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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have any of you married your "lover"?

334 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/01/2008 17:18

What I mean is, have you been the other woman and he left and then you got married?

Or have you/are you the other woman?

AND - does this mean that you are a troll of the relationship type (marriage wrecker/evil queen).

OP posts:
SnappyLaGore · 27/01/2008 17:17

and i think if you are going to stay and you are going to have affairs to help you still feel alive, then you have to have the go-ahead and blessing of your OH to do that. and thats a v rare thing.

you cant just shag about and feel all virtuous coz you aint leaving! doesnt work that way.

NKF · 27/01/2008 17:18

It might be worth pointing out here that second marriages are statistically more likely to break up than first ones. So people don't necessarily get it right second time round. And those passionate affairs don't necesarily turn into long term happy marriages.

And there is some evidence to show that many divorced people regret the split and wish they'd hung in a bit longer or tried a bit harder.

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 27/01/2008 17:18

Exactly snappy!

I dont think people say "Oh well if Im still bored stiff by tea time Im off!"

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 27/01/2008 17:20

Dont most marriages start as passionate affairs? [hmm}

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 27/01/2008 17:20

sorry

OP posts:
SnappyLaGore · 27/01/2008 17:22

i think she means extramarital affairs

NKF · 27/01/2008 17:22

I did but there's probably some truth in what you say.

SnappyLaGore · 27/01/2008 17:26

do you know, i dont think anyof us are miles apart on this tbh!

Carmenere · 27/01/2008 17:29

No you are right we are all singing from the same hymn sheet(just interpretating the hymns a little differently)
It is (thankfully) a rare person who sets out to hurt their children.

HappyWoman · 27/01/2008 17:53

oh this is getting heated. Have to agree that what is a dull marriage/life after all i am with NKF on this one in that we should not teach our children to just aim for happiness - the journey yes of course should overall be happy but if you make a wrong turn or two on the way then does that mean we should abandon that route and see if another is better. My life journey is not all smiles there are plenty of bumps on the way too.

I like the Forest Gump quote - 'life is like a box of chocolates' Now I hate the coffee creams but I still eat the rest and generally life is ok hopefully the next chocolate will be a caramel swirl. I would not throw the box away and try a different one.

I also like Mcds post as to why the ow is so hated by the wife.
I have little pity for women who 'fall in love' with married men and then cannot control themselves but expect the wife to just go away when in fact she too still loves him.

Anyway will be watching this with interest.

SnappyLaGore · 27/01/2008 17:58

nah, chuck the box and get a box of choc brazil nuts. i love every one of those babies

HappyWoman · 27/01/2008 18:04

or make sure you marry a box of brazil nuts in the first place - unfortunately most of the 'life boxes' dont tell you whats inside and you have to bite them first to find out.

motherinferior · 27/01/2008 18:11

I agree, totally, with Anna's point that life and relationships are too complex for outright statements like 'all other women are hoors'.

I have, in the past, had affairs/flings with more than one married bloke. They were not a good idea, and the men in question didn't leave their partners for me; one is still married, and is a friend of mine, the other left his partner for someone else. However, another friend of mine's still living, very happily, with a bloke who did leave a relationship to be with her.

motherinferior · 27/01/2008 18:14

Oh, and obviously feel free to call me a troll/hoor/whatever.

Carmenere · 27/01/2008 18:15

Troll hoor whore whatever

Flllightattendant · 27/01/2008 18:37

Happywoman, you talk a lot of sense.

One thing you mention, about the OW expecting the wife to go away, struck a chord - a lot of OWs might think their love is somehow greater than the wife's, or disregard that concept entirely...I felt I could not control myself (though should have done) but didn't expect the wife to go away. What I did expect was the man to make a decision, which he completely failed to do.

I find it hard to believe now that I could even have fancied a person who was such a coward.

I'm amazed that having told my story I'm being shown this level of respect and kindness, by the way...I'm very grateful for everyone's equanimity.

Acinonyx · 27/01/2008 19:51

I tend to agree with NFK and Happywomen. I have quite a few divorced friends and unfortunately, in every case it is clear that the children have been variously disturbed by the experience. Perhaps it is better in friendlier divorces.

I think once you have children your life goals alter accordingly. I have seen too many people deliberately have children despite their gloomy domestic situation. I wish people took as much thought over beginning a life as they might over ending one.

Yes, I guess this is a sore point!

Irisheyes78 · 27/01/2008 20:17

Anyone that has an affair or has one knowing the other person is married is the lowest of the low. A piece of scum.

End of.

morningpaper · 27/01/2008 20:24

I find it extraordinary how OW are seen as the evil tempters still - really this shows that we think men are little more than animals and all women should somehow be responsible for keeping them in check.

When people on here slag off teenagers who are sleeping with husbands, I find that particular odd. They are basically children. Surely it is the HUSBAND's responsibilty to deal with them?!

I've had affairs with lots of married men. I was young and stupid and it is an idiotic thing to do - not least because it generally ends up in one or both of you or all three of you living in a shitty pit of endless despair. People are fallible and lots of people pretty immature and it takes a lot of life experience to make you wise to those sorts of facts, IMO.

Monkeytrousers · 27/01/2008 20:25

Think I agree with Anna and MI here. People fall out of love and well, we only have one life don't we.

But some blokes (and women) just want to have their cake and eat it also. They are the twats.

Happywoman, does your name have some significance to MN..??

Monkeytrousers · 27/01/2008 20:26

Oh, you tart MP!

Monkeytrousers · 27/01/2008 20:28

If it was easier to split without the woman being left on the breadline then there would be many more amiable divorces I reckon. As things are, you feel you have to hang on to what's yours even when you don't actually want it very much - you just need some quality of life!

expatinscotland · 27/01/2008 20:29

'There's something degrading about having a spouse for a rival. It's humiliating if you fail and commonplace if you succeed.'
-Glenn Close 'Dangerous Liasons'

SoupDragon · 27/01/2008 20:30

"I find it extraordinary how OW are seen as the evil tempters still"

My view is that having an affair with a married person knowing they have a husband/wife at home is despicable. Whilst not "evil tempters" they deserve nothing but contempt. They should wait for the marriage to be over before embarking on the relationship. If it's worth it, it'll wait.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 20:30

Totally agree with that last post, Monkeytrousers

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