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Original poster

Have any of you married your "lover"?

334 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/01/2008 17:18

What I mean is, have you been the other woman and he left and then you got married?

Or have you/are you the other woman?

AND - does this mean that you are a troll of the relationship type (marriage wrecker/evil queen).

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 16:43

If you don't aim to be happy, what on earth is the point of life? You aren't doing anyone any good at all by being miserable.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 16:43

Yes.

NKF · 27/01/2008 16:44

Well, I think the point of life is to live a good one. To do the right thing, to be fair and just and kind and to do one's duty. We were raised in different schools, Anna.

I didn't say one should aim at misery.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 16:46

I think being good, fair, just and kind generally makes one happy, and in that sense being good etc is a means to an end.

Not sure about duty though. What is duty?

SnappyLaGore · 27/01/2008 16:46

well id like to be fair kind just and happy, ta v much.

Carmenere · 27/01/2008 16:47

I would like to teach my dd that life is about the journey, about being happy in the now and not putting off and waiting for life to be happy. I don't want dd to think that she should settle for a dull married life.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 16:48

Carmenere - absolutely. Tomorrow might never come.

NKF · 27/01/2008 16:50

I don't see how being happy in the here and now reconciles with the idea of life as a journey.

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 27/01/2008 16:52

I think that its just not cut and dried. What is acceptable for one is not for the other.

For example - some may think their dh looking at porn is grounds for divorce and others may think that spending a month without sex is (ok Im exagerating, but you get the gist).

I didnt start this thread to be controversial or hurt anyone, but there is always a different perspective on each relationship.

Some men (and women)go out of their way to look for someone to have an affair with and for some its the circumstances that end up forcing their hand and for some its just a friendship that was never intended for anything more than just that and it grows, and before you know it you are in love.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 16:52

NKF - why on earth not?

Take pleasure in what you do and learn each day. What you do and learn each day will form part of greater learnings and insights.

Carmenere · 27/01/2008 16:54

Life is about enjoying the journey NFK.

NKF · 27/01/2008 16:54

But should you leave your children because you don't love their mother? You might think so but your children might think differently. And I know there are many people who say they hate the fact their parents stayed together for their sake, there are also many people who can date their going off the rails from their parents' divorce.

You can't be sure how your actions will affect other people.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 16:56

NKF - it sounds very much as if you are clinging to your marriage... am I wrong?

NKF · 27/01/2008 16:57

The aim of life has preoccupied people since time began. The idea that it's about enjoying a journey is only one point of view.

I'm not an unhappy person. I just don't think happiness is my life's goal.

NKF · 27/01/2008 16:58

Not at all Anna. It sounds very much as if you need to think positively about divorce in order to feel positive about your relationship. But I daresay I'm wrong.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 17:00

I'm not remotely preoccupied by the aim of life .

Human beings are the most successful species on the planet. Our goal in life is to reproduce and make new, even better, genetically superior humans.

Other than that - enjoy the journey and don't harm others more than you have to to ensure you get a fair deal.

MuthaHubbard · 27/01/2008 17:00

Agree with Anna8888 and Carmenere.

If you don't enjoy life, what's the point?

I would rather do myself in than spend the next 50 years with someone who makes me desparately unhappy and lonely, for the sake of the children who will move out and on. I would hate my dc to think that being in an adult relationship means being miserable, unhappy, unloving and uncaring.

Cashncarry · 27/01/2008 17:00

That's a bit unfair Anna - it sounds as though you're trying to make NKF uncomfortable on a personal level because you disagree with her

I can see NFK's viewpoint - on the one hand it does seem very selfish for someone to walk out on their family simply because of the (sometimes short-lived) pleasure they have derived from their affair.

On the other hand, I would be devastated if DH hung around with me simply by virtue of the fact that we have a DC together - I'd feel cheated tbh.

NKF · 27/01/2008 17:00

Ah. I am preoccupied by the aim of life. Different schools of thought you see.

SnappyLaGore · 27/01/2008 17:00

well, tbh, as a small child i prob would have preferred them to stay together and pretend all was well, sure.

but would i have been so happy with it as i grew into a young woman and began to notice how unhappy they were with each other? my parents are pretty good friends now but i doubt they wuld be had they stayed together. they were making each other miserable. what kind of an example would they be?

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 17:04

If I didn't think that we were all much better off today than a few years ago, I probably wouldn't think divorce had so much going for it.

In our case, both my partner and his ex-wife have new partners that they are much better suited to, and the children have a great life.

But the quality of my relationship has absolutely nothing to do with divorce.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 17:06

If you could just stop being preoccupied with the aim of life, you might find it much easier just to enjoy it

NKF · 27/01/2008 17:08

I do enjoy life Anna. You misunderstand me entirely.

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 27/01/2008 17:11

I am a bit in the middle in my view point. I think that we should set about being happy in our lives, but at the same time respectful of those that we have a relationship with (dh, kids, parents, friends). I think it is pointless to stay in a desperately unhappy relationship for the sake of the children. However, if we just set about making ourselves happy half of us would bugger off every time the kids starting moaning. So not realistic IMO.

If my dh was unhappy and didnt want to be with me (and we had tried to resolve it adequately) then I would rather he was elsewhere than with me.

I do think it depends on your experience as a child as to how you conduct your adult relationships.

I think you have a very valid opinion NKF.

OP posts:
SnappyLaGore · 27/01/2008 17:15

i do agree that upping and offing at the first sign of trouble is irresponsible, and rubbish behaviour when you have dc's happiness to think of before your own.

but i dont think that people neccessarily do that. i think most people have put more thought into a decision to leave than some would give them credit for.

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