November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

@Whyisitsososohard so sorry you are going through that, I would be very angry at that for this! I wondered if you'd allowed yourself to feel anger for them and how much they have inconvenienced you both logistically and financially?

I read back a bit and to me, your parents sound v v neglectful. I think to summarise all of our experiences here; our parents or one of our parents was probably not someone who was suitable for child rearing. This is because it requires you to be selfless and put your child first, always, no matter what happens and this includes making sure you have a network around to support if you suffer from ill physical or mental health.

You sound lovely and all I would say is, feel the anger and don't bottle it up. You don't have to be polite about how you feel.

I feel you're at a juncture here and it's an opportunity to really reduce contact and put some boundaries in space. One of those could be to never spend the night with them again, in their house or yours. Suggest some space for now. The reality is they are never going to understand your point of view, put themselves in your shoes, they are emotionally immature. And likely narcissists.

I have come to the conclusion both my parents were as well, I am 40 and i've only just realised. I always knew something wasn't right.

Update from my side - one of my parents and their partner wanted to come stay because they had an event to locally. They wanted to come mid week, me and partner both work from home (him full time and long hours, me part time), we have a young child and a dog, various commitments during the day for ourselves and baby, a nanny when we're both working etc, walk dog, meals etc etc - just a very busy house during the week. We do have a spare room (well two but one has a single bed) but that houses a desk as well as does the other spare room, we're in there from early doors working. Said parent demanded to come stay, see grand child, wanted to come in the afternoon, stay over (I go to bed early and do not drink anymore, they are quite big drinkers) and then stay until midday next day. It just wasn't going to work and said they'd need to get a hotel. So I said it wasn't convenient because of all these reasons, and could they were welcome to come for lunch on either day before or day after, and get a hotel. Met with disapproval and suggestions I could not be bothered and various guilt tripping. When I suggested alternatives / solutions, they pushed their original request and then said they were just going to leave it.
The immaturity and lack of grace is staggering!

@Whyisitsososohard so sorry you are going through that, I would be very angry at that for this! I wondered if you'd allowed yourself to feel anger for them and how much they have inconvenienced you both logistically and financially?

I read back a bit and to me, your parents sound v v neglectful. I think to summarise all of our experiences here; our parents or one of our parents was probably not someone who was suitable for child rearing. This is because it requires you to be selfless and put your child first, always, no matter what happens and this includes making sure you have a network around to support if you suffer from ill physical or mental health.

You sound lovely and all I would say is, feel the anger and don't bottle it up. You don't have to be polite about how you feel.

I feel you're at a juncture here and it's an opportunity to really reduce contact and put some boundaries in space. One of those could be to never spend the night with them again, in their house or yours. Suggest some space for now. The reality is they are never going to understand your point of view, put themselves in your shoes, they are emotionally immature. And likely narcissists.

I have come to the conclusion both my parents were as well, I am 40 and i've only just realised. I always knew something wasn't right.

Update from my side - one of my parents and their partner wanted to come stay because they had an event to locally. They wanted to come mid week, me and partner both work from home (him full time and long hours, me part time), we have a young child and a dog, various commitments during the day for ourselves and baby, a nanny when we're both working etc, walk dog, meals etc etc - just a very busy house during the week. We do have a spare room (well two but one has a single bed) but that houses a desk as well as does the other spare room, we're in there from early doors working. Said parent demanded to come stay, see grand child, wanted to come in the afternoon, stay over (I go to bed early and do not drink anymore, they are quite big drinkers) and then stay until midday next day. It just wasn't going to work and said they'd need to get a hotel. So I said it wasn't convenient because of all these reasons, and could they were welcome to come for lunch on either day before or day after, and get a hotel. Met with disapproval and suggestions I could not be bothered and various guilt tripping. When I suggested alternatives / solutions, they pushed their original request and then said they were just going to leave it.
The immaturity and lack of grace is staggering!

@Whyisitsososohard so sorry you are going through that, I would be very angry at that for this! I wondered if you'd allowed yourself to feel anger for them and how much they have inconvenienced you both logistically and financially?

I read back a bit and to me, your parents sound v v neglectful. I think to summarise all of our experiences here; our parents or one of our parents was probably not someone who was suitable for child rearing. This is because it requires you to be selfless and put your child first, always, no matter what happens and this includes making sure you have a network around to support if you suffer from ill physical or mental health.

You sound lovely and all I would say is, feel the anger and don't bottle it up. You don't have to be polite about how you feel.

I feel you're at a juncture here and it's an opportunity to really reduce contact and put some boundaries in space. One of those could be to never spend the night with them again, in their house or yours. Suggest some space for now. The reality is they are never going to understand your point of view, put themselves in your shoes, they are emotionally immature. And likely narcissists.

I have come to the conclusion both my parents were as well, I am 40 and i've only just realised. I always knew something wasn't right.

Update from my side - one of my parents and their partner wanted to come stay because they had an event to locally. They wanted to come mid week, me and partner both work from home (him full time and long hours, me part time), we have a young child and a dog, various commitments during the day for ourselves and baby, a nanny when we're both working etc, walk dog, meals etc etc - just a very busy house during the week. We do have a spare room (well two but one has a single bed) but that houses a desk as well as does the other spare room, we're in there from early doors working. Said parent demanded to come stay, see grand child, wanted to come in the afternoon, stay over (I go to bed early and do not drink anymore, they are quite big drinkers) and then stay until midday next day. It just wasn't going to work and said they'd need to get a hotel. So I said it wasn't convenient because of all these reasons, and could they were welcome to come for lunch on either day before or day after, and get a hotel. Met with disapproval and suggestions I could not be bothered and various guilt tripping. When I suggested alternatives / solutions, they pushed their original request and then said they were just going to leave it.
The immaturity and lack of grace is staggering!

@Whyisitsososohard so sorry you are going through that, I would be very angry at that for this! I wondered if you'd allowed yourself to feel anger for them and how much they have inconvenienced you both logistically and financially?

I read back a bit and to me, your parents sound v v neglectful. I think to summarise all of our experiences here; our parents or one of our parents was probably not someone who was suitable for child rearing. This is because it requires you to be selfless and put your child first, always, no matter what happens and this includes making sure you have a network around to support if you suffer from ill physical or mental health.

You sound lovely and all I would say is, feel the anger and don't bottle it up. You don't have to be polite about how you feel.

I feel you're at a juncture here and it's an opportunity to really reduce contact and put some boundaries in space. One of those could be to never spend the night with them again, in their house or yours. Suggest some space for now. The reality is they are never going to understand your point of view, put themselves in your shoes, they are emotionally immature. And likely narcissists.

I have come to the conclusion both my parents were as well, I am 40 and i've only just realised. I always knew something wasn't right.

Update from my side - one of my parents and their partner wanted to come stay because they had an event to locally. They wanted to come mid week, me and partner both work from home (him full time and long hours, me part time), we have a young child and a dog, various commitments during the day for ourselves and baby, a nanny when we're both working etc, walk dog, meals etc etc - just a very busy house during the week. We do have a spare room (well two but one has a single bed) but that houses a desk as well as does the other spare room, we're in there from early doors working. Said parent demanded to come stay, see grand child, wanted to come in the afternoon, stay over (I go to bed early and do not drink anymore, they are quite big drinkers) and then stay until midday next day. It just wasn't going to work and said they'd need to get a hotel. So I said it wasn't convenient because of all these reasons, and could they were welcome to come for lunch on either day before or day after, and get a hotel. Met with disapproval and suggestions I could not be bothered and various guilt tripping. When I suggested alternatives / solutions, they pushed their original request and then said they were just going to leave it.
The immaturity and lack of grace is staggering!

Soz for multiple posts! Not sure what happened there

Despite the time, I've spent the last few hours reading through the thread and blocked my father on my phone!

He's a narcissist and alcoholic.

He's 76 years old and lives alone. He didn't speak to me for 15 years after DH and I challenged him on his aggressive behaviour to DH at a family event. He was perfectly happy to never speak to me again despite at the time DD being a baby. Roll on 15 years and one day I get a call from Dbro who was LC with him to say his wife had left him and he had a stroke.

In the 3 years since then I've seen him on a few occasions. DH wants snothign to do with him and has said he's not to cross our threshold. The teen DCs have been told if they want to meet him they can, but we have not encouraged it. He shows little interest anyway and never asks after them.

I last saw him with Dbro just before Christmas 21 when he threatened to hit my Dbro for offering him a hand up some stairs!!

This Christmas he tried to guilt trip me into having him with lots of whining about being alone. He has no sense of boundaries and in his head he thinks I should have him for Christmas even though he has never met my DCs and my husband hasn't spoken to him for 18 years ! Needless to say we didn't have him.

However, I always feel a sense of FOG at Christmas. So, decided the answer may lie in getting him to move from his secluded property to a warden controlled flat. He was receptive to this , but then pushed it and suggested that we build him a 'Dad annexe' in our garden! It's just tipped me over the edge. The blatant, thick skinned selfishness of the man. He always has an agenda and will push your boundary to what he wants. I told him in no uncertain terms that I will not be caring for him in his old age. The added insult is that he won't ask Dbro as he's a man. On top of being a narc alcoholic, he'd also a chauvinist. I frequently tells me women can't have it 'both ways' by wearing short skirts and then complaining if men look. Or, that women 'wanted it all' when trying to pinpoint a number of social issues at their feet. Hence why I've never wanted him near DD in particular.

It's also worth adding of course that he wasn't a great father when I was a child either . Parents divorced when I was 4 due to his affair and DV. My DM had a breakdown and ended up in a mental hospital and he got custody of us. By then married to the woman he had the affair with. That ended when I was 6 after he beat her up and he was arrested. We returned to my mum who was homeless and ended up in B&Bs for 2 years, before moving into a council flat. He married for the third time when I was 12 to someone who resented us as she couldn't have children. We saw him once a fortnight until I was about 14 which to be fair was mostly okay. But by my teens we were spending alot of our time at a friend's close to where he lived, so saw little of him really. It was as we grew up that the relationship changed as he couldn't control us as he did as children. This was moreso with me as I'm the eldest and more forthright than my brother.

From then until I stopped contact in my late 20s just after DD was born, we saw each other once or twice a year. He would often try and belittle me with his spiteful wife. DH came on the scene when I was 20 and reminds me the first time I took him there it was Christmas and I took them presents. They had bought nothing for me, and he made an odd comment along the lines of 'leave the men to it' to usher me out of the front room so he could speak to DH alone. Basically , he wanted me to sit in the kitchen whilst he spoke to DH like I was a servant or lesser being . I remember feeling so embarrassed. As we were leaving he went to kick me , disguised as 'banter'. DH said from then he knew he was a nutter.

He ruined the lead up to my wedding when I was 25 , as at that point he had fallen out with Dbro. He tried to get me to uninvite Dbro to the wedding which I refused. The night before my wedding he called and said he couldn't guarantee there won't be a scene as if he 'lays eyes on Dbro, he will knock him out.' He's also a coward and just ended up sitting in the corner, but if course I didn't know that when he said it.

I remember so much violence when I was young. Fights in pubs, road rage incidents and him drink driving with us in the car.

Over the last 3 years we've had numerous phone calls from police where he's got drunk and fallen or got in a scrape. I live 2 hours away which has thankfully limited my involvement.

It's the 'Dad annexe' comment that tipped me over the edge. My repulsion to his suggestion that I would be wiping his arse for the next however many years. That's what bought me here and given me the kick to block him and go NC. Not even going to talk to Dbro about it unless he asks.

Sorry that was long but it's very therapeutic to remind myself of everything he's done.

The other thing he does is rewrite history. The reason his last marriage ended was because he got drunk and attacked her. She called the police who held him in a cell for 24 hours and he had an order preventing him from returning to the home. He wasn't allowed within a certain distance of her until they divorced a year later . This was decided by a Judge, so clearly serious. He denies all of this and says she set him up to get him out of the house. I never liked the woman, but glad to see she got more than half of the house and her pension.

He also denied ever hurting my mum , despite me remembering some incidents.

He once said to me 'always attack, attack, atrack'. No wonder he's got no friends.

I've also just remembered how he used to bully me for being overweight was I was a teenager. What a dick of a man.

@Lucylock I feel like narcissism and sexism in fathers seems to go hand in hand, my dad is also a massive misogynist. And racist

@winningeasy yjanks for your reply it's really insightful.

It is definitely an opportunity to review our relationship and put boundaries in place. I met my sister for a coffee today and we were talking about it. She said my mam had been really off with her when dropping something at her house. I also really feel like they are acting like I'm the one who has done something massively wrong. Yes I was angry in an argument after being told to fuck off. But the idea they seem to thing they're the wronged party is wild.

You sound like you're doing well with your boundaries. But people who want to run all over them never like it when boundaries are enforced. Seemingly this is especially true when it's the consequences o their own actions!

@Lucylock sorry you are going through this. It really doesn't sound like you are getting much from having a relationship with your dad. He sounds like he will always want more than you want to give. Especially as you are not willing to give much due to how he's treated you in the past. Do you feel obliged to have a relationship with him?

@Lucylock your dad sounds really volatile and self destructive. He has done some truly unforgivable things. You have done the right thing blocking him. He can only bring you stress and misery. Definitely keep your kids away from him x

Thank you. That was a mammoth post I did at 4am. I wanted to have something to read back when needed.

@Whyisitsososohard . Yes I do feel obliged to have a relationship with him as he has no friends and no family apart from Dbro and I. But DH I'd absolutely clear that he wants nothing to do with him, so it will always have been LC. But my dad pushes that all the time . I just can't do this ,'no man's land' of a relationship. Trying to pretend it's enough or ok when it isn't. I've told Dbro who was shocked and said his conscience stopped him from doing the same. I don't know what he means as he hasn't visited him for over a year.

@Lucylock - My unsolicited advice to you, and I am in no doubt about it after reading your posts. Cut him off immediately. You don't need to explain yourself or ever speak to him again. Block him from every mode of contact and never look back.

Take a deep breath and know that what you are doing is NOT SELFISH. It is the right thing to do.

This is about your self-preservation. It is about your own family unit. Your DH, your children, your self. You owe your deadbeat father nothing. His pitiful life is not your responsibility. Your only responsibility is to yourself, to live well, and be the best you can be.

I went NC with my family of origin some years ago without a word of explanation because it would have been totally pointless. Then I moved house and none of them know where I live.

The healing process is long, but it is totally worth it.

When you go NC, he will ramp up the awful behaviour, because this is what toxic people always do. That is why you need to block him everywhere and ignore any attempt he makes to get to you.

Remember this is not your fault. It's not your responsibility. Take strength from your DH who will no doubt support your decision.

@Lucylock totally get what you mean by being a 'no man's land' relationship with a parent. My mum had it with her mum and now I have it with mine. All I care about is making sure my children don't feel the same way about me.

Defo get rid and don't listen to your brother. Defo seek out some therapy if you have not already. And suggest same for your brother.

It's not easy but you have DH supporting you. He's had him sussed since day dot so hopefully that gives you additional confidence in your decision x

Thank you.

@Sicario . Yes it is self preservation,you're right. I'm sorry to hear you had to walk away from your own family.

I have gone a long period NC with him previously so I'm hoping it will become my 'normal' again.

It's great to have this thread as I find people don't understand. They hear the word 'dad' and imagine their relationship with a normal person. It was only when we had DCs and I saw the love between DH and them that I realised what I'd never had.

@winningeasy I have been thinking about couselling. I am 50 quite soon, which seems to have triggered something in me. I'm questioning lots of things about how I am and how I react in situations. I can track much of it back to my childhood and growing up with an aggressive father. It's been enlightening.

My brother has told me mum . She called me last night and regurgitated the whole conversation they'd had about it. She meant well as she was on side (she hates him) but it really angered me that they had this conversation about it.

My brother than called me (unheard of) and tried to engage in conversation about it. Fortunately his phone battery died. My brother has form for feeding information back to my dad so I am going to be closed about him.

@Lucylock - something that was absolutely essential for me was emotional detachment. Detaching from them emotionally, which takes some practice to prevent them taking up rent-free space in my head.

You might find it helpful to look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She has some excellent advice about toxic / narcissistic family dynamics.

Spend time learning about how these people operate and you will gain an understanding of how you find yourself in this awful FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Know that you are not alone! And don't enter into those conversations with your mum or brother. Just say, "I don't want to talk about him, thanks." and shut the conversation down. It's not your job to counsel them or explain. You might have to do this multiple times. If they refuse to listen and keep going on, perhaps say, "You're not listening to me so I'm ending this conversation now."

Remember - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And if anyone starts trying to trample over yours, shut them down.

Sending solidarity.

Not posted on here for a while as thanks to Covid my relationship with DM has improved inasmuch that I have low contact with her. She lives in Ireland but despite the distance can still make my life hell. Used to be that I phoned her virtually everyday, now it's once every 6 weeks or more. She never rings me. During whole of lockdown she rang 5 times and 3 of them were to tell me of andeaths/serious illness. I last posted on here Dec 2021 when she had invited herself for Christmas but Covid intervened (thank-you God!) Since then I have seen her 3 times. 2 trips to UK and one trip by us to Ireland. Neither visits has she exactly covered herself in glory but they would fill a book in themselves. As usual they upset me but not that much. However it is this week that I find most upsetting I think because if affects others that I love.

I've been married for 35 years and my DM has always dislikedmy husband. As I have written on here in the past there is absolutely no reason for this. She is not directly rude to him as he has challenged hThier behaviour in the past and he is very direct, does not play mind games. Say no and he will take that as the answer. I'm sure he must notice my mother's attitude (all her family see it) but it's 'water off a ducks back' to him but it really upsets me and this is the point of my post.

Tomorrow is a big day for DH. To avoid outing a ceremony will take place in London (not at Palace it's not a medal or anythiing like that) but in an historic building and is something few get to see. There are a limited number of guests and DM is invited. She was told of the event back in November, long before any official invite was issued so she had time to make arrangement etc. Spoke to her on Christmas Day via my sisters phone (DM refuses to use a Smart phone) and she denied all knowledge of the event. My sister was there (she and Bil and neice are all coming for the weekend). Dsis said to ignore her as DM had had too much to drink (could see that on the video) and DM had already told her she was attending. Since then there has been pretty much radio silence from DM. Rang her a couple of weeks ago and she wasn't sure. Have checked with other family members and she is apparently being vague with them too probably because DM hates to fly to UK and will want them to take the ferry (she will happily fly to the US alone!) Now this is typical of DM. The expected response is that I ring and cajole her into coming maybe offer to drive 4 hours to collect her from the ferry (there are no dedicated trains service or coach service since Covid which DM refuses to accept.)

I am proud to say that I have not risen to the bait but this has made it's own problems. With only 24 hours to go I have no idea if she is coming or not? I assume not, but no actual communication. I have expected to have had a call last night saying she'd be on the early morning ferry but if that was the plan she shot herself in the foot as they have all been cancelled due to bad weather. My husband confessed to being relieved that DM isn't coming as she would just cause me stress. I should be delighted too but feel upset. I think because I know she would absolutely love the ceremony, like me she loves history and would revel in the chance to attend, but because it is my husband who is being lauded she won't come. She wouldn't hesitate if it were my BiL whom she adores.
I am so thrilled for my husband and so looking forward to the event but as usual DM behavoir is putting a dampner on it. (She has form for this.) I think only only this forum will anyone understand how she does this,

Thank-you Frami

Sorry for all the typos in my post.

@frami I identify with a lot of what you said here. My "mother" wouldn't phone me unless she wanted something. It was up to me as the less important person to phone her regularly. However she often wouldn't answer my calls as she was giving me the silent treatment for some unknown reason.

Messing up events, creating inconveniences on purpose, so that someone (usually me) would have to go out of their way to get her sorted. Taking attention away from me if there was something about me happening, like her phone going off at my graduation.

Ignoring achievements, I won an award, big gala dinner etc. and sent a text message to her. Nothing back, so I phoned her the next day and she just said no, no message had come in. Didn't even say as much as well done, just changed the subject instantly to she needed my help urgently with something. So I said I'd make arrangements to visit to do this. Phoned her the next day and now it didn't suit for me to come and help. It was actually a diversion for her to ask me this - I was conditioned to jump as soon as she said so - and that way she could ignore my achievement which was actually reported in a number of newspapers.

My husband finally saw her for what she is and called her out on something a few years ago. Since then she has been sour-faced any of the few times she was in his company, once where he cooked a lovely meal for her, wouldn't even look him in the face, and she gave him one of her biggest punishments of all, she stopped sending him birthday cards!! Because she thought that would upset him. Selfish, selfish cow. I won't get into her behaviour as a grandmother, this post is very long as it is, sorry!

You are still trying to please her and I know that feeling, I tried for so long to do that, but actually it couldn't be done, I was setting myself on fire to keep her warm. You know your mother would love the ceremony. But also you know because it's your DH at the centre of it, she will cut off her own nose to spite her face. She actually couldn't enjoy it because someone she doesn't like is being celebrated. What a charmless woman! Have a think about why you would keep someone like this in your life.

You have done well not to rise to her manipulative bait as if she did come, she would find a way of making the day about her. Say you were to send her a message to say you've cancelled her place and someone else is coming instead, if she's as bad as mine she would invent a story that she's on the way and how dare you treat her like this! In the last couple of years I learned the peace that can be gained by temporarily blocking her - actually it's a permanent block now, but it was a relief for a few hours, when I didn't want her spoiling something, to know that she couldn't contact me.

My "mother" is well into her 80s now and I wish I had gone no contact with her many many years ago, but I didn't realise then how toxic she was. With therapy I now realise I have been emotionally abused since I was a baby, this isn't something that started when I was 18 or 25 or whatever. It's hard to come to terms with something like that but the soonest started, with a good therapist, the better! There's guilt about walking away from an elderly widow because all that programming doesn't go away overnight. But it's worth persevering.

You may find this Instagram account useful, there are some podcasts I regularly listen to, but I find this account is helpful for short validating points www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/

@frami bet she doesn’t come and I hope you and your DH can enjoy the day with the other family. They just can’t celebrate anything that is for someone else and especially anyone who vaguely sees through them.
@Escapingafter50years Ah yes, the birthday card game, always under the radar so other family don’t see through it all. Only they can weaponise someone else’s special day. Tempted to tell my narc to just not worry about cards but I can’t be bothered to engage at the moment.

Hey all I could really do with some advice on how to move forward with this situation with my parents.

I called my mum, she hasn't called me.
Honestly I feel like I'm in another reality here. She sounded really quite annoyed with me. I asked how she was how her trip was etc as they'd gone away for a few days. She didn't ask me how I was. Then one of the first things she asked was had I thought about talking to my dad. I said well not much as I've been sorting out the house purchase and trying to settle in my new job.

She said in quite a tone, that she thought this would only move forward if I spoke to dad. Whiy yes, is probably true. But I just feel like the issues come from them. So I said well have you thought about addressing the issues between the 2 of you to move forward. And she said we'll yes but I feel this needs to come from you.

I just feel like they think I've done something wrong here. There's no regard for the mess it's made in my life while starting a new job and buying a house.

I feel like what am I going to do? Tell him all this shit about how he's been selfish and bullying my whole life and he'll go oh OK sorry ill change my whole personality and outlook. The issue ishethingshia behavior is fine

She's obviously in deep denial about her mh and their problems. And is scapegoating me rather than addressing the issue in her marriage.

She wants me to talk to my dad and I just feel like it's yet another example o her throwing others under the bus emotionally.

I think your DH deserves your undivided attention to celebrate this lifetime achievement.

You all deserve a day unpolluted by the sulker. Don’t have any FOG (fear, obligation or guilt) towards her but try instead to shift gears to calm, joy and pride for the whole 24hrs.

I wouldn’t chase her.

I wouldn’t answer any calls or texts as they are likely to be intentionally disruptive to your emotions or creating chaos to your plans.

Don’t give her the pleasure.

Focus on your family.

I would block her for 24hrs. She won’t know - she can contact someone else in an emergency - you could claim you left your phone at work?

Plan that she isn’t coming. Return the ticket, cancel any place for her at a restaurant. If she does turn up - say you weren’t expecting her so there is now no way to include her and leave her at home.

Also expect her to have a “crisis” - health or something else to deflect and disrupt. Don’t play into this - have a contingency - a neighbour or family friend on standby to deal with any nonsense because you cannot be available.

Draw strength from your own agency and getting ahead of her. Enjoy your weekend.

Hi wonderful people,

I had my first therapy appointment today. It was so validating and liberating. My therapist basically told me what you are all saying--if your family is emotionally or otherwise abusive, you have every right, even the duty, to distance yourself from them. Even if your parent is elderly. As long as dementia isn't a factor, people are accountable for their abusive behaviour, even if they're elderly. You're perfectly justified in minimizing contact or even going no contact. Even if your parent is elderly. Because your priority has to be your own emotional health and healing. And it is possible to heal.

Family isn't just the people you're related to. We have families of choice, made of the people we choose to be in our lives, who love us and treat us well.

My therapist gave me breathing and mindfulness exercises to do when I'm feeling triggered and anxious. I'm looking forward to our future sessions.

Wishing you all so much support and healing. ❤

Hello all. I have been lurking on these stately homes threads and also in the elderly parents section (someone suggested that I look here!!)

I wonder if you would mind if I told you all my story. I know that you can't help with anything practical or legal. I know that you can't tel me what to do. But if you could read this, I would be grateful.

Growing up, I always favoured my dad. I remember often being scared of my mother and anxious about her reactions. She was a vivacious woman (she's not dead - just not vivacious any more!!) - louder than most (although an American in England and possibly not really loud by her American family's standards). From the age of about ten, I often felt that I disappointed her. There was a lot of anxiety in the household - older brother had a dyslexia diagnosis but there is plainly more to it than that. He was not academic, struggled socially, struggled wth everything yet we aways had t pretend that he was the intelligent one. I felt that my achievemnets were not recognised.

I applied for Law at university, although I never ever wanted to do this. I did this to try and please my mother, to feel as though I was doing what she wanted and expected. I never believed that I would get the grades - but then I did!!!! I hated it and changed courses at the end of the first year. I don't think I have ever got over this and have striven to try to "make up" for this disappointment to her.

Growing up - I never confided in her. This is because it would make her worried and this was an annoyance to her. I remember having recurring nightmares about nuclear war, when I was around 12 (this was at a time when the world was actually close to such an event. There were also fims like "The Day After" and "Threads" which presented the bleakness and devastation of such an event. I remember telling a friend and she asked me why I hadn't told my mother. I couldn't understand what she meant. Why would I tell my mother? She owuld be cross!!

My mother has never had boundries, always expexted and demanded that I behave in a certain way. For decades I have always felt that I must "serve" her - with food, meals, treats etc etc. I just wanted her approval.

Many decades of this, until 2021, when she broke her hip. Towards the end of her stay in hospital, she became so mean to me, that it felt like she had winded me. When she returned home, she wanted me to stay with her all the time and take her to the toilet at night! I love 60 miles away and came up around 3/4 times a week until my dad went into hospital in November 2021. I had to go up 6 days out of 7 as she would not be alone. I sourced night sitters, did everything for her, but she became increasingly venomous. She lies about how much I do for her, minimises it, shouts, is unfailingly and devastatingly rude ALL THE TIME. The harder I try the nastier and mre entitled she seems.

In November, after taking her to a hospital appointment, she screamed at tme that I am a "ROTTEN DAUGHTER". It's the word "ROTTEN". She knows that that means - decaying, dead, lacking in morals. She has care day and night so I left her to it. After conveniently having flu at Christmas, my husband, daughter and I went to see her at New Year. She pretended not to recognise us. Then pretended not to understand why we had bought gifts, Then wouldn't open them and then wouldn't say thank you. She barely spoke to my husband and daughter (only grand child. I am biased but she is a lovely girl).

And now - I habe big decisions to make for both of them. She does not have dementia - honestly she doesn't. She's had the scans and memory tests. It's her. This woman is such a strong personality. I am terrified of her. I looked at the NHS domestic violence section and she fulfills 7 out of those 10 factors. So - I will do everything practically for her (I am the only LPA for her health and finances) but I hate that everyone expects me to just "change the way I react". As though it is all my fault. I hate that I do everything and my brother does nothing (he lives round the corner from her - he goes over every day for his dinner - which the carers make!!!! You couldn't make it up.