DH always magically ill when I am ill

[InHazelnut]

Does anyone else have a DH who does this?

Actually you can replace “ill” with just “struggling in any way”. Yesterday it was stress - rushed off my feet at work, arduous commute, terrible evening with the kids crying and waking me. I told him I felt at breaking point as I just didn’t get to relax. He was sympathetic. But suddenly he has a “cold coming on” and feels dreadful, thus needed to sit on his phone all evening while I do everything, kids dinner bath bed etc. Not a drop of snot or a sneeze to be seen.

I’m actually rarely physically ill, but I can’t think of a single time I’ve been ill without him also being ill at the same time. What’s the psychology behind it? I’m sat here this evening wondering if I should have kept my stress level secret because then he probably wouldn’t have discovered his own illness and I may have incidentally got more help. I’m sure that’s mean of me to think.

He is fantastic in other ways so no LTB please. Just want reassurances I’m not the only one to experience this! Does anyone else have a “you’ve got a migraine? Well I’ve got two migraines” partner?

My dh does this too. I genuinely believe he is experiencing the symptoms so it must be psychosomatic. It's strange but infuriating. He can manage for about 24 hours before he has to go to bed and I am left struggling. If I say anything it's "no-one is forcing you to make dinner, put a load on, wash up, pick dd up, walk dog (oh she can do without it) etc" which is his way of ditching responsibilities. But is I don't do those things who is??

There's no way I can keep quiet if men do this shit. I'd be bringing it up each and every time I mention being ill. It would be 'reet your turn, what is it this time '.

Stop letting him chill when you're unwell though OP. He doesn't get to sit on his arse.

Mine also! No one has ever had it as bad as my Mum.....the kind part of me thinks she does it to show some sort of sympathy/empathy, a clumsy way of saying 'oh yes I know exactly what you mean' type of approach. The cynical part of me just thinks she likes all conversations to revolve around her.

That said, when I'm really struggling and unwell, she's very helpful. But she definitely does this day to day.

My exhusband was like this, but unlike your husband OP he didn't pull his weight the majority of the time either.

My current partner sends me off for a nap if I so much as yawn in the afternoon, and will play with my son to keep him occupied and stop him from waking me.

This thread is a great example of “there’s someone for everyone”. I genuinely could not feel attracted to a partner who behaved like this - in my eyes it’s selfish, lazy and shows me the person can’t be relied upon - but I can also see that lots of you have partners like this and are happy in the relationship save for what seems to mild annoyance. On the flip side, maybe my husband sees me as someone who lacks tolerance but still loves me!

My mum does this. She’s not a well women anyway, but if the kids get even a runny nose and she’s recently seen them, she’s automatically “ill” for a week.

I also think that, particularly after a certain age, with a busy life, most of us are able to find an ailment of some sort at any given time if we look for it. The achey back, the low level headache, the general fatigue after a long day.
For the right incentive, or even for business as usual, its generally ignored. But when it comes to the extra demands arising from an unwell partner, and the introduction of illness to the agenda, it suddenly becomes a thing of note. Probably coupled with an attitude of 'well if she's giving in to it, why should I struggle on?'

@InHazelnut

But I’d never do that, of course.

Why not though?

When you said you were stressed out and his response was to park himself on the couch, why was your response to let him and do everything yourself?

Rather than telling him to get the fuck up and stop being a dick head?

Why tolerate and enable this behaviour?

This is awful, why would you stay with anyone like this!?

Competitive illness
Learned helplessness
Psychosomatic/inception
Subconscious resentment
Inability to step up/adulting/refusal to take the reins when it comes to parity of housework and childcare.
You are living with a manchild in other words.

Agree with this, why are people allowing it one way but not the other? That's only 'the way it is' if both people accept it.

'He sees the opportunity to have a sick/lazy day and he seizes it. I think he has no idea how bloody annoying it is.'

Then perhaps you should tell him OP.

Or stop defending him on here when you say it's really not an issue and keep making excuses for him being a lazy arse.

Yes. I get this.

I honestly think it's a ruse to avoid having to pick up the slack or do what I usually do. As I do the majority.

Proper winds me up, as like you I am rarely Ill, and always pick up any slack when they are. But if I'm stressed/ill/headache he always has to have something similar.

My ex did this it was a way of checking out of any responsibility and getting attention and it was so annoying. I had a heart attack and was waiting to go down to theatre for treatment to save my life when he announced in front of the hospital staff "l've got really bad indigestion because of this" and was totally serious.

Unfortunately my daughter is exactly the same, we both had Covid but apparently I was fine and she was really poorly. One of us ended up in hospital on oxygen and it wasn't her 🙄

I’m not defending any of this, but I’m wondering why so many men are like this.

Could it be something about the way boys are conditioned by society not to expect the same level of physical affection as girls? In other words, they don’t feel loved, therefore when someone else has an opportunity to get love and attention and be cared for they want some of that too?

It’s just a theory (and not putting the cause at mother’s feet at all - I just wonder whether we forget as a society that boys need looking after too)

Opposite and cynical theory: when these men were ill in childhood their mothers ran around after them and gave them loads of attention/affection. In adulthood, they see their DP is ill, know the routine and think fuck that cba. Then feign illness to "force" the woman into the caring role and the status quo is restored

Mine does this too.

Every time I try and have a lie in or rest because I’m doing bloody everything his back goes. Or his stomachs funny. Or something else. It’s infuriating.

it means he can’t possibly do anything around the house because he’s so dreadfully poorly.

im stressed out to hell at the moment. Work is busy. I’m studying. I’m dealing with all the “life admin” the kids etc. I just want a rest. But no. Everytime I try he needs to rest because woe is him.

@ememem84 time to enforce shared 50:50 rests/lie in etc.

If he's ill on his 50% then either he swaps or carries on ill. If he then makes out he can't every do any of it I was serious looking at splitting up.

I knew someone like this who always made a fuss and exaggerated ailments. A cold was flu, stubbed toe was broken until he complained once too often about a bad stomach. His partner as the end of her tether ignored him. It was appendicitis.

I think @ChaosDemon is right.

Luckily I don't have one of these OHs. Sadly due to health anxiety I have a OH who is sick of my shit and therefore doesn't believe anything I say around health and therefore has only actually stepped up to help during illness when I've been hospitalised (as obvs then the medics have sanctioned it as a real illness).

I have one like that. It's changed recently though as I've been ill for a while (nothing too serious). He's a good egg and doesn't use it as an excuse to do nothing but it can be annoying.

I did yesterday. We took the kids out and then when we got back I went back to bed for a nap.

his morning jve been up since 6 with the cat who demanded breakfast then buggered off outside. DH has work. I’m off with the kids as it’s half term. He came to bed at 4am. Woke me up etc.

part of me wonders whether he did that so he could be more tired.

but whatever. Not my problem. He’s the one who’s got to work today. Me and the kids are having a chill morning then going to the zoo. No brain taxing today.

This has been the most eye opening thread I have ever encountered on MN.

I swear Men are doing some magic out here sucessfully selling women on the idea that marriage is a prize.

If this is what you guys are dealing with, Lord Jesus. Couldn't be me.

Well as long as your happy @InHazelnut He sounds remarkably unattractive to me.

I think it’s this.

He isn’t a coper, panics at the thought of having to and so tries to quickly get back into the “looked after” role.

Personally, I would find that deeply unattractive and would lose all respect, but luckily people have different things they like in a partner.