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Original poster

Have any of you married your "lover"?

334 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/01/2008 17:18

What I mean is, have you been the other woman and he left and then you got married?

Or have you/are you the other woman?

AND - does this mean that you are a troll of the relationship type (marriage wrecker/evil queen).

OP posts:
contentiouscat · 30/01/2008 10:57

I just find it really strange that you are unhappy in a relationship you have to jump into another...how strange this is 2008 is it really necessary to have a man in your life to be happy, is it impossible to be happy without a man.

NO WAY would I move on from DH and straight into another relationship dragging my children with me, there would be a long probationary period for a new relationship before a new partner would be allowed anywhere NEAR my children.

morningpaper · 30/01/2008 11:02

how strange this is 2008 is it really necessary to have a man in your life to be happy

well they weren't all men

contentiouscat · 30/01/2008 11:09

LOL

I just cant believe how many people still feel they need a partner to complete their life, obviously that is the ideal situation but fgs

YOU CAN Get your own home,

YOU CAN get your own friends,

YOU CAN have a wonderful inappropriate f*ck buddy

YOU CAN keep your children out of your mess!

Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 11:31

"Getting out of a crap marriage/relationship is a really hard thing to do by yourself, with no support from anyone (and frankly, if you are the person doing the 'leaving', then no one DOES want to offer you support)."

Completely agree, morningpaper. That's why it's so naïve of people to say that the person wanting out should put an end to the marriage before looking for another relationship - that is frequently an unviable position. The person is far too drained and exhausted to do it without emotional support and somewhere better to move on to.

blueshoes · 30/01/2008 12:10

anna, I hope you don't mind me asking. But you described your dp as having to leave his ex-wife and unhappy marriage (and you were not in the picture at that time). Was there a 3rd party in the picture?

Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 12:15

No, when he left his wife there was no third party. He moved out alone.

sprogger · 30/01/2008 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 12:47

sprogger - well, when you live with someone who isn't divorced and have a child with him, you definitely have an OW feeling

HappyWoman · 30/01/2008 12:47

And its bloody hard for the person who is left epecially as they are often not able to move on because they are not given the truth. They may have been fighting very hard to save the marriage. Most of the woman i know whos husbands have cheated have known things are not right so spend a lot of energy into trying to save the marriage only to be completely shattered by the knowledge of the ow.

The person leaving often does not think about the everyday chores that still have to be done and certainly seem to have very little regaurd for the children at this time. I would love to hear from the father who has gone into the school to 'explain' what has happened at home as there could be some problems with the children.

So these poor hard done by people who have had to suffer a bad relationship find the grass is really greener and so leave all the mess for the other to sort out.

cardy · 30/01/2008 12:49

I don't think all people go out actively looking for another relationship. I certainly didn't. I actually didn't realise how miserable my relationship was making me until how saw how happy I could be (in what was initially a friendship).

I think by saying get out of one relationship before starting a new one is idealistic and life isn't always as straight forward as that.

HappyWoman · 30/01/2008 12:50

Anna i wonder why he never felt the need to divorce his wife - it must have been a while - he left before meeting you and you had a relationship surely before starting a family so that must be at least a year. I know these things do take time or am i being completly niave here?

sprogger · 30/01/2008 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 12:52

HappyWoman - we're in France, so first of all divorce law is very different to the UK and timing is not the same.

Secondly - lots of excellent financial reasons (tax). That's the same reason we'll never marry.

Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 12:53

sprogger - I'm not dramatising anything, I'm just teasing you a bit .

FWIW, you do get treated by all kinds of people as an OW when you're shacked up and have a child with someone who is not yet divorced.

HappyWoman · 30/01/2008 12:56

I agree cardy - my point is though not to lie to another person.

Too often i think the ow is lied to too, she thinks he will leave his wife and in reality he is not ready to. And that is where the confusion and lies come into it.

I think most peopple would understand that new relationships can and do form before the end of another

The hurt is caused by the total lack of respect for the betrayed partner. It makes you feel as if you are not even worthy of the real truth about the relationship you are in and often investing in too.

What i am saying is that in that situation there is a lot of anger and it is directed at anyone who 'knows' what is going on including the ow/om

cardy · 30/01/2008 12:57

My dh's ex (who has remarried) has said to him recently that it is unfortunate that they ever got married (in a nice way) as she sees that he and her are both much happier in the relationships they are in now. She understands (although doesn't condone) why he had an affair. This comment was, of course, made in hindsight however even just after their split there was never any strong animosity between them.

HappyWoman · 30/01/2008 13:00

And do you think that is right to be treated like the ow? I would never openly be horrid to someone but i do make my views clear wrt to adultery, but i am equally thick skinned enough to be corrected.

Kewcumber · 30/01/2008 13:03

when I discovered my dad had an affair I also felt betrayed. He was spending time with a woman and not with his family. He lied to me and I didn't ever trust him again.

cardy · 30/01/2008 13:07

Having been the OW I wasn't lied to so I'm not able to comment on that from a personal point of view.

However my dh's ex was lied to and that, of course, is wrong but I guess that's the nature of affairs (I don't mean that in a glib way). There are bound to be lies when its a case confused emotions versus trying to do the 'right thing' (e.g. end the affair/end the relationship).

HappyWoman · 30/01/2008 13:08

I am glad cardy - but this is not often the case. When an affair occurs the person in the affair has a chance to move on from the relationship and can take time to work it out. However the betrayed spouse has not the luxury of this time and is emotionally way behind.

I am not a believer in marriages having to stick it out i just want everyone to look at themselves and realise that affairs are 'wrong' in that they cause unnecessary pain which could be lessened with the truth.

Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 13:08

HW - I have a very thick skin about these things and don't let it bother me. However, I do not make concessions to those people that do take that point of view.

Marriage in France is a very odd business IMO - the marriage contracts and the rights and responsibilities of each partner are pretty different to England. Very hard to unravel and to explain one's own choices to others.

cardy · 30/01/2008 13:11

Treated like the OW by who? I don't think adultry is acceptable but I would never treat anybody badly because they have committed adultry. I (or anybody else) don't know what goes within a married relationship nor do I know the details of anybodies circumstances. Who am I to judge?

Kewcumber · 30/01/2008 13:11

the problem is that I don't think for a minute that my dad ever tried to do the right thing. Just behaved appalingly to my mum in the hopes that she would make the decision, when she put up with all the crap and was obviously fighting for her marriage, he pretended to go along with at all (Relate etc). Then just didn't bother coming home from work one day

Kewcumber · 30/01/2008 13:12

I wish I lived on the same planet Anna does. Its so civilised.

Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 13:14

cardy - well, some people think that when couples separate, for as long as they are not actually divorced there is a possibility that they will get back together. So if you shack up with someone in that position and have a child, you become responsible for them not getting back together...

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