Have I made a huge mistake? Just moved in with DP & his adult DCs

[Positivelypatient]

I really thought this would be the best move I'd ever made but its feeling like a nightmare already.

I've been with DP for 11 years, we have been long distance whilst both sets of DC have been growing up. My youngest DD has just gone to uni and as was always the plan, I've left my job and am in the process of selling my house. I have savings to tide me over and a side hustle from before that is becoming my main income (and is wfh)

So for the last year its been proper prepping for the move, getting my house ready to sell and general excitement about finally living together. Our relationship is the best I've ever had and I love DP with all my heart, which makes how I'm feeling post-move even harder.

My DP lives rurally and in a small house on the family farm.. that's not a problem I love the outdoors and have been looking forward to a different way of life. The problem is his adult DS's 23 and 25. They both still live at home. One is working so I think will fly the nest eventually and the younger has never had a proper job and games all day. They are both nice lads but I'm really struggling with living in a house with an established family routine.

Feeling like I'm in someone else's space with other peoples stuff all around me. I really didn't think I'd feel like this and am feeling so homesick for my lovely house. I've obviously been a regular visitor here for over a decade so knew what I was getting myself in to so I've only got myself to blame. Although until a couple of years ago when it became apparent that the DS's would still be living here I took that into consideration and thought U could live with it. Now I'm not so sure I can.

It's only been a week since I moved here and I know it's early days but Im not sure I can stand it. I underestimated how much I don't want to be a step-mum figure, cooking and cleaning for 3 adult men. My DP doesn't expect it but obviously I've always done that for my own DDs so it's a natural role for me and one that I expected to take up when I came here.

My DP has always said that my happiness is his priority and that I can change whatever I like in the house and that he wants me to feel like it's my home too and to a certain extent he IS prioritising my feelings and happiness above the status quo with his DS's but I feel I can't expect much to change. His DSs aren't going to move out any time soon and any kind of pressure in that direction would cause problems in our relationship.

It sounds so bad but I could quite easily pack my bags today and drive home while DP is at work. But I love him - he is my future I'm very certain of that and I don't want my relationship to end. I just can't stand the thought of living with 2 manchilds for the foreseeable.

How do I get through this and make it work?

This with bells on.

It's not just a man. It's her partner of 11 years.

Can't you use the proceeds of the house sale to build a house somewhere on the farm? Obviously you'd have to buy a piece of the land to build on but it might be feasible. The two lads are old enough to look after themselves and your daughters would have somewhere to come home to.

The future sale of the farm would need to be factored into this, particularly the location of the land and whether planning permission would be granted. Getting services (water, power, sewerage etc) to a new build could be very complicated and expensive.

You've had some really good advice here OP. I just wanted to add my own experience.

Now DH and I first moved in together after we'd been together for about 5 years. We didn't move in to each others' houses though and bought a new joint property together (equal deposits, etc). DH kept his old house, partially as an investment and, in reality, partially as a "just in case" option.

We'd spent every weekend together in each others' houses for 5 years so while I thought the transition to living together full time was going to be a bit challenging, I hadn't appreciated how tough it was, and we didn't have children in the mix.

I was having a clear out recently and found a notepad where I'd written down all my feelings over the first few weeks of living together. Reading it again now, boy was I unhappy! If someone had come to me within those first couple of weeks and said I could have my old house back, I'd have gone in a heartbeat.

In hindsight, I'm glad that wasn't an option to me as it would have ruined our relationship. Now we're 10 years down the line and married. It really was a period of adjustment for us both and of course there have been ups and downs, but it all worked itself out.

Perhaps consider whether you need to just give yourself a bit more time. You posting on here is the equivalent of my writing in a notebook, but with feedback!

If you can slow down your house sale, do, or maybe even stop it completely - you can always rent it out if you don't decide to move back. You have the benefit of options here.

Do discuss it with your DP though - it might prompt him in to a conversation with his DC that he's been avoiding in terms of finding out their future plans.

If the DC weren't there at all, would you be having these feelings? If they were to move out (even if it was in 6, 12, 18 months time) would you feel different?

The OP said that the house comes with the job rent free.Her partner doesn’t own it.Which would be a real problem should he ever leave his job!!

Building a house in the land would be another mad idea ... you would have to ensure you own the land, there may be issues with access, utilities etc etc .... please think very carefully and ignore some of the mad suggestions on this thread. Farming families can (not always I appreciate) be very territorial about land ownership.

Any move like this does take time to sort out Op. The status quo there needs to shift a bit, they can’t simply go on as before while you make all the shifts.
Did you talk through the move with all of you, adult sons included ? Because understandably they may well want to be at home and nothing to change, yet you moving in has changed everything and for this to work everyone needs to understand that.
So, for a start give it time. Don’t sell up yet, give this a chance to work though.
Options - You keep your house for the present, but live with your Dp half the year, and in your house when your dd isn’t in uni.
You buy a flat, and have that as a bolt hole when you want time alone with dds, or time away from the household (The Camilla approach!)
You move back home and wait for the sons to move out . This is risky as the younger may not do that until in a serious relationship, or ever.
You convert an outbuilding as a space for the two of you, with a room for your dd, and leave the sons in the cottage.
You stay where you are, but don’t sell yet, and see how you feel in six months, while also supporting your dp’s younger son in broadening his horizons so he isn’t at home all day.
Buy a Hut or cabin, have that in the garden as your own private space.

Any of these sound appealing ?
What happens if you DP’s parents are no longer living and the farm is sold, what will your DP do then in terms of living arrangements? Where will his sons live if the whole farm is sold off ? Might make more sense for your DP to buy an outbuilding and some land from his parents now. Or to buy the cottage he lives in, as otherwise it will be sold off as a complete package I imagine ? Your DP and his family need to plan ahead.

You can make it work, t you have to changing the caring aspect, ie all the wifework stuff

do not start cooking and cleaning for them, instead be very passive to start with and see how they manage now (and how they have managed for years, without you)

that’s the real trap, if you immediately start doing everyone’s washing, housework, meal planning, cooking you’d be a great fool (which clearly you are not)

I’d be extremely careful about taking on any housewifely tasks, and just be a bit passive and observe their routine first

And friends and community links may be worth more. We see all the time how quickly relationships collapse after decades.

OP has made no reference at all to anything her DP has done for this relationship. Can't help noticing that.

My DF has lived apart from his wife for 14 years, she stays over 3-4 times a week but rest of the time shes doing her own thing. It works for them.

@Positivelypatient

I have to admit, I would NEVER have moved in. No way. You're right that this is their home and will never be yours. May have been different if you had moved in 8-9 years ago when your DP's children were kids, but you didn't.

You can't move in, just hoping and praying that your DP's children move out ASAP for your convenience. They are entitled to stay as long as they like, til they're 40 if they want. It's their home.

Leaving it 11 years to move in together is just bizarre IMO.

Move out, go back to your house (for the love of god don’t sell it!). Reconsider moving back with DP after his sons have moved out but rent out your house out don’t sell it. I cannot fathom why you would sell your only real home while you have a child in Uni??😯

You say that, but they are living like a 19 and 20 year old boyfriend and girlfriend who have been together 6 months. Not a middle aged couple who have been together 11 years. He is 'just a man' in my opinion too.

They are not living together after 11 years, they are not married, they have no kids together, and I would not sacrifice everything for him either. Especially as another poster said, HE doesn't seem to have contributed much to the relationship.

I'm surprised by the solutions that put all the adjusting on OP. Cleaning and decorating a house neither she nor DP own, or building a new house on land neither she nor DP own! It's madness.

OP, your partner may or may not be a lovely man, but he does not have a lovely home for you to move into. Three grown men, slovenly, lazy, incompetent, with no signs of it ever changing. Of course DP has been impatient for his cook, cleaner, bottle-washer, slob-wrangler to move in! Plus sex on tap too.

Is there anything not working for you in the arrangements you had for the past 11 years? If it's been good, and happy, don't change it.

If your partner is truly committed, he'll get his act together and offer you the sort of home you've been living in, clean, peaceful, lovely; not expect you to downgrade your living situation for him. And I still wouldn't give up the security of a home you own for his tied property.

I haven’t read through whole thread but just wanted to say I understand why you moved and you’ve actually been a really selfless mum, putting your DDs stability above your relationship. When you talk with your rl friend is it worth talking about what would need to be different? A week seems enough to know you can’t live with things as they are but not enough to have tried out different things. The financial security is a separate issue and is important you maintain whether that’s the house/a flat/investments. None of us know what the future holds. Good luck x

He should be able to understand if a partner doesn't want to move in with him while his boys are with him. That seems perfectly reasonable for him to get his head around.

1. Could he move to your house with you, if it's a family farm cottage he might not be in a position to sell or rent his place but his boys could continue to live there.
2. Don't sell... If you are willing to stay at his place to see how it goes, you could rent a room out at your house to a nice lodger (check out Spare Room. Com for local prices and demand) to give you about £140 a week to help you cover its costs and maybe some pocket money. Then you and your daughter can go home anytime.

There are lots of these kinds of useless young men in farming communities to be blunt. They tend to be the ones hanging about waiting to inherit a farm. It boils my piss tbh as I've known people with a real interest and ambition in farming who are basically exploited as labourers with no real prospect of ever owning a farm. The sons meanwhile sit about like feudal landlords waiting for grandad and dad to conveniently die at which point they squander the lot and the neighbouring switched on farmers snap up the land.

My friend had the misfortune to marry one such being. Her brother in law managed to lose a farm he inherited because he preferred luxury cars and cocaine to farming. Her ex husband preferred sitting on his arse gaming. These men are not as uncommon as you might expect and your DP seems to be raising a couple more of them.

Oh don't be so stupid, or at least looking for something to seize on to be a mean girl. Expressing being unsettled at something isn't wishing for someone to be 'out of the way'.

You need to establish exactly what your partner will inherit. If there’s siblings then they’ll want their share of their inheritance and things could get very messy. I’ve known of several families where the farm had to be sold in order to execute the wills of the parents.

Buy the flat as you suggested early on, stay there 3-4 days of the week. Nothing wrong with a married couple having their own places, especially at the stage of life where you have already lived your own lives.

Or alternatively the farm itself is left to the son that works on it and the other siblings get the remainder divided between them, even if they’re living on the land.

Halt your house Sale.
Let the dust settle, see how it works out but it has lots of red flags!
It occurs to me you are making your just started uni DC homeless or at very least without a secure base. They will probably come home lot during the holidays and often return home when graduated due to housing costs. Your OHs DC have a secure home, what about your own DC??!
And then there's the settling into an established family unit which is bound to take a lot of adjustment on both sides.
You have to accept its OHs sons home and they will have their own routines, it's also a big change for them having you there .
That's going to have to be a lot of give and take for everyone.
Sounds difficult all round.

This !

Could you find something of your own near him temporarily while you adjust? As long as your dd has a base to come home to I can't see an issue and you've clearly put your life on hold until your kids have flown - I would t throw the towel in completely but if it's not working for you you need a rethink .