Have any of you married your "lover"?

[MoreSpamThanGlam]

What I mean is, have you been the other woman and he left and then you got married?

Or have you/are you the other woman?

AND - does this mean that you are a troll of the relationship type (marriage wrecker/evil queen).

Arh, I see. I wasn't looking at the difference between seperated and divorced. Well that between the two people in the relationship isn't it. Nothing to do with me.

kew

I am so sorry - but IME this is a typical pattern, for whatever reason the adulter will not make the break and will actually be very cuel in letting the partner do everything they can and yet wanting out of the marriage. I think men like to be 'kicked' out for their bad behaviour so they can go and get comforted by the ow.

I know we never know what goes on in relationships and maybe if we could all be a little more open there could be more support when it is needed.

I guess this proves that not all afairs take the same pattern or happen under the same circumstances therefore the OW or anybody else involved should not be judged.

true Happywoman. FWIW I don't blame the OW, She wasn't lying to anyone, she wasn't married, she didn't know us. She didn't make the best choices in the world (as he didn't end up staying with her) but I can't get too worked up about her role, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

cardy - absolutely. Who the hell knows anything about what's going on in a relationship, bar a very few people? You really have to get pretty close to another couple (holidays, weekends at their home, really living with them) to get a feeling for what's going on, whether one party is put upon or exploited, or whether one party is just a totally uncivilised human being - how many people do we know that way?

I wouldnt say i judge but i do know that at some point anyone who is married has made a public commitment to another person, what goes on after that is not often known, but it does seem strange that too many times it is not until there is a get out after an affair and at that point all the years of 'happy' marriage is questioned. And all too often without much thought for the fall out.

HW - I completely agree that the marriage vows include quite a lot of commitments to another person.

What happens when some of those commitments are not honoured? At what point is infidelity justified because the other party is not honouring its other commitments?

Those commitments are hard to keep 100% of the time - in sickness and in health for richer for poorer. But i still do not believe that if my partner was not keeping his side i would not deliberatly do something to hurt him. 2 wrongs do not make a right and i just cannot see any reason for excusing having an affair and lying whatever the circumstances.

Of course it is not black and white and there will always be an exception to every rule.

I just think i have had the chance to get to know myself well enough to know absolutly that i will never do this.

As i have said my h has treated me very badly but throught that time i didnt think 'right you havent kept to your side of the deal therefore i can now justify my bad behaviour.' Maybe many of you think i should have done but that is just not me and not the kind of morals i wish my children to witness.

That may be why my h begged to return because he finally saw that in me.

And no i am not some rightous old fool either - i too have had my moments.