My mum controlling Christmas

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I'd say my mum manages to control the narrative of what happens a lot in life and the thing that's getting me down is Christmas

A bout a month she said "I told you our plans for Xmas didn't I?"
I said "no?"and honestly I believe she knew she hadn't told me. But because we were visiting my gran and my aunty was milling around the house I think she chose to tell me the plan in a sort of middle ground scenario.
So anyway she said her and my dad were going to a certain lovely hotel in a city and it was just what they wanted to do by themselves. Except it's not actually by themselves.
I asked who was going she said "well just me and dad and then I imagine (my brother+ partner) and (my aunt+partner) since they are in this city.
So I feel hurt because it's like the closest people in my family all getting together except me and my husband + kids.

So I spoke to my brother about it who thought we were going and when I told him no we weren't invited he did seem miffed about it. He told me he had confirmed with mum about a month previous to this conversation so her saying she imagined theyd go was just bollocks since she's already booked the place for lunch.
Then came the information that my mum had told my brother me and DH we're having Xmas with DH's parents which is just not true and has never been discussed.
I think she fed that to my brother so he'd agree to go to the hotel with my parents thinking I was already in some other Xmas arrangement.
( If it was just my mum and dad going I'd have invited my brother to my house for Christmas lunch)

Basically, I just feel hurt it seems like we've been excluded. Even when I asked her why she said to my brother about us being with the in-laws she said "I told him I THOUGHT you were doing that". But she had never made any conversation with me to ask what we were doing and didn't ask if we wanted to go to the hotel.

I have attachment issues from being a teen when they decided to move abroad and I stayed in the UK from 15 yrs old. I honestly haven't really gotten over if and I am always seeking more of a relationship with them than I get.

I'm just sad today.

Bloody hell that's nasty.

Sorry, OP, missed the bit where you said you'd had counselling. Go back if you can because there's still work to do, I think x

Aren't you a delight.

I agree with everything 2bazookas said. Sound she was just trying to have a special Christmas Day but didn't want to offend you by saying it wasn't a place for children. It's not up to your mum to take the kids so you can get your hair done or go for a shower - that's your husband who should be doing that. Why wouldn't they charge you rent - am assuming they had to pay a mortgage? Honestly I think you have had everything done for you but it still doesn't suit. Looking at things the way you are it would be sensible for you to put your children to nursery but I bet you don't.

Can you take back control in general? You issue the invites to your house - to everyone?

My family hate hosting anything at home although they will "pay" for lunches out - so I host and issue the invites.

They end up (especially after covid ) being beholden to your largesse in a way!

Your post reveals you as a really horrible person.

Even narcissists do nice things sometimes, but it will only be when it suits them. Your parents do sound an awful lot like mine.

Are you the mother?

I don't want to go into my own tale of woe, but I just wanted to say OP that when it comes to being triangulated, manipulated and having your feelings dismissed, in relation to Christmas and everything else you are very much not alone.

Not sure many 15 years are ready to stand on their own two feet and pay rent.

If the Op had not been left to her own devices at such a young age by her not so DM I'm sure she wouldn't still be "following Mummy around" @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy . Sorry Op but your DM has you on a piece of string emotionally, you're still looking for a true, safe emotional relationship with her and it must be very hard to break away, but she isn't ever going to be the DM you want. She reels you in with a bit of niceness then she landmines you with the Christmas lunch - how can you , or your DC, feel safe with her?
Your DB sounds lovely, make sure he knows how your DM behaves towards you, and make sure you always talk directly, don't let yourself be cut out of the loop with him. People like your DM like to divide and conquer- don't let her

You need to protect yourself and your children from her imo. It's a matter of time before she's using your son in her cruelty.
Your parents are nasty people whom clearly think nothing about your desperation for their love. Keeping in contact with them when you have kids is going to repeat the cycle of abuse . Say your child was old enough to know that MIL had spent Christmas with everyone but your family. Would you defend her or tell the truth?

Why wouldn't they charge you rent - am assuming they had to pay a mortgage?

She was 16 and still in full time education. Her parents abandoned her and fucked off abroad. Charging your child rent like this is abhorrent.

I also remember you because your story is so sad. I don’t remember your parents charging you rent at what? 16/17 perhaps. That is inexcusable. I am surprised that you have any contact with them at all.

I think you definitely would benefit from more therapy. I had an absolute ton but didn’t gel too well until I found a great therapist and worked for 4 years with her. It changed me a lot. She taught me how to be an adult, how to set boundaries and give myself the grounding and nurturing I needed.

For you own sake, you need to be investing time in relationships with people, who treat you well. Your father also readily abandoned you. They are both equally responsible for this situation. They may be better grandparents than they are parents but you do need to be wary, especially as they reach toward the more difficult tween/teen years.

You will have a fab time with your 3 yo. Christmas becomes more magical as littlies become more aware of it. Can you spend some time with your gran over Christmas? It is lovely that your brother is taking the time to be with you before Christmas.

@OnTheBrinkOfChange

Your post reveals you as a really horrible person.

Why?

@Puppers thanks for the bit about triangulation, this is exactly what my MIL does and I didn’t know ther was a term for it, that’s helps thanks.
@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy your mum is a bit h, doesn’t matter if she’s nice the rest if the time, she has engineered this to put you in your place. That is such a mean thing to do but at least your family know you weren’t invited.
Have the best day with your own family and remember you owe her nothing she wants a carer when she’s old.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy i agree your post was horrible, when you read what the OP has been through. Don’t most peo want to spend big family Christmasses together occasionally?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

If several people are telling you your post is out of order, you can either take heed or ignore.

I can’t get over. That your parents left you when you were 15 got you a studio and then charged you rent and give you no money despite the fact They left you. I think it’s definitely time to rethink your relationship with both of them and keep your son away as well. What an absolutely mean thing leaving you out of Christmas making it look like you’re doing something else.

I'm amazed you even talk to your parents after what they did to you. I agree with most others here that you need to step away from them. You should protect yourself and your DC.

I agree that your mum probably wanted a child free Christmas, and that is fine but the way she has gone about it is wrong and hurtful. She invited all child free family members by the sounds of it? Because of the history of how she put herself above your needs and subsequently abandoned you as a teenager this clearly adds more hurt.

I can totally see why you don't want to confront as it will likely come with a begrudged invitation which you won't want to take as it wouldn't resolve the issue, and then the blame would conveniently be placed on you.

I have had a different but similar abandonment issue and subsequent rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and I definitely have realised I get very uncharacteristically emotional when I feel I have been excluded from family occasions or decisions on plans. I am often told plans after a decision rather than consulted on them and so my participation feels not important.

In your situation, I think you should confront your mum in a different way. Tell her you have had some time to think, and realise she needs a child free Christmas, and the hotel with child free family who she doesn't need to take a caring role with is a great idea and she deserves it after looking after her grandson and ill relatives, and you don't want to impose on that because you understand, but the way she has gone about it by telling everyone else invited that you had other plans lead to unnecessary hurt until you figured out her likely intentions. So please can she be honest in the future. If looking after DS weekly is too much, please let her know and you can change the arrangement.

That is good. You have good stuff too.

All of the stuff other posters have responded with is true, your family is very dysfunctional and your mother is very emotionally immature and is high in narcissistic traits, ultimately though I think letting go of bad parents is a really trying thing to do and focusing your attention on the good stuff unless that becomes overwhelming is as good a strategy as any to manage relationships.

I’m NC from a similar type of mother and in spite of my own mother’s issues the NC was for other reasons. It is extremely hard and the fallout for me and my family is enormous. I think you do NC only when things become untenable any other way.

But I really, really would recommend that you put distance between your children and your mother, if the time comes where you do have to step back from her the last thing you want is to separate very attached children. It is absolutely torturous to do that.

Good advice here especially regarding your child.

When s/he is older she will withhold love to manipulate and control them, too. Please don't give her the chance to hurt them as she's hurting you. She'll play your child off against you and your husband. She'll do everything sh an to come between you and show you who's "boss".

Stop it now before it has a chance to start.

Could you invite your in-laws to yours for Christmas? Let your little one build up a good relationship with his other set of grandparents. You don't need this sort of toxic behaviour around a small child, or around yourself. I know it's hard - I've been through the same sort of spiteful, manipulative behaviour with a grandparent and parent, and it's horrible for children.

Why do you think I am asking?

Ok god I'm all a bit overwhelmed now.

I have pondered before what they might do/be like sometimes in my sons company.
They can be fairly shouty and my mum can just sort of fly off the handle sometimes but I don't think they'd be poisonous to him about me. (Maybe I am naïve here). But I do agree I need to reduce contact and I do need to protect him so I am going to speak to my husband and increase nursery days.

I am going to get more counseling, I'm going to focus on the people who truly care about me and my wee family.

To the nasty poster - yes, I feel like I am chasing the lost years I didn't have with my parents. Try to understand that.