Secondly, I don’t know how many of us are still able to swing from the chandeliers but I for one don’t have the knees nor my husband the back for those shenanigans.

if parents do what they can to minimise the noise and the kids still hear. Sorry but it’s an accident and it is what it is. Why on earth I should feel shame for having a middle aged healthy sex life is beyond me.

If your parents’ healthy sex life ‘damaged’ you. Get help. Stop trying to shame others who don’t feel the same way. We are different.

No parent is trying to damage their children from the privacy of their own bedroom.

Catlover1970 · 28/10/2022 22:46

Thisisit11 · 25/10/2022 23:04

Ha ha what an idiot am I re the title 🤣🤣.

Thanks all. DH has to leave by 6am for work so is out very early, ruling that out. For the same reason, we kinda have to be in bed at the same time as the kids. Weekend mornings used to be a time but the kids still get up as early as ever and are less interested in their screens now so they are too...present! I guess the answer is wait til they've left home 😆🙈🙄.

Just put a lock on the door!

Catlover1970 · 28/10/2022 22:50

jezziej · 26/10/2022 15:43

Honestly. These threads are always so icky, the way people feel entitled to have any sex they like, cos they're adults. Kids can suck it up, eh?

Show quote history

Not getting any I’m guessing?

Catlover1970 · 28/10/2022 22:52

Condescendingtwats · 27/10/2022 18:38

What many people don’t know is that sexual arousal can be entirely involuntary.

many children who are sexually abused have shame over them because they also experience arousal whilst hating the act itself.

i don’t want to get graphic because it’s disturbing but physical arousal during an assault is very common. This adds to the trauma due to the shame. Confusion because you hated what happened but your body reacted in a completely different way. Feelings of ‘Was it abuse because i was aroused?’

if you Google it then you can read up more on this.

so yes I can believe that children could become involuntarily aroused whilst hearing the act of sex but also be disgusted by it because the people having the sex are their parents.

so it does cause confusing trauma around sex. Sex turns shameful and confusing.

hope I explained this in a way that makes sense.

I actually did a paper on child abuse at uni as part of my child protection module and it was around the emotional trauma of sex abuse. Witnessing sex acts involuntary is classed as sexual abuse due to the complex emotional trauma it brings. So I can believe overhearing it would have the same affects?

Show quote history

Hmmmm 😹

Catlover1970 · 28/10/2022 22:52

DivorcedAndDelighted · 27/10/2022 18:46

This article on how to deal with catching your parents having sex is quite entertaining and has some good ideas re soundproofing eg moving furniture against the partition wall. It ends with this note:
Be grateful that your parents are having sex- it is the sign of a healthy relationship.

This.

Doingthework · 29/10/2022 07:23

@Catlover1970

. Are you also ok with them materbaiting to the sound of you having sex because for some and I agree not all this is what it will be happening.and I apologise if thats grim but it is a reality that I feel is often missed in threads like this with pp’s not connecting their own sexual needs with that of their childrens. Hearing sex noises is arousing and can be very confusing for a hormonal teen.

Would you be happy that they may have recoded the sounds on their phone to share with there friends or on a popular websites as you only need Google it to find children who have.Yes. everyone it appears parental revenge porn is a thing.

if answers to the above are yes then that’s great carry on. Please don’t think I am not getting any or in any way at prudish it is the exact opposite. my childhood experiences I believe have contributed to be being very sexual which.has its bonuses but has also lead to relationship issues and previous risky behaviours My parents are blissfully unaware of their impact as I like many others I never told them and they never asked. I truly wish either or both had happened and admire the kids that do and hope any teen finding this thread would do the same.not in a shaming way but where both can openly discuss how it feels and that parents then listen and address concerns and make the compromises they. Feel if any are needed. I do think more modern day teens would do that as they have better access to information (I’ve had a good look before posting this)

Me I’ve currently got little ones that sleep.I am already planning how it will look as we move into the future and will try my best to be better/ more discreet and more believe or not openly more sex positive than they were. as I see that being they key as I had neither .

My goal would be a Netflix style sex room in our cellar but currently that’s a pipe dream 😀

ButterflyBiscuit · 29/10/2022 08:50

Ah I'm. With you on the dream room! Can you imagine explaining that one to the kids. Or when they bring friends round "here's the living room. Kitchen, bathroom oh and that's a dungeon the parents have kinky sex in...."

Doingthework · 29/10/2022 09:17

Ha! It would test my talking to them is the way forward theory. I may have to go with mum and dads “special TV room” and forgo the flogging bench that might explain the sound proofing 😉

ButterflyBiscuit · 29/10/2022 09:28

Yeah I think those elements of our sex life I'd rather they didn't know... but yes all that has to be done when they're our for sound reasons!

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/10/2022 09:31

Those that claim be “traumatised” from overhearing their parents have sex do not know what trauma is

Afterfire · 30/10/2022 12:14

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/10/2022 09:31

Those that claim be “traumatised” from overhearing their parents have sex do not know what trauma is

That’s really unfair.

I had a very abusive upbringing actually. My mum had schizophrenia and was an alcoholic and was in and out of mental hospital when I was a child. I was in foster care several times. I could write pages and pages of traumatic incidents I’ve had to endure both as a child and as an adult, now with chronic disabilities. Hearing my Dad and step mum having sex was traumatic for me. It doesn’t mean it’s the only traumatic thing to ever have happened to me. 🙄 What a naive comment.

altmember · 30/10/2022 18:34

My dp isn't very good at quiet sex, always seems to end up being rather fast and noisy. So we mostly only have sex on child free weekends, when our kids are away with their other parents. I think the difficult age for kids overhearing is about 10 through early teenage years. Younger than that and they've little knowledge of what is actually going on, older than that at they've come to terms with it and realised that it's totally normal for parents to have a sex life.

DSS (12) has woken up and overheard twice though - once while we were away on holiday in a caravan with paper thin walls, and once at home where he insists on sleeping with his bedroom door wide open. He's a very deep sleeper and nothing ever wakes him usually. First time he claimed not to know what the noise was: "I thought I could hear the dog panting"! 😂Second time he knew exactly what it was and he made a point of getting up, going downstairs and putting on the TV. I thought dp would say that we couldn't have sex when the kids are in the house any more, but instead just shrugged and said "I'm not going to not have sex in my own house".

I never overheard my own parent's having sex, although I genuinely think they never did/do. I'm perplexed at how they managed to conceive 3 kids lol. Reason being, I've never ever seen them be affectionate towards each other at all - not even holding hands, cuddling, kissing, or snuggling up on the sofa. Nothing at all, and looking back I actually think that was more 'damaging' to us as kids than if we had overheard them in the bedroom. Being affectionate was a bit of an alien concept to me because of that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/10/2022 19:26

Surely though most people when they decide to have kids don’t go into it thinking there are gonna forfeit their sex lives?

I just don’t believe that the majority of parents only have sex when their kids are asleep or out of the house. Cos that really narrows down the options if you have older kids for example or you work full time out of the house or whatever (which most of us do now)