What exactly is going on?!

[Poppy1013]

Long story cut dramatically short:
husband had an affair with work colleague last year. I found out through emails and up to that point, he was telling me that I was making him unhappy and refused to tell me that he was cheating. Fast forward to now, he is back in the family home and I simply feel like I’m going mad. He is still saying that I am making him unhappy by asking why he is late home from work etc (he is still working with the ex AP). He withholds affection, won’t comfort me when I’m upset (found out that they’re still following each other on a running app), because he says that every time I have said that I cannot see how our marriage can recover from this, he has grown further away from me. He said the other night that to make our marriage work, I will just have to bite my tongue and all the while I’m thinking, how on earth did I get here! We have children and my family seem pretty set on me taking him back, for example when we talk about him leaving again, he says well I will talk to your family and that makes me feel awful.
I have my own career and before people would have said I was confident and independent but now I just think I’m a horrible person!

Poppy1013

i actually want to ban that relationship
counsellor from BEING ALIVE

they really suck

mine suggested my ex was ‘passionate and cared’

no , he was abusive and angry

WTF?

@Poppy1013 this is all about him controlling the situation to continue cake eating. He has zero respect for you and as you showed him no consequences as a result of having an affair, what reason does he have to stop?

You probably feel helpless, heartbroken and the current situation is intolerable, toxic and stressful. What is your financial situation? Do you work, do you own or rent? How old are your children?

Could you turn the table on him and tell him it is over and throw him out? It may not be what you ultimately want and perhaps IF he stopped affair and was prepared to work on your marriage you may even consider taking him back but nothing will change in his little arrangement until you take action.

If it were me, regardless of the ending I'd be finding my anger and telling family to butt out. I'd be bursting his indulgent little cheating bubble by confronting his AP and even contacting his boss. You certainly don't owe him any loyalty at all. He is treating you appallingly. Affairs only thrive on secrecy and fact he is emotionally blackmailing threatening to tell your family shows he is the one thinking HE holds all the power. Take it back woman! Rock his boat by being proactive not reactive. He is currently depending on your compliance to continue this affair.

Do 180°: lynnbusch.com/180-save-marriage/ - grey rock him and protect yourself.

This is a very common scenario.

Your confidence has been shot, must feel very unsafe and obviously feel shell shocked in how cruel your h is being. There is no question that he is not being abusive, he is.

His purpose at the moment is to shame you so you are silenced, shamed into accepting the status quo, he is riding high with his ego and has lost touch with any sense of right or wrong, his moral compass is fucked.
You are waiting to see if that sense or compassion returns, how will you feel if it does, are you hoping that if he see the light you will then punish him ? because at the moment it appears any punishment would not even bother him, he is occupied with another and his ego.

I understand you feel weak, he does too, he knows exactly what he is doing and it is exeptionally cruel, you must feel battered, exhausted and must believe he is trying to destroy you. He may not even understand how this behaviour will change you fundamentally and your relationship, he maybe deluded in the fact that he may believe your love will never end for him.

We know how this feels, bouncing from anger to depression, unable to make a move for fear of exploding the family and your entire way of life, and it's this he is banking on. Your reticence in blowing everything up.

I would suggest taking things step by step, understand your depression is sadness energy turned in on yourself, the anger is outward energy, pick your times to act. He's making you ill, so self care and understand anger burns itself out so ride out the sad bits and protect yourself more.

You know you need to act in some way, for starters, no sleeping together, no cooking, cleaning of his stuff, no helping his life, get out and leave the children with him, prepare him with a taster of having shared childcare. I would stop contact with his family, if they ask tell them the ow can visit them, he takes the children to see grandparents himself. This is what separate lives look like and this is what he is pushing you into.
You ask your family not to speak with him, he is a liar and is trying to get them on side and allienate you.
Grey rock him, he is no longer your friend, treat him as a stranger, just as he is treating you, you must enforce some boundaries, even though you feel so weak.
I also do think reading up on narcissists is quite valuable in these situations.

Go to the Gp (preferably female) many understand this is one of life's most traumatic events and will log this down as potentially abusive, get percriptions if tolerable or needed. Make a solicitors appointment, an initial appointment and find solo councilling for you.
Take council with those that support you, disregard the rest and do not feel bad about that, now is the time to be selfish, put your needs and wants above others, if they do not understand that is their problem, you need your strength.

You have a battle on your hands an awful fucking time, wouldn't wish it on anyone, don't let anyone negate that pain or minimise it on your behalf.

Keep posting, you will find astonishing advice on her at every turn if needs be.
Take care.

And remember there is no shame in being a kind, honest and moral person, he chose to react like this to your pain, take no shame or blame.
If he tries to cut you down or if others do, come here we will build you up.

x

This is very sound advice!!

Maybe one way to think about this what would happen if you had an affair with a colleague, still work with them, follow each other on sm and then told your dh to shut up and put up because you were not happy so it is all his fault. I am fairly sure he would have bailed, making sure everyone knew you were the cheater.

You are better a rock and a hard place but your dh is not even trying to make up for the damage his has done. He is not even sorry. He is trying to force your hand so you 'split up the family', which is what he chose to do when he had an affair.

Is it worth evening speaking to a divorce solicitor quietly to just start getting a feel for options. Take a friend for moral support.

Thanks everyone. Your advice is holding me up and helping me see through some of the craziness. Anytime I bring up anything to do with my pain, his work situation, the fact the OW had booked ab STD appointment but yet my husband vehemently denies they slept together, I am met with you can’t just leave it, you win, we don’t get on, when do you want me to leave, you haven’t even tried, don’t apportion blame to me. That last one really got me. Yes, he wants me to be to e bag guy truly and utterly and I do feel like one!

So he is spineless as well as unfaithful. Until
he says sorry I cannot see how you can move on. Do you know the OW? Can you ask her outright whether they were sleeping together or still are? If she is invested in this relationship she may not be happy knowing your husband is in denial to you.

He knows he has done wrong and has resorted to the 'it's wasn't me' playbook. Rise above it and do what needs to be done to make you happy.

Why, just why, didn't you respond 'now' to when do you want me to leave?

He’s a selfish, gaslighting wanker, who broke up the family home. Do not tolerate another minute of it and get divorce rolling. He is rubbing your face in it and making you feel guilty for being affected by it. You have nothing to apologise for, and in a very few years you will be pleased you stopped enabling his bullshit.

lord, it’s bad enough they cheat, but why do they have to be such nasty bastards about it.Show the twat this thread.

Get your yourself some legal advice, make sure you have evidence of earnings, savings, pensions etc, and tell him to leave.
It doesn't matter who calls an end to this relationship, it clearly isn't working. You don't trust him and he is a callous liar. That won't change. He is being quite cruel, and I don't think there is any point in you discussing it further with him. He is not going to give you what you need, he is not going to be honest, or accept responsibility for his shady behaviour, and he clearly does not care about you any more. He sounds quite horrible, and I know that is sad for you, and you have had some good times together, but he is not that person anymore.
It is not going to improve, and you will not be able to trust him again.
Your family might not fully understand what he has done, but they don't have to approve of what you do. If they are decent they will help you whether they think you are justified or not, and tbh I think most families would support a daughter who has been cheated on, and whose husband says he doesn't like her. If they don't, you can manage alone. But I suspect you have not actually told them what has been going on, and you have his version of what they might think.

Don't mention your pain OP. He doesn't like or want to hear cos either he is such an entitled prick OR it makes his guilt feel worse. He knows what he is doing and any thoughts about your feelings are no where on his agenda.

You are not the bad guy, there is nothing wrong with struggling to cope with what he is doing to you by his appalling behaviour. When men are having affairs, their behaviour changes so drastically you wonder if they have been taken over by the devil.

Sadly the level of contempt he is currently showing you suggests the realationship is beyond repair. Please for your self preservation take some of the steps mentioned up the thread by myself and others.

Just tell him you are not tolerating this level of abuse and cruelty and he needs to leave. He can tell family what the hell he wants but needs to go to give you some head space.

I was in exactly the same position and came to conclusion I had nothing to lose as being alone was far better than being his victim. I kicked him into touch, dumped his stuff at work and blocked him. It was the best thing I'd ever done after a year of similar type treatment. Please gather your self respect, get some anger and tell him to go to hell. You are not there as his domestic, cook, bottlewasher, banker etc whilst he gets to do what the hell he likes.

If you know AP, confront her. Is she married? Doubtful she will want her business exposed (she obviously knew he was married) then she too may have much to lose also.

This disgusting situation cannot go on it is not good for your health. He is abusing you.

He dislikes you intensely now. The reason is that he has no respect for you. The reason he has no respect for you is because you let him walk all over you. Ironically, if you got angry, as you absolutely should be, and pulled him up on his abhorrent behaviour, he would actually like you more.

You say you're doing it 'for the kids'. Make no mistake - staying with him is the worst thing you could do for them.

arethereanyleftatall

he doesn’t have respect for her because he’s a piece of total shit . He’s a cheat and a bully and he probably deep down hates women (maybe !)

how dare you victim blame and write something like that? As if his respect is even a desirable commodity .
ugh

Your family don't have to deal with his bullshit. Chuck him out, for your sanity and self respect. Surely it's better to be alone, than lonely and gaslight in your marriage. With your own career, you will rebuild your life x

You've misunderstood or not read the thread.

We all have the same goal, to get the op away from this peace of shit.

If you read her responses, you'll notice she is ignoring everything.

I was trying a different tack.

How old are the kids?

When I told mine (children) I was unhappy and divorcing their dad, they said Thank god for that, both of you were bloody miserable and then they moved on.

Been there, done that! They say sorry when they get caught and then start telling you a week later that you need to let it go and get over it. You don't need to do anything! If he is still in touch with her and totally disregarding your feelings, you need to finish it. He is the one that has broken your family and telling you that you were making him unhappy is his justification!

Finish it. You will regret it in the future if you don't and you are so much stronger than you think

arethereanyleftatall

ive been here
op often ignore comments and questions , not just this thread

but she’s here and reading

I felt it was unkind

It wasn't intended to be unkind whatsoever. Absolutely the opposite.

He's a coward and a bully. And you're worth so much more.

Poppy listen, you're not helping yourself right now, you're so focused on him, and what he says, you're failing to protect yourself, you're letting yourself down.

This dialogue where he continues to abuse you by minimising, deflecting, gaslighting and manipulating does NOT need to happen. You do not need to listen.

I realise that you're struggling but you need to fake it till you make it, play strong even if you don't feel it. You need to stop engaging. Stop listening. Get some space.

There's a strategy called the '180' on the surviving infidelity website. It's a strategy that is around getting space and clearing your head.

I'd prefer it if you kicked this nasty p.o.s out but you're frozen atm.

Clearing your head by refusing to engage in his bs might help you see the wood for the trees.

I've seen this kind of behaviour before and believe you and me he will ALWAYS be a risk to you and the well-being of your family.

He. Is. Not. A. Safe. Partner!

Why should your life be about making your DH happy? Forget that.

Does he make you happy? No.
Does he love and support you? No
Is he faithful? No
Is he kind and encouraging? No
Does he have your back? No

Ask yourself why do you stay? If the answer isn't that he makes you happy, leave.

Thanks everyone. I am here and reading all the advice. I know, you’re right, I do feel stuck. Every time my husband says our poor children, you’ve won, you don’t make me happy, we just don’t get on, I feel bereft at the end of our family as I knew it. I just can’t reconcile this state of a marriage with our relationship as I knew it. But this is the reality, I know that. Today he sent me a message from work, usually he says he’s too busy, one line talking about how cold the weather is. It is just so demeaning when know they see each other every day.