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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What exactly is going on?!

141 replies

Poppy1013 · 15/10/2022 09:01

Long story cut dramatically short:
husband had an affair with work colleague last year. I found out through emails and up to that point, he was telling me that I was making him unhappy and refused to tell me that he was cheating. Fast forward to now, he is back in the family home and I simply feel like I’m going mad. He is still saying that I am making him unhappy by asking why he is late home from work etc (he is still working with the ex AP). He withholds affection, won’t comfort me when I’m upset (found out that they’re still following each other on a running app), because he says that every time I have said that I cannot see how our marriage can recover from this, he has grown further away from me. He said the other night that to make our marriage work, I will just have to bite my tongue and all the while I’m thinking, how on earth did I get here! We have children and my family seem pretty set on me taking him back, for example when we talk about him leaving again, he says well I will talk to your family and that makes me feel awful.
I have my own career and before people would have said I was confident and independent but now I just think I’m a horrible person!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 09:10

What do YOU want to happen now and going forward?. Would you for instance want him to leave the marital home and from that start divorce proceedings?.

Is he still working with and or remains in contact with the other woman?. He has and continues to show you no remorse whatsoever for what he has done.

Why are your family so invested here in you taking him back?. Family can be unhelpful in such situations as they have their own interests and agendas; they do not have your interests at heart. If they are suggesting that you stay with your cheating H because of the kids, well they really are only thinking about their own selves. Your cheating H is also not above using your family to get back at you either. And he has really done nothing of note to at all make this marriage work; he wants his cake and eat it too.

Have a read also of Chumplady's website.

Original poster
Poppy1013 · 15/10/2022 09:13

Thanks for your reply.
Going forward, I am devastated at the breakdown of our family - children growing up over two households etc but yes husband still working with AP and she is liking pictures of him on a public social media site etc. 😔

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 09:22

Your family unit is already broken because he threw a hand grenade into it. No-one forced him to embark on an affair; he did that of his own free will. What he has done too is no reflection on you as a person; it says an awful lot about him.

I also think your children know that things between you and dad are not great to say the least and this relationship is untenable. It will make you ill and your kids will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you.

He currently has his cake and is eating it too. He has shown as his wife no remorse at all and indeed he is still working with the OW. To your H you are merely there now to help him play the part of a decent upstanding family man.

pinkfondu · 15/10/2022 09:32

So he's basically telling you to put up and shut up?

His behaviour does not say I want this to work. He wants you to be tge bad guy and finish it!

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2022 09:34

HE has destroyed your family unit, not you. He is trying to blame and guilt you for his affair. That's outrageous op. Awful, selfish and unfortunately absolutely typical male behaviour.
How on earth have you got to the stage where you are the one having to please him to make up for his affair?!? This will never stop. He will keep taking more and more, you will give more and more until you're utterly broken. Been there, done that. Leave now. Your children will be fine.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2022 09:37

And, ignore your family. I'm guessing you mean parents and they are of a generation where women put up and shut up with abhorrent behaviour from their husbands. They can't seem to handle the fact that women have choices now.

I laugh about it now, but when I divorced my ex, due ti an affair, my mum said 'well, you didn't always have his dinner ready so you weren't great either.' A different world,

DSGR · 15/10/2022 09:39

This is shocking. He should have changed jobs. They shouldn’t be having anything to do with each other. He doesn’t sound like he can be trusted and isn’t doing all he can to win you back.
Why don’t you just throw him out? Your children will be fine in the long run

LizzieSiddal · 15/10/2022 09:41

yes husband still working with AP and she is liking pictures of him on a public social media site etc.

He’s asking you to forgive the affair, take him back, let him carry on working with this
woman and following each other on SM. It seems to me he has no respect for your feelings at all!

Sorry to ask this be as they these two have so much contact, are you sure the affair has stopped?

LizzieSiddal · 15/10/2022 09:41

And still worrying about what your family want. They aren’t married to him!

Original poster
Poppy1013 · 15/10/2022 09:43

No - I’m not sure at all. They work within feet of each other but he will say they have no contact. He says I’m not begging him and what about him… I feel like the bad guy.

OP posts:
Seejee82 · 15/10/2022 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KangarooKenny · 15/10/2022 09:45

Kick him out. He is mentally torturing you !

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 09:46

He is not acting like someone who wants to be back with his wife and committed to the marriage.

LizzieSiddal · 15/10/2022 09:46

No - I’m not sure at all. They work within feet of each other but he will say they have no contact. He says I’m not begging him and what about him… I feel like the bad guy.

But they do have contact, you said they follow each other on a running app, she likes his pictures and they work within feet of each other.

You’ll see from the answers on this thread that you are NOT the bad guy, he is and he’s continuing to be.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 09:47

He has really done a number on you here hasn't he?. Making you feel like the bad guy is in his best interests so he can then go around saying, "oh she left me".

He's taking you for a right idiot. He would swear night is day if he could.

Find your anger here and seek legal advice re finances and property. He will in all likelihood try and stall any and all attempts for you to get a fair financial settlement from him too.

Original poster
Poppy1013 · 15/10/2022 09:48

It’s very hard to see how we’ve got to this stage. Thanks everyone for your replies. X

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 15/10/2022 09:48

I just think I’m a horrible person!

You're not the horrible person in your relationship, he is.

Are you sure this affair is even over?

He should be doing absolutely everything he can to assure you that he is sorry and wants your marriage to work. Yet he's putting all the blame on you.

Please get rid. He doesn't like you, never mind love you.

You deserve someone who wants you to be happy.

And the opinion of your family shouldn't even factor in your decision. It's you who is having to live with this disrespect and contempt.

Annabananna1 · 15/10/2022 09:50

As an outsider it's just so obvious that you should split up for good.

It is his fault not yours.

You will both be happier apart.

Your children will adapt.

Get your confidence, identity and life back!! Now is your chance!!! .... imagine waking up a year from now still in this same position, that would be awful. Make the change.

Heavenknows22 · 15/10/2022 09:51

Is the only reason he is not with the affair partner because she doesn’t want him?

fantasmasgoria1 · 15/10/2022 09:51

You definitely need to finish things. Forget about what your family think it is you that is living this not them. You deserve to be happy and if you stay with him you just will not be.

Idyllicidealist · 15/10/2022 09:52

OP you are not the bad guy.
What your family think of your relationship is not important, they’re not living your life.
I think your dh doesn’t want to be outed as the cheating nasty person he is.
Stand loud and proud and tell your family that you are not putting up with his dehumanising behaviour any longer.
There are many lovely people in the world who will value you, you don’t need this man.

purplerain13 · 15/10/2022 09:53

I'm so sorry OP 🤗 IF a marriage has to come back from an affair, the H usually has to change jobs, prove that he has cut contact and grovel, attend counseling and make it up to the wife. Even then it doesn't always work. Your husband is still having an emotional affair, if not a physical one AND making you feel bad for it! What an arsehole. You're so much better off without him. (Family can be annoyingly misguided when it comes to divorce)

Ladybugzrock · 15/10/2022 09:54

Reconciliation with a cheat involves complete transparency, honesty, remorse and crucially no contact with the affair partner.

Your husband is giving you none of those things.

He is still in an active affair.

Two books you need to read right now... 'leave a cheat gain a life' and 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair'

The first will help you see this more clearly. It'll help you stop blaming yourself and your reactions. The second is a short guide to everything a remorseful cheat should do to help you heal from the trauma AND become a safe partner for you.

Knowledge is power.

Quite frankly atm the reason you are so confused and anxious is that you are not safe. Emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually. You can not sustain so you need to protect yourself.

I would also seek legal advice and discuss a separation.

None of this is your fault.

EndlessMagpies · 15/10/2022 09:54

You're not the horrible one at all. He is.

He keeps telling you it is all your fault because it makes him feel better if he blames you for the breakdown of the marriage, instead of it being because shagged someone else.

It is over, isn't it? There's no coming back when someone absolutely refuses to admit their wrongdoing and blames the innocent party.

PrettyMuchBollocks · 15/10/2022 09:55

Eh? Fuck what your family think/want, they aren’t living with a cheating, gaslighting piece of shit. Seriously, get rid of him op. I ended up in this sort of situation where he’d worn me down and sapped all my confidence/self worth. You do get it all back (plus extra) after you cut them loose and realise just how poisonous they were to your well being. I remember how hard it was to see that then though. It took me two goes at leaving before I was sure, it helped to have a couple of work colleagues I trusted who had my back when it all blurted out one day. I hope you have someone in real life you feel you can trust to give you some support. Good luck.