My mum controlling Christmas

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I'd say my mum manages to control the narrative of what happens a lot in life and the thing that's getting me down is Christmas

A bout a month she said "I told you our plans for Xmas didn't I?"
I said "no?"and honestly I believe she knew she hadn't told me. But because we were visiting my gran and my aunty was milling around the house I think she chose to tell me the plan in a sort of middle ground scenario.
So anyway she said her and my dad were going to a certain lovely hotel in a city and it was just what they wanted to do by themselves. Except it's not actually by themselves.
I asked who was going she said "well just me and dad and then I imagine (my brother+ partner) and (my aunt+partner) since they are in this city.
So I feel hurt because it's like the closest people in my family all getting together except me and my husband + kids.

So I spoke to my brother about it who thought we were going and when I told him no we weren't invited he did seem miffed about it. He told me he had confirmed with mum about a month previous to this conversation so her saying she imagined theyd go was just bollocks since she's already booked the place for lunch.
Then came the information that my mum had told my brother me and DH we're having Xmas with DH's parents which is just not true and has never been discussed.
I think she fed that to my brother so he'd agree to go to the hotel with my parents thinking I was already in some other Xmas arrangement.
( If it was just my mum and dad going I'd have invited my brother to my house for Christmas lunch)

Basically, I just feel hurt it seems like we've been excluded. Even when I asked her why she said to my brother about us being with the in-laws she said "I told him I THOUGHT you were doing that". But she had never made any conversation with me to ask what we were doing and didn't ask if we wanted to go to the hotel.

I have attachment issues from being a teen when they decided to move abroad and I stayed in the UK from 15 yrs old. I honestly haven't really gotten over if and I am always seeking more of a relationship with them than I get.

I'm just sad today.

I'm not surprised you're feeling sad. What a horrible stunt to pull. Can you ask her about it, explain how it feels from your perspective?

Its ok to feel sad but I would start to find your anger here as well.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours here appears to be that of the scapegoat. As a result all of your own family unit get scapegoated as well. Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. You may want to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and read the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Your parents have failed you abjectly. You do not mention all that much about dad but is he her "yes" man/willing enabler/bystander to her ill treatment of you as her daughter?. It could well be so.

Why did they go abroad when you were 15?.

She's very manipulative. I think you need to try to take a step back from her for your own sanity. Don't let your self worth be dictated by her. It's easier said than done I know, but she'll only continue to make you feel bad. You are worth more than her. What she's done is horrible, sorry.

Thanks you for the replies.

Yes I don't mention dad because my mum always makes the arrangements in this kind of thing. My mum will have told my dad the same thing she told my brother and he will just take it as fact (well who wouldn't when it's delivered to him in that way) and he probably won't realise until the day. My brother is likely to mention how we aren't in fact with my in laws and then my dad will quizz my mum and then she will get angry..
So yes he probably is a bit of a yes man because no one wants to feel the wrath of my mum.

My dad got a job overseas after being made redundant that's why they went but I was a very young minded teen. I didn't have the capacity to understand what it meant when I said I didn't want to go and they really didn't push me to!

If things don't go mums way or if I sometimes call her out on stuff she just goes silent. There was something a few months back she did and it led to us not talking for a few weeks.
I think there's been a bit of tension with her siblings recently too because she has POA and has been dealing with my elderly grandparents who have needed a lot of help recently. But mum dictates what happens and I think her sister and brother shave had a small taste of what she is truly like.

I tried to mention it to my mum about Christmas by asking her why she told my brother the incorrect info and she just got all defensive with still no invite forthcoming so I didn't want to keep it going. It would feel a bit pathetic now if she said come if you like because it's clear she just wants her day to be a certain way with certain people.
They do look after my son a day a week but if she falls out with me she doesn't send photos through and stuff and there's just lots of little things surrounding it that make it all awkward. (We don't rely on him going there btw they suggested they had him so we agreed).

Yes manipulative is the very word. 100%
It is hard because I long for a relationship with them and we do go to their house for dinners and stuff and it's all happy and fine until she does things like this.
When I was younger she used to control via money/gift giving etc.

Yes I do need to take a step back but it is also difficult because I am close to all my extending family and so is she everything is very intertwined. I'd say the one person who knows what's she slike is my granny who is my dad's mum

You will have to give up on any and all hope they will change. They cannot and will not give you what you want; they are not built that way and its not your fault.
As long as you yourself long for a relationship with them your mother will continue to dump you and or yank your chain.

I would also now stop the one day a week childcare arrangement with your mother. Put your child in nursery instead; you can sell it to her that she will have a day free to do as she pleases. You were railroaded into that as well by her; it's all about what she wants here.

Your mother is not an emotionally safe person to be around. If a parent or relative is too difficult/toxic or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, it's the same deal for your child also. Keep away from her and your dad too.

The Stately Homes threads on this board might be useful to you OP, lots of posters on there living with this dynamic and you will find lots of support and understanding there

I think Attila has great advice here, and I second the recommendation to check out the Stately Homes thread. I'm sorry you've been let down by your parents so badly. It's obviously a bigger issue than this Christmas.

“I would also now stop the one day a week childcare arrangement with your mother. Put your child in nursery instead; you can sell it to her that she will have a day free to do as she pleases. You were railroaded into that as well by her; it's all about what she wants here.

Your mother is not an emotionally safe person to be around. If a parent or relative is too difficult/toxic or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, it's the same deal for your child also. Keep away from her and your dad too.”

This here is really good advice OP. Untangle your life from hers. Stop hankering for a relationship that she is unable to provide.

Can you invite your brother to your house for the day after Christmas? So you get to celebrate with immediate family. Sorry, it sounds like the dynamic with your mum really sucks

Forget what everyone else thinks - what do you want to do for Christmas? You can have it at home, invite the in laws, issue an invite for anyone not going on the trip, go away yourselves, possibly visit in laws/other family.

Decide what you and DH want and then do it. Issue invites if you wish to invite people, they can choose what they do. Have a good time. Let them get on with it.

I know but it is so hard. We have a 11 month old they are going to have the same day as our first born when I go back in January and the thing is, my son who currently goes always has tonnes of fun with them. They send videos and they do a lot with him and he loves them a lot.
The thing is they can be great. They can be very generous. There's long stints where nothing is wrong and we have a lot of fun etc
My dad is a great speaker and has lots of interesting tales to tell and adventures he's been on. I like being a part of that.
They host big parties and stuff and I know they do love me.
But there are definitely aspects which are not right, for sure.
I will have a look at the stately homes thread now and I will check out the books too that Attila mentioned

Yes we'll this is what we are doing. We are just having it as a family of four.
I'm just a bug liver if Christmas and love big family Christmases whereas DH isn't overly fussed. So I think I'm jealous that my family will be having lots of fun and ours will be pretty tame!

you can sell it to her that she will have a day free to do as she pleases

I did actually say to her I could put D's in nursery because she was saying how busy she was with all the stuff with my grandparents. And form filling getting care sorted for them and stuff and she said no because having him was the one day she really loved and looked forward to.
She really does dote on my son.

This is triangulation I think, isn’t it? Where she tries to control everybody’s relation with each other by engineering things so that you always find that you have to go via her to socialise with other family members.

I think my approach would be to have a very calm but firm conversation when other people are in the room so that she can’t bullshit her way out of it. But you really do need to be able to deal with the awkwardness, not get flustered, not get angry and just repeat facts. Don’t allow yourself to be led away from the point at hand. I’d wait until such a time as your aunty and/or your brother are actually in the room and just say “mum, what is going on with Christmas? I’m hearing that you’ve told everyone else that we told you we already have plans with DH’s family but that’s not true. Why have you arranged a Christmas lunch for everyone except me and my family? And if it’s a genuine mistake, how come you didn’t ask to add us to the booking when you realised we weren’t actually going to DH’s parents’?” Don’t let her wriggle off the hook. Tell her that it looks like she is deliberately excluding you from a family Christmas and has actually lied to the others to get them to unknowingly collude in it.

Just fucking call her out. In front of other people.

You say you have attachment issues and want more of a relationship with them. I’m trying to put this kindly so please don’t take offence, but do you think that sometimes you may be a little too much, or too full on? I agree what she’s done and the it was done is shitty though.

What your mother has done here is quite a shocking thing to do to your own child and grandchildren. And the fact that no-one in your family is shocked speaks volumes about her behaviour in the past. You talk about the children having a great relationship with your parents and you don't want to stop that, but by your mothers own actions (and your dad's actually - when he found out he did nothing) she doesn't want your children there on Christmas day? I'd maybe think more about that fact. She's not just doing this to you, shes also doing it to your family, and making a bloody big statement about your place in her life.

It is really hard. I recognise in your words that you are not far enough down this path to make the changes suggested yet. You still have hope in your parents and you still hope they will be different with your children. The stately homes thread, the books mentioned, and also there are some good reddit threads such as r/justnomil or r/just no family, and a baby centre board called DWIL Nation (reading others accounts, not my own) all helped me to get my head around the fact that my parents were who they were and it's actually not that uncommon. It took time though and it is a painful realisation and a somewhat devastating thing to accept. I'm sorry, OP. **

She left your son out of a Christmas holiday that the rest of his extended family was invited to. I'm not trying to be unkind, but her actions don't marry up with your words.

This is triangulation I think, isn’t it? Where she tries to control everybody’s relation with each other by engineering things so that you always find that you have to go via her to socialise with other family members.

Yes this is what happens.

Mmm I don't think I'm full on. I am generally pretty happy, have laughs and stuff but I'm (well I like to think) good company.

I think my mum likes a barrier maybe because she knows I know what she's like?

I would feel sad about this too OP

@Eatingjumper no my dad doesn't know yet. Well I don't think he does.
When I see him next I will mention it and see but then the fact we know we are just going to stay home, it will just be seen as stirring the pot, won't it?
Yes I still have hope, I think I'd be a big crumbling mess if I didn't. It's a very hard pill to swallow really.
I have cut down on the messaging as we generally message most days. Mum likes to keep on with my life but not actually be a part of it, it seems.
For example, I have the baby and not once has she come to offer taking him out for a walk or let me have a shower. If I ask if she can watch the baby while I go get my hair done it's a big hoo ha. So now I am just not asking her for anything.

Uft I'm in deep. I did go to counseling a few years ago but I think I need to go back :(

When I said take a step back, I meant emotionally. I have a similar parent, and while I still get wound up by their actions I no longer take them to heart. Their behaviour is not a reflection of me/you, but of them. I know my memories, opinions, emotions and reactions are valid, no matter how much they are put down. They do it to feel important. It's quite narcissistic.

Is your 11 month old a boy or girl? I only ask because it seems she likes spending time with your half brother and your son but not the 11 month old. You need to be careful that she doesn't try to split your children up too in the way she tries to divide you and your brother.