My mum controlling Christmas

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I'd say my mum manages to control the narrative of what happens a lot in life and the thing that's getting me down is Christmas

A bout a month she said "I told you our plans for Xmas didn't I?"
I said "no?"and honestly I believe she knew she hadn't told me. But because we were visiting my gran and my aunty was milling around the house I think she chose to tell me the plan in a sort of middle ground scenario.
So anyway she said her and my dad were going to a certain lovely hotel in a city and it was just what they wanted to do by themselves. Except it's not actually by themselves.
I asked who was going she said "well just me and dad and then I imagine (my brother+ partner) and (my aunt+partner) since they are in this city.
So I feel hurt because it's like the closest people in my family all getting together except me and my husband + kids.

So I spoke to my brother about it who thought we were going and when I told him no we weren't invited he did seem miffed about it. He told me he had confirmed with mum about a month previous to this conversation so her saying she imagined theyd go was just bollocks since she's already booked the place for lunch.
Then came the information that my mum had told my brother me and DH we're having Xmas with DH's parents which is just not true and has never been discussed.
I think she fed that to my brother so he'd agree to go to the hotel with my parents thinking I was already in some other Xmas arrangement.
( If it was just my mum and dad going I'd have invited my brother to my house for Christmas lunch)

Basically, I just feel hurt it seems like we've been excluded. Even when I asked her why she said to my brother about us being with the in-laws she said "I told him I THOUGHT you were doing that". But she had never made any conversation with me to ask what we were doing and didn't ask if we wanted to go to the hotel.

I have attachment issues from being a teen when they decided to move abroad and I stayed in the UK from 15 yrs old. I honestly haven't really gotten over if and I am always seeking more of a relationship with them than I get.

I'm just sad today.

Yes I do agree with this. They were due to go on holiday and cancelled because she was worried about her parents. Although they have also had 3 other abroad holidays this year. She spends I'd say 3 full days a week on her hobby.
But she certainly has had a busy and stressful year.
And I do think that she is just wanted a nice Xmas lunch in a nice hotel.
But why say it's just them, why then invite other people? I just remembered she said my other aunt and uncle might go but she thought they were away skiing. And the fact she keeps saying she thought we were with my in laws.

Last Christmas we were with my mum and dad but my brother and his partner did the cooking.
My mum has always always always loved hosting however I do think this year she just didn't fancy it. That's fine! But to then go and say it was just her and dad and it turns out it's my brother and partner and aunt and her partner it's just makes me confused.

Yep, another option is to call the hotel, rearrange the booking to include your family and just show up. Fuck her!! lols, and tell Pops to pay for it, it's the least they owe you, considering the abandonment. Seriously, what a pair.

This post has to be a joke. Either that or it's the mom in question.

Er - what? Have you not read everything else the OP has said about her despicable mother?

My brother ended up taking some additional annual leave so that we can do some nice christmassy things in the run up to Xmas. Which I thought was absolutely lovely of him :)

Yes I have indeed posted about being left before. Thank you for remembering me.

No I can totally see where 2bazookas is coming from and it's exactly what my mum would say too.
It's all true. But it still hurts

I also remember your previous posts about being "abandoned "
there's no other word for it....you were abandoned by the people who should have cared for you.

You sound as if you've made a lovely life for yourself... your children and your husband.
Have a lovely Christmas with YOUR family.

It's exactly what your mum would say, and yet, despite everything, you think it is all true?

No wonder you are hurting. You have been conditioned for decades to subjugate yourself to this woman, and you can't see it.

If she had said that she wanted a quiet Christmas and not to have to host or have DC around you would have probably understood and not minded. It is the lying and playing games and not caring about hurting your feelings by being so dismissive that is the problem here.

I still shocked that she can have 3 holidays a year and let you get into debt owing her. Never accept any invites from her again. Your DB sounds decent in taking leave to spend time with you.

Get your boy away from her. She is making him her favourite even before he goes to school. If your perception of her dislike for your is correct, sHe will drip poison into his ears and split him from you and his brother... because granny needs him. And mum and bro can go without.

For the sake of your boys don't let your 3 yr old go there again and sort some childcare for both after Christmas.

It sounds like she wants a Christmas that isn't really suitable for a 3 year old and 11 month old. I'm pretty sure it will be nicer for you being at home. I'm not sure why she can't just be honest about it as that would be better.

I would put all your efforts into trying to have relationships with your other family members without your mother. So if your usual way of socialising with your siblings is for everyone to go for a big dinner at your parents, start arranging other events that don't involved them. Gradually extract yourself, so doing things independently of your mother becomes normal. Explain what has happened over Christmas to your family (not to your mum, she won't change) and how hurt you are.

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, totally understandable and it sucks not to have a great relationship with your own mother. I have a similar thing and it’s hard but as you get older you learn to accept the relationship or the mother you have and to stop expecting anything else. You get to decide your own boundaries based on that.

That is lovely, you are blessed with your brother at least.

This must be so hurtful especially due to your parents leaving you when you were 15.

I do think it would be helpful to go back to counselling. I’ve had similar issues, my mother left me when I was 4 and I’ve never got over it(I’m now 56), it’s effected me all my life. Counselling has really helped- I’m a LOT less angry nowadays thank goodness but nothing removes the fact they could acted that way, you have to take solace in that you will a great mother as you don’t want to repeat your parents mistakes.

How old are you that you still want to follow Mummy around for Christmas?

Start making your own Christmas traditions.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but get a grip.

It's really helpful when you can get to the point where you can balance your own emotions in a situation like this and start to manage trigger points. Everything is so loaded because you are testing her love for you and trying to get her to make up for abandoning you. She is the way she is and is unlikely to change and it seems like on balance you would like to keep a relationship with her. What do you want to happen? Do you want to join them? If you do then just ask outright if you can. If you don't then don't waste your time upsetting yourself trying to get her to feel bad or apologise because she won't! Just say fine and make other plans. It's so freeing when you can break free emotionally. It's worth going back to counselling to work on that. Good luck!

I’ve been in this situation, but with my MIL not my own family. It’s a nightmare and you have my sympathy. We managed to bring it under control though, here’s how:

1. establish your own relationship with your family. Call your dad. Have regular dinners/lunches/play dates with your brother, SIL and cousins! This wouldn’t have been possible if she didn’t control your relationship with the rest of your family!
2. put DC in nursery if you can afford it. She’ll only weaponise her care as she already does (not sending pics on bad days etc).
3. invite people over for a family BBQ/Xmas lunch. And don’t invite her. Say you knew she was really busy and didn’t want to put her out! She’ll get the pic

Yes. This is all really petty. But it works because it gives you back control. Good luck

My mother is the same and it took me 40 years and a ton of therapy to finally break away. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Other posters are right, your mother is toxic and shouldn't be around you or your children. I see it in my own. The youngest is well adjusted and full of life as he has no memory of granny. The older one has issues around her relationship and huge amounts of guilt about being a pawn in her grandmother's fuckwittery. It has damaged her, not as much as me, but enough.

One therapist described it as being the off spring of a spider plant. You think you're growing and developing but you're still attached and contolled by the main plant, as are all the other off shoots. You will never fully grow while you are still attached in this way. You have to cut the connection.

The o ly problem about saying to the Op that she should go NC with her mum is that she would them lose contact with all her other family as they do lots together. There’s no reason why the OP should exclude herself from these get togethers. She just needs to learn how to “deal” with her and a good counsellor will help.

I second every word of this, and suggest you try therapy if you can afford it, to help you give up the fantasy that your parents will ever live up to your perfectly reasonable expectations. They won't, and you need to truly accept that and move on psychologically. It's tough, but many of us have done it.

That's a pretty nasty comment.

OP is rightfully upset that she and her family ard being excluded from the wider family. It isvt just her mother she will miss, it is her Dad and brother.

Being excluded hurts.

So why aren't you going to your in-laws if you want to make a bigger family Christmas? Or invite them to you?
It sounds like your Mother thought it was their turn?

I also wonder what her plans are for seeing her much loved (but not enough to want to spend actual Christmas with them) grandchild over Christmas . Does she expect you to make yourself available at her convenience?