Husband just slapped me

[carbibarbie]

..... I said he was too busy pleasing himself to spend any time with us as a family. He went out in the evening twice this week and is spending all day doing his hobbies. I said he could take our 3 year old son swimming next week. He said 'no thanks, I'm busy, stop being a bitch' and I squirted baby pouch at him (we have a 1 year old) and he slapped me hard across my cheek. Our children were next door. He then said 'you deserved that'. This is the icing on the cake. He spends no time with the children and I'm just envious of those families who have lovely weekends together. I don't know what to do. I don't want to see my children 50% of the time, I will not survive that.

He will demand 50/50 but in reality he’s unlikely to do this as he won’t want anything to interfere with his hobbies.

This with bells on. My ex cheated then had the audacity to say he wanted 50/50. He never bothered as he knew it would be too much hard work.
Yours won't either it's just what they to make you feel stuck.

You can't stay with him because you are afraid of him having the dc 50/50, because he could leave you at any time and seek that. Right now you have a very good reason to end the relationship and if you report him to the police you can end it on your terms. However much trouble he or his family try to make he will be seen for what he is, violent and abusive. He sounds like an odious man and you and your children will be better off without him.

If a man squirted a baby pouch of food over a woman in an argument, MN would absolutely be slating him. No question. There was a thread here recently where the man chucked water over the woman and not one person said “aah it’s just silly, it’s just water, give him a break”. He was criticised by literally everyone for making the row physical and it was described by many as assault.

So let’s not pretend that chucking food, water or anything else over someone is acceptable. Because it’s not.

But squirting food isn’t on the same level as a slap. Neither are acceptable but actual violence is way worse. Infinitely worse.

You know you need to leave OP especially as this isn’t the first time but I understand your fears over custody. But please don’t risk staying and the violence escalating, it’s not healthy for your DC or you.

Bollocks

SQUIRITING A SPLODGE OF PUREED SWEET POTATO AT SOMEONE IS NOT ASSAULT.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Absolutely agree.

Agree that squirting baby food isn't the same as violence!! If I had ever squirted splodges of puree at DH, he'd have laughed at me.

OP, who is the primary carer for the children? Are you a SAHM? If you both work, who collects the children from school, feeds them, listens to them read, gets their book bags ready, etc, etc, etc? If you and your husband do this equally, he could make a case for 50:50. If you don't, he can't.

People assume a parent can just demand 50:50, but that isn't how it works. The way it works is that the children's lives are to be kept as 'normal' as possible, given that they are in a scary, new, shitty situation as a result of divorce. So if one parent has largely been absent (at work, pursuing hobbies, having 'me time' - whatever), then that parent will see correspondingly less of the children.

I am not going to tell you what to do, OP, as I stayed in order to make sure the children were with me all the time, and I know this goes down badly on MN. But I really strongly suggest you tell someone IRL (doesn't have to be the police or Women's Aid, if those things feel too big). Your mum, sister, friend - anyone you trust, and who isn't related to your husband (so not his sister, say, if he had one and you got on well with her). Then take it from there.

It 100% is assault. You can say bollocks as much as you like but it is still assault or civil battery. If a man did this you would all say LTB.

For everyone on about the pouch of baby food, here is some information on reactive abuse.

breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

themendproject.com/reactive-abuse/

This is a common and recognised part of the abusive dynamic.

You're a 100% an absolute idiot.

Squirting puree at someone is childish and annoying, the kind of things siblings do to one another. But it is not assault.

Such a pick me girl. Desperate for pats on the head from men.

Bad advice. This is a situation that can end in death. Allowing children to grow up seeing domestic violence, even if they don't actually witness it is a surefire gaurantee to seriously damage their mental health, they may never recover. They can have PTSD, addiction issues, behavioural problems, social problems.... They may go on to tolerate domestic violence themselves or they may perpetrate what they have seen. Its much more important than just not worth the hassle. Please know that as others have said, it's going to get worse. You deserve happiness.

No woman should EVER be with (or want to be with) a man who slaps them and tells them they deserve it. You absolutely do not deserve to be physically assaulted!! You deserve to be loved, supported and cherished by your DH.

Intimate partner violence comes in two different types, broadly speaking;

Situational violence is not the same as abusive violence.

An abusive relationship is not just 'someone slapping someone'. It's a pattern of control and coercion and psychological manipulation that can include physical violence as one part of the abuse.

OP (I'm so sorry) is very clearly the partner being abused.

www.blackburncenter.org/post/2015/11/04/situational-violence-versus-domestic-violence

I don't need pats in the head from anyone thanks.

Whilst I agree that squirting food at someone is childish I cannot believe the amount of people who are trying to justify that a man slapping his wife hard across the face is a normal reaction. By doing this you are making OP think that she deserves this abuse and should be ashamed of yourselves.

If anyone wants to discuss OP's baby food stuff, I would be more than happy to make another thread, if we could leave this one to support OP, that would be really helpful.

Because OP really needs support here.

OP I seriously feel for you and have been where you are.

my ex was physically and mentally abusive but I glossed over it as we did have some good times. We had our own home two beautiful kids.

I didn’t report the small stuff, the first time I did - at the time it felt like all hell had broken loose. The police arrested him, social services were contacted and had to come and review the situation, the whole family was disgusted with me for reporting him. At the end of the day I got away from him but having children means I will never be free and no one will never believe what I went through because I never said a word.

Its the life of your children, your life and ultimately your choice. I ripped the plaster and my only regret is the time I spent telling myself that it was just this once.

please talk to someone in real life. You will be surprised at how much good support is out there.

www.diemlegal.co.uk/domestic-abuse-violence-charities-organisations/

What is wrong with you?

People like you are why women don't report abuse. Shame on you for gaslighting OP into thinking she is the abuser.

It's clear you don't understand and know anything about the dynamics of abuse so maybe just refrain from making stupid comments. Hopefully you're never abused but if it ever happens to you I hope that people around you are not total POS trying to convince you you're the abuser because you reacted in a petty way to something.

I'm genuinely shocked that you think this or think it's appropriate to say it. Awful.

My friend’s wife poured water over her friend in a row in a restaurant. Police were called and they classed it as assault. Aside from that. Please leave him, he’s abusive.

OP this doesn't matter. This isn't about your fear or what you think might happen. The priority is your children who do not have a choice and need you to protect them.

You need to call the police, so you have evidence for when you leave him. You need to leave him, and use the evidence to make sure you get a good custody agreement.

It sounds like he's a waste of space anyway so I doubt he'll be capable of looking after the kids or want to.

OP don't be the woman who comes back here in a year saying it's so hard to leave but he abuses you constantly, and that your kids witness it. You need to do the right thing as a parent, regardless of how you feel about it. Your kids need you to step up.

What a helpful comment. Now OP who is already concerned probably won't report this to the police.

OP anyone with a brain, including police trained on abuse, will clearly see the difference and understand who the victim is. Don't let silly comments derail you.

You shouldn't have squirted food over him. He shouldn't have hit you. The relationship sounds very toxic and he sounds very selfish if he is out doing his own thing all the time and not helping with the kids. You have every right to feel frustrated and express that and his response was rude and disrespectful.
Just know that if you call the police and report domestic abuse, they will automatically make a referral to children's services. So think before you make that call, are you definitely wanting and going to leave?
You could try calling womens aid helpline and speaking to term confidentiality.