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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband just slapped me

357 replies

carbibarbie · 23/10/2022 13:18

..... I said he was too busy pleasing himself to spend any time with us as a family. He went out in the evening twice this week and is spending all day doing his hobbies. I said he could take our 3 year old son swimming next week. He said 'no thanks, I'm busy, stop being a bitch' and I squirted baby pouch at him (we have a 1 year old) and he slapped me hard across my cheek. Our children were next door. He then said 'you deserved that'. This is the icing on the cake. He spends no time with the children and I'm just envious of those families who have lovely weekends together. I don't know what to do. I don't want to see my children 50% of the time, I will not survive that.

OP posts:
ScruffMuffin · 23/10/2022 17:20

But squirting him wasn't the start of it. He started it by refusing to look after his own children and calling the OP a bitch.

Pinkyxx · 23/10/2022 17:23

I've not read the whole thread but:

  1. It starts with verbal abuse.
  2. It moves on to a slap.
  3. The slap becomes a punch
  4. The punch becomes a more violent assault.

This is domestic abuse. It is up to you if you report it or not, but bear in mind if you leave him and you don't report it, there will be no evidence of his violence when it comes to protecting your children. The family courts are a play ground for abusive men, and they take full advantage of that.

I felt I couldn't report my ex's assaults (which escalated such that the damage he did to my body means I will be in pain ever day until I die). I had no evidence whatsoever and he denied everything. It was disregarded...

The worst part is the damage living (for 2 years only) in a toxic household did to our child. While it was not evident at the time, and she witnessed very little, she was severely traumatized by what she experienced as a young child. After we split when she was 2, she had contact with him and he started to emotionally abuse her. She is now a teenager now and has had emotional, behavioral issues most of her life. It was explained to me a couple of years ago that all of it is linked to the trauma she has suffered (and continues to experience).

I will never forgive myself for not leave the very first time he was verbally abusive to me. I might of spared my child a life time of pain if I had.

Women's Aid are very helpful in planning safe ways to leave. Please give them a call.

YoBeaches · 23/10/2022 17:24

@Bzzz that's utter bollocks.

OP you need to get a grip and report him. You're worried I case police turn up in front of the kids but you're not worried about yours or their safety around this man?

Pull yourself together. The kids need you to sort this out.

You need to start the reported trail of abuse so when you do leave his chances of custody are reduced.

This is your one and only wake up call. He said you deserved it - for asking him to spend time with his children you deserved to be physically assaulted? He has no remorse. He has tested you now - he is building ground for future abuse.

Get out.

RealFeminist · 23/10/2022 17:25

Forget about the pouch of food.

OP is in an abusive relationship. Almost always this is a pattern of coercion and control. (He's been rough with me before)

Physical abuse is generally quite far down the road. Women are led to believe they have 'provoked' abuse.

OP, I'm so sorry. The police and Women's Aid will both be able to help you. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, to be embarrassed about. Flowers

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 17:32

Bzzz · 23/10/2022 17:19

If he purposely squirted something at you and then you slapped him, 99% of the people on here would say you acted reasonably and that he started it - why should the response be different when the roles are reversed. You started it by purposely squirting him. Neither of you should have done what you did.

You don't know that @Bzzz & I think you are wrong.

Also - he started it, by refusing to take care of his own child, then calling OP a bitch. He's also hit her before. Yet here you are, taking the side of the man who is physically abusing OP. What motivates you to do that, I wonder?

Ponkyandthebrain · 23/10/2022 17:34

Please don’t let him make you think that what he did is in any way justified. As a police officer who specialises in domestic abuse please call for help and get him out of the house and away from you. Due to the violence you would be entitled to refuse contact until he was assessed by social services for a contact arrangement if that’s what you wanted. 50/50 is usually a very empty threat

sue20 · 23/10/2022 17:36

Well if he’s always been like this why are you with him? He sounds disgusting. Although splitting is hard it’s bad for kids to be around parents who have bad relationship. If you were to file for divorce on basis of him hitting you you’d probably be able to argue for full time kids. It’s unlikely to improve sorry

Feelinglikeachange22 · 23/10/2022 17:37

You shouldn't squirt baby food
He should not swear at you.
He should definitely not slap you.
The relationship has turned toxic.
Time to put some space between you for the sake of your children.

Caroffee · 23/10/2022 17:41

Pinkyxx · 23/10/2022 17:23

I've not read the whole thread but:

  1. It starts with verbal abuse.
  2. It moves on to a slap.
  3. The slap becomes a punch
  4. The punch becomes a more violent assault.

This is domestic abuse. It is up to you if you report it or not, but bear in mind if you leave him and you don't report it, there will be no evidence of his violence when it comes to protecting your children. The family courts are a play ground for abusive men, and they take full advantage of that.

I felt I couldn't report my ex's assaults (which escalated such that the damage he did to my body means I will be in pain ever day until I die). I had no evidence whatsoever and he denied everything. It was disregarded...

The worst part is the damage living (for 2 years only) in a toxic household did to our child. While it was not evident at the time, and she witnessed very little, she was severely traumatized by what she experienced as a young child. After we split when she was 2, she had contact with him and he started to emotionally abuse her. She is now a teenager now and has had emotional, behavioral issues most of her life. It was explained to me a couple of years ago that all of it is linked to the trauma she has suffered (and continues to experience).

I will never forgive myself for not leave the very first time he was verbally abusive to me. I might of spared my child a life time of pain if I had.

Women's Aid are very helpful in planning safe ways to leave. Please give them a call.

This post sums it all up perfectly, including the effect on children who witness DV. I was such a child. I've never been able to trust men and am now single in my 40s.

Navigatingnewwaters · 23/10/2022 17:44

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 17:32

You don't know that @Bzzz & I think you are wrong.

Also - he started it, by refusing to take care of his own child, then calling OP a bitch. He's also hit her before. Yet here you are, taking the side of the man who is physically abusing OP. What motivates you to do that, I wonder?

Show quote history

No, this is utter tripe, I’d call it assault if she slapped him, you’ve just pulled some random made up statistic out of the air.

Navigatingnewwaters · 23/10/2022 17:44

Sorry quotes the wrong person

Navigatingnewwaters · 23/10/2022 17:46

Bzzz · 23/10/2022 17:19

If he purposely squirted something at you and then you slapped him, 99% of the people on here would say you acted reasonably and that he started it - why should the response be different when the roles are reversed. You started it by purposely squirting him. Neither of you should have done what you did.

This is the tripe ☝️

ArseMenagerie · 23/10/2022 17:47

Please ignore the moronic comments about who ‘started’ it. People on mumsnet always draw false equivalence and I knew someone would comment as soon as you admitted the squirting (as if it is in any way the same as a slap???) - on here nothing less than a completely unprovoked attack is good enough. Which tells you all you need to know about the view in society of male violence.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. It’s not easy to escape.
As a PP has said the impact on children where there is DV in the house is profound and long lasting so I hope you seek help asap x

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 17:48

No worries @Navigatingnewwaters - your intent was perfectly clear.

Navigatingnewwaters · 23/10/2022 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thank god you are single (for your children’s sakes) if you truly believe these things are on a par 🤡

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 17:49

on here nothing less than a completely unprovoked attack is good enough. Which tells you all you need to know about the view in society of male violence.

Spot on @ArseMenagerie.
Women policing other women for failing to be The Perfect Victim is not a good look. Internalised misogyny at its finest.

Zib · 23/10/2022 17:50

It won't get better. Get out of the relationship.

Also don't squirt baby pouches at other people, but it doesn't merit violence.

monkeysmum21 · 23/10/2022 17:52

carbibarbie · 23/10/2022 13:26

If I report to the police I have to
Give my address and will they turn up? I can't do that to my kids

what if next time he looses it he has a knife? What if next time your kids have to watch dv, you can’t do THAT to your kids. Call the police and start a new life. He’s already living his life without you.
All the best

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 23/10/2022 17:52

You assaulted him first. He shouldn't gave slapped you but ultimately its imo tit for tat. I thank you need to leave him. The relationship is toxic.

ScruffMuffin · 23/10/2022 17:52

Sorry for temporarily derailing the thread, but I've been wondering about something. I've had a lifetime of MH problems and have always found darkness, nightfall and shouting triggering. I lived in a home with drunken DV for the first 15 months of my life. My brother was a newborn when we were removed from the situation, and has fared somewhat better. Could my problems with darkness, evenings, nights and chaos be linked to trouble at nightfall during my first year and a bit? Obviously I don't remember anything about it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 17:53

Please get out. Don’t listen to those, telling you you’re as bad as him. Squirting baby food after he called you a bitch is a false equivalence. He slapped you and told you you deserved this. It will escalate.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 17:56

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 23/10/2022 17:52

You assaulted him first. He shouldn't gave slapped you but ultimately its imo tit for tat. I thank you need to leave him. The relationship is toxic.

Squirting liquid is not assault @WoopsIdiditagain1

Repeatedly slapping, pushing around & telling your wife "you deserved it" is.
You seem to be blithely ignoring that.

It's not tit for tat - it's a threat "do not have the temerity to ask me to look after my own child, or I will hit you again" is what he's telling her, with that chilling statement.

porridgecake · 23/10/2022 17:57

He won't be remotely interested in looking after his children at all, never mind 50/50. He may threaten it, but he won't do it.

sue20 · 23/10/2022 17:58

Abusive bullying father: ways it can affect their children: boys can duplicate the behaviour so beat up their girlfriends/wives. Girls have difficulty trusting men. Obviously can go different ways - my father used to hit my mother, with holdmoney and bully, threaten us kids. For girls a mother not able to stand up to this affects them. I’m sorry but you need to leave him.

girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 17:59

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 23/10/2022 17:52

You assaulted him first. He shouldn't gave slapped you but ultimately its imo tit for tat. I thank you need to leave him. The relationship is toxic.

If he'd have slapped her hand as a reaction to stop her squirting the liquid then maybe. He slapped her round the face then told her she deserved it. That's nothing like the same thing.