Would this put you off? Should I give him a chance or ghost/block?

[OhHenry]

Hi all,

Though I would start my own thread as I had sort of hijacked another thread

Over summer my friend gave her boyfriends work colleague my number to set us up. He is European. Took us ages to set up a date as both were away over summer etc.

Before our date he decided he was going to return to his home country to live but said he still really wanted to meet.

I think he decided to return as he was fired from his job. He was front of house in the restaurant my friends boyfriend also worked at. Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry.

Another friend of mine said he might just be fiery just due to his nationality and not to let it put me off. He is Spanish/Dutch.

Anyway, went on the date. Met in a bar. He bought the drinks, we only stayed for one round and then went to get something to eat ( he had actually said to me over text he would take me to a nice restaurant) ....however we went out on a Sunday night as it's the only night I was available before he went back home. It was pretty quiet and some restaurants were closed so we just went to a pizza place.

He also told me on this date that before that restaurant job he worked in a local hotel and got into a disagreement with the owners son, got sacked and permanently banned from the hotel lol.

Anyway, the bill was only £40 and I got my card out as I have always offered to split the bill on a date...he wanted to split it and I was a little surprised. I've never been asked to split the bill and the guy has always insisted on paying...and yes I do like that and like to feel treated etc.

Next we moved onto a bar. He had a beer and a Cocktail and I had two cocktails. Again I got my card out to split, but the waiter automatically took it all of his card as he went to pay first. The waiter was around our age, so not like he is from a different generation. (30's) .I felt awkward and the guy I was on the date with said ' oh you can just send me the money' ...he uses revolut which I don't have so I said sorry I don't have that/know how it works and if you weren't going back home I would get the drinks another time....so he said 'yea just buy me one in Spain'

We went back to his ( I paid for the taxi) and I didn't stay long. Had a kiss but that was it.

Anyway, he went back to Spain a few days later and said bad timing as he had just been on a date with me. We have been texting and he has invited me out to Spain. I said I would go but would obviously not stay at his place.

Not the weekend past but the weekend before he took a few days to reply to a message. He Has done this before. So when he messaged back, he said he was swamped with work etc, sorry for the late reply.

I ignored because I'm not going to rush to respond when he hasn't. Also the whole asking me for money for cocktails and splitting dinner bill really is a turn off for me, so I kind of thought ' okay I'll just leave it'

But then he sent more messages saying he will buy me a ticket to Spain if I guess the following song ( sent a clip of him playing the guitar) again I didn't respond, so he sent another message saying ' I hope you aren't ghosting me because you found a more handsome and spanisher lad to talk to' ...again I ignored so a few days later he sent me a message asking if I was okay. I was actually in London at this point to get a minor operation so was a tad nervous and distracted. . I get back from theatre and there is another message from him saying 'if there is a reason you are not talking to me I would like to know. Not gonna be begging for your attention but I'd be disappointed if we stopped talking and I didn't know the reason why...'

So I actually sent him a hospital selfie and Said not a great time for me etc just had surgery...so he has been all attentive, checking in with me etc. said that he would like to spend more time with me and enjoy my company whether in Spain or in my city. And that he wishes we had seen more of each other before he went back home, I seem really nice and he would like to see more of it etc etc.

I'm not sure now how to get him to stop talking to me! I am actually signed up to a dating agency which I had to postpone due to my surgery, so part of me was like I should see where it goes with this guy, then the other part of me thought no, wait and see how to dating agency thing goes.

I can't ghost him as he will just keep sending me messages. Blocking feels a tad harsh...part of me wants to tell him that his meanness with dinner etc really turned me off.

But there do seem to be a few red flags don't there?!

Any advice appreciated. I've been very inactive on the dating scene and feel out of touch....

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

Him yelling at people is a bit of a red flag because you don't know his temperament.

I really hate the idea that the male has to pay for everything. It doesn't sit right with me. That wouldn't turn me off at all and could actually be a red flag in you that you wished to be wined and dined. I mean you ate, you drank why wouldn't you pay your half.

The bill splitting wouldn't be an issue for me, but it's very clear from your post that, for whatever reasons, you're not feeling it for this guy. Shouting at a waitress (or any work colleague) is a huge red flag and he also sounds rather demanding.

I think you should tell him firmly that you don't see a future for the two of you, you feel it best to cut contact, and you wish him well. If he continues to contact you after that, block him.

Why don't you just tell him that you wish him the best of luck but that it's not right for you.

A guy who has been fired twice over his uncontrolled temper is a glaring red flag. Once might be an isolated incident. Twice is a pattern. I wouldn't touch him with a pole...

Block him, it’s not too harsh to do that now. If he kept on sending you messages that are unwanted by you such contact amounts to harassment.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher than it currently is going forward too. There were red flags re him that you either minimised or excused beforehand, why is this?.

Plenty of red flags there and really too much hassle in the grand scheme of things.

Just tell him you enjoyed your evening together but being in different countries just isn’t going to work for you in terms of dating/relationships and that you wish him well and hope he meets someone else soon.

Then either block or keep repeating it isn’t going to work for you and ask him not to contact you again.

As you have reservations, can't you just tell him that you aren't interested a long distance relationship? Who want a new guy who starts in another country by choice?

I do think the getting fired for yelling at people is a definite red flag and I'd just send him a message that you're not looking to get involved now after your surgery, etc. If he continues to bother you after that then I'd block him.

I really don't understand the "meanness at dinner" comment though. Him wanting to split the bill may be cheap or not gallant enough for you, but how was it mean?

Why should he pay for you to eat and drink ?
i think the red flag comes from you having this expectation!

His losing his job for yelling would be a red flag for me. You getting your hand out and being grabby wanting men to pay for you is a huge red flag and if I went out with a bloke who’d expected that I’d fuck him right off.

If he yells at people in public imagine what he's like in private? Bargepole!

He said he would take you to a nice restaurant, but instead you went for a pizza and he wanted to split the bill. Splitting the bill is fine, but he’d already said that he would take you out. That’s weird. He sounds odd and flaky to me.

Just block him, raise your standards and block him. Life is too short for wishy washy flaky people

Block him or ghost him???? How old are you 15?
Just message and tell him you don't want to take things any further like a proper grown up. If he continues to message, then you can block him.

who rattled your cage

calm down

Yes, a variety of the things you mention would put me off. Red flags aplenty.

But I'd simply tell him the incredibly long distance is going to make any sort of dating pretty difficult and that trying to arrange to see each other around personal and professional commitments is already proving to be a barrier.

I wouldn't mention the money issue. I'm not a fan of splitting the bill on a date either. I'm more of a 'you get this one and I'll get the next one' sort of person. Literally working out each others share of expenses on a date just ruins the romance entirely for me. And then my date asking me to transfer him my half would definitely make me feel a bit ick too).

Just politely say long distance doesn't work for you and wish him the best.

I don't understand why you think the only options are a) give him a chance, b) ghost, c) block.

Don't give him a chance because you're obviously not into him.

Don't ghost him because that's rude.

You don't need to block yet.

Choose d) Communicate like a normal adult and tell him sorry, you're not feeling it, all the best, bye.

If he doesn't get the message and continues to contact you, then it's block time.

You'd be a red flag for ignoring messages for days. You are playing with him as you are not sure, and rightly so. Tieing yourself to a long distance thing where you are both playing 'ignore the message' ping-pong, is not going to work.
Also, sacked for shouting at a woman, in front of others, at her place of work - totally unacceptable, whatever culture you are from, it's plain wrong. Why 'lol' at him being sacked prior? It's becoming a pattern and is not a laughing matter, even if he says it is.

Why are you being so passive? Of course it’s a red flag that he’s been fired from 2 jobs for his temper! I don’t know why you agreed to meet him in the first place, plus the fact he was about to move to Spain. You’re being stupid about the bill splitting though. Men aren’t obliged to pay because they have a penis.

If you dont want to contribute to the bill why get your card out and offer. That so contrived.

@KateADM
@Fidgety31
@Begoniasforever

He told me that he wanted to 'take my out and treat me to dinner and drinks' he told me that and set the expectation, not me. I always offer to pay my share. Then he asked me to split the dinner bill and to send him money for drinks.

What's interesting is the male waiter automatically took the money for the drinks all of my dates card, even though I was sitting there with my card in my hand. Which shows there are plenty of men who don't mind treating a woman to a meal, there was an automatic assumption there.

@Begoniasforever - I'm not grabby thanks. I'm actually very generous and any other date I have been on the guy just wouldn't accept money off me and they have certainly never accused me of being 'grabby' and seen it as a red flag.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - I know my bar is way too low at the moment. Low confidence I think.

@AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut - exactly. Thank you for seeing my point. Why tell someone you will treat them then back pedal on that? It just didn't sit that well with me.

@CatOnAHotTinRoof- exactly. I just felt it ruined the romance slightly. I would like a bit of romance and transferring money ain't romance.

The thing is if I say to him 'oh too long distance' he will say well it wasn't an issue a few weeks back! He does also have a few friends here so my concern is he will say ' oh I am coming back to visit such and such anyways, so you won't need to travel'

With regards to him loosing those jobs. I think I have tried to excuse it because his family own a bar/restaurant in Spain....he is used to being the boss etc so maybe has a different way of working and Isn't used to working for someone else etc....

Be on your own for now and don’t date till you’ve sorted out your issues. Read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Just tell him you’ve decided a long distant relationship isn’t going to work for you. Jesus!

Just get rid ..and remember never go back to someone's house on a first date .

I like to think I wouldn't even've dated him due to him being sacked for yelling at a woman and making her cry.

I suggest you could tell him the things he did that put you off, then block. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting to hear from or communicate with him anymore.

I would genuinely want to, and would, split the bill. But if him doing so turns you off then it turns you off.

Him not going 'oh it's ok, don't worry about it' about him paying for meal #2 is stingy. But I suppose maybe he didn't have a job at the time (unless he got a new one to tide him over till he went to Spain?)