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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with BIL

233 replies

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 17:39

I've nc for obvious reasons. Please go easy on me as I'm a total mess. Actually I probably deserve everything I get.

My DH died suddenly 14 months ago. We were together 23 years and have three children aged 12,13 and 15. It has been a devastating time for us. I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I know him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.

On Saturday my DC stayed with their grandparents, first time they have been away from me since their Dad died. My BIL convinced me to go out for food and a few drinks with him and a couple of mutual friends. I decided to go,was having a good time buy suddenly felt I needed to go home. BIL understood and came with me. Got home and I got us drinks and put the tv on. We had a few drinks,watched TV,listened to music. We both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of.

He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn't talk to him on the phone just text. Both of us are confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can't stop thinking about what I have done.

OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 18/10/2022 00:43

I think it is rather lovely

Addicted2LoveIsland · 18/10/2022 00:47

You've done nothing wrong. You're both grieving. Don't worry about it. You're both grown adults and it doesn't take away from how you felt about your DH.

justhetwoofus · 18/10/2022 00:53

Be kind to yourself xxxx

Schnooze · 18/10/2022 00:56

Are the parents still around? That’s the only really complicating factor. Otherwise if it feels right, it probably is.

beachcitygirl · 18/10/2022 01:03

You haven't done a single thing wrong & netither has bil.

❤️ go easy on yourself & him xxx

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 18/10/2022 01:18

Awww, what an emotional tale. If BIL single and you are more than a year on from being widowed other than people being interested and surprised, no problem. Human nature to to be drawn to each other. He has lost brother snd you have lost husband so drawn to each other for comfort. Don’t be too harsh on yourselves.

CallieQ · 18/10/2022 01:21

Don't feel bad Flowers

Original poster
Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 07:16

All your lovely messages have really helped. I'm meeting BIL at lunch time today so will let you all know how it goes. 💖

OP posts:
Threelittlelambs · 18/10/2022 07:19

I hope it goes well with BIL today even if you clear the air and feel less awkward around each other. He probably feels a bit horrified as well in the harsh light of day.

Saying that he sounds like he’s been a good support to you and your children over the last year and it would be a shame to lose that over one night.

Good luck.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 07:21

Go easy on yourself

you are human animals
and you both found comfort

no one would ever judge you for this xxxx

Bedazzled22 · 18/10/2022 08:57

I’m so very sorry for your loss I can’t imagine how devastating it must be.

You are being hard on yourself and I think it’s totally understandable what happened with BIL. I hope you clear the air with him today but you should absolutely not feel bad at all. Who wouldn’t want to seek a bit of comfort at a time like this, you are human after all. Be kind to yourself.

martinisforeveryone · 18/10/2022 09:27

Lyndsb · 17/10/2022 19:10

Sex was definately consensual,we had a few drinks but were not drunk. He has text me and just keeps apologising. He doesn't want to lose me or the kids. He has said whatever I want he will do and that he loves me and the kids more than anything and wants to protect us all. I dont want a relationship,it's too soon. I did enjoy our night together and in the future I could see it happening again. I need to be honest with him about this. I don't want to stop him from meeting somebody else.

Then please listen to everyone here and try to let go of any guilt. When you talk, be honest and acknowledge the complexity of your feelings. Try to reassure him that you had a good time and want his company, just that you’re not in a place where you can commit. He may be happy with that too.
💐

JenniferBarkley · 18/10/2022 10:18

He sounds like a nice guy, and you sound lovely. I'm sure you'll find your way, whether it was a one off or develops into something more. Just take your time, keep talking and go easy on yourself.

Original poster
Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 11:49

Ok so I met BIL. He rang me just after the school run to see if we could meet earlier as he was a bag of nerves. My heart broke when I saw him. I could tell he was struggling so much. We got a coffee and went for a walk. He kept apologising and saying he has fucked things up and if he lost me and the kids he would be devastated. I told him he has nothing to apologise for and me and the kids are going nowhere. I assured him I was fully compliant and wanted to have sex with him. I told him I enjoyed it and it made feel loved,wanted and comforted which it did. I explained that we did nothing wrong we haven't cheated on anybody and after the year we have had it was a natural response to want to comfort each other. We have focused on the kids since DH died(rightly so) and this was the first time we were alone and could let our hair down. It was a release for both of us. I gently told him that I'm not looking for a relationship with anybody right now and I would never bring another man into the children's home while they still lived here and were children. My priority has and always will be the kids. After 23 years of being with somebody it's just not something I need right now. He listened and understood. I've told him that I don't want him to miss out on meeting somebody because of me. I gave him my full blessing to meet somebody but he said he's not interested. He said he can only think about protecting me and the kids and making sure that we feel loved and supported. He asked where things stood now. I said we go back to the way we were, you can visit anytime same as always, we can still have movie nights and karaoke nights (don't ask lol) with the kids. He was so relieved and I could see the tears in his eyes and jaw clenching so I took his hand and gave it squeeze and said we are all in this together and that he couldn't get rid of us that easy. He said thank you ,I love you. I told him I love him too and we will get through this and there are better days ahead for all of us together. I could see him physically relaxing and we continued to walk. We had a few little jokes together as we usually do and it felt good. He is coming over for dinner tonight with myself and the kids. He said will I bring the prosecco and started laughing,this is what we were drinking on Saturday when we slept together. I laughed too and said not night but definately save it for another time. He looked at me and said " I will keep it on ice".

OP posts:
WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay · 18/10/2022 11:59

How lovely. I am glad both of you are comfortable in each others company and know you did nothing wrong. Whatever the future holds I wish you both the best of luck.

VatofTea · 18/10/2022 12:05

Aww he loves you.

Sex can be very tender when you are grieving, and it is an avenue for comfort. At any rate, like others have said you have done nothing wrong, and neither has he.

I haven't read the thread, might have been discussed already, but both of you could do with some grief counselling, I'd imaging. Sex is soothing, but also, you don't want to confuse matters or your feelings at this delicate time.

Original poster
Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 12:07

VatofTea · 18/10/2022 12:05

Aww he loves you.

Sex can be very tender when you are grieving, and it is an avenue for comfort. At any rate, like others have said you have done nothing wrong, and neither has he.

I haven't read the thread, might have been discussed already, but both of you could do with some grief counselling, I'd imaging. Sex is soothing, but also, you don't want to confuse matters or your feelings at this delicate time.

I am going to start counselling. I feel ready now. My children are in counselling and it's helping them so much.

OP posts:
Lindengericht · 18/10/2022 12:21

This is a lovely update @Lyndsb . You both sound lovely and I hope that you can continue to support and comfort each other and the children. Family is important. Well done Flowers

notbloodylikely · 18/10/2022 12:30

Your update brought several tears to my eyes OP. Just beautiful. Feeling positive about your future again is a truly wonderful thing, I’ve recently started a relationship - under different circumstances although there are some parallels with your situation - and that glimmer of light is incredibly important and thrilling. And terrifying!

Original poster
Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 12:34

notbloodylikely · 18/10/2022 12:30

Your update brought several tears to my eyes OP. Just beautiful. Feeling positive about your future again is a truly wonderful thing, I’ve recently started a relationship - under different circumstances although there are some parallels with your situation - and that glimmer of light is incredibly important and thrilling. And terrifying!

Thank you. I wish you all the best 💖

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyndsb · 18/10/2022 12:35

Lindengericht · 18/10/2022 12:21

This is a lovely update @Lyndsb . You both sound lovely and I hope that you can continue to support and comfort each other and the children. Family is important. Well done Flowers

Thank you, feeling good today. ❤

OP posts:
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 18/10/2022 13:02

I'm so pleased it went well.

Just a thought.... I know you've namechanged, but if the info in your OP is accurate re DC ages, length of time you were with DH etc it could make you identifiable. You might want to consider asking MN to delete some of that info. Whilst you have done absolutely nothing wrong, I'm sure you wouldn't want people gossiping about you and BIL.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/10/2022 13:15

Aw that is so lovely. You’re right to take things really really slowly. I am so glad you and your dcs have had support from such a kind man.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/10/2022 13:22

@fdkc
As someone, who had a parent die as a child, I was a little older you, I think that is really sad. You have moved on but your dad was prevented from doing so.

Lu901 · 18/10/2022 14:44

Just read this whole thread and the update made me cry. So Beautiful.