Husband cheating with woman 37 years younger than me

[HeartBrokenWife]

I feel broken. I had no idea he’d fallen out of love with me. I’m 61 and he’s a little bit younger, but the woman he’s having an affair with is just so much younger than me that it has made me feel almost suicidal. I’m not going to do anything to myself, but I can’t eat or sleep and he’s just smirking at me. I feel utterly humiliated.

My daughter is taking me to a solicitor tomorrow and I’m going to start divorce proceedings, but I feel hollowed out inside and I’m asking myself over and over what I did wrong. I couldn’t help growing older. I’m so sad 😭

I sometimes think the age gap itself matters less than the age of the younger partner.

A woman of almost 40 probably knows herself fairly well. If the age gap were the same but they were both 20 years younger - so he was 42 but she was under 20 - I'd find that more of a concern.

Slightly similar in that mine left me for a just turned 18 year old when he was 47, We had been together for 20 years.

I know you are hurting right now but in time you will be more than ok.. For me it was when I started seeing recent pics of him online.. He is dressing like he did when he was 20! He goes out with her and all her friends and he looks like their dad has arrived to pick them all up! He found out after he left that she wasn't interested in him in that way and he is still single at 51 because he pines for her, Social media posts calling her the love of his life etc!

I don't miss him, I pity him.

This isn't about you or your age, it's about him.. Concentrate on you now and find happiness in your own way, You will get there x

I hope all is going ok with the solicitor, @HeartBrokenWife
It seems that those of us who have been dumped have all gone on to have much more rewarding lives. :-)
I quickly met my new (now late) DH, after the other thing moved out - you just never know what's coming up for you. I've not looked for anyone else now (also in my 60's) - life is good. Much smoother without anyone else to consider, much as I loved my late DH. So pleased that your daughter is helping, she will always be there for you & is probably horrified, disappointed & disgusted with her dad.

Sorry you're going through this. Divorce him. His relationship with the young woman won't last. He'll end up looking very foolish.

Exactly this. ^ It basically means servant or underling, and 'beneath you.' Eww, what a peach he sounds!

I do need to echo others that this hasn't happened because you got older, or your body changed, or you didn't rub his feet enough or swing from chandeliers or anything else. This happened because he is a sexually incontinent prick who has form and who, forgive me, has probably not been worthy of you for many years. The failing is all his and if he thinks he's going to go on into his twilight years in bliss with a doting, bright young thing as his sexual nurse, he's got another think coming. I'm snorting at the very thought of it.

"A woman of almost 40 probably knows herself fairly well. If the age gap were the same but they were both 20 years younger - so he was 42 but she was under 20 - I'd find that more of a concern."

As the years go by I think more and more that many many men, (even "nice" mature apparently family men up to that point) when they reach either or both of a certain age or psychological juncture in their development entirely change how they view romantic partners.
The equivalence in terms of life experience, maturing, working as a "team" and (where relevant) having children/a family totally goes out of the window and means absolutely nothing at all to them any more.
What does matter is their dwindling virility and the looking at younger men (often in the workplace) and their sexual partners and thinking "why am I not doing that?" (durr because you are 25 years older than the woman in question).
Quickly move on their logic that they are competing with those much younger men purely as a result of their relative income compared with those men.

The right kind of younger woman will always go for money over everything else (companionship, compatibility etc) and so there are always willing women for this.
After the event, to the extent there is any regret or reflection (which you will never know about) they will always justify it to themselves with a mixture of various delusions like

• the girlfriend is so young she is "keeping me young" because she is so youthful (haha!);
• the much younger girlfriend will nurse me in my old age,
• if the girlfriend insists on kids with me which I don't want (it might be an idea in any event because she is then dependent on me at least for a while) I can plead old age and she can do the lion share if not all of all of the child rearing anyway.

All of the above multiplied if they have a family of origin who they are still in touch with and don't mind relocating back to their parents/siblings etc if it all goes horribly wrong.

Many stick with the much younger partner for a very long time because jumping off that relationship means even more age gap relationships and anyway the younger partner very quickly gets used to the luxury that they have been bought with.

But, @millymog11 , the OP’s husband isn’t wealthy and by the time the OP has divorced him, he’ll be less financially comfortable. The OW probably doesn’t realize his true financial position (yet).

You know that everyone, including men of his age that he knows will be looking at him with pity for being such a twat. Not to mention what his work colleagues will think when it all comes out.

He's in a fluffy cloud at the moment in which he is a cool young yet powerful man with a sexy young thing gazing up adoringly at him.
However, reality has a habit of smacking you round the chops at some point. And when the fluffy mist wears off (and it will) he'll find that he's actually a saggy-arsed old pillock with a bored gold-digger staring at his feeble erection with horror, taking what appears to be his grandchild to the park instead of watching the footy, while everyone he used to know smirks at him for being such a cliche.
Meanwhile, you'll be in your nice little cottage, with everything just the way you like it, the whole bed to yourself. And (I sincerely hope) you will laugh and laugh and laugh.

You've done nothing wrong. Done nothing to deserve this. I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well and you feel a bit more in control of events. Wishing you all the luck in the world, you deserve the best.

Pretty much this.

With this ridiculously large age gap I can only imagine the young girl sees him as a meal ticket. He's fallen for the seduction so easily. What a fool.

"But, @millymog11 , the OP’s husband isn’t wealthy and by the time the OP has divorced him, he’ll be less financially comfortable. The OW probably doesn’t realize his true financial position (yet)."

That does not matter, do not underestimate the effort men in this situation put into portraying vast resources/finances or at least assets in the background all of which the younger woman either falls for or clocks and things "that will do for me".

Whether it is accurate or not does not really matter. Part of the chemistry the younger woman goes for is having a man who is a dribbling wreck who will do anything she says unlike her boyfriends who are a similar age to her who are probably a match for her personality and she does not like that. She wants someone who will give up their entire life, family and everything he has worked for up to that point. That is part of the turn on for women who do this.

I'm so sorry for you OP. What a truly disgusting situation.
There is nothing decent or within the realms of normal about his behaviour, which is as repulsive as it is exploitative. I can only imagine that the young woman is question has issues of her own to even countenance such a thing. Which makes your husband's behaviour even worse.
Please try to see this as nothing to do with you. You getting older has not turned your husband into the ridiculous old fool he has become.
You are just the unfortunate victim of an aging man's ego and inability to resist abusing his position of power.
You are so very much better off without him it can barely be put into words.

She’s 23 with a young child. At a guess on a low wage with not much spare after childcare. Assuming the husband is 40 years in career on a decent salary, mortgage paid off, probably a nice car. So able to buy her lunch out, holiday etc.
If alternative is a lad her age who still lives with his mum the husband probably does look well off.
I’d just focus on you and getting best settlement. Don’t entertain him crawling back. As your children are adults you won’t need to see him much or speak to him.

I’m so sorry OP. He’s an arsehole. Women are glorious in their 60s. It’s tough but you’ll get through this and there is so much to look forward to xxx

Tactically, may be better to get his pension split now rather than try to get maintenance (which is what it would be) once it is in payment. In other words and I'm saying the same as others for different reasons if things are doomed, act sooner rather than later.

You have some great years ahead of you @HeartBrokenWife . No more worries about whether he is cheating or not, you get to make your own decision about everything from where you live to what you eat.

My ex married the younger woman and is still working insane hours to keep them in the lifestyle she wants. He's almost 70, he could be retired and relaxing and spending time with family - instead he has to rush around and fit them in around a hectic work schedule - he is really looking his age these days.

Get out of the marriage as quickly and cleanly as you can. Get everything you are entitled to and start living.

There was another poster who went through something similar in the last few years (married a long time, children in late-teens/early 20s, husband left for younger woman with kids). I can’t fit the life of me remember her username but if anyone else can then her threads might have useful advice for you.

All that matters now is you getting your share of the marital assets.
Forget about anger bitterness, humiliation or revenge …. Just get your share of the money. It’s so important for a happy retirement and old age - speak to a solicitor asap.

Ugh, personally I can’t think of anything worse. 😂

My first husband got a girlfriend who was younger than both our daughters. I started to divorce him and the last thing I wanted was another man. Purely by accident I met one and we are very happily married now.
I had a free half hour with a solicitor who said that everything should be split 50/50 so this is what we agreed. I ended up doing the divorce without a solicitor.

Did you get STD tests when you thought this disgusting specimen was shagging about on the previous occasions OP?

The look on this mans face will be priceless to witness once his lover has discarded him and he’s lost half his house and pension. He deserves the contempt and ridicule that his peers will think of him. Be glad to be rid of the smirking shagger.

Bet you're lovely OP. I'm so sorry this has happened but you will see sunshine again. Meanwhile your STBXH is out there looking like a creepy loser.

Everyone says he is following his dick. Well, don't forget that at 61, especially if he starts to put on weight, his dick will stop performing so well.

The children at his lover's school will say, 'Is that your grandad?' and he'll pretend to find it funny. They'll keep on saying it. It may be replaced by: 'Why is your mum's boyfriend so old?'
Real life will come in like a tsunami. He'll meet his lover's friends, who will be of another generation. He will have nothing in common with them.
He won't feel like sex that much and when he does, he will start using phrases like: 'This has never happened to me before.'

I give it a year, maybe two before he crawls back on his arthritis-riddled knees. (No disrespect to people with arthritis btw)

Big love to you OP.

'Not wealthy' means different things to different people.

Some people think 50k per year is wealthy.

The 'acolyte' (ugh) might think he's loaded