Sex with teenagers in the house

[Thisisit11]

Interested to know if/how you do it. We have DS (13) and DD (11) and privacy has gone with the 7pm bedtimes. DD in particular seems tuned into the fact we might get up to something when we're alone and always appears at our bedroom at door at the wrong moment (not quite been caught at it but ..). Then, DH starts losing his temper because she's getting out of bed despite being told to go to sleep etc. Not romantic (and also not cool - he and I will then argue about him being so shirty with her NB is it normal for her to be so anti us being alone together?!?! Should I be worried?). Anyway, do any of you actually manage it?! If so, how!

It's crap. Our upstairs walls are just partitions so you can hear any bit of movement. 16 year old DS has the little room next door to us, I can hear him turning over in bed and opening his bedside drawer so I know he can hear us too. It completely puts me off. Luckily he falls asleep fast and is a heavy sleeper, zonked once he's out. We were both awake with jet lag about 2am the other week and thought we were safe to do it. But no, right in the middle of it all the door opened and in walked DS sleepily asking all concerrned "What's that noise?" He hadn't got all the way in the room and we both froze. DH shouted "Nothing! Go back to bed!" Put us right off our stride.

DS didn't mention anything next day but there was definitely a strange atmosphere when I said good morning to him. He knew. He'd obviously been reflecting.

It's really all off-putting having teens in the house. I can't switch off from the thought they'll hear us.

Lock on the bedroom door and teach them to knock and wait if the door is shut. My kids are 14 and 8 and know if the door is shut then they don't bother us unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire! Just to add this is always at night, we don't disappear off for daytime sex with them in the house!

Honestly. These threads are always so icky, the way people feel entitled to have any sex they like, cos they're adults. Kids can suck it up, eh?

Build log cabin /home office in your garden turn it into an adults only space ..happy days! We had a sofa bed in ours for seating (obviously!!)Kids didnt want to hang out with us so off we went to watch our tv and had a natter in peace oh and well...it worked.

Let her walk in. She'll only do it once........

I heard my parents (not often and def not deliberate)

It wasn't an issue.

Adults who are in a relationship have sex.

It didn't scar or traumatise me.

Ours have heard us (def not deliberate, it was very late, we thought they were asleep)

They were much younger tbf.

The idea that you shouldn't have sex if you have kids in the house is crazy.

There's ways and means

Ok sorry I spoke,I was just explaining where I was coming from

Definitely get a lock for your door, or a door stop so kids can’t just barge in. I can understand your DH being annoyed with an 11yr old hanging around the room and constantly getting out of bed. She’s not 5. On the weekend stay up later, at least that the younger kid. She doesn’t have to be up until you go to bed. Put the TV on in your room quietly and lock the door. You’re entitled to privacy and if kids need you then they can knock and wait at their age. Maybe make up some room about everyone needing to knock on each other’s door and wait for privacy, incase someone’s getting changed. My DD changes in the bathroom and her dad asked me why she he knocks on her door, I said because you knock and walk straight in, which defeats the purpose of knocking. He was in such a huff about it, but then the next day started knocking and waiting!

@tenbob

i very much agree with you. I think a lot of advice is always to get a lock or establish boundaries but that does not then make your bedroom sound proof. in my case the door shutting was the overt signal it was about to begin. I am pretty sure my parents like possibly some posters here didn’t think we could hear and took nearly all the steps mentioned in this and previous similar threads,but we could hear and it did have a negative effect on my hormonal teenage brain carrying on into adulthood.

I would ask PP’s who are comfortable that their children could or are hearing their parents sex noises (squeaking, moaning,skin slapping,Orgasm) and that it is a part of the growing up experience. That you are equally as cool and comfortable to ask them if they are actually ok with it if the answer is yes then crack on but if not please listen.

I would give anything to have had that opportunity and maybe it might have been different for me and I would not have the awful regret that didn’t tell them and advocate for myself better.

We DTD when we're both wfh. Much easier!!

@Doingthework

Yes. When ours heard us, we discussed it with them and explained that adult couples in relationships have sex.

I dont think they were or would be cool with it and we do take every step to try take sure they don't hear.

But at the same time I'm also not willing to give up my sex life until they move out.

Are you suggesting that's reasonable?

@Topgub

I really wanted to make the point that a locked door does not prevent sound and that everyone should be aware that just because they don’t tell you or complain that everyone is ok.

You were ok when it happened to you and that’s great you’re level of exposure may have been different but again we’re all different. Your children maybe ok like you were that’s also great it does I believe make a difference with pre 11 and teens to be honest if I’d wondered what the noise was at 8 and they’d explained like you then I may have been ok bit again this is not the same for everyone I was 12 hormonal and having a terrible time at school to then lie in bed at night hearing sex and feeling frozen in my bed and a rush of weird sexual emotions messed me up.Then finding out as an adult that it wasn’t normal for everyone left me feeling that the parents I loved should have been either more open (sex positive) or far more carful than they thought they were being.

It is for you @Topgub to square your own circle or what is a reasonable balance between a healthy active sex life with all the benefits and joys it brings and your Children’s mental well-being.

I have a chance to be better than my parents. I hope to be sex positive and more careful x

@Doingthework

I don't know what squaring a circle means but sex positive sounds good.

I hated hearing my mum and her partner. I'd hide my head under the pillow but it was awful.

It didn't bother me as a child (well, teenager) but then I think my parents were very careful because it was only occasional... either that or they didn't have much sex!!

I thought it was a bit embarrassing / yuck, but I was aware that it was what adults who loved each other did.

I think there is a massive difference between your kids accidentally overhearing you now and again when you are trying to be discreet, like my parents... and having really loud, indiscreet sex regardless of who hears.

I'm genuinely perplexed at the people who mention being 'traumatised' but I accept we're all different, and families are different and education around sex is different, and all sorts.

Some house rules about privacy.

And noise cancelling headphones 🤷🏻‍♀️

My 16 yo daughter knows my bf and I have sex. I used to stay over at a previous boyfriend's house when she was at her dad's (13/14) I told her it was so I could have a drink and not worrying about coming home.

She just said, "Mummy. We both know what it means,🤔" and no more was said on the matter.

They no doubt expect privacy in their rooms and don't want you just going in at anytime. We'll that works both ways. They're never too young to learn about respect and other people's boundaries. Nor to realise that their parents have a life beyond caring for them.

If your dc overhear you don't have to be mortified but it's not good, it's still not sobering anyone should accept.

People are traumatised because getting their parents having sex can bring feelings of arousal: directed towards your parents. Should be obvious why nobody wants to hear that.

Can it really bring feelings of arousal? I can honestly say that’s grim. Im not sure what kind of mind comes up with that but poor them if that’s where their minds lead them.

I never saw it that way and also find it weird how people are ‘traumatised’. Seems like such an extreme reaction to overhearing the act.

It made me feel really uncomfortable. I used to lie in bed scared to move a muscle in case they realised I was awake and could hear them.

Great if you just shrugged it off as a kid but so many people have said that hearing their parents have sex negatively affected them. How can you be sure your children aren't negatively affected (it's not exactly an easy subject to discuss for most teenagers).

I still stand by what I said upthread. I couldn't imagine having sex within earshot of my children and wouldn't be able to orgasm thinking they could hear me.

What I meant was I couldn't have sex knowing my children could hear! We have quiet sex (and have a quiet bed) but wouldn't be vocal at all.

It doesn't have to be a secret that you have a love life, and the kids don't need to be asleep; you just need uninterrupted time, and it's none of their business what you do in it. Tell them you need time off duty and you're not to be disturbed when in your room after X time unless it's an emergency. Put music on and a lock on the door. They're old enough to be able to handle this.

Yep, as a veteran parent of teenagers, I agree 100% with this.

What many people don’t know is that sexual arousal can be entirely involuntary.

many children who are sexually abused have shame over them because they also experience arousal whilst hating the act itself.

i don’t want to get graphic because it’s disturbing but physical arousal during an assault is very common. This adds to the trauma due to the shame. Confusion because you hated what happened but your body reacted in a completely different way. Feelings of ‘Was it abuse because i was aroused?’

if you Google it then you can read up more on this.

so yes I can believe that children could become involuntarily aroused whilst hearing the act of sex but also be disgusted by it because the people having the sex are their parents.

so it does cause confusing trauma around sex. Sex turns shameful and confusing.

hope I explained this in a way that makes sense.

I actually did a paper on child abuse at uni as part of my child protection module and it was around the emotional trauma of sex abuse. Witnessing sex acts involuntary is classed as sexual abuse due to the complex emotional trauma it brings. So I can believe overhearing it would have the same affects?

I can't actually see any posts from people saying 'yeah, I heard them/knew what they were up to when the door got locked, but it wasn't an issue'

Every single person is saying it affected them as a child and/or causes them issues as an adul t.

That's because people who aren't bothered don't even think it's worth commenting on. It's part of life. Think about how many societies have the whole family sharing one room and they still manage!
I heard it, wasn't bothered by it, am very grateful that my parents raised me with a healthy attitude to sex and no shame about it.

This article on how to deal with catching your parents having sex is quite entertaining and has some good ideas re soundproofing eg moving furniture against the partition wall. It ends with this note:
Be grateful that your parents are having sex- it is the sign of a healthy relationship.