Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

Please go back, it's not as simple as 'making your own space' in the shared house. You will still have the sons living there (and why shouldn't they, it's their home after all). As I posted earlier my DF is in exactly the same situation... yes, she does her own cooking and cleaning etc but it's had to live 'comfortably' somewhere if you've got other adults doing their own cooking, not clearing up properly, leaving their laundry, sports kit lying around etc etc. She's ended up virtually living in a 'bed sit' in the home - who wants that in their 50s? No peace and quiet as the younger generation (again, understandably) keep different hours, want to have their mates round etc etc.

I would honestly give this more time, it's such early days. Lay out your stall early in terms of housework and a chat about the boys.

I don't think I can expect my DP to wait another x number of years for it to be the perfect time to live together. We are both early 50s now. So I am facing the reality of ending the relationship if I cannot make this work.

I don't understand this OP. Why can't you get somewhere close to him but your own space - a little cottage near the farm something? Why is it all on your DP's terms? (You move in with him or your break up)?

It's on him that he's got a 23 year old doing nothing and laying about at home all day.

Please stop cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men and find your happy place 🙏🙏🙏

@MossGrowsFat the 3 children of parents will equally inherit but i think it would likely be sold and proceeds split at that point. DP would then buy own property.

Yes I fully expected some harsh truths to be given to me and it has been very helpful. What I was feeling about it being the wrong move has been echoed by almost every poster, for a variety of reasons. I only wish I'd been more honest with myself prior to the move, instead of blindly thinking it'd all work itself out. How stupid.

I really feel for you. From afar it seems obvious that moving in with 3 adult makes (one of which just sits in his room and games) would be very hard. No amount of regualr visits prepares you for the reality, and the felling of finality and rootlessness moving from your own home to a cottage tied to a farm you will never have any stake in.

I would let your partner know how hard you are finding it but actually talk over the issues with someone neutral like a counsellor first before I went into too much detail. I worry that you are the one making all the changes and there hasn't been an equal plan about the changes he and his family needed to make.

So you may easily need to move again in another 10 years?

OP - slow down & breathe, you are catastrophising. It's a good idea to talk to your friend today - check in with the reality, & don't rush to any conclusions.

I don't think I can expect my DP to wait another x number of years for it to be the perfect time to live together. We are both early 50s now. So I am facing the reality of ending the relationship if I cannot make this work.

This simply isn't an "all or nothing" situation where you have to either move in with these grown men OR break up with your partner. Look at your own words - DP isn't forcing the pace, he isn't concerned about the timeline, & elsepost you have said how supportive he always is with your decisions & wishes. So you just don't need to be worrying like this.

You are making a lot of assumptions about what your DP expects.
That, coupled with your ... forgive me ... people-pleasing tendency, (as evidenced by becoming the default housekeeper to 3 grown men, your misplaced guilt about your youngest daughter etc) is doing you no favours.

Your DP loves you. He will want you to be happy.
Talk to your friend, take a few days to get your head straight, work out what YOU want, and ... JUST DO IT.
Your life isn't about sacrificing yourself to meet other people's (assumed) expectations. Maybe you decide not to sell your house after all - you are clearly conflicted about it. Maybe you continue the sale, but buy yourself a smaller house or flat. You are in your 50's, with a newly empty nest - this is YOUR time to get your life set up with way you want it, to maximise your freedom & happiness. Don't martyr yourself to DP's adult children. All this cooking & cleaning is a way of dealing with your entirely misplaced guilt about your university daughter & the presumed expectations you are imagining from your DP. It's fine not to live together full time - for many women at your stage of life, it would be the ideal set up! Put yourself first for once ... by doing what YOU want & setting yourself up for maximum financial security & emotional happiness.

I would buy a new property in a nearby village.

The alternative could be to have a static caravan or lodge put on site. You would probably need planning permission.

No - she’s moved in, realised she may have made a terrible mistake and wants advice

Has your house actually been sold?

Yes, you have made a mistake. You need your on home. Your dcs also need a place to call home, which this clearly will never be.

OP,

You poor woman, but at least it is not reversible.

You are giving up too much.

Back out of that house deal today.
See if you can get your job back today.
Tell your partner it is not going to work with two sons in the house.

How you thought that would be anything other than a nightmare was very optimistic of you.

The gamer is going nowhere if he is doing that at 23.
I mean nowhere.
So pack your bags and make those calls today.

Be brave.
The worst thing you could do is hesitate.
Your partner of 11 years has allowed a grown man avoid growing the hell up.
That is on HIM.

The relationship will not work as he will always likely have a son who will live off him.

You seem to be giving up a lot to live with him. Your job and your house. It's pretty major. What will change for him?

I'd pull out of the sale and go back to work.

Stop beating yourself up OP. You are not stupid. Nor should you feel guilty (a pointless emotion). You made a decision, turns out it wasn't a good one. It's not irreversible. No-one has died. You still love your partner and he loves you so you can work it out. All will be well (that's what I tell myself a lot!)...

I agree with everyone saying to buy your own little place nearby. Don't get married or you will need to do a whole lot of IHT and estate planning. Make a will leaving your estate to your DD. Enjoy having your own place but being near enough to DP to spend time together. Don't do anyone's cleaning except your own.

It is quite usual for 23/25yos to still live at home these days. Especially sons. It’s hard to get jobs paying enough to get a property (any property, rented or bought). My neighbour’s boy is a a perfectly normal well adjusted individual and he lived at home until he was about 28. Working. Until he had been in a relationship with his GF which was sufficiently serious that they got a flat together. He’s now married and they went on to buy a house. I wouldn’t call him a manchild, he just lived at home because that was the best decision given all the circumstances. I know a bloke who lives with his mum at 45. He is working as well, he’s done work in my house and that’s how I know him. He is a functional, skilled person but I suppose just hadn’t found a partner to set up home with and it would make no sense financially to do so - he gets on well with his mum and between them they often mind his sister’s kids. It can be very lonely moving out and living in a flat alone anyway. And I suppose having adult children at home is not so much of an issue if they are biologically your own.

I can see from your pov that cooking for 3 men is depressing and I can see the rest of it from your pov as well. It’s just a very difficult issue and more complicated than them just being manchildren. That age of person can easily fall into all day gaming. And it’s very common in men.

This is a lovely post and I agree with all of it.

When you've cleared your head and talked to your friend, you should talk to DP. Try and think through all the options and see where there is any give. How far away is your old hometown from where he lives? Would staying with him half the week work? Or every other week? You could get a WFH job and switch between your two houses, or see if your organisation would let you work part time 2 days a week. The good news is that you won't have to pay rent at his house, so financially there won't be that added cost (although of course the lack of job income will affect this).

Why would DP break up with you? He loves you, and has waited 11 years. You couldn't have known how difficult living with someone else's children would be, a reasonable person would understand that and from what you've said he's been reasonable and supportive throughout your relationship.

Don't worry about the adult DC. Your uni daughter needs somewhere to come back to, but honestly I can't get on board with needing to parent your adult children by making sure they have their childhood home. Parents move, that's fine. And you definitely don't need a room for your DC who have their own home, that's just nuts.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you for your understanding and thoughts, they are appreciated. My DP will want to do whatever he can to make this work, I know that. But what would make this work isn't possible without alot of heartache. I do not expect his DS to move out and I know that any involvement in that would lead to animosity between them/DP and also our relationship. So my only choice is to move home and hope we can recover from this.

Even if I didn't do any meals, cleaning etc, it wouldn't make a difference to how I feel about living with 3 men.

I also just want to say Im not just taking on board the positive supportive comments, the ones that are saying 'what the hell were you thinking' are loudly resonating too and I appreciate them. I'm maybe not commenting on them as I don't really have a defence.

I may seem like I'm a weak people pleaser but I'm really not. I've set the timelines for all of this, we've moved at my speed and my DP has supported all my decisions to date.

Also first year Uni ca be a strange time for some young adults.
Lots struggle.
I would be very wary of your daughter feeling abandoned.
It could totally derail her after you supporting her for so long.

For that alone I would be reversing this decision today.

You have made the wrong decision and your gut is screaming at you regarding your daughter.

Listen to it and reverse this.

I mean this very kindly, but your partner has put his sons ahead of you, you need to realise that.

Cancel the sale today, before you speak to him and put your daughter first.

This!

You haven't sold your house yet so this mistake is reversible, withdraw from the sale and move back out! You will become their cleaner in that house, it sounds awful. It won't necessarily end the relationship, it has worked for a long time living apart. To be honest living apart sounds like living the dream to me.

And don't beat yourself up about it - you have tried it and it hasn't worked. So it's not throwing in the towel without having tried it first.

Would you consider buying your own cottage nearby? You seem very positive about living in the area.

Maybe it's because I've always been a bit slovenly, but I just don't understand this:

I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

JUST STOP. Just don't do it. It's as easy as that. When you see yourself picking up a duster or whatever, just put it down again, and pick up a cup of tea instead and go and sit down.

Early days are always the hardest and can feel like a shock. It may feel better after some time. If you have the option to go back to your own home for now, I would. Even if it was for some time alone, recover, let it all sink and see if something shifts.

I am pretty sure I wouldnt like the situation either. Its different visiting and living right in the middle of it.

I only wish I'd been more honest with myself prior to the move, instead of blindly thinking it'd all work itself out. How stupid.

Please don't beat yourself up, OP! There's nothing wrong with enthusiasm and optimism. You haven't broken anything. Mistakes happen. In fact, mistakes are worth making -- it's how we find things out and learn.