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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with woman 37 years younger than me

385 replies

HeartBrokenWife · 18/10/2022 21:58

I feel broken. I had no idea he’d fallen out of love with me. I’m 61 and he’s a little bit younger, but the woman he’s having an affair with is just so much younger than me that it has made me feel almost suicidal. I’m not going to do anything to myself, but I can’t eat or sleep and he’s just smirking at me. I feel utterly humiliated.

My daughter is taking me to a solicitor tomorrow and I’m going to start divorce proceedings, but I feel hollowed out inside and I’m asking myself over and over what I did wrong. I couldn’t help growing older. I’m so sad 😭

OP posts:
Maraa · 19/10/2022 08:14

Hi - I was in a similar situation.

I only have these words of wisdom years down the line,
be angry and sad when you need to be - to get over these feelings they need to be addressed not brushed under the carpet
realise the issue is with them. For years I thought why wasn’t I good enough, am I not pretty? Am I fat? Was I not a good person…. Once I realised the issue was with them, they aren’t a good person, they are greedy, they are untrustworthy, the moving on process is a lot easier!
surround yourself with good people and do the things you love. Be a bit selfish - if buying an expensive dress makes you feel good - do it! One splurge won’t hurt the bank and if it makes you feel better do it.

just please don’t blame yourself, I thought my life was over and now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve done things I never thought possible with the dead weight!

im sorry you went through this, I’m sending nothing but love and positivity your way. You will get through this xx

Plingston · 19/10/2022 08:18

Please don't feel ashamed or humiliated. As a stranger, I can tell you that if I knew of a couple in this situation I would think the man was an absolutely disgusting sleaze and a total idiot to throw away family/stability (i.e. the thing most people spend their lives building) over some stupid fantasy. I would think his judgment was seriously off and wouldn't be able to take him seriously anymore. Nobody I know would think it was ok or believe that his wife was somehow to blame. I'd never look at him the same again.

Neverendingmindfuck · 19/10/2022 08:18

Find your ANGRY and stick with it for now.
It will get you through this horrible time.
Your stbex is a massive bellend. He is humiliating himself. You can hold your head high.
And wish all his future shits are hedgehogs......

C8H10N4O2 · 19/10/2022 08:19

Something similar happened to a family friend when they were both in their 60s, nearly forty years married. The husband upped and left for a woman abroad, in her late 20s, who he met whilst working in the country leaving a devastated wife who had been looking forward to retirement together.

Ten years on, she is actually a lot happier, doing what she wants and because she wants to do it. She told me it was only with hindsight she realised just how much she was always organising things to fit in with his preferences rather than putting herself first. It took time but now she would not return to that situation even if he begged her. I think this is quite common amongst older divorcees - the freedom from always thinking of someone else first can be liberating, once the shock of the change passes.

speakout · 19/10/2022 08:19

Shockmeafter · 18/10/2022 22:03

Urgh pervy old man dating a young 24 year old. I don’t think you’re the loser in this situation….

I agree- downright creepy.

Laiste · 19/10/2022 08:22

Late 50s with a 23 year old?

Ugh.

23 is way below the minimum dating age for a 50 something and is seriously into eyebrow raising territory.

Not to mention the unpleasant power inequality here with her being his subordinate at work.

He's the one who should be embarrassed OP, not you. And he will be.

Maybe not this year, or next year, but one of these days, and for one of a hundred reasons, he'll wake up one day and see what people are thinking of him and know he's as utterly ridiculous and pathetic as everyone else is seeing him.

... And by then you'll be happy in your cottage, well over it/out of it, best mates with your lovely daughter, and watching his life with amusement as if it's an episode of Eastenders.
Flowers Wine

NCAutumn · 19/10/2022 08:23

"I know it’s pathetic but I really want to take as much away from him as I can."

That's not pathetic, it's wise. Go for it, take the dirty fucker to the cleaners and get your lovely cottage.

It's also not about you and your age. My friend was 13 years younger than her husband and he still shagged the 23 year old from work. He does it because he can. It is as simple as that. Vile.

Your life will be so much better without him and you've got your daughter, bet she's disgusted by him.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/10/2022 08:24

Everyone saying it'll be a 5 minute wonder - years ago my step-grandad (he was separated from my nana) met someone much younger (twice his age) who had a young daughter. When he divorced my nana (mutual and nana wanted it) the girlfriend was after the money from his business and sales of 2 houses and she used it to buy a small house with him and he moved in with her and the DD. However, he was older and not well and he was upper class (had had a nanny etc) and not used to looking after himself and sadly the GF wasn't very nice to him from what we recall. Don't think the GF worked much, she was a jazz musician anyway.

Not saying this will happen to your DH, OP.

Thisbastardcomputer · 19/10/2022 08:26

This happened to my neighbour, but he was very well off.

It's a long story and I won't bore you with it, but he's now knocking up 80, she's had him for every penny and he's living on his own in rented accommodation.

Bumblefeet · 19/10/2022 08:27

I can only echo the comments of previous posters. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but stay strong.
You say that you suspected infidelity in the past, use that knowledge to stay angry, and fight for what's yours.
Read that script, and be prepared.

Sending you love and respect
x

Kidsfortea · 19/10/2022 08:28

Gymnopedie · 18/10/2022 23:26

He's her boss. She's a single mother with a young child. She's doing that old cliche of sleeping her way to the top (or at least a rung up the ladder), and he's fallen for it. The poor sod thinks she loves him and wants to be with him.

Divorce him now before he finds out the truth.

She maybe does think she is in love with him. Having an affair at work, stuff in common, is massively different than day to day living with someone imo. She will find out how boring that is and he will remember how exhausting a young child is. Will never last. What a dick he is! Flowers

millymog11 · 19/10/2022 08:31

I am so so sorry OP the betrayal must feel unbearable Flowers
How long were you together?

You are not alone. My first serious relationship (about 8 years) which reached engagement and wedding planning ended when my ex fiance ran off with a woman 13 years older than him (and 15 years older than me). They married but have since divorced.
Then my ex husband of 14 years ran off with someone 12 years younger than him and they are now married (not yet divorced, who knows).
In my case the hurt was immense. In particular the absolute refusal and total lack of any conversation whatsoever in both cases as to why or what led up to it. They were there, and then they were not.
I must attract them, I really have concluded this.
I am now a single mum of my marriage's children. We are kind of in a good place now after many many years. Give yourself time and lots and lots of patience and compassion xx

TicTac80 · 19/10/2022 08:32

He's smirking at you?! Ugh, I have no words. I'm so sorry that he's done this to you, but very glad your lovely daughter is helping you to get things straight. I can sort of imagine how you feel (my XH fucked off with a now ex friend of mine, but she was just a few years younger than me...and we'd only been married a few years). You must realise though, none of this is your fault. It isn't anything you did/didn't do. It is all down to him being a complete cheating bastard. And it will be him who is humiliating himself and making himself into the bad guy/the fool (because what he's doing is disgusting). I can promise you that your friends and family will think the same, and so will people at his workplace. The people there won't be thinking, "good on you mate, well done". "Little acolyte" - what complete fucknuggets, the pair of them.

When everything came out re: XH, he lost friends, his family went mad at him because of his disgusting behaviour (I'm still close with them and his friends though!). He and OW lasted less 4 months after I found out. He's wanted to get back with me since. I divorced him, but he still asks to come back. Annoyingly, I had to pay him off a few £k but I have the best life now. You're going to be just fine xx

TicTac80 · 19/10/2022 08:38

PS get that legal advice and file for divorce quickly. Get your ducks in a row and let the solicitor deal with the crap. Go grey rock with him. It will bug the shit out of him, because he's probably expecting you to have collapsed in a heap and crying after him 24/7. Talk to your good friends and family, they'll have your back. Do all the things you want to do - for me, it was watching what I wanted on tv, cooking the stuff I wanted to do, taking the kids out, seeing friends, doing all the stuff I was unable to do because of the ex fuck-arsing about and pissing up plans. I promised myself that I'd say yes to every social invite I got (I wanted to hide away as I was so embarrassed by it all), and I did. It did me the world of good :)

zgirldreamsoftulum · 19/10/2022 08:41

I'm so so sorry you're going through this OP. Remember it isn't your fault and things will feel better eventually. Please be kind to yourself.

minimalwaterdamagee · 19/10/2022 08:42

He'll be back op.

If he doesn't have much money she'll soon ditch him and he'll come back to you begging.

Get divorce proceedings underway immediately and get as much of the marital assets and his pension as you can asap.

He's making a fool of himself and he'll soon be a very lonely man.

LovelyDaaling · 19/10/2022 08:47

She probably thinks he is wealthier than he really is.
He'll soon be half as wealthy, take him for every penny you can.

He'll enjoy doing the childcare when he's a pensioner.

BuryingAcorns · 19/10/2022 08:49

HeartBrokenWife · 18/10/2022 22:26

Thank you for all the lovely messages xxx I think she’s got a young son so he’ll have to start all over again with childcare etc and I can’t imagine that he’ll enjoy it, although maybe he will? I feel dizzy with it all and I’m alternating between utter despair and a feeling of pure rage that he’s humiliated me like this. I thought I loved him until I found out about his affair. I think I still do, but I need to stay angry as you say DownAtTheBodyShop. My daughter is being incredibly supportive and I love her so much, but hate having to lean on her like this.

It's himself he is humiliating. Not you. You are only 61. You have some wonderful years ahead of you. I am so sorry he has broken your heart and your trust - that must be a horrible situation to deal with. But most women in their sixties thrive better than men do, and once the shock is over, you will be free to reassess your life and think about what you'd really like to do with it.

Make sure you get an excellent lawyer who fights for a properly fair and fast settlement.

He has lost you and no doubt his daughter. You have gained freedom.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/10/2022 08:55

She might not be expecting him to be rich but she'll be expecting maturity, wisdom, life experience and a general good guide to life and protector.

He'll be expecting a doting young thing who thinks everything he says and does is fantastic, forever.

Who's going to be the first to wake up thinking "what the fuck??" We could get some bets placed on this one.

Barney60 · 19/10/2022 08:58

This..
There's no fool like an old fool.
Walk away with your head held high and live your best life.
Mid life crisis springs to mind!
It WONT last, for sure!

Sleepdeprived101 · 19/10/2022 09:00

My XH had an affair with someone 10 years older than me. It took me a long time to understand that who the OW is no reflection on you at all. My XH couldn't deal with family life and the financial and personal sacrifices you have to make to have a family. He now lives with the OW with no responsibilities and only sees one DC every other week and the other sporadically. She treats him as her child and that's what he needs, he cant deal with being second best to his children. It was nothing to do with me. I bent over backwards to accommodate him and his selfish ways but it made no difference.

Who the OW is doesn't matter, she gets the booby prize.

Lean on your family and friends, and I promise it gets better.

slowquickstep · 19/10/2022 09:02

So sorry this has happened to you. Always remember that in the long run you will come out of this stronger and you will love life one day. Do not lower yourself to his standards, remember he knows you and will expect you to react in a certain way, well shock him and do the opposite. But do take the twat for every penny.

caringcarer · 19/10/2022 09:03

OP, when this happened to me I thought I might lose some of our joint friends. But I was so thankful that our joint friends did not accept his young woman and I still got invited not ex and new young gf. I thought as they were a couple they would get invited. My exh best friend even snubbed him and supported me and children through the divorce. I will always be eternally grateful to my dear friends who stuck by me. I don't think ex actually has any friends now. He will hate that as he is a sociable person.

Sallyh87 · 19/10/2022 09:03

Well the world will be laughing at him! Everyone he meets, everyone who sees them together will know he is an idiot. The workplace will be talking about them, thinking badly of them. Won’t make you feel better but it is some consolation.

Sounds like your daughter is a brick and you don’t deserve this. It is painful know but when you see that creepy old man with his gold digger you will know you are better without, I can almost guarantee it.

Stay strong x

Mulhollandmagoo · 19/10/2022 09:11

Awww no, please don't be humiliated, you have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Get yourself a shark of a solicitor and get yourself divorced as soon as you can, Take what you can and live your best life, join groups/hobbies get out and meet new friends.

The little acolyte thing made me 🤢 by the way, it's disgusting, everyone will be laughing at him behind his back, they wont be as impressed by the situation as he thinks they will!