Hello, wonderful and brave people,
I discovered the following essay on Reddit on the shadowy side effects of "grey-rocking" narcissist family members and it rang so true for me, I thought I would share. The author describes how grey-rocking was never meant to be a long term solution but a short term method to keep us safe until we can escape an abusive relationship. If we keep this up long term, we can disassociate from our own emotions and even make ourselves physically ill, as I discovered very recently myself!
Here's the essay, written by someone known as "KorianderSalamander" on Reddit:
I'm going to be absolutely honest here, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be anything anyone wants to hear. But it is the truth, so I apologize in advance for any alarm, offense, or upset it might cause.
Grey rocking is absolutely effective, but the thing I think a lot of us overlook or forget is that as a strategy, it's not actually meant for dealing with someone on as intimate a basis as parents, spouse, close friends, etc; it's meant for managing short-term, socially unavoidable, and largely superficial interactions with narcissists 'in the wild', as it were, or for keeping your head down long enough to get away from whatever dangerously abusive situation you're in: until you can get a/another job, or move out, or the divorce or the restraining order goes through, or...
Well. Until you can escape, in other words.
Because here's the thing: human beings are social animals. Bottom line. We simply are not designed or equipped for chronic shutdown of all emotional response or engagement, and on top of this, the constant vigilance grey rock requires, while easy enough to do with practice for an hour or a day, is beyond exhausting to maintain long-term. It's draining in the extreme, and as you have noticed, can lead to unpleasant side effects. You begin to dissociate from your own emotions, because you have effectively placed yourself in a kind of protective bubble, where abuse can't reach you - but neither can any genuine connection. It feels exhausting, empty, hollow, unhealthy, inauthentic, stifling, and emotionally unsatisfying because it is. That's why it works short-term: because functionally speaking, it is meant to starve a parasite.
Unfortunately, it's also starving you, too.
There is no strategic solution for preserving your health and sanity with a narc long-term. It simply is not realistically possible. It's like diving off a ship at sea and then expecting to be able to tread water forever. No matter how strong a swimmer you are, physics always wins: you either make it to shore or you drown.
With a narc, this means either going NC or accepting a life which revolves, in some sense, around the narcissist, because they will never change and you do not have an infinite supply of energy or empathy. So you will always, inevitably, be accruing damage, even if this is in small increments over a long period of time. Because however much you try to limit the blast radius, you are still being exposed to their toxicity. And continuing to engage with them at all ensures that there will always be a next time, when no matter how prepped you are for it, you're going to get another dose of their fallout.
That's it. That's all. And this one simple, brutal, unyielding truth about dealing with toxic people is one of the most difficult things to accept. It's why so many people struggle for years - decades - entire lifetimes - with the horrible decision forced upon us, in which we are obligated to choose between them and us; between staying put and swallowing poison, or walking away to save ourselves.
It sucks. It's depressing, and infuriating, and painful in the extreme. It causes vast amounts of guilt, uncertainty, fear, doubt, anger... you know the drill. I'm preaching to the choir here. There's a reason it's such a fraught decision no one ever makes lightly or without immense suffering.
But I honestly believe it's also the only decision that's ever going to let us heal from the damage they've caused.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair, it's not right, it's not normal, it's not okay - and it's not your fault. Neither is it your responsibility to manage (no matter what I'm sure the toxic person has been telling you for years.) If you're not in therapy right now, please strongly consider it; it can help you make sense of what you're dealing with and give you more perspective on the situation. At the end of the day, whatever you do, the decision is yours and yours alone, and your reasons for it are yours alone as well - no one knows your situation better than you do, and no one has to live your life but you.
Be well. Please take care of yourself. You are worth it.