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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What exactly is going on?!

141 replies

Poppy1013 · 15/10/2022 09:01

Long story cut dramatically short:
husband had an affair with work colleague last year. I found out through emails and up to that point, he was telling me that I was making him unhappy and refused to tell me that he was cheating. Fast forward to now, he is back in the family home and I simply feel like I’m going mad. He is still saying that I am making him unhappy by asking why he is late home from work etc (he is still working with the ex AP). He withholds affection, won’t comfort me when I’m upset (found out that they’re still following each other on a running app), because he says that every time I have said that I cannot see how our marriage can recover from this, he has grown further away from me. He said the other night that to make our marriage work, I will just have to bite my tongue and all the while I’m thinking, how on earth did I get here! We have children and my family seem pretty set on me taking him back, for example when we talk about him leaving again, he says well I will talk to your family and that makes me feel awful.
I have my own career and before people would have said I was confident and independent but now I just think I’m a horrible person!

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy1013 · 17/10/2022 19:22

Our children are both under five so I fear to disruption it will cause to their lives. They’ve always spent a lot of time with me - I do school pick ups etc and husband has a longer commute and he said he would want at least 50/50 custody which is hard to comprehend as children have hardly ever stayed away for the night.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/10/2022 19:30

Poppy1013

oh your kids are the perfect age for a divorce ! It’s when they are older it gets messy

and 50:50
its an idle threat , I’d be very surprised if he went for it .

everyone is scared and no one takes divorce lightly or easily

Usernameismyname01 · 17/10/2022 19:31

Poppy1013 · 17/10/2022 19:22

Our children are both under five so I fear to disruption it will cause to their lives. They’ve always spent a lot of time with me - I do school pick ups etc and husband has a longer commute and he said he would want at least 50/50 custody which is hard to comprehend as children have hardly ever stayed away for the night.

What he says and what actually happens are piles apart. As you said, he has a longer commute, how will he be able to pick them up/drop off.

Don't be scared of the future, believe me it will work out and if you stay strong and not give him to his demands, you will hold the upper hand and it should be YOU who dictates what he can and can't do with the children.

But first, tell him to fuck the fuck off and get out of you life. Wipe that shot off your shoes xx

Usernameismyname01 · 17/10/2022 19:32

So many typo's - sorry

bigblueyonder · 17/10/2022 19:43

Just remember he is telling you whatever he thinks will keep you doing nothing. He will lie, like when he said he was not having an affair.

He may not have been happy in the marriage but that does not give him permission to sleep with other women!!

The kids will adapt quickly. Stop listening to him and take charge of this situation- right now he is calling all the shots.

ViolinPin · 17/10/2022 20:08

Don't listen to him.

He is trying to frighten you into submission.

He is a very selfish man and very entitled, he clearly thinks he is allowed to treat you any way he wants now, he wants everthing his own way.
You have been living in a dictatorship, he must have always had these traits, but he does not make laws, he obviously thinks his word is law but it's not.

Get yourself to a solicitor, get some advice, he can do the same but he's going to get a shock. This will make him angrier and more determined to get you back in line.

You will argue, you will try to plead for him to reassure you and understand your pain and he will get nastier the more you press.
The sooner you can get to the point of not listening to him, the safer you will be.

If he becomes physical, get him removed by police.

The text today suggests he is speaking with someone (maybe her) trying to get him to pacify you, that means she either doesn't want trouble, she has a partner or she does not want to be blamed in this.

He has shown lack of care, for you and your family, behind this is a self entitled woman who is prepared to intrude in a marriage, I doubt this type of woman would last too long with him, his behaviour since dd has shown exactly what type of man he is.

Original poster
Poppy1013 · 17/10/2022 20:35

Yes, she is also married with children. Husband finds her much more fun than me / she likes to watch the same programmes, she’s got more hobbies than me - difficult one for me that one considering that one of his hobbies can take him out of the house for up to six hours at a time at the weekend. They talked (jokingly of course) about living together where they would just get to do their hobbies and have sex etc. Would love to know how our children fitted into this new life…

OP posts:
Takeitonthechin · 17/10/2022 20:38

Why are you the horrible person, he was the one who cheated on you and the kids, plus he's still having 'contact' through the running app.
WHY do you have to do what your family think you should do, this is your life and no one else can live it for you, are you going to spend the rest of your life wondering where he's been or why he's late, you will end up making yourself ill.
Get rid now and provide a loving home for you and your kids and if your family try to tell you what to do, ask them what they'd do if it happened to them!.... what would they do. Tell them to butt out of your business and get on with their own lives.

Marmitemother · 17/10/2022 20:54

Where does her husband figure in all this? Is he aware of the affair or is she abusing him as your husband is you?

How do you know what your husband and AP discuss? Classic line that he finds her more fun, all cheaters come out with that crap. Wait until life settles down, coparenting with two sets of children, the usual grind of life.

Throw this low life out NOW. It may seem counter intuative but the tougher you are now by doing 180° (others have mentioned it) and start grey rocking him, making your own plans the better and stronger you will feel. Nothing good comes of traumatic bonding. He has manipulated you at every turn. Time to take back YOUR ONE AND ONLY LIFE - make it about you. Nobody needs a little bullying sh*t with no integrity in their life. If he leaves or you throw him out, it will be the best thing in the long run. Ignore his emotional blackmail regarding the children etc. He wasn't thinking of them when he was shagging elsewhere! Find your anger and cut him dead.

Ofcourseshecan · 17/10/2022 21:43

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2022 09:34

HE has destroyed your family unit, not you. He is trying to blame and guilt you for his affair. That's outrageous op. Awful, selfish and unfortunately absolutely typical male behaviour.
How on earth have you got to the stage where you are the one having to please him to make up for his affair?!? This will never stop. He will keep taking more and more, you will give more and more until you're utterly broken. Been there, done that. Leave now. Your children will be fine.

I agree. His behaviour is outrageous.

Original poster
Poppy1013 · 17/10/2022 22:23

Marmitemother · 17/10/2022 20:54

Where does her husband figure in all this? Is he aware of the affair or is she abusing him as your husband is you?

How do you know what your husband and AP discuss? Classic line that he finds her more fun, all cheaters come out with that crap. Wait until life settles down, coparenting with two sets of children, the usual grind of life.

Throw this low life out NOW. It may seem counter intuative but the tougher you are now by doing 180° (others have mentioned it) and start grey rocking him, making your own plans the better and stronger you will feel. Nothing good comes of traumatic bonding. He has manipulated you at every turn. Time to take back YOUR ONE AND ONLY LIFE - make it about you. Nobody needs a little bullying sh*t with no integrity in their life. If he leaves or you throw him out, it will be the best thing in the long run. Ignore his emotional blackmail regarding the children etc. He wasn't thinking of them when he was shagging elsewhere! Find your anger and cut him dead.

Thanks for the advice and support. He told me this when I discovered his affair. He was ‘conflicted’ even then.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 17/10/2022 22:40

Their relationship is based on a fantasy that they could live together and enjoy doing fun hobbies and having sex all day - what wife could compete with that? In the real world people have children, responsibilities, chores.
They must know deep down that living together could not match the fantasy. But maybe it’s time to call bullshit and end this toxic situation.

StarDolphins · 17/10/2022 22:47

He has a zero respect for you. I wouldn’t be able to stay with all his rules. He’s the bad guy, not you. No remorse whatsoever. I couldn’t come back from this.

Ofcourseshecan · 17/10/2022 22:59

Twiglets1 · 16/10/2022 09:22

He and the other woman are both showing you such a lack of respect- no way are they not talking at work but she is still liking his photos on social media.
He is destroying your self confidence and self esteem to the point that you somehow see the situation as your fault. You need to put a stop to this and disengage from him and from the relationship. I’m sorry- he is not your friend and you need to cut him out of your life. Sorry your family aren’t supportive, that’s awful.

I agree. Best of luck, OP. You don’t deserve his gaslighting and contempt. Nor do your children, who are growing up in a poisonous atmosphere. Get him out of your life.

Ofcourseshecan · 17/10/2022 23:01

Poppy1013 · 16/10/2022 22:41

We went to one couples counselling. My husband spent much of the time explaining how the ow understood him and then the counsellor proceeded to tell me that my ‘HW’ was to not talk about my pain or affair for a week and try to have fun with my husband as he ‘wants to fall back in love with me.’ Whilst I’m sitting there thinking well what was blooming wrong with me to start with.

This counsellor was incompetent.

Fraaahnces · 17/10/2022 23:07

When my BF discovered her DH’s “emotional” affair (we all believe otherwise), he decided that he wanted to work on his marriage and chose hid wife, but became angry with her because he “missed” the other woman and resented feeling guilty all the time. They’re still together, and he’s still a soggy twerp.

Bunnyfuller · 17/10/2022 23:10

Your children are a good age for a split to happen. The older they get, the more difficult because they have more complex emotions and voice them loudly!

The joint custody comment - trying to scare you. But even if it weren’t, it’s ok for the kids to have a relationship with him, kids adapt. But I’m sure doing parenting on his own isn’t part of his fantasy, and will disappear without a trace.

Musti · 17/10/2022 23:49

Kick this cheating bastard out of your life. He can have all the sex and hobbies he wants with that other cheating cow whilst they’re juggling kids and work and housework.

You get that gaslighting wanker out of your life and you live your best life. Make sure he does his fair share of everything and you have time to relax and have fun, go out and do your hobbies too. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it.

and don’t listen to your family, I don’t know what planet they’re on

ThisIsMeToooo · 18/10/2022 00:42

He is a nasty callous fucker and he should be out the door. He has rewritten history and he wants not to be seen as the one who breaks the marriage up.

purplerain13 · 18/10/2022 10:02

I divorced when my DC turned 6 & she remembers a bit. Under 5 is much better In my opinion.
They all say 50/50 custody. When it came down to it, exH couldn't manage more than one night a fortnight as DC didn't fit into his new (love)life.

Raseberryberet · 18/10/2022 20:30

OP, in relation to your title, you know exactly what is going on. You have chosen to stay with you husband; have chosen to allow him back into your home and have chosen to allow him to continue working with AP. Did you do the pick me dance when the affair came to light and plead with your husband to stay with you? You are in a relationship where you are full of resentment and where your husband is only with you for convenience. Recovery is possible after an affair but it takes a lot of hard work from both parties. This isn’t possible from your husband’s side as he is obviously still hung up on his af and you appear very dismissive of his comments in therapy and of the therapist’s advice. You must know deep down that your marriage is over. Leave now whilst you are still young enough to start over. The moment your youngest child turns 18 - he won’t be seen for dust.

Confusedwife10 · 18/10/2022 21:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ViolinPin · 18/10/2022 21:59

@Confusedwife10

Is that a name fail op.

If you are the poster, you are right, he is re writing history, no need for another thread.

100% right.

Flowers
Original poster
Poppy1013 · 18/10/2022 22:19

Yes, you’re right.
A right mess and one in which I am currently residing! Hope I’m strong enough to do something about it soon.

OP posts:
QueueEtwo · 18/10/2022 23:10

This is such a painful read!

Please just kick him to the kerb! Let him go & try to live his fantasy life while having the kids 50/50!

Despicable man! How can you even bare to look at him!