DH always magically ill when I am ill

[InHazelnut]

Does anyone else have a DH who does this?

Actually you can replace “ill” with just “struggling in any way”. Yesterday it was stress - rushed off my feet at work, arduous commute, terrible evening with the kids crying and waking me. I told him I felt at breaking point as I just didn’t get to relax. He was sympathetic. But suddenly he has a “cold coming on” and feels dreadful, thus needed to sit on his phone all evening while I do everything, kids dinner bath bed etc. Not a drop of snot or a sneeze to be seen.

I’m actually rarely physically ill, but I can’t think of a single time I’ve been ill without him also being ill at the same time. What’s the psychology behind it? I’m sat here this evening wondering if I should have kept my stress level secret because then he probably wouldn’t have discovered his own illness and I may have incidentally got more help. I’m sure that’s mean of me to think.

He is fantastic in other ways so no LTB please. Just want reassurances I’m not the only one to experience this! Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

Mine is exactly the same (but without the video games lol). As a child I was always well looked after when I was ill and I wonder if perhaps my husband does this because, aside from being a good man, I have subconsciously conveyed this expectation to him.

We’ve definitely had a “but you’re just so GOOD at getting on with things! You are superwoman! You don’t let people know you’re struggling!” type conversation before. So maybe its partly my fault

It's not your fault. If I knew you as a couple and knew he did this, I would absolutely take the piss and shame him.

I'm glad he does equal tasks with you in other ways, because women are frequently coached into dong everything with 'but your so GOOD at doing all the life admin!' Also glad he supported you through pregnancy. That's a real test.

He and his siblings are all very competitive so maybe it’s from that

Bingo -
I see that my earlier comment probably applies to him then, but he needs to treat you like a wife he is on the same team on, not a sibling.

Why are you making excuses and light of this?

What do you think would happen if you were really, really ill?

Does he ever just get on with the house, and work and the children on his own? Could he?

My DH does this and it infuriates me. There seems to be a real fear behind it though, about not coping if something really bad were to happen to me.

He’s a perfectly competent person at all other times.

Generally a narcissist thing.

Is he fantastic? Is he really?
Because fantastic people don't tend to make your ĺife their competition.

Just say "I have (a cold, whatever) and I feel terrible, I am going to bed" and leave him to it?

Leave him to sort the shit out and take care of yourself. Don't give him the opportunity to one up you.

Sorry, your husband sounds like a selfish shit with no real care for you as a person. Surely when the person you love feels below par you want to love and nurture them? That is how my (30 year) marriage works - care and consideration. I know you don’t want LTB, but I can’t see a long term happy future with an uncaring man.

Yeah ex was like this I was exhausted I had been up most of the night all day he had slept in done fuck all I cleaned the house did the school run I was physically nodding off watching the children he took himself off for a nap 😑 I stayed awake did bedtime etc he then accused me of falling asleep instead of watching the children everywhere we went he would say oh you never guess what SHE DID she fell asleep everytime I said no he was like yes you did I KNOW you did I corrected him everytime but annoyingly people still believed him only one of his friends stuck up for me and said if she was so tired why didn't you help?

Twat

Hilarious. What a sad state

I’d love to know what other ways he is kind and supportive and fantastic. Because he sounds like a self absorbed lazy arse to me.

God, the bar is so low for men. Do you think men would have all these excuses & "but I love her" if this was the other way round. No, he's not unconsciously doing it he's just lazy. It's easy to think your DH is great when your well because everything gets done, it's when youre ill you're realising it's because you're the one doing everything.

This would drive me mad. My dh was convinced he was "next" when I got covid so somehow managed to make it about himself, but other than that he doesn't try to compete with my sickness!

When I've been sick he gets on with life, caring for the dc 100% and brings me what I need. As I do for him. Shirking responsibility would be deeply unattractive to me..

My husband can be a bit like this, but his family are very odd when it comes to health issues and I'm sure it stems from that. It is frustrating, but only reserved for top trumps over tough days/minor illness.

This is a really interesting theory. I have the same issues with my partner and don’t understand why he does it but it drives me nuts.

It’s not necessarily to get out of looking after the kids or not doing chores, I think it’s more a mental thing and maybe doesn’t want to be the supportive person ever!!

Yepp I've got one like this too. Suddenly behaves like he's pregnant when I'm pregnant.

My exDH was like this and it drove me insane. I could never take the day off and lie in bed without him "coming down with something" and lying next to me, sniffing and hacking ostentatiously. It got to a point where I would pretend to be fine, leave for work and then sneak back to the house once I knew he'd left.

Unsurprisingly I was the coper superstar in the relationship while had multiple major problems. I can only guess that seeing me unwell triggered a deep terror in him that I wouldn't be able to take care of him like always. God I'm glad I left him. Sorry OP not much constructive advice!

This was supposed to be in reply to @Summeryjustice opps!

loving this!

Id also sit him down before any of this and tell him what you’ve noticed, that you aren’t going to put up with it anymore, and that if he wants ANY help next time he is sick then he needs to stick with the program.

Don’t take this crap. When you need help and care you don’t need the extra stress of having to beg for it as well. Screw that.

you say he’s great in other ways, so no ltb but this would be a deal breaker for me, that’s really disrespectful and actually really selfish behaviour. He knows you’re struggling and knows you’ll end up doing it so decided to sit back and let you. What kind of partnership is that. Awful behaviour but then you can’t complain if you end up doing it all. Show him you won’t be doing it so he’s forced to get on with it and not pull a stunt like this again. I don’t find this sort of behaviour funny because I’ve seen how damaging it is to women’s health in the long run and it just wouldn’t happen in our house.

There is nothing 'fantastic' about a husband who actively doesnt want to look after you when youre unwell, and is selfish and unkind to the point he leaves you to do everything even though he knows you're not feeling good. You are supposed to be a team in life.

It's not about him being good 'in other ways' or getting 'points' for being loving. Love manifests in many ways - but no instinct to comfort your partner when she's unwell, is not one.

He sounds tiresome but if you're able to put up with his cop-out behaviour so that he can get out of doing stuff then please, at least see him for what he is and call him out on it. Otherwise going into elder years with him will be shit, any health issues will worsen x 100 with the lack of care and empathy from him.

Unless you are visibly ill ask him how he is before mentioning any illness on your part. When he says fine, say great, I have a headache so I’m going to take a painkiller and lie down while you make dinner.
If he says he’s coming down with something say ‘unfortunately mine is already full-blown so you’ll need to do dinner today.’

I had a coworker like this. We were on a joint project. I was pregnant and high risk, and if I had to take a rare day off for an illness (I was getting chronic kidney infections), he would unfailingly take off the next one for a vague 'illness.'

He then booked the last two weeks before my mat leave as holiday, after repeatedly referring to mat leave as a 'holiday' and indicating he was v unhappy about it.

DD ended up arriving exactly two weeks early 😂

Next time he tries it sit him down and say “ok, sounds like we are both feeling shit but x, y and z still need to be done so how are we going to share out the load. I can’t/won’t do it all while you do bugger all so we need to work together, then we can both rest”. Call him out on it every time.

Guys like this are the type who'd ditch you if you ended up with a serious illness.

What is there to love about someone who can’t cope with life or mental load or look after you when you’re sick? He sounds pathetic