Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

Is there any option to extend or build another house on the land, so that you have a seperate residence from the DSs?

I think that you’re thinking about this situation in a slightly unhelpful way - you’re seeing it as moving in with your dp and his dc, and framing the issue in your mind as a failure in your acceptance of his dc.

But another way to think about it is as moving into a house share with two young adults. I honestly couldn’t handle that at my age. It was exciting in my early twenties, but the only way to avoid being the skivvy was to drop my standards. I wouldn’t be able for the drop in my living standards now. A nice space is essential for my mental well-being.

And add to this that you’re planning to work from home. Even in my fun filled twenties I would have gone insane if I’d been stuck all day.

I’m not going to judge the failure to fly situation - I’m anticipating similar with my ds who has asd and possibly adhd. But I’m planning to make some life changes myself in that situation because I don’t want to live in a house share indefinitely.

There is no shame in this not working. So let that go - you aren’t a bad partner, a bad sm figure, or anything else. You’re simply you and it’s not right for you.

You’ve already broken out of the nuclear family, til death do us part mould so remake your life to suit you. You don’t have to apologise for your self - just claim the living situation that suits you.

OP - you haven't worked this hard to spend your later years living in a houseshare. You will be miserable as you won't be able to stop tidying up after them all as you want to live in a nice place and they are clearly not going to muck in to achieve this.

The inheritance situation is a minefield and you say that the farm is likely to be sold with the proceeds split among the siblings. Is there enough money to fund 3 homes from this? As this could come when your DP is retired you are looking at buying a place (without a mortgage) for you, DP and non-working son. You can't afford to live in the area as it is so where would you be moving to at that point?

I think moving in and giving up your financial independence is actually a greater threat to your relationship than maintaining your previous arrangement that has worked for over a decade.

Anyone can make a mistake.

It takes bravery to not bed down with them.

It's ok to say I have made a mistake.

Late 50's here and at times I get fed up of cooking for two grown lads that I adore and they are my own, living in my lovely home.

Doing it for two men who weren't my own, that do nothing in the house and live in a tip.

Not a chance.
Not for any man.

Sounds like hell to me.

You have sacrificed too much, particularly your daughter here.

Don't do it.
As the winter continues, you will only feel worse.

Your partner is happy to live in a tip, not all men are.
My husband certainly wouldn't be and he wouldn't allow it.

Look at this honestly.

Living with messy dirty men is not fun. Ever.

@SavingsThreads there used to be a static van his sibling lived in so there could be the option for that.

I think on reflection I felt like I could work to improve things from the inside in respect of his DS's. The youngest needs to learn to drive in order to be able to travel to a job but hasnt even got the wherewithall to make enquiries about driving instructors . Its left to my DP who doesn't have time in his day. Yes it was clear that they would still be living here by the time I came to move in but I thought I could cope with that. It seems I cannot. My own DDs are independent and self motivated which is even more of a stark contrast to his DS's.

Big hugs to you. It sounds like you planned this and thought you knew how things would work out, but sometimes reality just doesn't match. It's not your fault.

I hope you can reach a decision that you're happy with. 💐

Ha yes this!
Every single vivid memory of this

What I dont understand why you see it as there is only two options - either to move in with them or end the relationship. Its not fair to expect you are the one who needs to uproot herself to keep the relationship going. Perhaps its not the right time or perhaps moving in isnt a good option at all. Moving house and work from home sounds a bit clautrophobic just on paper, if you are used to going to work and live in a town. Its a massive change and dont have to beat yourself when it doesnt actually work as you thought it would.

Please do not invest any of your own money in the farm OP. There is every possibility of an almighty fallout amongst the siblings over inheritance when their parents die, and you could lose your investment.

Google the following cases

www.birkettlong.co.uk/site/blog/rural-business/farming-families-and-proprietary-estoppel

Yes, I think you've made a huge mistake. You've not paid attention to your own intuition about this move, you just lived in a daydream of hope. Move out asap. Go back home.

Yeah. And imagine when they're 30 and you're cooking their tea.

@FiveGreenBottles don't worry that was never a consideration. Any property or savings will be left for my DDs.

Yes there would be enough money from the farm sale for all 3 siblings to comfortably buy a suitable property in the area. DSs are likely to inherit from their maternal GPs aswell in the form of several properties.

I think you both came into it with the best intentions but it's too much to ask of you to have got all your adult children into their own lives and an empty home to then move in with more adult children. Don't mention that they're unmotivated or anything just that your adult children have flow the nest and now you need a quieter home with just you and your partner. You're not making him wait another few years, don't think like that. He's clearly happy as you have been so move back out and say you'll move back when his children have flown the nest too and you both be in the same position to look towards your own future

Ahhhh ok - so the boys are due a big inheritance, and that's why they don't care about working hard.

Family farms are really complicated, there are alot of people impacted by any changes that might come & I wouldn't want to be in the middle....it's not your mess. It's very emotional for all involved.

You are the most important person in your life, it's ok that you tried this & it didn't work. Moving out doesn't mean splitting up. The future might be different to what you planned, but that doesn't have to be a bad.

You come across as lovely & thoughtful. Focus on what you want. You are important.

@OriginalUsername3 yes that's a sensible way of framing it thank you.

I think on reflection I felt like I could work to improve things from the inside in respect of his DS's

No, you are not a saviour and anyway you can't save people who don't want to be saved.

Plus the farm and siblings is even more of a nightmare then I feared. No inheritance tax if you pass on a working farm but if it is sold and shared there would be, plus money for care for DP parents if needed. Plus who will actually end up caring for them, plus one of the siblings is already in the main house so will probably expect to remain there.

I agree with a pp, nothing wrong it admitting you got it wrong, in fact lots of strength to do so.

If you moved back home what distance would it be?

Yes the poster has a nightmare on her hands. Be frank, leave. Can you imagine another 30 years of this wifing to adult men? Bollocks to that.
I am early 50s. 2 teens at home.
Dp lives 20 miles away with teens. Its perfect. I would never live with him and take on all that drudgery.
Why would you?
Move out and take back your sanity. Independent women win every time.

I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men

Why the F would you give up your own independent life to do this? Yes, you're an idiot. And they saw you coming.

What a stressful situation. I wonder if it's familiar to parents whose own children have moved back in after uni but with the added complexity that they aren't your kids and also you're the one moving in, not them. Basically you've moved into a flat-mate situation, there are four adults in the house and the work should be equally shared between all four flat-mates. But the four flat-mates have wildly different standards of tidiness. So the options are:

• do everything yourself to your standard
• live at the lowest common denominator
• become the wicked step-mother and put esp DSS2 to work as the Cinderella

There are no good options whilst the DSS are still living at home. I hope you can convey to your DP that you want to continue the relationship and you absolutely do not want him to chuck his kids out. You will wait until it happens naturally.

And being realistic, even then you might find that you and your DP are not domestically compatible. That's hardly the end of the world, there's nothing to stop you continuing to live separately.

I don't think I can expect my DP to wait another x number of years for it to be the perfect time to live together.
He's the one expecting you to wait, not the other way around. If he's really prepared for you to be the wicked step-mother in the Cinderella scenario, ask yourself why.

I'm a bit confused here. Surely you regularly spent time at your DOs house? Presumably you saw the dynamic, state if the place, who did what? Then you knew the situation. Unless of course you'd turn up and take over all the cleaning, laundry, cooking etc? So you must have known - why did you think living there would be different?

Tbh you have decided to take over all the wife work - just why???? Doing things for your own children is different to skivying for grown men.

I expect you DP would just tell you to stop doing it? And he'd have a point you don't have to, you are choosing to. Clearly it's because you don't want to live like that. You've given up a comfortable life with a home for your DD for what?

Stop the sale of your house and move back.

Good on you for having the awareness to realise this early on that this is not going to work for you as it is. I think the view that you can't expect him to "wait another three years" could be challenged though, as though the conditions are perfect and the only thing that's stopping this working is you. That's not the case.

The thing that's preventing you being able to settle in to the house he's invited you to share with him are the two surplus grown men who have their feet wedged firmly under the table. What's to say they will have both moved out in three years? Or even ten? Until he deals with this, he isn't in any position to invite a partner to live with him really, no matter how idyllic the rural surroundings.

I'd say that if his priority is living with you, or for that matter, any partner, he needs to deal with the two overgrown chicks in the nest first. And that's not your job. If they aren't motivated to get of their arses and learn to drive, find jobs, put the playstation down, that is one hundred percent not your job. If anyone is to put a foot behind them it has got to be him.

In terms of what you do now, I'd call off your house sale, ask him the time frame he's got in mind to get two static caravans hoisted onto the camp site and give them both a list of jobs to do to earn their keep, which will free him up some time to get his house cleared out and decorated in which case you might consider moving back in.

You say its a tip where he lives - did you not see that in the years of visiting?
Could this perhaps be sorted out by all sitting down together and discussing a way forward where you all do your bit to make it a beautiful home. Yes, you got used to doing it all at home, and you say that it's not the problem, but you are not helping yourself or his grown DC's by doing it all yourself.
I personally wouldn't have an issue with living with 3 men, but I had 2 brothers growing up and live with my now adult DS, so I'm probably more used to it. You, however, had 2DD's and I wonder if you grew up with sisters rather than brothers, so not used to it? I'd find it harder I'm sure to to adjust to living with someone who had DD's at home, but I think I'd adapt better, given that I'm a woman myself, so you are in a harder situation.
Overall, it's early days yet, and finding and having love in your 50's, is no small thing to lose. It might be worth giving it a longer go, while ensuring you get that flat as a backup. You can't expect immediate adaption, give it time, it's going to take a while for adjustment. During that period, all agree to get cracking on changing and decorating etc. given your DP seems supportive and happy for you to do so.
I think changes to your current environment and setup, where you all muck in together, might help with your outlook and ability to adapt to it.

Please, please don't listen to the suggestions about getting a static caravan and living on his land ... why in earth would you give up your comfortable home and lifestyle to live in a caravan?! That's utter madness. Please, please just stay where you are , get your job back and remain independent.

There are so many warnings on this thread about farming families .. it is not easy ... your relationship has worked for 11 years whilst you lived separately... why can't that continue?