Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

the 3 children of parents will equally inherit but i think it would likely be sold and proceeds split at that point. DP would then buy own property.

This very rarely happens. Is your DP or his parents/siblings/children actually farming? I mean do they spend all of their time and get all of their incomes from producing food/feed? True family farms are a fucking nightmare, especially if there are any non-farming siblings and a poorly prepared will/succession plan.

You need to know your future - will DP move into the 'big house' on the death of his parents, or is their another sibling in line for that? Is there any chance of swopping houses with his parents now so you all move into a 'new' house together? Alternatively, see if you can get one of the big cabin type of mobile homes installed and move you & DP into that leaving his kids in the house.

You need to know all of the details of what happens to the farm and your home in the future. If it's not an actual working farm - people do other jobs off-site and food/feed production is secondary - then obviously far less of an issue. I'd still keep your house for a year or two if you possibly can.

@SillySausage81 unfortunately the house needs alot of tidying and cleaning and I can't just sit back and relax in a messy house. I don't think my DP has coped that well with being a single parent and working FT and helping on the farm. We were going to redecorate soon as Im settled which would be a help but right now its a bit of a tip.

This is a massive change and it is no surprise you feel this way. Resist the urge to mother them all and start as you mean to go on. Taking your post at face value your partner sounds nice and like he is prioritising appropriately. If you truly see a future with him and you have thought long and hard about the move, give it a proper chance. I would think it would take several months to feel settled. Maybe you could rent your house out instead of selling? Appreciate that is hard to do in practice. If you have a good relationship start talking about how you are feeling and trust him to help you with the changes.

My sister and her husband lived on the family farm too. They had a lovely big static caravan close to the house but that obviously gave them the privacy and separation from the rest of the family that they needed. Is this an option?

Why are you taking this all on yourself? Tell him it isn't working, and that you'll only move in with him when all the adult children have left home. Yours after Uni, and when both of his are out of the house. If your daughter is happy having vacations at the farm, then it can happen as soon as his very adult sons are off into the world.

Make sure you get a lovely apology gift for your no-longer-buyers when you pull out.

@closingloop DPs father past retirement but won't retire, so farm is dwindling. Income mainly from a campsite on farm. DP works away from farm but does do some work there plus alot of campsite admin/maintenance.
Other sibling lives in farmhouse with ageing parents and works on farm. Other sibling off site & works elsewhere.

Yes fully aware of the nightmare of non existence succession planning. That is a distinct possibility. Even if i sell my house I will buy a flat outright but not nearby as too expensive.

As someone who has lived with just their DC for a long time then I completely get why you feel this way.

I would struggle to live with 1 adult, let alone 3.

What you need to consider is that with the cost of living there is a large chance that his DCs will continue to live in the home and that maybe your DCs will need to live at home too.

It sounds like you don’t want to cancel the sale of your house and you can’t afford to buy a home close to DP (which would have been the perfect solution).

So I am wondering, considering it’s his parents farm, if you could get a mobile home/caravan on the land and have that as your home.

You could still spend the evening and sleep at DPs home when you want to but you’ll also have your own space and don’t feel the need to cook and clean as much.

You could leave in the morning and go and spend the day in the caravan working and then go back to DPs in the evening.

You’ll still get the lifestyle and see DP all of the time but you’ll have your own space and you can gradually move back into DPs home in the future if you wish.

Your DCs will also have their own space to stay too, instead of being in someone else’s home.

Your DH sounds really nice and understanding and I think if you spoke to him about how you are feeling and that you need your own space and a space for your own DCs, then he’ll understand.

I could not deal with a 23 year old just gaming, and presumably not contributing to finances. Your DP sounds lovely and maybe he is not showing tough love to DS2, but I think he needs to unless is has a disability which means he can't work and live independently. Some people drift through life without making difficult decisions.

I agree with the others that if you could build or convert something so the DSs (or at least DS2) can move out and become more independent, that would be best. But you don't want to be the Evil Stepmother, it needs to come from DP and ideally be sold as a positive idea and the DSs join you for dinner a couple of evenings a week. As it is a farm you might be able to just install a trailer home for him which you can do for around £20k all in - this sort of thing - www.ebay.co.uk/itm/175443312594?hash=item28d93c7fd2:g:ovYAAOSwdaVjQwum

Have you thought about what moving in with DP means for your DD's student loan? You know it will be assessed on your joint income, so you may need to find a lot more money for her whilst you are living together, if she was on full loan and moves to minimum loan that makes a £5k pa difference.

Buy a flat locally with DP ( ring fencing your contribution and move his DS's in, charging rent to cover mortgage. They will have to start adulting and you get to be with DP

it does sound a nightmare

And you can't just REFUSE TO SKIVVY FOR THEM. how would that work?

you go from being master of your domain - its as tidy and clean as you want it - the daughters will generally do what is asked of them by their mum. Your the boss.

Now you'd be a 1/4 part of a messy house share. You could get DP to do his tidying but not the 2 boys. no authority. So its either live in a tip or do tons of extra tidying. fine you don't cook for them but now you have to cook in a messy kichen with maybe no clean pots/pans. not as all ideal.

Don’t feel bad op.
your feelings are completely bailie.and if you know you know.but I would also say this is a huge adjustment.your biggest ever is say.so I might try to give it a bit more time.you’ve not had chance or time for anyone not you or the lads to mould together and find your own ways of doing things.
you haven’t had time to decorate or move things to there proper place.
this feels like when you go away to camp when your younger.some kids really struggle to be away from home comfort and their own routines and way of doing things. It takes time and trust. But again if your really saying you can’t then either way it won’t work because you will have a blocker there now.
talk to him.don’t accuse but you must be honest.because this needs honesty and talking.and for you both to be able to feel into the other on this to come through it.
maybe for now try and spend some more time there with the men. Get yourslelves used to how each other lives.
because you don’t no their future.some children specially in farms live permanently on the homestead.
and bloody hell that farm set up spells lots of stormy working out in the future! He will need you in on that.on his side.been there done that and my god it was hard to witness.

I thought this too.
Your relationship has worked for 11 years.
It may not work for much longer under this sort of strain.
It's not just 'settling in / re-decorating together'.
It's making yourself very vulnerable from here on in.

To those saying the dcs need to move out.why.that’s non of our business.some families do manage and want to live with eacother for longer than chuck them out at 18 mn line. Especially farming family.

I also think sons should get their own place to live nearby (or further away) - could working son get a mortgage with his father to build an annex? Why is other son not working and what are his plans? Don't sell your house until you are completely happy. Also be clear what the financial situation will be when DP 's parents pass on. Does your partner own his house or does it belong to his DP?

You've put this man and his needs before everything, your own kids, yourself.

Beggars belief.

"But what would make this work isn't possible without alot of heartache."

What do you mean exactly?

What you see as heartache and burden and change for him - you are appreciating the enormity of the impact of changes for him.

You've completely dismissed the 'heartache' of the changes of your life and your DD life.
Somehow you've managed to suck that up. Why?

Why is your life being minimised and put away to keep the man's life very comfortable and the way he wants it.

There's a book called Codependence No More by Melody Beattie. It's just worth a read, probably in most libraries.
Worth a read because we women are socialised to behave like this.
Really, it's not all you this. You stand on the shoulders of thousands of women who came before you.
It's a pattern of responding in attachments that you learnt.
You are not 'weak' or wrong. You are a strong woman. It's about patterns in attachments. It's about love and our fear of separation.

@Positivelypatient
you mention you’re going to redecorate as soon as you’ve settled. Why not redecorate asap so that you can feel settled?
if your DP is willing to do anything to make you happy, then take charge of the home, put your stuff/buy new stuff, revamp everything, new kitchen, new bathroom, make the house yours/your DPs. If that unsettles the DS, great! Then they’ll move out and give you the space that is now yours.

DPs father past retirement but won't retire

Farmers don't retire, they just work until they die or become physically incapable, and then they just hang around in dangerous places doing dangerous things.

It's a difficult world to join, good luck.

Perfectly normal for the reality to face you as you have just moved in.

Three mesdy meniving in a tip is who they are.

The only thing that will change that is you skivvying for them and why would you want to sign up for that?

Cleaning up, cooking, shopping for 4 adults is a lot of work.

No man is worth that effort or
commitment.

If he is as nice as you say he will understand.

The fact that he allowed you to move into a tip without insisting on a clean up beforehand, is a huge red flag to me.

Refusing to do anything doesn't work unless you are the type of person who doesn't care about living in a tip.

You clearly are not that person, so resolving this is not going to involve you sharing a space with them.

Trying to get them to clean up is not your job and I would think utterly futile.

Why would you bring such stress into your life at this point is genuinely beyond me.

I would get my job back, stop the sale and move back. Living together isnt all that.

After raising my DS there is no way I would take on looking after someone else's grown DC. His DC may never move out and then what?

Who would pay for this?

Decorating a house you don't own, would be madness.

How far is long distance

can dp move into yours and drive to farm daily to help aging parents run it

why isn’t the son who doesn’t work , work st the farm

if none of the siblings and him want the farm why don’t parents sell it now

rather once they die

and yes can 5 adults stay comfortably in what you describe as a small house

don’t sell yours. Keep it and carry on with living apart for a few more years and maybe dp ds will then move and find own place

DP works away from farm but does do some work there plus a lot of campsite admin/maintenance.

I think his life would be a lot easier if the younger adult son spent less time gaming and more time helping with the admin and maintenance of the campsite. Apart from anything else it would a chance to get some skills for other workplaces.

Don't beat yourself up too much OP. We all make mistakes and you did it with the best intentions. But it sounds like the sons don't really pull their weight and your DP either can't or won't make them do so. That's not a dynamic I'd want to live with. It is an issue if you meet someone with children - moving in isn't about how the two of you get on but about how it might work as a group. IMO it's fine just to enjoy being a couple without living together.

@billy1966 I guess I imagined the benefits of living with my DP would outweigh the obvious issues I was moving with. Now it seems I have completely underestimated them.

maybe gamer boy could clear up as he does nothing else. Your DP’s not really a single parent is he? There are three adults living in a house, one of whom doesn’t work, and the house is still a tip. This tells you what you need to know. Run. I would not put up with gamer boy if he was my own child so I’m definitely not putting up with someone else’s. The whole farm thing sounds like a nightmare as well.