What exactly is going on?!

[Poppy1013]

Long story cut dramatically short:
husband had an affair with work colleague last year. I found out through emails and up to that point, he was telling me that I was making him unhappy and refused to tell me that he was cheating. Fast forward to now, he is back in the family home and I simply feel like I’m going mad. He is still saying that I am making him unhappy by asking why he is late home from work etc (he is still working with the ex AP). He withholds affection, won’t comfort me when I’m upset (found out that they’re still following each other on a running app), because he says that every time I have said that I cannot see how our marriage can recover from this, he has grown further away from me. He said the other night that to make our marriage work, I will just have to bite my tongue and all the while I’m thinking, how on earth did I get here! We have children and my family seem pretty set on me taking him back, for example when we talk about him leaving again, he says well I will talk to your family and that makes me feel awful.
I have my own career and before people would have said I was confident and independent but now I just think I’m a horrible person!

He doesn’t care about you or your feelings or about how this is affecting your children(it most definitely is) he’s a selfish prick, get rid!

Jeezo op, why are you putting up with this shit? And he is still working with his AP? Fuck. That. You need to end this charade of a relationship for your kids sake as well as your own.

Please get rid. He doesn't like you, never mind love you

Keep this in your thoughts OP.

Your family sound horrid. Ignore them.

He and the other woman are both showing you such a lack of respect- no way are they not talking at work but she is still liking his photos on social media.
He is destroying your self confidence and self esteem to the point that you somehow see the situation as your fault. You need to put a stop to this and disengage from him and from the relationship. I’m sorry- he is not your friend and you need to cut him out of your life. Sorry your family aren’t supportive, that’s awful.

Another one saying get rid of him.

He doesn't want to be the bad guy who split up the family so he wants you to do it.
Then he can be the poor guy who was kicked out of his family home and nobody will begrudge him a new partner.

He is not looking for the healthiest outcome here.
He is not looking to respect you.
He is looking for an outcome where he wont be to blame.

He is a mean spiteful coward. Do yourself an favour op. Start moving on .

Yea, I think and have thought most likely all along that was his plan. He didn’t want to leave amongst the initial storm of the affair as then he would have to tell his family etc about what he had done but this way he can say oh we just weren’t getting on, and she asked me to leave. He will say things like I do love you but I find it hard to like you and then I have to go and sit with him at a family dinner and just feel awful.
Thanks everyone for your replies.

Tell your family. Tell his family. What have you got to lose?
He's got a hell of a lot more to be embarrassed about than you. Why are you protecting him to make him look good at your own expense?

What bullshit - I find it hard to love you - when he’s the cheat!!

Hard to like you rather

Tell your family that you took him
back after he had an affair but that he has shown no remorse and is not being nice to you, you don’t trust him
so are ending the marriage.
tell the truth.

Op I’ve had a few therapists

one identified it was EA but I was too scared to leave so stopped with her
one totally didn’t acknowledge it !!
i wish I could clone my therapist now and give her to everyone as she’s awesome

you need someone to push you up and make you realise that this man is a total and utter cxxt

and whilst it’s not easy (it’s not , it’s tough ) you can and will have a happier life x

@Poppy1013 Cripes what a self entitled pr*ck you DH is. How dare he be so disrespectful. I very much hope you have booted him out the marital bedroom if not asked him to leave the house and find alternative accommodation.

His affair is obviously still going on and he appears to be rubbing your nose in it (still working with AP, still linked on social media etc).

FIND YOUR ANGER, turn the tables on him. Tell everyone he's carrying on with another woman and expecting you to put up with it, using family money on her etc. Why the hell are you keeping his dirty little secret? Affairs thrive on secrecy you need to out his. I would remove my wedding rings, give him an ultimatum to end it and show you he has through actions. Anyone can claim an affair is over.

There's nothing wrong at all with forgiving an affair it's a completely valid choice. Equally valid to separating . However the very requirement is for the person who has committed adultery shows contrition. Genuine heartfelt sorrow for the pain they have caused and a genuine wish to do 'whatever it takes' to repair the damage they have caused.

Your husband seems to be having his cake and banqueting on it. ... he "works a few feet away from his AP ??" ..

I would be very very clear with him. He leaves this employment. It doesn't matter if he earns gazillions . If he's good then he will be snapped up soon enough. Not your concern though. This is entirely of his own making. If he refuses then you divorce him. You give him that ultimatum.

Next you go and see your parents and tell them. Take the wind out of his threats by telling them first. No need for drama just be factual. Mum Dad. DH has been having an affair with x at his work. I agreed not to divorce him on the condition he leaves. If he thinks more of the OW than me and DC he will stay.

Shut that blame game right down , place it right back in his court... and stop keeping his dirty secrets for him.

If he does leave his job. You could see if it improves things. If it doesn't, divorce him anyway.

I think there are a lot of us who have lived through something very similar unfortunately. I don't suppose that is much comfort but it does mean that a lot of people on here know exactly how you are feeling.

Please do not waste any more of your one and only, precious life on him. He is not doing what needs to be done to repair the marriage and you can't do it alone. I would suggest Relate purely as an avenue for you to talk to someone impartial. I expect he'll refuse, which adds weight to your decision to end the marriage.

I also very much doubt that the affair has ended. I'm sorry, but I don't see anything in his behaviour that suggests that has happened. Be clever and catch him out, if it is important to you that you can end the marriage for a 'reason' (you don't need another one but I also didn't want him to be able to say that I'd asked him to leave for no reason).

Good luck. Wipe that smug look off his face. He thinks you'll take it all, that he can do what he wants, so it's time to disavow him of that notion. You already know where he'll go, so prepare for that too. You'll be fine. Alone is better than spending your life with someone who treats you with contempt.

“Your family sounds toxic.

I hope you can detach from them, make your husband leave and then build up your self-esteem. You deserve to be happy.”

It’s very hard when those who should have your back let you down in this way. It sounds like your family is rampantly sexist and think the man should always come first, and you have absorbed lots of unhelpful messages.

But in the end, you might have to accept that they’re going to look askance at you and proceed regardless. It sounds like this marriage is dead. Your husband is being a prick but he won’t take responsibility for the breakdown of your marriage and you can’t make him do so. So just do what’s best for you and it sounds like what’s best for you is leaving this marriage behind.

Fuck that shit, get rid of him.

He's the one who's fucked your family up, if anyone else has a different opinion set them straight immediately by letting them know he's the shitebag, then hold your head up high and do what's best for YOU and your children.
Life is too short to waste time on dicks like this.

He is an evil and disrespectful man. Stop being nice - start telling everyone why you are so unhappy with this adulterer, then kick the disloyal little fucker out. He is abusing you with this cruel treatment - get angry OP.

Your family are being outrageous! Mine would fully support me with telling him what a bloody disgrace he is. I can’t believe he’s gaslighting you into believing this is YOUR fault, he’s a fucking joke! Don’t allow him to try to change round the blame, he is making you believe you’re at fault when he’s working feet away from the OW and they’re following each other on social media. He wants you to allow him to do as he pleases and not whinge. Time for a change, @Poppy1013 he is behaving disgracefully.

He is a disgrace. He did this, not you.

Kick him out.

Kick him out - but TELL him it is because of his affair, so he is in absolutely no disillusion about WHY.

You will be fine, not straight away but you will be.

This was similar to my situation, now 6 years later I have a lovely new life, new home, career back and a fantastic person who loves me. I was married 20 years, we were together nearly 24.

Thanks for the virtual support everyone. My best friends are saying the same and trying to keep me held up through what is such a destabilising experience. The man I trusted with me love, had children with, travelled the world with (went on long haul flights curled up together watching films and the world go by) will look me dead in the eye and say yeah I smiled in photos, doesn’t mean I was happy then. This was in response to why did you have an affair. And when he’s particularly upset that I am daring to question why he’s continuing to work with the AP, he’ll revert I’m controlling. Yes, I wasn’t so good at this controlling basis when you were able to have an affair right under my nose for months. Yes, it is clear why I am feeling absolutely lost at sea.

Have you ever read Watermelon by Marian Keyes? Because the husband has an affair and then acts like this.

He's trying to break your spirit. Emotionally abusive.

Would he do couple's therapy?

@Adelyra as you say, he’s abusive. Why the hell would op want to do couples therapy with him??? From her description he’s an utter shit, and she’d be far better lining up a shl, and then having therapy for herself to try and mitigate some of the damage he’s done to her psychologically. This is way past recovery.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I love reading so will have a look soon. Shamefully, I have already read Leave a Cheater… and I know if someone was describing this situation to me, I would be aghast and wonder how on earth but I grew up without a complete family unit and I just never foresaw this for my own children. Sorry if this sounds pitiful - it really isn’t supposed to be.

We went to one couples counselling. My husband spent much of the time explaining how the ow understood him and then the counsellor proceeded to tell me that my ‘HW’ was to not talk about my pain or affair for a week and try to have fun with my husband as he ‘wants to fall back in love with me.’ Whilst I’m sitting there thinking well what was blooming wrong with me to start with.