What exactly is going on?!

[Poppy1013]

Long story cut dramatically short:
husband had an affair with work colleague last year. I found out through emails and up to that point, he was telling me that I was making him unhappy and refused to tell me that he was cheating. Fast forward to now, he is back in the family home and I simply feel like I’m going mad. He is still saying that I am making him unhappy by asking why he is late home from work etc (he is still working with the ex AP). He withholds affection, won’t comfort me when I’m upset (found out that they’re still following each other on a running app), because he says that every time I have said that I cannot see how our marriage can recover from this, he has grown further away from me. He said the other night that to make our marriage work, I will just have to bite my tongue and all the while I’m thinking, how on earth did I get here! We have children and my family seem pretty set on me taking him back, for example when we talk about him leaving again, he says well I will talk to your family and that makes me feel awful.
I have my own career and before people would have said I was confident and independent but now I just think I’m a horrible person!

And... please don't listen to your family.

This is your safety we're talking about here.

Let her have him. I honestly don't think you want him anyway. I think from the tone of your posts that you are sad for your children's sake and for the impact on your wider family, but you don't respect him anymore.

You need to think about the impact it is having on YOU. I am sorry he has let you down and continues to do so. I think you need to look at all the financial and make plans to leave.

Yes - I think you’re right about the wanting me to pull the plug. He will ignore me for days and then when I say we can’t live like this, clearly upset, he will say it’s my fault because we just don’t get on and I’m thinking we’ve been married for ten plus years and together for seventeen and this is what it is reduced to.

Don't listen to your family's opinions and feelings about your own. For a start, you're the one who has to live with this situation so of course your own feelings matter 1000 times more than theirs. And sometimes (more often that you'd probably think) families encourage you to keep the status quo as it makes them feel safer, they don't want to rock the boat, they don't know how bad it is for you and worry you'll end up in a worse position etc.

SO.... their opinion isn't relevant or helpful. Just deal with the facts. Your husband has had an affair. He isn't particularly sorry about it. He isn't appalled at his own behaviour and promising he'll make it up to you over a lifetime. No, in fact he's telling you to keep your feelings to yourself, to put up with it, to not tell him when he's upset you, to ignore the fact he's had an affair and is still in close contact with the OP.

In other words, he isn't sorry and he doesn't care about you or your feelings. If he regretted the affair, if he was sorry, he would be bending over backwards to do everything he could to help you to deal with it. He'd be falling over himself to say sorry, hating what he's done to you. He sounds selfish and entitled and utterly uncaring. You deserve better.

That should have said ABOVE your own, not about your own.

Oh hell no, he is shifting the blame on you and in also probably making you feel really insecure. You are not a horrible person, he is. You absolutely deserve better and I’m so sorry he’s making you think otherwise.

OP your life isn't supposed to be like this. Marriage isn't an alter you sacrifice your life on.

You have your own career and identity. He is treating you badly, gaslighting you that these are issues you are creating. You know that's not true.

Kids adapt, they are learning the wrong relationship message at the moment too. Its a lot better to co-parent effectively across two houses than to bring them up in a dysfunctional relationship. You deserve better.

Ignore your family, your happiness isn't a side issue!

Finish it. You are worth fighting for and he couldn’t give a shit.

He's done a right number on you

He cheats. He lies. He continues contact with the other woman. And tells you you're the one destroying it?

If he was showing any sign of remorse I would consider it.

But he's showing you such disdain. He has zero respect for you or your feelings.

Fuck what everyone else thinks. I wouldn't condemn anyone I love to a love less, respect less, dead in the water marriage.

You're better off out and you know it.

Kick him out. He should be apologising and trying to rebuild trust and cutting her off. He's not which means he doesn't care you're broken by it he just wants to go back to normal. And he will resume the affair.

Believe me you are 100% not the 'horrible person' in this relationship. The arrogance of him! He should be on his knees desperate to make this relationship work after what he did and yet here he is controlling you and making you feel you're at fault?! No! He is putting zero effort in to repairing your relationship and treating you with total disrespect.

Take control and end this OP. You tried taking him back and it hasn't worked. Right is on your side and no one will judge you when you end it. Get rid of this cheating loser and claim back your mental health.

Another vote for looking at Chump Lady's website.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP

His behaviour, both the affair and the gaslighting, is absolutely disgusting. Honestly for your own sanity you need to kick him out. You will feel far more in control and your recovery will be much quicker.

You're not a horrible person OP. For the sake of your sanity you do need to end this marriage though. He is acting like he is because IMO he thinks you are not being grateful enough that he is with you. He has not and will not stop cheating on you because why should he? He doesn't care about you one bit....it's all about the ego and you're not feeding his so he will go to those that will...the OW, your parents, anybody that will prove to you what a "great" guy he is and how you are lucky to be with him. The longer you stay the more he will mess with your head. You are worth so much more than him.

He’s angry and resentful because you DARE to have feelings about his behaviour??? What a gaslighting prick. He isn’t interested that you’re unhappy, but is quite pleased to make you responsible for his happiness. Bin him.

Well he had the affair, so he's the only one that can put things right (or at least attempt to). It's up to you to decide what you need him to do to be able to salvage the relationship. It wouldn't be unreasonable to request that he cut all ties to the ow, including changing job. But you need to be firm, set out what you need to happen and if he doesn't agree to it then you need to go through with terminating your marriage.

Bigger picture - is it just that you don't trust him around the ow, or have you lost trust in him in general? On e someone's broken your trust and cheated, it's very hard to ever regain that trust. Especially if the cheat doesn't take repairing the relationship seriously.

I've just read this on another thread and thought of it as relevant...

Rather than think of it as breaking up a family; consider that the BEST thing that you can do for your children is show them that nobody has to tolerate being treated like shit; and people who treat others like shit, have consequences.

Thanks everyone for your messages and advice. I just think and think my family believe that if I had treated my husband better ie. been less grumpy, got in better shape after pregnancy, didn’t stress so much, handled a full time job and family life more seamlessly then I could have made him happy. Everyone always tells me what a great mum I am but I suppose that doesn’t equate to a great wife. My husband was happy before children but since then he hasn’t seemed to like me.

screw Him and fuck what your family think

get your wings back
You had a career ? Start working again
I mean that , whatever happens will be a lot easier if you are earning

rebuild your hobbies and social life
focus on your health

and keep a civil distance and don’t engage

he’s horrible and he won’t change

id get yourself strong and ready to separate

Your family sound very toxic. Please get some individual counselling (on your own) to leave your cheating husband and deal with their awful opinions!

you will get lots of support here, please keep posting 💐

Oh for gods sake.
I am simultaneously so so sad for you whilst cross at you.

IT.

IS.

NOT.

YOUR.

FAULT.

You're not ready. I hope you find the strength to see clearly and leave before you waste too much of your life. Save this thread, keep reading it, one day you'll realise.

Your family sounds toxic.

I hope you can detach from them, make your husband leave and then build up your self-esteem. You deserve to be happy.

I’ve been in exactly your situation OP. To the point I was even grateful every time he came back from whichever new woman he’d been caught with. Our marriage lasted 22 years. I think you know your marriage is over. But you need to decide how and when it ends. Start preparing now - financially, practically and most important, mentally. As MNs would say - get your ducks in a row. And make sure you have supportive people in your life - your family probably aren’t the right ones at this point and may even be worth avoiding until you’re strong enough to call them out on their role in this.

The end came for me when my I realised that I was providing a poor role model of how a wife behaves in a marriage to my teenage DDs. In other words I was showing them that I was condoning my husband’s bad behaviour. A phrase that came back again when I finally consulted a solicitor. Because I’d kept taking him back over many years I couldn’t use adultery as my grounds for divorcing him.

Poppy, you matter, your well-being matters. Your body keeps the score for all this anxiety and trauma you're trying to manage with a unremorseful cheat.

Your family are completely nuts if they want you anywhere near this nasty piece of work.

Read and reread the replies here. Get that book 'leave a cheat and gain a life'.

Nothing you could have done could prevent him from cheating, he will always seek validation and thrills elsewhere. He'll move on from you and no doubt will cheat again because he thinks he's entitled to it!

You can't fix broken and he is.

If you're feeling as though your paralysed with fear please get yourself into counselling.

This is an untenable situation for you to be in!

I'm sending unmumsnetty hugs!

He's trying to push you to leave him so he came blame the breakdown of your marriage on you, like he's blaming you for the state of your marriage, and he can play the victim. But this is all his doing.

Fuck everyone else. You're not happy. He's punishing you. Leave him. In six months/a year you'll feel so much happier for it.

If you don't, I guarantee that in six months/a year you'll be feeling even worse.