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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with BIL

233 replies

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 17:39

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

OP posts:
barneymcgroo · 17/10/2022 21:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

barneymcgroo · 17/10/2022 21:50

Sorry, wrong thread!

MumE78 · 17/10/2022 21:53

Bless you!

You are allowed to move on, find comfort & be happy.

Please be kind to yourself & take your time

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/10/2022 21:58

Your DH would want you both to be happy.

elephantseal · 17/10/2022 22:01

You haven't done anything wrong. Sounds like you comforted each other. It's been 14 months since you dh died, not 5 mins. It's natural to want human contact and comfort.

Be kind to yourself.

Bigslippers · 17/10/2022 22:03

I was so ready to judge you as I imagined you had slept with your sisters husband behind her back!

You have done nothing wrong op but probably feeling so confused and conflicted and who can blame you? You’ve gone through the mill and we all need company and someone to talk to. The company with a few drinks can so easily turn into something else

You have made the first step accepting that you have a new chapter to start. Whether it be with your BIL or not that’s up to you but it must have felt good/comforting at the time. Take your time. Theres no right or wrong and dont be afraid in telling him how you feel. Stay away from the wine in his company for a while until you’re sure that you feel ok x

elephantseal · 17/10/2022 22:03

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your bil. Talk to him, clear the air, be honest, then try to get back to your old relationship.

Mummyexpat · 17/10/2022 22:08

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is not quite the same but my MIL started seeing my FIL’s best friend after FIL passed, and they ended up marrying (he was also widowed) One of the things that really helped them both was that they could talk about their lost loved ones with someone who a) knew them too and had shared memories and b) wouldn’t get jealous or insecure about it and could offer real comfort…very similar to your situation, maybe? My husband and his siblings were all adults and independent by this point though so can’t offer a perspective from a younger child’s POV. However, my husband’s sister, brother, brother’s wife and the children of the best friend were not at all accepting at first and took ages to come round, whereas my husband and I were genuinely so pleased that they both had a second chance at happiness. Good luck lady and, as others have said, be kind to yourself. X

NoSki · 17/10/2022 22:19

You’ve not done anything wrong.
your plan to meet him and explain how you feel sounds like it will be good for both of you. There is no right or wrong way to act or feel and that could change each mont or each week and you can both go with that.

User112 · 17/10/2022 22:20

Reading the title, I thought you slept with your BIL while being in a relationship/marriage.

In my opinion, you’ve done nothing wrong. Just that it’s a bit awkward and extremely messy (with kids, inlaws, friends, extended family etc) if you decide to make this serious.

I suggest you think it through properly. You might think it’s manageable if you can carry on doing this in secret. The problem here is ONE mistake and it’ll get super messy. The world is big, go meet other people. There are kind and nice men out there. Forget this happened as a one off mistake. Do not do this again.

rwalker · 17/10/2022 22:26

Honestly I don’t think u need this thread except to confirm you’ve done nothing wrong

all your replies are bang on good luck for tomorrow

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/10/2022 22:28

Mummyexpat · 17/10/2022 22:08

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is not quite the same but my MIL started seeing my FIL’s best friend after FIL passed, and they ended up marrying (he was also widowed) One of the things that really helped them both was that they could talk about their lost loved ones with someone who a) knew them too and had shared memories and b) wouldn’t get jealous or insecure about it and could offer real comfort…very similar to your situation, maybe? My husband and his siblings were all adults and independent by this point though so can’t offer a perspective from a younger child’s POV. However, my husband’s sister, brother, brother’s wife and the children of the best friend were not at all accepting at first and took ages to come round, whereas my husband and I were genuinely so pleased that they both had a second chance at happiness. Good luck lady and, as others have said, be kind to yourself. X

My friend's mum died of covid two years ago and his dad is now in a relationship with her best friend who is a widow. My friend accepts it but his brother can't cope with it really. They've not done anything wrong.

Veenah · 17/10/2022 22:29

I'm sorry for your loss and you've done absolutely nothing wrong. I know two women, both now quite elderly, who married their BILs after being widowed young. It's more common than you think.

saraclara · 17/10/2022 22:40

Just adding to the chorus. I think it's a very natural response. The two of you have a shared connection and a shared grief. But as a fellow widow, I also get your conflicted feelings.

Do try not to let it affect your routine though. He sounds lovely and your kids love seeing their uncle. If he suddenly stopped his visits they'd lose someone who's important to them.

Just take it steady. But don't ever feel guilty about it.

scoopoftheday · 17/10/2022 22:47

Oh love, you've done nothing wrong at all.

Everyone needs some comfort from time to time and I feel it's natural that you and BIL would find comfort and understanding in each other.

It sounds like you're both really good friends first and foremost so hopefully a heart to heart talk to see where you both stand will be helpful to start with.

Neither you or BIL have done anything wrong at all, you were both perfectly safe with each other. He stayed the night and held you, he could have left, but I think the fact you both have respect for each other will help see you through.

💐 please don't feel guilty, you're only human x

Snowpatrolsnowpatrol · 17/10/2022 22:50

I also know of somebody who married her (single) BIL after her DH passed away.
I think you just need to take things slowly. There's no rush. Just be there for one another.

larkstar · 17/10/2022 23:08

My father married his brothers ex-wife a few years after my mum died - that must be 12 years ago - I’m sure they are both happier for it.

14 months isn’t long after a lifetime together - you will probably never stop loving your husband but life goes on - it’s not like you are jumping in to bed with someone after 14 days! I think it’s rather touching that you have been so thrown by what has happened - I’m sure you both just need a bit of time to get your head around where this might be going. Don’t be too hasty and over react to what has happened - keep calm - spell it out what is really bothering you about what has happened - are you stiff conscious and worried about what other prone might say or think - is that part of it? You are missing your husband, adjusting, trying to cope and maybe only now you are starting to think about the future - clearly it’s going too be different - it’s a journey into the unknown isn’t it and you are having to think for yourself and make your own decisions. I don’t think you have anything to feel awkward about - you just need time to adjust to this new and possibly quite wonderful opportunity. Good love is often hard to find.

Sparklythings1 · 17/10/2022 23:15

If the people of mumsnet don’t even have anything bad to say about you (and they will find something in ANY situation) then you’re definitely not a horrible person ❤️ Take care of yourself and just take your time

Milkand2sugarsplease · 17/10/2022 23:22

I think you should just see how it unfolds and not feel guilty. If a bit of human contact helps then go for it. It doesn't have to be anything serious but if it's helping you both then it can only be good.
It might become something, it might fizzle out and not, but if it's giving you a little peace and happiness in a gloomy time then it's worth it.xx

Ofcourseshecan · 17/10/2022 23:27

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 17:50

You found comfort in each other and that's ok. You're both hurting and you were there for each other.

You haven't betrayed anyone. It's very clear you adore your late husband.

Be kind to yourselves and each other.

I agree. I’m sorry your DH died, and hope you find happiness again. Neither you nor BIL have done anything wrong.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 17/10/2022 23:31

I don't know you or him - and I am so very glad that you both found some happiness and comfort from a good person. What a terrible loss you have suffered.

(If you are feeling worried: a person who loved you both is likely to be even more glad than that.)

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 17/10/2022 23:40

Just to add another voice saying you haven't done anything wrong.

When you've had a little time to process what happened between you, I think you need to sit down and have a chat about it, as uncomfortable as it might be. Tell him the things you've written on here. You're clearly close enough to do that and you need to keep him in you and your DC's lives.

I'm sorry that you lost your DH, I can't imagine what you and your DC are going through x

Weatherwax13 · 17/10/2022 23:56

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.
You've done absolutely nothing wrong at all you poor love.
I can completely see how you'd be all over the place after this. I'm sure a talk to clear the air will help you feel a bit steadier. Maybe now's the time to look into counselling. You've been through so much.

feelingfree17 · 18/10/2022 00:00

I am so sorry you lost your DH. I cannot even imagine how hard it has been for you, and having to help your DC through losing their father.
Please don’t be hard on yourself, you have done nothing wrong. You are grieving for your DH, and BIL is grieving for his brother. Nothing wrong at all in bringing comfort to each other.
Sending you love and healing.

ItSeesMe · 18/10/2022 00:02

Adding to the long list of people who say you've done nothing wrong. But this situation is more complex than just dating a stranger. Your kids are involved - this could be hard for them to accept. And your PIL may find it hard too. I'd tread very carefully as you can't treat this in the same way as meeting someone new. And should you split up, the impact could be massive.

Grief is a funny thing and every family handles it differently, so please be cautious and put your kids first.