My mum controlling Christmas

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I'd say my mum manages to control the narrative of what happens a lot in life and the thing that's getting me down is Christmas

A bout a month she said "I told you our plans for Xmas didn't I?"
I said "no?"and honestly I believe she knew she hadn't told me. But because we were visiting my gran and my aunty was milling around the house I think she chose to tell me the plan in a sort of middle ground scenario.
So anyway she said her and my dad were going to a certain lovely hotel in a city and it was just what they wanted to do by themselves. Except it's not actually by themselves.
I asked who was going she said "well just me and dad and then I imagine (my brother+ partner) and (my aunt+partner) since they are in this city.
So I feel hurt because it's like the closest people in my family all getting together except me and my husband + kids.

So I spoke to my brother about it who thought we were going and when I told him no we weren't invited he did seem miffed about it. He told me he had confirmed with mum about a month previous to this conversation so her saying she imagined theyd go was just bollocks since she's already booked the place for lunch.
Then came the information that my mum had told my brother me and DH we're having Xmas with DH's parents which is just not true and has never been discussed.
I think she fed that to my brother so he'd agree to go to the hotel with my parents thinking I was already in some other Xmas arrangement.
( If it was just my mum and dad going I'd have invited my brother to my house for Christmas lunch)

Basically, I just feel hurt it seems like we've been excluded. Even when I asked her why she said to my brother about us being with the in-laws she said "I told him I THOUGHT you were doing that". But she had never made any conversation with me to ask what we were doing and didn't ask if we wanted to go to the hotel.

I have attachment issues from being a teen when they decided to move abroad and I stayed in the UK from 15 yrs old. I honestly haven't really gotten over if and I am always seeking more of a relationship with them than I get.

I'm just sad today.

I think you need long term approach. With this Xmas you need to take her out on what she did as someone advised with as much possible people involved in the room. You need to stay calm, polite and unemotional but to say that : You are very hurt and feels that you are excluded and that your mum deliberately misled everyone. Something I can’t believe you’ve done so and so on. But don’t shout or cry.
Can you brother come to yours? In this situation I would come to my sister and wouldn’t care about parents but I hate lies and unfairness. I would rather eat boiled potatoes and toast the whole Xmas then tolerate such shit.
Do you or your brother depend on your mum financially?

Are you this much of a nasty Cunt in real life?

It sounds as if our mothers are cut from the same cloth. Although mine sent me to another country (age 11) to boarding school, and the moved to a smaller house with no room for me, so I had to live in the cellar in the holidays.

When I returned age 16, I was never really a full part of the family again (none of my siblings went away, only me). I have been systematically excluded by my parents from most family occasions, but especially from Christmas. It never stops hurting as an adult, because the wounded child has never quite healed. I know I should try to sort that out, but I don't have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, and I have other major stresses that need my attention.

In their family, my mother controls all communication too, and she gets very strange at the merest suggestion that my siblings and I communicate in any way but through her.

I'm afraid that the only way out of this is to accept that you will never get what you need from them. They don't have it to give to you. That isn't your fault. Stop pushing for it, stop trying to make them love you enough, and limit the contact you have. My parents can also be generous and helpful (although mostly not to me!). But there is always a catch, and all affection or even politeness disappears at the slightest hint of disobedience.

I disengaged, and now I only have to cope with them every 2 or 3 years. I will probably never see them in person again, and I'm at peace with that. I found that the biggest breakthrough was for me to think about our pattern. Once I saw it, I was better able to break it. For me it went like this;

• They are unusually nice to me for a short while.
• They make an outrageous demand (I run their business for nothing, give them something valuable, do huge and expensive favour for the Golden child).
• I initially refuse, so they freeze me out.
• I eventually do huge and outrageous favour, in the hope that they will actually like me.
• They treat me with contempt and make it clear that they think I am stupid and worthless, while praising Golden child and/or being very generous to relative strangers.
• Back to them being unusually nice to me, and round it goes...

I have loads of examples about my mum. I looked after their dog for 4 years whilst they went to work in a different country that wasnt very animal friendly.
So they flew her to me and I cared for her but obviously it costs money to have a pet. I'd been stumping up for the cost of the dog for a while but then I asked for them to cover hear food and stuff. So mum sent me a set amount each month by direct debit.
Then some kind of falling out happened and guess what...the money stopped.
She definitely stopped it as a way to get to me. I didn't mention it to her.
Months or maybe even a year later in a conversation with my dad he mentioned how mum pays for the dog. I told him what happened. The next day I got a lump sum into my account and a message from my mum like "dad says you haven't got the money". But like, it was so obvious what had happened.
Another time they bought a property that I rented but it was a do-er upper and I had to pay for all the carpets and blinds and stuff. I broke up with my bf who had lived there with me and we paid rent to my folks. When we broke up I had to get a lodger to cover the bills and rent with me and what did my mum do? Increase the rent.

There's soooo many things that all revolve around money.

The the poster who said Ive had it all and it's not enough...it's not true. Sure in childhood they took us on nice holidays, we got great gifts. But they were not there for us emotionally. I had to live with my other grandparents for a year whilst my parents set up a business and I think it's the most loved and cared for I'd ever been. My therapist pointed out that I never had to wait around with my grandparents. They always picked me up from school on time, had clothes on radiator all cosy for me, just basically nurtured me. My mum and dad left me and my brother waiting for over half an hour at the train station most days after school. I don't remember them ever playing with us. There was a lot of arguing between them and my brother and I was a very very quiet child. I started pulling my hair out at 8yrs old and I still do it now.
Uft I'm a mess

No we don't rely on them financially....thank god.
I do think I will try and have a conversation in front of people. I know not to get wound up or emotional and just state facts.whethwr the opportunity arises or not is another matter.

Oh my goodness, that is such a shame. I feel for you so much.
That does sound like the sequence of events I also go through.
The bit about there always being a catch...SO TRUE.

I'm sorry you have also had to deal with this and thank you so much for your post

I'm going to have to step away and see to my lovely children now.
Thank you all for your Input so far x

Do you normally spend Christmas with your parents?
If so, could you go to your in-laws for Christmas or invite them to yours?

Do you know what, I just read your posts back to back and you sound really lovely. You’re clearly very self aware and understanding of how everyone in this situation might be feeling! You deserve better than the way your mum is treating you.

I hope you, your DP and DC have a lovely Christmas <3

Is it because your mother wants an adult on Xmas lunch ? Will there be other children there? Not excusing her behaviour just trying to understand her reason for it

With 3 adult daughters, one of whom is disabled, I have made xmas for everyone for over 30 years. My one ambition before I get too much older is to go out for xmas lunch and stay over in a posh hotel. Just once. With only adults. I don't mind which adults, but family adults. I love all my family of course, but just this one thing, once, is what I'd like to do. Every single xmas has involved wrangling children. I want, just once, to have a peaceful carefree xmas day. Eating food I didn't cook from plates I don't have to wash up. And have a drink and not have to taxi people home.

It's doubtful it will happen because I don't know how to say it nicely,
and not upset someone.
And dh thinks it's a soulless way to spend xmas - in a hotel.
Could any of this ring true for your mother, OP?
I don't agree with the subterfuge, but many people might think I control xmas, which I do - because nobody else will.
On the other hand, I really don't control it at all because if I did what I wanted to do, everyone else would feel put out and be pissed off with me forever.

I might be completely wrong with the dynamics, but I can see this from the other side. If OP says I'm totally wrong, then I accept that I am totally wrong in this scenario.

Wow. I thought my mother was cold. Yours is deep frozen @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

ya absolutely nbu to be sad, and yes this is extra hurtful because she abandoned you as a teen.

please find your anger as Atilla says, go NC and choose only decent people in your life. She knows what she’s talking about, she’s a dear friend and has helped me so much with my similar situation.

I know this hurts darling. Could you access a therapist to talk it all out?

They can be fairly shouty and my mum can just sort of fly off the handle sometimes but I don't think they'd be poisonous to him about me. (Maybe I am naïve here).

Yes you are being naive. Children are pretty sharp. What impact do you think it will have on your child seeing his granny treat his mummy badly? He'll know what's going on no matter how hard you try to hide it.

What got my OP is your comment ‘I’m such a mess’ when actually after all you’ve been through you sound like you are the only one who is functioning normally. It’s completely normal to want love and acknowledgement from your family. It’s messed up to lie to your own family to manipulate things to get your own way.
My guess is that if your mum had been honest and told you that after a hard year she fancied a relaxing posh boozy hotel lunch you may have decided yourself it’s not a great match for toddlers. However, your mum chose to lie to you regardless of how it would make you feel.
I would definitely go low contact and not allow your son on unsupervised access. Your awareness of what is appropriate will be low because of how you’ve been brought up.

It sounds to me that you and your brother are now on the same page and cam avoid this happening again.
Stick to that.

Does your brother have kids? My immediate reaction to this is they don’t want a Christmas dictated by small kids.

It does sound like they want a child free christmas

You said you spent christmas day with them last year, the year prior did you spend with your inlaws? I'm wondering if she genuinely thinks you alternate years so theres no point in asking you anything

For many of us the big family Christmas is the tradition.

You don't have to do it, if you prefer quiet, private Christmases you are entirely free to do so. I won't even tell you to "get a grip and learn some social skills".

Bless your heart she sounds like a bitch I’m so sorry she’s like this.

She has got issues but you need to remember that they’re her issues and not yours.

I appreciate your own situation PhilomenaPringles but I feel fairly sure you can’t have RTFT, because there is much, much more to this than OP's mother just wanting to have a nice hassle-free hotel Christmas lunch.

OP, the more you post, the worse your parents, and specifically your mother, appear. What a lot you’ve had to cope with

Op people like this don’t change. They don’t soften or see there errors.something in them is this kind of cruel.
you could literally be the best daughter in the world.you could live up to every rule she sets in life and she’d widen the perimeters or find some new wrong.
please don’t try to win her love anymore.because it’s always what we strive for when we haven’t had it.a child jonmattt et the age just want a parental love.it’s hard wired.it’s from an age when we needed it for surivival!but we weren’t so emotional being back then.
but you don’t need her.honestly you don’t.but it does take you letting that go.she knows abusers always no their victims vulnerabilities.she sees your and is forever going to work it.
trust me the way you find love the way you get fulfilled and filled up is when you let hers go because that isn’t love it isn’t care or nurture it isn’t what makes a person whole.you do not want what she’s giving.
don’t let her poison you don’t make her reflect any of her behaviour onto your own family.
make new rules and new roles of what a good mother should be.show your family and children what it truly means.

OP, just want to say that it sounds like you've had to put up with a lot over your life, from thoughtless if not downright negligent parenting when you were younger to hurtful and thoughtless behaviour now you're older. It is bound to have made you feel insecure and so at major family occasions like Christmas it's going to affect you more than it might other people. It sounds like your mum pulls the rug from under you now and then and it must throw you back into that feeling of insecurity.

I can (mildly) relate to some of it, as in my dm is relatively selfish and narcissistic and she's only really interested in dcs if they seem to know/respond to her (i.e. not wee babies) and likes the more performative aspects of grandparenthood rather than the plain old helpful (hold the baby while I shower) ones.

I want to wish you well as it's such a tricky situation, and while it sounds like you don't want to break off all contact, I hope you can re-establish your own foundations and boundaries so you're less vulnerable to this sort of behaviour on your mother's part.

I think this is an important point-did get love for your son exceed her desire to control you. The risk is her weaponising that relationship against you to get what she wants. She is already doing it with you and your brother.

OP, so sorry you have been saddled with a nasty bitch of a mother. Perhaps you are not yet ready to realised how much emotional abuse she has inflicted on you but I hope you will get there soon so that you can start to work on your own healing. The sooner the better; I didn't realise how badly abused I was until recently and the effects have been severe. Your mother triangulates and gaslights, and has emotionally neglected and abused you. Emotional abuse is abuse.

Recently I have heard some podcasts by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna, they are well worth listening to. Basically a listener sends in a letter about their experience and psychotherapists Helen and Katie, analyse the behaviours. It is eye opening. Pick any of these which mention the word "mother", I think you will find you identify with a lot of stuff. player.fm/search/helen%20villiers%20katie%20mckenna/episodes

No the year before was also with my parents but my mum did mention the alternate year thing as the reason she thought we'd be going. You've just jogged my memory about that.
However, me and DH have been together since 2014 and we have never alternated Christmases.
DH family aren't very christmassy and a lot of years they have gone away abroad.

We haven't mentioned inviting them this year. I think DH is actually looking forward to a "just us* Christmas which is fair enough I guess.
I'm going to look into ordering a fancy chef's prepared meal thing that you just have to assemble/cook and allows us to just enjoy the children on Christmas day.
I'm just goijg to plan lots of really nice things like that so I am going to be excited by it.

Thank you to everyone still giving me support and being kind to me.

I will listen to the podcasts, thank you