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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH always magically ill when I am ill

137 replies

InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 21:17

Does anyone else have a DH who does this?

Actually you can replace “ill” with just “struggling in any way”. Yesterday it was stress - rushed off my feet at work, arduous commute, terrible evening with the kids crying and waking me. I told him I felt at breaking point as I just didn’t get to relax. He was sympathetic. But suddenly he has a “cold coming on” and feels dreadful, thus needed to sit on his phone all evening while I do everything, kids dinner bath bed etc. Not a drop of snot or a sneeze to be seen.

I’m actually rarely physically ill, but I can’t think of a single time I’ve been ill without him also being ill at the same time. What’s the psychology behind it? I’m sat here this evening wondering if I should have kept my stress level secret because then he probably wouldn’t have discovered his own illness and I may have incidentally got more help. I’m sure that’s mean of me to think.

He is fantastic in other ways so no LTB please. Just want reassurances I’m not the only one to experience this! Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

OP posts:
LaPerduta · 22/10/2022 05:57

Wednesdaywobbles · 21/10/2022 21:40

I’ve been really poorly for 2 weeks, convinced it was covid but continually tested negative. Anyway I digress, this is killing DH, all I get it “did yours start with a tickily throat, did it start with a headache”

it goes on and on. I have a compressed disc and a herniated disc in my back, I’ve had periods where I cannot walk. I go and see a chiropractor every six weeks to keep on top of it. Suddenly DH needs to go to a chiropractor as he’s got a bit of a niggle in his ankle. He now also goes every 6 weeks

the list goes on and on 🙄

so yes it’s definitely a man/hypochondria thing, particularly with my DH

Wow, that's lame of your DH. Appropriately.

Original poster
InHazelnut · 22/10/2022 06:04

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2022 05:26

What is there to love about someone who can’t cope with life or mental load or look after you when you’re sick? He sounds pathetic

Sorry but I think that people who find it hard to cope with life/struggle with their mental health still deserve to be loved. He contributes to family life and my happiness in many, many other ways (some women here really get it, but some don’t and that’s okay).

If everyone on earth was the same then it would be a very strange world indeed.

I love the tip about asking him if he feels well first before I say anything, and the one about saying “looks like we both feel crap so lets dole out tasks”. I will be trying these next time!

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 22/10/2022 06:32

My husband does this. I'm very rarely ill but during the summer holidays I came down with a sickness thing, threw up all evening and most of the night. I was really hoping to get some piece in the morning and recover. But no, my husband stayed in bed said he didn't feel well. Had me putting the recycling out because he hadn't bothered the night before, left all his and the boys dinner dishes. I felt like shit and was so weak. It pisses me off and he does it every single time. I'm ill then he decides to be.

BensonStabler · 22/10/2022 06:38
  • place marking
Shoxfordian · 22/10/2022 06:40

Sure, they deserve to be loved- I wouldn’t personally love someone who couldn’t take care of me when I was sick without deciding they were sick too - it sounds at best pathetic as I said, at worst actively manipulative behaviour so that you keep doing all your things so he doesn’t have to step up. I hope you’re never seriously unwell because you know you can’t depend on your husband to look after you.

Tadpoll · 22/10/2022 06:41

Actually he also does a thing where if I buy myself something, he always does too. Say I desperately need more jeans because mine have holes in. I’ll shop around for a bargain then order some. He will then immediately buy himself some new clothes too. Almost like “if you get something then I do too.”

My ex used to do this! I think it’s a about permission - if I did something then he was allowed to do it too, but he wouldn’t have allowed himself otherwise.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2022 06:41

What would have happened if you didn’t do those things cats? I think you should have left them if you’re unwell; no need to do it and let him sort it out

Original poster
InHazelnut · 22/10/2022 06:53

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2022 06:40

Sure, they deserve to be loved- I wouldn’t personally love someone who couldn’t take care of me when I was sick without deciding they were sick too - it sounds at best pathetic as I said, at worst actively manipulative behaviour so that you keep doing all your things so he doesn’t have to step up. I hope you’re never seriously unwell because you know you can’t depend on your husband to look after you.

I’ve already said upthread that at times of very serious illness/disability/crisis (surgery, birth etc) he does step up and support me very well. It’s more the day to day minor illnesses.

@Tadpoll Yeah I can see the permission thing applying. It’s almost like he looks at me and his reaction is “oh we’re being ill today and not doing chores, great me too. Oh we’re having a stressful day and moping around. I’m too ill to cook too, shall we get a takeaway?”.

I do think it comes from the sibling jealousy dynamic for him. He sees the opportunity to have a sick/lazy day and he seizes it. I think he has no idea how bloody annoying it is.

OP posts:
Daisychainsx · 22/10/2022 07:16

My DH and I have a running joke that he has to out-ill me. His illnesses are genuine tho, I had a terrible cold a few years ago... just wanted to be looked after for a few days. The next day he was rushed into hospital for potentially life changing surgery. Since then it's been like that every time! I have a sickness bug, he is in hospital with an elbow infection. I have a sore foot, he almost slices his hand off in an accident at work. We both caught covid, his lasted about a week longer and was definitely worse. When I fell pregnant a few months ago and I was soooo sick for the first few months he was walking on eggshells in case he ended up worse 🤣

SeamsLegit · 22/10/2022 07:43

Hey babe, how are ya? Oh thank god, I'm not well and I was so afraid u were gonna say u weren't too!! I NEED Ur help, please do x, y and z. I'm away to bed. Appreciate it, I'm so glad I can rely on ur support, means a lot

ohisay · 22/10/2022 07:50

I'm married to one the same as lots of you. He does it to the point where the children don't even tell him when they're unwell now, so he can't 'out poorly' them.
Interestingly, as someone predicted further up, when I was really unwell and there was no way he could have it too, he left me to fend for myself. (Not that there's any support any other time either!)

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 22/10/2022 07:54

Player001 · 21/10/2022 21:29

This is very common and I wonder if it's their way of trying to share and understand with you? They think they are sympathising and being supportive but what they don't realise is that it makes things worse as you've now got something and someone else to look after.

Eh?

Who thinks sitting on the sofa doing nothing when their partner does everything is being supportive? Are you generally that naive?

caringcarer · 22/10/2022 07:55

I suffer from really bad back pain due to arthritis. Sometimes need wheelchair. Mobility poor all the time. Yesterday it was really bad. I mentioned it to DH. Later in afternoon he told me it must be catching because his back aches now too. I soon pointed out aching a bit is nothing like arthritis pain. He just looked a bit sheepish.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 22/10/2022 07:58

SeamsLegit · 22/10/2022 07:43

Hey babe, how are ya? Oh thank god, I'm not well and I was so afraid u were gonna say u weren't too!! I NEED Ur help, please do x, y and z. I'm away to bed. Appreciate it, I'm so glad I can rely on ur support, means a lot

Are you saying send a text?

If I sent a partner that they'd take me to hospital worried I'd had some kind of brain issue that made me forget how to spell 😂

At least I'd get a rest

SeamsLegit · 22/10/2022 08:03

I meant say it as soon as u see him. Lol oops, soz for being 'down wif the kids' 😂😂😂

legalseagull · 22/10/2022 08:04

It's competitiveness. He can't be outdone by you or 'lose' by having to do jobs when you're having a 'night off'

When I was in labour clinging on to a hospital bed my DH said "I've got a headache". I wanted to punch him.

Rainbowpurple · 22/10/2022 08:09

Honestly though, us women are so understanding. Do we really have to make a grown man to see he needs to do parenting when the other half is struggling? He is not there to 'help', it is his job and I will do that for anyone i care for let alone my partner. It is empathy.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 22/10/2022 08:12

Player001 · 21/10/2022 21:29

This is very common and I wonder if it's their way of trying to share and understand with you? They think they are sympathising and being supportive but what they don't realise is that it makes things worse as you've now got something and someone else to look after.

It really isn't this!

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 22/10/2022 08:14

5128gap · 21/10/2022 22:02

I think the psychology goes something like:
Person who usually does the domestic heavy lifting is indicating they may not be able to do it this evening.
Oh no! Panic! That means I'll have to do more than usual and I REALLY don't want to.
Hang on...I'm sure now I think about it I've got a headache coming on...
I must have what shes got!
I would have helped out because I am a good guy, but I'm obviously ill too, so I really can't.
But its not my fault.

This is exactly it.

realsavagelike · 22/10/2022 08:15

EarthSight · 21/10/2022 22:31

Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

Not but I've heard about it several times before. I even used to have a college who would do this by-proxy - whatever you had her husband had it twice as bad!

People do this because -

a) They regress into some kind of infant level competition with you. It's almost they think you are their sibling, there is competition for their parent's attention, and they will out-sick you in order to make sure their needs are served by whoever is the parental figure. A very small child might throw themselves on the floor or do a wingey-angry cry louder than their sibling, and now it's progressed to the adult version of this. I think this is pretty instinctual and I'm not sure if these people realise they're doing it.

b) They're attention-sucking naraccistic types. The spotlight must be on them at all times. They have a tendency to mope and feel sorry for themselves. They think they world is harsh to them. Their problem is always bigger than another person's problem. Again, it's about competition. They can't bear the idea of any slice of the sympathy pie going to you and will make sure they get the most of it. They don't understand teamwork, and they're not good carers or supportive partners because of this 1-2-3 back to me sort of attitude.

c) They're mean with their empathy, meant with their time, mean with their support. It's a type of stinginess and it's a deliberate tactic to make damn well sure they give you the least support that they can possibly get away with.

Yes to b) and c) with my narcissistic ex husband. What a waste of space.

Annoyed200722 · 22/10/2022 08:22

Yup! My DH had a day off work when I was at peak morning sickness, as he was convinced he was coming down with the 'same thing'. He also had the full compliment of covid symptoms the second I tested positive. They got a lot worse when he actually got it a week later, and he had to admit that he probably only had a cold while I had Covid 😆!

J0yxPeace · 22/10/2022 08:22

This isn't ''fantastic in every other way''.

It is fantastic when not challenged or asked to meet any of your needs. When you really need him and tell him you need him,he checks out.

isthismylifenow · 22/10/2022 08:22

We’ve definitely had a “but you’re just so GOOD at getting on with things! You are superwoman! You don’t let people know you’re struggling!” type conversation before. So maybe its partly my fault

OP, I think you need to nip this in the bud. It doesn't seem a huge deal right now as this falls into the 10% of not so great stuff, while from what you say the good stuff is 90% (obvs I dont know those figures but hear me out). At the moment this is an irritation. But as you go on, the more you do proving that you are superwoman, the less he will do as he knows you will have it covered.

I'm no longer married and these things started about what I thought were small things, and I brushed them under the carpet. He too was a competitive complainer, his favourite was to be needing a nap whenever I wanted to (rarely), or if I ever asked him to do something. Of course if it was something that couldn't really wait he absolutely knew I would just do it anyway.

The superwoman comment hit a nerve with me as he said it all the time. I did pull him up on it a few times, things changed for a few weeks and then went back to how it always was. If I was ill, he was more ill. If I was tired, he was exhausted. If I had a sore toe, he has a sore whole bloody leg. So then I just didn't even say anything as whatever the issue was, his would be 100 times worse.

It's one of those things that wears you down slowly but surely.

Don't brush this away. Don't even make silly little passing comments.

Sit down and talk this out properly, as you do not want to get to the point of not communicating how you are feeling/what's bothering you etc etc as this will cause the beginning of the end.

Vikrum · 22/10/2022 08:26

Yes, very much so.

In fact, the only times he hasn't even suggested this is when I've just had babies and when I had pneumonia. If I have a migraine, a stomach bug, a sore throat, a bad cold, exhaustion etc, around 70% of the time he will also have it and you'd best believe he has worse himself -with the affected croaky ill voice to match.

I genuinely think it's fear that he will be expected to be the primary caregiver while I'm out of commission, which is ridiculous, because he can step up and do it very well indeed.

00100001 · 22/10/2022 08:29

Player001 · 21/10/2022 21:29

This is very common and I wonder if it's their way of trying to share and understand with you? They think they are sympathising and being supportive but what they don't realise is that it makes things worse as you've now got something and someone else to look after.

😂😂😂

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