DH always magically ill when I am ill

[InHazelnut]

Does anyone else have a DH who does this?

Actually you can replace “ill” with just “struggling in any way”. Yesterday it was stress - rushed off my feet at work, arduous commute, terrible evening with the kids crying and waking me. I told him I felt at breaking point as I just didn’t get to relax. He was sympathetic. But suddenly he has a “cold coming on” and feels dreadful, thus needed to sit on his phone all evening while I do everything, kids dinner bath bed etc. Not a drop of snot or a sneeze to be seen.

I’m actually rarely physically ill, but I can’t think of a single time I’ve been ill without him also being ill at the same time. What’s the psychology behind it? I’m sat here this evening wondering if I should have kept my stress level secret because then he probably wouldn’t have discovered his own illness and I may have incidentally got more help. I’m sure that’s mean of me to think.

He is fantastic in other ways so no LTB please. Just want reassurances I’m not the only one to experience this! Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

Does he have health anxiety? I suffer badly and have had years of therapy. If I've been exposed to someone ill I often have genuine physical symptoms after even if they don't turn into anything (eg extreme stomach pain but it doesn't become gastro, or flu symptoms but it's not flu as I'm fine 24 hours later). It must be psychological but it's so powerful. The ability of the subconscious to control the whole body is amazing really.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD. I think it is a way of shirking responsibility for domestic tasks.

Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

I have a family member like this but not a partner. I've read almost identical threads here though so you're not alone!

My dad is like this. According to him, his sore throats feel worse than other peoples sore throats.

I’m not sure how he knows this? 🤔

I doubt very much that he's suffering from health anxiety!

Yes. Remarkably, my husband once got period pain.

I agree that it's a shirking technique - if she's not going to be doing anything I'm not going to either.

@LeMoo "two migraines" LMFAO 😂😂😂

Yes. You’ve described my life. I sometimes joke about his period pains/peri symptoms being worse than mine. It’s infuriating. He’s always “fighting (valiantly) off a cold” or “affected too” but he’s fitter so can fight it off but feel terrible underneath. Honestly it actually makes me sad sometimes!

Fair enough @Justcallmebebes - he could certainly just be a lazy twat

My mother was like this. If you have a cold, she has flu. If you're tired, she's exhausted etc. It's v tiresome

Yes my H is like this. I'm tired, he's exhausted. I'm busy, he's rushed off his feet etc.

No advice really - other than I do t expect anything as then I'm not disappointed
.

So many threads about men like this.

They do it so they don't have to take care of you/children/housework etc when you're ill .

This is very common and I wonder if it's their way of trying to share and understand with you? They think they are sympathising and being supportive but what they don't realise is that it makes things worse as you've now got something and someone else to look after.

😂 period pains.

Unfortunately I think it must be a shirking technique. But he’s so kind, considerate and loving in other ways. I guess what I really wonder is whether it’s consciously or unconsciously done. I’d like to think the latter. I don’t think he’s aware he does it/does it on purpose.

I think I'd have to ask him why he does it, just to see what he said!

@Player001 I think you're being very generous!

It’s sad isn’t it? Just once I’d love him to have a “oh she’s struggling, what can I do to help?” type reaction instead.

I always let him rest when he’s genuinely ill, too. Maybe next time I’ll try saying “oh me too, but far worse” and climb under the duvet and leave him to do everything and deal with the kids. He would be flabbergasted. But I’d never do that, of course.

He does have a very low threshold for coping with things though (stress, illness) and I have a very high one, which doesn’t help. We’ve definitely had a “but you’re just so GOOD at getting on with things! You are superwoman! You don’t let people know you’re struggling!” type conversation before. So maybe its partly my fault.

I’ve been really poorly for 2 weeks, convinced it was covid but continually tested negative. Anyway I digress, this is killing DH, all I get it “did yours start with a tickily throat, did it start with a headache”

it goes on and on. I have a compressed disc and a herniated disc in my back, I’ve had periods where I cannot walk. I go and see a chiropractor every six weeks to keep on top of it. Suddenly DH needs to go to a chiropractor as he’s got a bit of a niggle in his ankle. He now also goes every 6 weeks

the list goes on and on 🙄

so yes it’s definitely a man/hypochondria thing, particularly with my DH

My ex husband was like this and like another poster, also had ‘period pains’ when I described what was wrong with me haha

He would also use the exact same word I had used to describe how I was feeling, verbatim. It was always to ensure he got time to help even less with our children or around the house. I could be suffering too and taking care of sick kids and he’d be an extra from the beginning of saving private Ryan.

Next time you feel unless/hugely stressed just state you have to go bed "right now" and depart before he can make any bollocks up.

No, because I'm not married to a twat. Your husband sounds like a childish waste of space tbh.

Yes mine does this. I nearly started a thread myself last week.
I’ve been really ill for a few weeks including a terrible cough. Really unusual for me DH has been away so really only kept up one night last week where he slept in the spare room. He’s was fine in the preceding evening but the morning after he was coming down with something; sore throat , tight chest, cough ( he has a habit of coughing every morning). He kept it up until the next day when he had to admit he was fine.
He does with with everything from bad days at work to illness. Competitive.

Because if you’re too sick to look after yourself, you shouldn’t go expecting him to pick up any slack because, ya know, he’s sick too.

Because he’s angry that his comfortable balance is upset by you not doing all the things you normally do.

Because you should be looking after him, not vice versa. That’s not his job. Care and tending is for women to give and men to receive. Men can’t be nurses.

Because if you get a night off, so does he.

I’ve seen variations of all of the above.

@lightisnotwhite I’m sorry you have to deal with it too. I hope you feel better soon.

So many women with similar experiences. Maybe we need to start a “two migraines” husband support group 😂

He doesn't think covering your 'chores' is his job.