Husband and his messages

[morningskye76]

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

Fantastic move skye.

Space away from him will allow you to think clearly without him gaslighting and minimising at every opportunity. Now you have said that there were some inappropriate photos sent too, I would consider sending a message to her husband just asking him to check his wife's messages with your husband, to see what he thinks. At least then you might have him as a support to lean on if your dp and his dw run off together (although this is very unlikely, affairs often lose appeal very quickly when they become more trouble than they're worth and the attraction fizzles out)

Leaving the messages to the side for a minute - is he usually kind and respectful to you? Cos frankly he sounds like a rude prick.

Gaslighting again he's hoping you will panic and say ok stay He doesn't want you telling your friends what he's done or her husband

You've done the right thing, This man has no respect for you and I'm really sorry to say but from the sounds of it he isn't even bothered you've found out, it might be what he wants so he can move on with the friend. Don't let him come back into your life. He is an asshat.

Not really. Can be dismissive and bored but not like this. A complete 180 since I saw them.
He has snapped at me (and another friend once) before and in front of others but was apologetic

He's clearly lost the plot and doesn't like being found out. What age range is he OP?

Sorry @morningskye76 but his behaviour is so typical, he’s gaslighting you. Putting everything on to you. It’s ridiculous and pathetic. She may or may not be “his person” but he definitely isn’t yours! Really disrespectful!

I’d be telling her Husband without a doubt, what he does with that is up to him though.

He is late 40s she is mid 30s

Just paste screenshots of the "innocent banter" on FB for friends and family to enjoy if there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's gaslighting - nothing but.

He sounds pretty unpleasant in general OP and his reaction to you discovering his affair is abhorrent. No matter what he says in the next few weeks, remember how he has treated you now, at a time when you are at your most hurt.

He holds you in utter contempt.

No relationship can recover from contempt.

He's going to blame it on a mid life crisis then. Bored with his life, chasing a younger bird and she's welcoming it because she's bored with hers too. What a cliche. It's sad really you should pity them. He's a fool and he will come crawling back no doubt when she refuses to leave her husband

Oh he's getting defensive. He'll be complaining to her about it. They'll be telling each other they didn't do anything wrong and this is you making a big deal of nothing. But she'll be panicking. Because shit just got real.

Op it sounds like he's been a shit to you for a while.

You really don't need any excuse to end it.

Why put up with that level of disrespect

How could you ever work things out with him if he won't even admit he's in the wrong?

This.

It sounds as if he is angry/pissed off with you for having the audacity to rumble his affair, and then for not believing his lies/gaslighting. His refusal to accept your feelings on the matter and his attempts to undermine you are his vile attempt at "putting you in your place". He is punishing you because you discovered his affair.

Even if deleted l think whatsapp can be restored-
But you know what you saw - and he knows you know what you saw. He will be bricking it as will the OW

This is something l could not forgive or forget

That's really horrible emotional abuse OP and a total lack of respect. You are not 'on one'. He has cheated! He has been 'on her' certainly in his head but I'm not so sure not also in reality! You've done the right thing throwing him out. He is angry at you right now because you discovered him and made him feel guilt and lots of other uncomfortable emotions because deep down he knows it was wrong but he thought he would get away with it. He compartmentalised his life so he didn't have to feel those emotions or think about reality, just how much he had the hots for the other women, he was in shag dreamland. Good, he should finally face up to what he has done and I bet he is not liking that one bit. Next phase is he will say it was all a mistake and he is so sorry, he didn't mean any of it, he'll do counselling, he has mental health problems, you don't put out enough, etc etc million excuses. This will only come after he has checked with the other women if she wants to start a new life with him and she has turned him down and he realises he is out on his arse. This is the point you need to be strong and not cave in as he hasn't really changed at all still at this point it's all still just words. Cheaters all follow a script...read the chump lady website and you will recognise all his behaviour or search for 'the script' on Mumsnet.

What an absolute grade A arsehole. The messages are awful enough, but his attitude since you confronted him is almost worse. Even if he were genuinely contrite it would be hard to continue the relationship after this, but he is being dismissive, unpleasant and trying to browbeat you into thinking it's you at fault. I mean... how dare he? He must think you are an absolute idiot or a doormat if he thinks he can bully his way out of this.

he says 'they are just really good close friends nothing else'! I wonder if he makes suggestive comments to all his close friends? Don't let him make you feel like this is your fault, it absolutely isn't.

He's a narcissistic pig, simple.

Tell him you've taken photos of the messages and will send them to her dh, as they are so innocent and you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

My dh had an emotional affair, it destroyed our marriage, I often think they can be as bad as a physical affair, the emotional impact is devastating. I wish I'd kicked his lying, cheating arse out straight away, rather than trying to believe him when he said 'it was so innocent'

Sorry but in what world does a man in his late 40s send underwear photos to a woman in her 30s....as friends? He really must have a ridiculously low opinion of your intelligence if he expects you to believe that for a second. You need to show him just how strong you can be. You sound like a lovely person and he sounds like an arse - you deserve so much better than this and the way he is treating you is so, so cruel

@DWMoosmum the sexual things he's mentioned to her he's never expressed interest in.

At one point he basically said he wanted her on her knees.

The messages and photos are stuck in my head

This is not "friendly banter", they are both overcome with lust and enjoying the attention of working each over up. He's a fool.

@OopsAnotherOne thank you.

Apparently he was showing her tattoo placements