Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

OP I'm sorry to say it but something in your messages jumps out at me

Is your DP just going along with this? It's good that he is not pressuring you - but is it the case that he just perceives he can maybe have a woman around to look after the domestics?

Re the gaming 23 year old, one of mum's friends has one of those, he's been like it since he left school and is now nearly 50.

Add in DP elderly parents and I just wonder what this is all about from his side. It seems like he does no compromising at all for you. How far is he while you've been doing the distance thing?

You are selling your house I would rent or buy one near to him but I wouldn't live with him until all the DCs have gone and won't be moving back in..

Go home. And say you will live with him when his adult children are fully independent. And I would suggest both of you sell up and buy somewhere new that is a fresh start for both. This seems very one sided.

Some of the suggestions on here are totally naïve... my DF (mentioned earlier) has tried all of these ... redecorated, new bathroom installed, 'nice' furnishings bought (all at her expense) and the situation is no different, even the adult DC who don't live in the home treat her like muck and drop in as and when they want, taking advantage of her kindness and generally being very hostile to her, whilst sponging off their Dad. Yes, her DP is useless but he (understandably) puts his DC first and she is nothing more than an unpaid housekeeper and sex provider. Don't do it.

You should pause the sale of your own place . You need more time.

In three months time you'll either have found your feet living with 3 men in the new household or know for certain it's not going to work.

Is there any possibility of DP moving to live with you at your place?

Do. Not. Sell. Your. House.

Where do you live? House prices in London have fallen?

Could you buy together nearby?
I presume your dp has been living rent free? So could have a sizeable deposit?

I don't think I can expect my DP to wait another x number of years for it to be the perfect time to live together. We are both early 50s now. So I am facing the reality of ending the relationship if I cannot make this work.

That seems a shame. Happy mature couples don't HAVE to live together, do they? Maybe the reason its such a great relationship, is that you each have your own separate space, separate finances, other interests. Why not just carry on as before, seeing each other as often as you like but each having your own home base.

Don’t beat yourself up, OP. There are a variety of solutions available to this situation which have been outlined above.

But I do agree with PP who are saying - do NOT sell your house. It’s too soon. You need to keep your home available for now; otherwise if you sell it, you could end up rushing into purchasing an alternative home and making unnecessary compromises because you’re so desperate to get out of your DP’s home.

Also can you talk to DP about encouraging DS2 to work or at least going lots of work on the farm or dealing with the campsite - it’s very bad for him just to be lazing around all day.

@UnshakenNeedsStirring not London they've fallen in London because lots of people can afford to move away from London now they're WFH and not going in to the office every day which is increasing prices elsewhere due to higher demand.

Our estate agent told us that when we put our house up for sale at the start of the year. We were just outside Birmingham then and house prices there have definitely shot up.

We're between Birmingham and London now and house prices are still rising.

The youngest needs to learn to drive in order to be able to travel to a job but hasnt even got the wherewithall to make enquiries about driving instructors

Bloody hell OP. Kids brought up on farms are usually driving quad bikes as soon as they can walk and tractors not long afterwards. I don't know one that can't drive. And the incentive to learn is high because they're so dependent on others if they don't. Really, no-one's doing this young man any favours allowing him to Peter Pan around the place. But you're on a hiding to nothing if you try to do anything about it. I think you have to live separately.

Buy something nearby and only move in when his children have left.

This sounds like a nightmare.
There's no way I would have moved in in the first place.
I think you know you have made a mistake. There is still time to correct this now. Pull out of the house sale and move home. See if the relationship can continue. I know this will be devastating for you if the relationship ends because of it, but if you stay where you are, you will soon end up very resentful and the relationship could well go down the pan anyway.
The youngest DSS in particular sounds like he's going to be there indefinitely. Why would he move out? He's not working, doesn't need to work, is living in a house which his Dad is getting rent free, plays games all the time and has a nice little life there.

Just go back home OP and work it out from there.

You and your partner sound lovely people. And he sounds like an absolute gem. It would be such a shame to split up because of this current situation. Why not build yourselves a house on the farm? Either a barn conversion or (and this would be a quicker option) research Potton houses. These are built on the German method of prefabricated houses. They go up very quickly and there's a super range of styles. There's a huge show barn type of place where you can see the finished houses and they are lovely. We seriously thought of doing this ourselves but in the end decided that the lack of suitable land was a big barrier. This way, you can have a home that you and your partner can design together and it will really be yours, he can still be a good help to his parents and the boys can make their mess together ❤️

That's exactly what I thought. Never known anyone brought up on a farm that wasn't driving tractors by sixteen and with a full driving license by 17/18. The fact that the 23yr old has never bothered and also isn't helping out on a working farm and the campsite is especially worrying, he obviously has no gumption at all and this would make me think he will never leave home.

100% this. And selling your biggest asset will tie you into to this new lifestyle that you’re already hating, it’s insane.

Op I think you’re being very hard on yourself.
your adult children supported the move. I do agree with other posts it have been better if you waited till youngest finished their education.
you can fix this and still keep your relationship.
I think I’d buy another property and then you’ve always got it for your children. I hope you work it out , all your kids are adults now, you and your partner deserve to be happy too.

Snippy "And he sounds like an absolute gem"

I feel I have missed something.

That’s another good idea about building another house.

Me too! Very bizarre.

I can see you have had a long lead in but you couldn’t know what it would really be like till you lived it and now you feel trapped.

I am in a similar situation & don’t recommend it! Though when I moved in there were no adult DCs living here and it was not expected but then one came back before moving away for a job after 9 months. Then the other one came back and has been here for nearly as long, is very unmotivated, doesn’t help around house and can’t drive in a rural area with little public transport so expects to be taxied around which has become the timetable of our lives… I am concerned this will go on for years and being already 10 years older than you we are going to be so exhausted by then! I said to myself that it would never have worked if my DC had been younger as such different parenting expectations but I now realise the conditioning carries on to adulthood ~ why wouldn’t it? And it’s only me that has a problem with it. Attempts at discussion have led to promises (broken) or arguments. I’m trying to focus on what I can myself influence or change which means planning to spend more time elsewhere 😔

I would strongly suggest you keep your house (& job if possible) and go back to visiting- every weekend if your daughter isn’t visiting you. Do keep the house as you’ll resent the flat if you end up living in it. If you do move up why not rent your house out for an income?

OP something else in terms of long distance

the place you were leaving - do you have friends, community links? Don't abandon them for a man.

OP, I think you may be over-reacting slightly. The situation may not be ideal but I don't it is a relationship you need to walk from. It sounds as though your partner is generally an okay. The issue is here is you both have children from different relationships. I think you should keep your current home. I think you need to communicate with your partner about the plans for future and living together without any of the children. Perhaps, you can consider buying a property together or it may be ideal for your partner to move in with you and leave the property to his sons.

Lots of people have permanent relationships where they live separately. Look into using the proceeds of your house sale to buy a little place of your own nearby. That way the two of you, as a couple, can move freely between the two houses, but you also have a space that is wholly your own.