My mum controlling Christmas

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I'd say my mum manages to control the narrative of what happens a lot in life and the thing that's getting me down is Christmas

A bout a month she said "I told you our plans for Xmas didn't I?"
I said "no?"and honestly I believe she knew she hadn't told me. But because we were visiting my gran and my aunty was milling around the house I think she chose to tell me the plan in a sort of middle ground scenario.
So anyway she said her and my dad were going to a certain lovely hotel in a city and it was just what they wanted to do by themselves. Except it's not actually by themselves.
I asked who was going she said "well just me and dad and then I imagine (my brother+ partner) and (my aunt+partner) since they are in this city.
So I feel hurt because it's like the closest people in my family all getting together except me and my husband + kids.

So I spoke to my brother about it who thought we were going and when I told him no we weren't invited he did seem miffed about it. He told me he had confirmed with mum about a month previous to this conversation so her saying she imagined theyd go was just bollocks since she's already booked the place for lunch.
Then came the information that my mum had told my brother me and DH we're having Xmas with DH's parents which is just not true and has never been discussed.
I think she fed that to my brother so he'd agree to go to the hotel with my parents thinking I was already in some other Xmas arrangement.
( If it was just my mum and dad going I'd have invited my brother to my house for Christmas lunch)

Basically, I just feel hurt it seems like we've been excluded. Even when I asked her why she said to my brother about us being with the in-laws she said "I told him I THOUGHT you were doing that". But she had never made any conversation with me to ask what we were doing and didn't ask if we wanted to go to the hotel.

I have attachment issues from being a teen when they decided to move abroad and I stayed in the UK from 15 yrs old. I honestly haven't really gotten over if and I am always seeking more of a relationship with them than I get.

I'm just sad today.

Sorry, just seen it is a boy, even so she seems to be playing favourites.

The more you write the more I think to remove your children from her influence and put them in nursery or with a childminder is the best option. Do you want your kids to be having conversations like this about why granny only invited one of them to something? Because I think that’s what will be happening.

I would find it quite difficult not to breezily say something like: “I told you our plans for DS didn’t I? he’s starting nursery instead of coming to you once a week from January.”

Where did you live when they went off abroad?

Sorry to confirm I have two boys. One is 3 one is 11 months.
My brother is my full brother.
She is more invested in my firstborn definitely but she also wasn't interested in him much when he was a wee baby either.
To be fair she hasn't really ever been interested in babies but I did think she might help me sometimes. But no

I'd be very hurt if my parents did this to me. What has your dad got to say about it?

Is it because your mother wants an adult on Xmas lunch ? Will there be other children there? Not excusing her behaviour just trying to understand her reason for it.

Haha maybe I should!

I lived with my grandparents for about 8 months then I went to a city and lived with my brother for a year in a flat my parents bought for us to live in(we didn't get on at this stage in life, he hated me. But now we are super close). Then my parents bought a wee studio apartment for me that I lived in on my own for a few years.
It sounds generous but they charged rent and didn't give me any money at all whatsoever so I got myself into huge amounts of debt which I only just cleared about 5 years ago. I was at college full time so I don't know how they thought I would survive..

I'd hate that too , I love big busy Christmas's . Maybe rise above her and invite everyone to yours for Boxing Day party . I'd cope better with quiet Christmas if had that to look forward to (and let everyone else know you were left out )

Family dynamics at Christmas in particular can be bizarre… Several years ago, MIL invited us (DH, me and our 2 DC) to hers for Christmas day. We accepted. About three weeks before Christmas she rang up and said that there had been a change of plan and that 'we have been invited to (her) DBrother's' for Christmas. I said, 'wow that's really generous: are they sure?' Turned out that we weren't invited: just MIL, her (2nd) DH, plus BIL and his girlfriend of 3mths and her DC! And this arrangement lasted for the following few years: either MIL hosted her DB, SIL & their grown DC and DGC, plus my BIL and his current girlfriend and her DC, or her DB and SIL would host. We were never invited.

Please get your DC away from her. She is very damaging and they will be hurt by her behaviour. Try to go low contact yourself as you can always say you are very busy with your young DC. Also try grey rocking her - being polite but not giving any info away. Sorry about Christmas but you will probably have a much more relaxing time watching your DC enjoy themselves and not have to worry about her behaviour. You can see your in-laws and friends. You can see the rest of your family when they return. I wouldn't rush to see her, just a phone call or text wishing her happy Christmas.

You poor love @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy that is very cruel behaviour from your mother; mine is similar, she'll do anything for my brother and sister and their kids, but me...not so much. Actually not ever.

I think counselling could help you detach from her, and accept how she is and get round to needing her less/hoping that she'll change. I had to do that with my mum and I remember the counsellor saying about one particular incident "I'm afraid your mother made her choice then, and it wasn't you"...and I was so upset but actually hearing it from someone professional really helped me get it...and from then on I gradually moved away from her, emotionally and then physically.

If you could do that you would free yourself from all this manipulation and heartache, you genuinely wouldn't care much about what she does or how she does it...I don't any more, and my life is a lot easier.

For Christmas I'd plan something really nice for your little family, so you're making a positive decision not a putting-up-with-being-left-out decision. And as a PP suggested maybe invite your brother and his family over for the next day...frankly I'd be tempted to invite them for Christmas Day! And I'd also be making other arrangements for your boys' childcare...your mother's behaviour is dreadful and she doesn't deserve to enjoy them.

Take care of yourself lovely xx

Wow I can't believe they left you at 15 to move abroad and charged you rent college age to live in their flat.

Yeh I do think she just wants a sophisticated lunch. Which is fine but just say that rather than all the other ridiculous-ness

She wants a boozy xmas lunch without toddlers and babies. They are selfish twats, your father is too.

Narcissists often are great at regaling funny stories....I'm wary of the loudest person in the room, i know they are almost always selfish twats.

Fuck them, go no contact between now and xmas, put your son into nursery, just don't bother explaining why.

Wow that's awful.

Yes Christmas can bring out an ugly side.

Yes I am planning just a simple merry Christmas text.

Im Worried now so many people say about her damaging my boy.

I remember your previous posts about being left behind so young. It is incomprehensible to anyone else who is a parent to treat their DC like this. Please go as low contact as possible with her - no contact if you can. Get your DC away from her and do not do any looking after her in later years. She charged you rent when you had nothing and she should have been providing for you! You owe her nothing.

Big hugs OP, you might find www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ a useful site to browse. I'm actually really quite angry on your behalf about how your parents treated you when you were younger.

Yes, as a parent you know that you'd never treat your kids the way she treats you.

When he is older, will you be ok with your son seeing you be treated in this way?

What happens if she treats your son like she treats you?

Could you discuss with your brother, and have xmas with him and his family, he can always choose to make the day special with you, rather than being a pawn in selfish mum's games.

Sounds to me as if your MUM's had a busy year; supporting the grandparents, having your child one day a week and as you've said, she makes a big effort entertaining him. All this comes post pandemic, and lockdown (both extra worrying with frail , dependent GP's to consider)

NO WONDER all she wants to do is have a leisurely hassle free Christmas dinner cooked and served in lovely surroundings where she can totally relax; and not have to be the hostess, the granny, the daughter, the carer.

You have a toddler and an 11 month old , and frankly even the most beloved kids that age won't enhance Christmas lunch in a "lovely hotel". I wouldn't have taken my own adorable infants to a long rich boozy noisy Christmas lunch in a lovely hotel and ruin it for all the adult guests .

I am betting your Mum has always been lumbered with hosting family Christmases at home and she's weary and needs a break.

it's clear she just wants her day to be a certain way with certain people.
I reckon she's bloody well earned it. For just one day.

Just try seeing it from you parents POV

I have definitely thought my mum is a narcissist before.
My dad is definitely egotistical, entitled and selfish.
But dad does do lots of nice and helpful things too.

She might dote on your son, but it's a shame she doesn't dote on you.

Anyway, why are you letting her make the decision about childcare? Why are you allowing her to get what she wants? She said no because she wants everything to suit her. Stop letting her call the shots.

Please find some childcare. And then in a few months' time when you tell her and she kicks up a stink, remind her that you already told her months before that this is what you were doing, and she must have forgotten.

Could you organise another day with your brother/aunts?

Or just straight up invite yourself?