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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH always magically ill when I am ill

137 replies

InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 21:17

Does anyone else have a DH who does this?

Actually you can replace “ill” with just “struggling in any way”. Yesterday it was stress - rushed off my feet at work, arduous commute, terrible evening with the kids crying and waking me. I told him I felt at breaking point as I just didn’t get to relax. He was sympathetic. But suddenly he has a “cold coming on” and feels dreadful, thus needed to sit on his phone all evening while I do everything, kids dinner bath bed etc. Not a drop of snot or a sneeze to be seen.

I’m actually rarely physically ill, but I can’t think of a single time I’ve been ill without him also being ill at the same time. What’s the psychology behind it? I’m sat here this evening wondering if I should have kept my stress level secret because then he probably wouldn’t have discovered his own illness and I may have incidentally got more help. I’m sure that’s mean of me to think.

He is fantastic in other ways so no LTB please. Just want reassurances I’m not the only one to experience this! Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 21:55

Because if you get a night off, so does he.

This does ring quite true. Actually he also does a thing where if I buy myself something, he always does too. Say I desperately need more jeans because mine have holes in. I’ll shop around for a bargain then order some. He will then immediately buy himself some new clothes too. Almost like “if you get something then I do too.”

It used to annoy me greatly in our younger and poorer years because I knew I couldn’t buy any small treat for myself without him then adding to the cost with his own order.

It’s a weird psychological thing. He and his siblings are all very competitive so maybe it’s from that.

OP posts:
Fuckallthetories · 21/10/2022 21:56

I KNOW!

I have flu.
And now he has a very bad migraine apparently [hmmm]

this happened with period pains to…..
me: darling can you get me a hot water bottle for my period pains

him: oh Melissa I can’t do that.
me: why?
him: well sweetheart, you see I have period pains to
me: what’s the content of your underwear?
him: a tube and two tomatoes

me: exactly. And you are the father to our daughter.
him: well…..
me: so get me a fucking hot water bottle

Grin

my name is not melissa

Thepossibility · 21/10/2022 22:01

Before Christmas I broke my foot. On Christmas Day DH managed to injure his leg playing backyard cricket so I had to hobble around doing everything for the kids because he was also injured now.

5128gap · 21/10/2022 22:02

I think the psychology goes something like:
Person who usually does the domestic heavy lifting is indicating they may not be able to do it this evening.
Oh no! Panic! That means I'll have to do more than usual and I REALLY don't want to.
Hang on...I'm sure now I think about it I've got a headache coming on...
I must have what shes got!
I would have helped out because I am a good guy, but I'm obviously ill too, so I really can't.
But its not my fault.

Pumpkinspicey · 21/10/2022 22:02

You need to feign or exaggerate illness some time soon and go to bed for a few days... covid, flu, whatever. But kist become physically unable to function.

I do the odd couple of days myself from time to time.

Thepossibility · 21/10/2022 22:05

And yesterday my mum and I were laughing about the time we went on holidays and I became unwell. Mum and brother “caught" it off me and were more seriously unwell. It turned out I was pregnant Grin

Rainbowpurple · 21/10/2022 22:09

Because he views any work you do at home is yours, and him 'chipping in'.

How is he fantastic? He doesn't step up as an equal partner and parent.

He 'helps' but backs away with his phone when you need him the most.

user267451 · 21/10/2022 22:12

Yes mine does this. But it only started a year ago. I had a very difficult pregnancy followed by a traumatic birth where he was told I might not make it, a spell in ICU then many months of recovery.

He has given me a lot of emotional support but I think when I am ill it triggers some of that stress in him and makes him feel anxious & unwell. (Toddler also gets very upset/tantrumy) if he thinks I am poorly, so I try to hide it if I can.
Someone please say it will get better with time because it is pretty annoying!

WhatsitWiggle · 21/10/2022 22:13

Yes. He's now an ex husband. Not because of this, but it added to a pattern of behaviour that showed he didn't care.

The worst one was when I said I had a really bad stomach ache. Oh, says he, me too, been awful all day, wonder what it could be. I shot him a look and replied, mine's because I've got my period. He looked suitably embarrassed. Didn't stop him though.

frozendaisy · 21/10/2022 22:15

As you say OP he's fantastic in other ways.

So give and take in all relationships.

Summeryjustice · 21/10/2022 22:15

I think there is a dynamic in a lot of relationships where a weak sensitive partner unconsciously seeks out a coper. The coper will occasionally crack up through stress/genuinely be ill and the sensitive one will try to get them back into coping mode by being ill themselves. The weaker partner really struggles with having to be the supportive one so will do anything to get their partner to be strong again.

Original poster
InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 22:16

Rainbowpurple · 21/10/2022 22:09

Because he views any work you do at home is yours, and him 'chipping in'.

How is he fantastic? He doesn't step up as an equal partner and parent.

He 'helps' but backs away with his phone when you need him the most.

He does a basically equal share of everything the rest of the time, believe it or not. Plus, yknow, I love him, he’s my best friend and partner in life, etc. We all have our quirks.

OP posts:
Itstarts · 21/10/2022 22:16

LubaLuca · 21/10/2022 21:24

Yes. Remarkably, my husband once got period pain.

I agree that it's a shirking technique - if she's not going to be doing anything I'm not going to either.

I've got one of those DHs too! Pregnancy was awful for him...until I reminded him why I was feeling sick/achy/tired. Then all his "symptoms" would magically disappear!

Original poster
InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 22:18

Summeryjustice · 21/10/2022 22:15

I think there is a dynamic in a lot of relationships where a weak sensitive partner unconsciously seeks out a coper. The coper will occasionally crack up through stress/genuinely be ill and the sensitive one will try to get them back into coping mode by being ill themselves. The weaker partner really struggles with having to be the supportive one so will do anything to get their partner to be strong again.

This definitely strikes a chord with me. Well put.

fwiw I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a weaker/more sensitive person. But yeah this dynamic does ring true.

OP posts:
Hariborrrrr · 21/10/2022 22:20

RandomMess · 21/10/2022 21:44

Next time you feel unless/hugely stressed just state you have to go bed "right now" and depart before he can make any bollocks up.

Absolutely this!
I did exactly this, it works

Dahlia444 · 21/10/2022 22:22

Yes my DH too unfortunately. His coping level with life is a bit low - easily gets overwhelmed by 'life' so when I am ill he struggles to cope, gets snappy with kids etc and then starts 'fighting the bug off' too. I've found it trying over the years tbh, and fear a bit for our future if I'm properly ill, needing caring etc. He more than pulls his weight when I'm well and does a huge amount round the house and with the kids, so it's not a confidence or shirking thing as such, he just really struggles to carry the whole mental load.

Wildeheart · 21/10/2022 22:25

InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 22:16

He does a basically equal share of everything the rest of the time, believe it or not. Plus, yknow, I love him, he’s my best friend and partner in life, etc. We all have our quirks.

Show quote history

I’m so intrigued by your response - how can you love someone like this? I have a friend with a degenerative disease and while she’s always there for her husband as “the strong one” in the relationship, he is never there for her. Every time she has a bad spell he is mysteriously ill or is suddenly super busy with work and does nothing to support her. They have talked about it loads and he genuinely doesn’t realise he does it, apologies and promises to do better next time (but never does). He is perfect in every other way but she is seriously considering leaving him because she knows that if she ever gets worse the heartbreak that she will feel at his failure to step up will make things so much worse and I really don’t blame her.

Original poster
InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 22:29

@Wildeheart Well at times I have been very seriously in need of support (for example labour/after birth, surgery or serious mental health crisis) he is my rock. He does step up in those situations. Unlike your poor friends husband by the sounds of it.

It’s the more minor day-to-day examples where the phenomenon occurs. Like colds, stress etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
InHazelnut · 21/10/2022 22:31

Dahlia444 · 21/10/2022 22:22

Yes my DH too unfortunately. His coping level with life is a bit low - easily gets overwhelmed by 'life' so when I am ill he struggles to cope, gets snappy with kids etc and then starts 'fighting the bug off' too. I've found it trying over the years tbh, and fear a bit for our future if I'm properly ill, needing caring etc. He more than pulls his weight when I'm well and does a huge amount round the house and with the kids, so it's not a confidence or shirking thing as such, he just really struggles to carry the whole mental load.

Wow I was nodding along to every word of this. This exactly describes my DH too.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 21/10/2022 22:31

Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

Not but I've heard about it several times before. I even used to have a college who would do this by-proxy - whatever you had her husband had it twice as bad!

People do this because -

a) They regress into some kind of infant level competition with you. It's almost they think you are their sibling, there is competition for their parent's attention, and they will out-sick you in order to make sure their needs are served by whoever is the parental figure. A very small child might throw themselves on the floor or do a wingey-angry cry louder than their sibling, and now it's progressed to the adult version of this. I think this is pretty instinctual and I'm not sure if these people realise they're doing it.

b) They're attention-sucking naraccistic types. The spotlight must be on them at all times. They have a tendency to mope and feel sorry for themselves. They think they world is harsh to them. Their problem is always bigger than another person's problem. Again, it's about competition. They can't bear the idea of any slice of the sympathy pie going to you and will make sure they get the most of it. They don't understand teamwork, and they're not good carers or supportive partners because of this 1-2-3 back to me sort of attitude.

c) They're mean with their empathy, meant with their time, mean with their support. It's a type of stinginess and it's a deliberate tactic to make damn well sure they give you the least support that they can possibly get away with.

marvellousmaple · 21/10/2022 22:32

I have the opposite with my DH , if I cough or say I don't feel great, he shoos me off to bed and brings me tea and painkillers. Makes dinner, sorts child. Sounds great ,but , I think he does it so he can spend the rest of the time sitting around playing computer games without me hanging around telling him to get up and do something useful. 😆

Yumchips · 21/10/2022 22:34

Place marking!

Pumpkintopf · 21/10/2022 22:37

God the level of excuses some of you are making for these lazy arsed men on this thread - let's psychoanalyse why they are like this , could it be bringing out their hidden trauma - no.

No, they are just being lazy arseholes who don't think they should have to 'cover for you'.

onlyconnect · 21/10/2022 22:37

I haven't read the whole thread so someone else might have said this already, but advice that I read on here once is, before you say anything, ask your DH , "How are you feeling today?"
Wait till that say they're OK (hopefully), and then tell them what's wrong with you.

damnyourdogs · 21/10/2022 22:39

@LubaLuca I'm menopausal ...my partner tried to say he was having hot flushes, too.

He needed his new arsehole sewing up by the time I'd finished with him. I can't stand this shit from men.