What exactly is going on?!

[Poppy1013]

Long story cut dramatically short:
husband had an affair with work colleague last year. I found out through emails and up to that point, he was telling me that I was making him unhappy and refused to tell me that he was cheating. Fast forward to now, he is back in the family home and I simply feel like I’m going mad. He is still saying that I am making him unhappy by asking why he is late home from work etc (he is still working with the ex AP). He withholds affection, won’t comfort me when I’m upset (found out that they’re still following each other on a running app), because he says that every time I have said that I cannot see how our marriage can recover from this, he has grown further away from me. He said the other night that to make our marriage work, I will just have to bite my tongue and all the while I’m thinking, how on earth did I get here! We have children and my family seem pretty set on me taking him back, for example when we talk about him leaving again, he says well I will talk to your family and that makes me feel awful.
I have my own career and before people would have said I was confident and independent but now I just think I’m a horrible person!

I’m sorry you have to put up with this.

Just tell him to go, he doesn’t respect you, he is belittling you and bullying.

Your family sound very unsupportive too - listen to your friends.

Tell him to leave. He won’t want 50/50 it’s all talk.

I really feel for you. From your posts it sounds like he’s quite a selfish person and he resented your attention being diverted to the children. You say you travelled the world together and had a great time until the kids and that he and her have fantasised about just having time to do the easy fun carefree things they like. While that must have been so painful to know it is quite telling - if he is the sort of man who is happy when it’s fun and sexy and easy and he’s getting all the attention it makes sense that your relationship would have gone downhill after having kids.

If all that is true it speaks to a man who hasn’t really matured because he resents not being number one as he used to be.

Update: a lot of you gave me courage to go and speak to my mum about the way my husband was treating me. For example, today he bought me flowers but has failed to say more than five words to me the whole day. I mean, it is the most disconcerting period of my life. Going back to my mum, I told her some of the things my husband was saying like he didn’t like me. She was pretty evasive and didn’t at once call him out on anything really in our conversation. I went away feeling so dejected. Tonight; I look at my husband’s phone - I haven’t done this in about a month but it was lying on the sofa and I picked it up. There is a message from my mum saying thanks for lending me the money. I look at the thread and he has lent her 200 pounds some time in the last two weeks. He walks in while I’m trying to digest this; I say you lent my mum money and didn’t say. He goes yeah, takes try e phone off me and walks out. I honestly feel like I’m in some sort of vortex.

WTF? He says you're not begging him? No man whose guilty of an affair deserves his DW to beg him to stay. If he really thinks you should be that desperate to hold onto him then he's an arse and a totally up himself. I'd beg him to leave

I really feel like I’m drowning in his dislike for me, his dishonesty, the way he tells me nothing.
He says he acts this way because of how I am ie so difficult but he is one deceiving me at every turn.

So your happiness is worth £200 quid to her? I'd bin both of them off. He has played a right number with you hasn't he? Seize back the power OP and get rid. You have your friends supporting you. Show him what you are worth to yourself, OW is welcome to him.

God - if only it was that easy.

Poppy, I hardly ever lose my temper. But right now I want to kill your cheating, contemptuous, gaslighting husband!

He said the other night that to make our marriage work, I will just have to bite my tongue

My tongue is not what I'd be biting, in your situation. For god's sake, or rather yours and your children's sake, get this rotten man out of your lives.

Your children are young enough to adapt quickly. And would you really want them to grow up thinking this miserable life is normal? Your mother has foolishly put herself in debt to him. That's her problem. Don't let her influence you any more.

God your posts are depressing.

He's really done a number on you and your family. At least now you know you can't rely on your mum.

Listen to your friends. Is this how you want your kids to see you? This is what they'll base their own relationships on.

Also under five is a good age to adjust. My youngest was under five when I split with ex dh. I think they found it easier than anyone else.

What do you want from this thread? It's clear to everyone he's treating you appallingly. It's tantamount to emotional abuse. Certainly untenable.

Do you need practical support? Emotional support? What can we do?

I find these threads hard because it's like watching someone being tortured when they have the chance to escape but don't.

I know this - if this was someone else in this situation - I too would be exasperated but the things is when you are worn down, told you are the problem, this is why he acts like this because of how I am, it is very difficult to feel strong.

What do you want?

What would you say to a friend in this situation?

No one can help you if you don't want it.

OP, you need to stop being a victim, you are posting on multiple threads complaining about your husband and then completely the invaluable advice you are being offered. What exactly are you hoping to achieve? You need to be strong for you and your son. Enough of the ‘I feel like a horrible person’ - you are going to let a fresh chance at life pass you by if you continue to martyr yourself for the benefit of no one. You have agency!

Yes, you are all right. I hope to move forward soon. Day to day, I am getting by, it just seems like there’s one thing after another but it won’t always be like that, hopefully.

Holy shit OP- fuck the lot of them. Next time you get the silent treatment do nothing to get conversation going again. And go and see a solicitor. I'm sure he'll have something to say when divorce papers come through the post. You owe him absolutely nothing! Then ignore the hell out of him....

You need to confront your mother and then go no contact. Her behaviour alone is disgusting never mind that of your manipulative gaslighting, stonewalling husband. What a toxic situation of shut up and put up you are in. Try to stay strong and work out what you can do to find some resolution from this appalling situation.

Struggling with the dishonesty from everyone!