Would this put you off? Should I give him a chance or ghost/block?

[OhHenry]

Hi all,

Though I would start my own thread as I had sort of hijacked another thread

Over summer my friend gave her boyfriends work colleague my number to set us up. He is European. Took us ages to set up a date as both were away over summer etc.

Before our date he decided he was going to return to his home country to live but said he still really wanted to meet.

I think he decided to return as he was fired from his job. He was front of house in the restaurant my friends boyfriend also worked at. Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry.

Another friend of mine said he might just be fiery just due to his nationality and not to let it put me off. He is Spanish/Dutch.

Anyway, went on the date. Met in a bar. He bought the drinks, we only stayed for one round and then went to get something to eat ( he had actually said to me over text he would take me to a nice restaurant) ....however we went out on a Sunday night as it's the only night I was available before he went back home. It was pretty quiet and some restaurants were closed so we just went to a pizza place.

He also told me on this date that before that restaurant job he worked in a local hotel and got into a disagreement with the owners son, got sacked and permanently banned from the hotel lol.

Anyway, the bill was only £40 and I got my card out as I have always offered to split the bill on a date...he wanted to split it and I was a little surprised. I've never been asked to split the bill and the guy has always insisted on paying...and yes I do like that and like to feel treated etc.

Next we moved onto a bar. He had a beer and a Cocktail and I had two cocktails. Again I got my card out to split, but the waiter automatically took it all of his card as he went to pay first. The waiter was around our age, so not like he is from a different generation. (30's) .I felt awkward and the guy I was on the date with said ' oh you can just send me the money' ...he uses revolut which I don't have so I said sorry I don't have that/know how it works and if you weren't going back home I would get the drinks another time....so he said 'yea just buy me one in Spain'

We went back to his ( I paid for the taxi) and I didn't stay long. Had a kiss but that was it.

Anyway, he went back to Spain a few days later and said bad timing as he had just been on a date with me. We have been texting and he has invited me out to Spain. I said I would go but would obviously not stay at his place.

Not the weekend past but the weekend before he took a few days to reply to a message. He Has done this before. So when he messaged back, he said he was swamped with work etc, sorry for the late reply.

I ignored because I'm not going to rush to respond when he hasn't. Also the whole asking me for money for cocktails and splitting dinner bill really is a turn off for me, so I kind of thought ' okay I'll just leave it'

But then he sent more messages saying he will buy me a ticket to Spain if I guess the following song ( sent a clip of him playing the guitar) again I didn't respond, so he sent another message saying ' I hope you aren't ghosting me because you found a more handsome and spanisher lad to talk to' ...again I ignored so a few days later he sent me a message asking if I was okay. I was actually in London at this point to get a minor operation so was a tad nervous and distracted. . I get back from theatre and there is another message from him saying 'if there is a reason you are not talking to me I would like to know. Not gonna be begging for your attention but I'd be disappointed if we stopped talking and I didn't know the reason why...'

So I actually sent him a hospital selfie and Said not a great time for me etc just had surgery...so he has been all attentive, checking in with me etc. said that he would like to spend more time with me and enjoy my company whether in Spain or in my city. And that he wishes we had seen more of each other before he went back home, I seem really nice and he would like to see more of it etc etc.

I'm not sure now how to get him to stop talking to me! I am actually signed up to a dating agency which I had to postpone due to my surgery, so part of me was like I should see where it goes with this guy, then the other part of me thought no, wait and see how to dating agency thing goes.

I can't ghost him as he will just keep sending me messages. Blocking feels a tad harsh...part of me wants to tell him that his meanness with dinner etc really turned me off.

But there do seem to be a few red flags don't there?!

Any advice appreciated. I've been very inactive on the dating scene and feel out of touch....

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

@RandomMusings7 - whoops typo lol ...but I won't 'dish' anything else lol

@northernlight20 - I've read much much worse on here and managed not to comment. So what, it's an advice forum after all

Why do I feel like a massive bitch?!

It's not really "human decency", though - if he's got any sense that you're avoiding the question, the decent thing would have been to drop it.

Notice how his response (which is along the lines of, "I need to tell you how adult interactions work because you can't figure this out yourself; your perspective here is wrong") has you questioning yourself and wanting to raise yourself in his eyes again. This is all very unhealthy and a clear indication that you're doing the right thing leaving it there.

Feel free to block now!

you are not a massive bitch, but you sound like you are incredibly hard work and love drama. shouldnt be this much hard work. you dont like the guy, you have finished it, block, delete, ignore and move the heck on!!!

polishes mirror and angles it towards OP

@Stravaig - gosh you're very clever aren't you. I wish I was as clever and witty as you. 😁

I’m from Spain and this man has a lot of red flags 🚩. He sounds abusive, cheap and with a temper. He also sounds immature, the type who doesn’t take much accountability for his actions, he was fired twice literally for being an ass-ole but “it’s everyone’s fault”. Stay away from him. A nice polite short message: “ it was great to meet you but this is not going to work out. I wish you the best” is enough. If he demands explanations just tell him that “it doesn’t work for you end of”. If you don’t want to block him silence his messsages and don’t respond. You’ve already explained yourself enough.

Since you've asked, and going off your comments on this thread and thought processes, he's right.

@Sandra1984 - thank you for your post!

@arethereanyleftatall - you must not have read a of of this thread. Plenty of people stating this guy has some really dodgy red flags

*a lot of

Having read through all the thread , my take on him, is .. he sounds a bit of a cheapskate and being fired for his angry outbursts is a huge red flag . If he contacts you again reply , “I had a great evening with you but that’s as far as it goes for me , take care “ and then feel free to block if he persists .. you don’t even know this man really so it’s none of his business why you were in hospital , the fact he’s refusing to stop prodding to find out doesn’t snack of concern to me

*smack

The splitting the bill is not a red flag - it's 2022 for goodness sake!

I wouldn't have gone on the date knowing what you heard about him. Personally having a date with someone about to leave the country would have been a waste of time so I wouldn't have bothered. You did though so that is irrelevant now.

I think you owe him some kind of explanation and to just ignore his messages is rude and childish.

@Rockschooldropout - yea he really kept pushing the hospital thing. Does he not have the sense to think ' oh it might be a lady's/womens issue so best not to keep asking'

It was a Breast procedure so sort of was a female/personal issue lol

@OhHenry you’re under no obligation to tell him .
For me , having been in a relationship with a man who could be charming one minute then fly into a rage the next , focus on his outbursts that were so severe he was sacked , this isn’t someone you want to pursue anything with , chalk it up to an evening out and tell him that . He does deserve an explanation but after one date should accept the “sorry it’s not for me “ answer

@neighboursmustliveon - I did give him an explanation. I told him I don't want to do something long distance

Then he started pushing and pushing about the hospital thing

He comes across from what you say as a bit of an arrogant twat with a temper, which is good enough reason to have nothing to do with him. But I'm afraid you come across as a bit immature and attention seeking.
He'd sent you some messages which you decided to ignore until you could send one of yourself in hospital, saying only then it was a bad time.

You don't appear to be interested in this guy aside from his looks and he lives in a different country, so it's SUPER easy to just tell him you're not interested/seeing someone else/leaving the country to work with monkeys in the jungle - if you actually wanted to. But I think you're enjoying the game and the attention he's giving you.

I’ve been supportive all thread, but you’re being ridiculous now. This is silly behaviour. Stop engaging with this nonsense. Just stop it.

So block him or stop replying to him.
The issue has been dealt with
Let it go

This. Both red flags, would advise both parties to run away.

I would ditch him for being fired from two different jobs for being abusive to other staff. I don’t care if he’s used to being the boss’s son back home - doesn’t mean he gets to treat his colleagues poorly.

(Honestly a second red flag might be him pursuing you this hard, when he lives in a different country, and has only just met you.)

Just end it. You don’t have to ghost, you also don’t have to give a reason. “Hi C, thanks for your message, sorry for slow reply, I was thinking about what to do. The truth is this situation simply isn’t working for me, and I have decided that I’d rather be single at the moment. Hope you understand. I don’t want a long conversation now I’ve made that decision so I think it’s best we don’t contact each other anymore. Best wishes, OP” Then block.

If I've understood correctly, he offered to treat you but then didn't. He went right the other way, even suggesting you send him money. Then, when you end it, he replies by pushing for personal medical details.

I think he's playing with your boundaries. I wouldn't trust him any further. I would block him.

@Tsort - okay yes I know. Massive overthink on my part.

@SandAndSea - yes the pushing for health issues is really odd...I feel like messaging and saying 'actually I had fandango surgery does that meet with your approval?' 😅😅

Just because he's still playing a tune, doesn't mean you should still be dancing to it. For your own self-respect, I think it's important to be clear within yourself about what you're doing here. You told him you were ending it. If you mean that, then it's over. Stop dancing.

@SandAndSea - no I'm not dancing to his tune. But he has managed to turn it round that he is the one ending things with ' I'm not wasting My time with you anymore'

I feel like blocking now so he cannot contact again