Would this put you off? Should I give him a chance or ghost/block?

[OhHenry]

Hi all,

Though I would start my own thread as I had sort of hijacked another thread

Over summer my friend gave her boyfriends work colleague my number to set us up. He is European. Took us ages to set up a date as both were away over summer etc.

Before our date he decided he was going to return to his home country to live but said he still really wanted to meet.

I think he decided to return as he was fired from his job. He was front of house in the restaurant my friends boyfriend also worked at. Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry.

Another friend of mine said he might just be fiery just due to his nationality and not to let it put me off. He is Spanish/Dutch.

Anyway, went on the date. Met in a bar. He bought the drinks, we only stayed for one round and then went to get something to eat ( he had actually said to me over text he would take me to a nice restaurant) ....however we went out on a Sunday night as it's the only night I was available before he went back home. It was pretty quiet and some restaurants were closed so we just went to a pizza place.

He also told me on this date that before that restaurant job he worked in a local hotel and got into a disagreement with the owners son, got sacked and permanently banned from the hotel lol.

Anyway, the bill was only £40 and I got my card out as I have always offered to split the bill on a date...he wanted to split it and I was a little surprised. I've never been asked to split the bill and the guy has always insisted on paying...and yes I do like that and like to feel treated etc.

Next we moved onto a bar. He had a beer and a Cocktail and I had two cocktails. Again I got my card out to split, but the waiter automatically took it all of his card as he went to pay first. The waiter was around our age, so not like he is from a different generation. (30's) .I felt awkward and the guy I was on the date with said ' oh you can just send me the money' ...he uses revolut which I don't have so I said sorry I don't have that/know how it works and if you weren't going back home I would get the drinks another time....so he said 'yea just buy me one in Spain'

We went back to his ( I paid for the taxi) and I didn't stay long. Had a kiss but that was it.

Anyway, he went back to Spain a few days later and said bad timing as he had just been on a date with me. We have been texting and he has invited me out to Spain. I said I would go but would obviously not stay at his place.

Not the weekend past but the weekend before he took a few days to reply to a message. He Has done this before. So when he messaged back, he said he was swamped with work etc, sorry for the late reply.

I ignored because I'm not going to rush to respond when he hasn't. Also the whole asking me for money for cocktails and splitting dinner bill really is a turn off for me, so I kind of thought ' okay I'll just leave it'

But then he sent more messages saying he will buy me a ticket to Spain if I guess the following song ( sent a clip of him playing the guitar) again I didn't respond, so he sent another message saying ' I hope you aren't ghosting me because you found a more handsome and spanisher lad to talk to' ...again I ignored so a few days later he sent me a message asking if I was okay. I was actually in London at this point to get a minor operation so was a tad nervous and distracted. . I get back from theatre and there is another message from him saying 'if there is a reason you are not talking to me I would like to know. Not gonna be begging for your attention but I'd be disappointed if we stopped talking and I didn't know the reason why...'

So I actually sent him a hospital selfie and Said not a great time for me etc just had surgery...so he has been all attentive, checking in with me etc. said that he would like to spend more time with me and enjoy my company whether in Spain or in my city. And that he wishes we had seen more of each other before he went back home, I seem really nice and he would like to see more of it etc etc.

I'm not sure now how to get him to stop talking to me! I am actually signed up to a dating agency which I had to postpone due to my surgery, so part of me was like I should see where it goes with this guy, then the other part of me thought no, wait and see how to dating agency thing goes.

I can't ghost him as he will just keep sending me messages. Blocking feels a tad harsh...part of me wants to tell him that his meanness with dinner etc really turned me off.

But there do seem to be a few red flags don't there?!

Any advice appreciated. I've been very inactive on the dating scene and feel out of touch....

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

how am I a massive hypocrite?! If someone says they are going to do something, I expect them to follow through with it, that's called integrity. How embarrassing to tell someone you will treat them and then ask them for money.

He didn't ask you for money.
He told you he'd pay, then you got your wallet out.

And yet again, you are fulminating about being paid for, & glossing over this man's horrible temper.

The whole thing is pointless because he lives in another country. Don't waste your time.

@KettrickenSmiled - you need to read my post properly.

We split dinner. Then moved onto a cocktail bar...I got my card out exactly the same time as he did. He didn't offer his card first. The waiter then took it all of him.

My date then said to me ' you can send me the money' , so umm yea he did ask for money off me, despite telling me he wanted to 'treat me to dinner and drinks'

And before you say why did I offer my card? Because he had also said he would pay for dinner then wanted to split it, so I knew he wouldn't pay for the drinks.

I don't think I need to spend any more time reading your posts OP.
The MOST important thing about any man is whether he will pay for you - we all got your memo - & the fact of his nasty temper getting him fired from 2 jobs needn't worry you at all.

The friend who set you up with this man isn't your friend btw.
Who does that to another woman? - he made his colleague cry & was banned from his ex employer's hotel, his behaviour is that bad, yet she told you to ignore it "because foreign = fiery" ffs.

The OP only seems interested in relitigating whether he should have paid in tedious detail, which isn't even all that relevant to the question she asked.

Like @KettrickenSmiled I'm raising an eyebrow that his anger issues barely merit a raised eyebrow from the OP but splitting the bill is apparently so important that she has to argue the minutiae of it with every single poster who disagrees. Wrong red flag! And it doesn't matter anyway. Regardless of what we think this is an incompatibility. She shouldn't date him. She shouldn't ghost him. She should send one simple message ending things clearly and then that should draw a line under all this non-drama.

What a load of fuss over nothing. You went on a date, you didn’t like how you were treated, he now lives in another country but you think he won’t accept your reason for telling him you want to leave it there?! So what? Since when did women need a man’s permission to break up with him?

As for who should pay, I can see both sides. I’ve always paid for myself or taken turns (so that you can both feel treated) because I expect and want an equal relationship. But if you want a more traditional relationship, in which men tend to benefit a lot from a woman’s free labour, then why not also want a traditional date where he pays? Seems fair to me.

God the more you write, the worse you come across. Talk about hard work. A typical scenario of an OP “adding more to the story” when they get people who dare go against their way of thinking 🙄

Just forget about him, he clearly doesn’t live up to your expectation of paying for everything. Continue looking with your dating agency, I’m sure there are plenty of men who will love to “treat you” urgh 🙄

ps. Love being called a cool girl 😂

Adding what to the story? The detail is right there in the original post:

(he had actually said to me over text he would take me to a nice restaurant)

@gannett - obviously the anger issues are a red flag yes. But upon meeting him it seemed so hard to believe that he would have anger issues. He seems like the opposite of someone with anger issues, very, very mellow.

He himself told me that he had a disagreement with the hotel owners son, so I thought it was just a case of maybe having different management styles! He didn't try to hide it, he openly told me...so part of me thought, well, maybe nothing to hide there.

And the shouting at the waitress was something my friends boyfriend told me, my date didn't mention this.

@Rubystyles - I haven't added to any story. Perhaps just read it properly.

Can you honestly say you don't find it odd that someone says ' I want to take you to a nice restaurant and treat you to dinner and drinks' then splits the bill and asks me to pay money into his bank account....genuinely you don't think that's odd?!

And it was him that used the word treat!

obviously the anger issues are a red flag yes. But upon meeting him it seemed so hard to believe that he would have anger issues. He seems like the opposite of someone with anger issues, very, very mellow

He may have seemed that way, but the facts are there, fired from 2 jobs because of his temper.

You realise that abusive men (for example) don’t behave like arseholes the whole time? That they can actually be charming and funny and seem nice? People aren’t one dimensional, however nice he may have seemed, you know for a fact, that he has been let go from not one, but TWO jobs because of his temper. That should be a much bigger red flag for you than splitting the bill.

Someone who has control over when they show their anger (and reduce someone they see as inferior to tears) is more worrying than someone who's just always a bit aggressive, I'd have thought.

I just wouldn't be with someone capable of that treatment of others - you never know when it'll be pointed in your direction probably when you first disagree with him

You’re getting a rather hard time for wanting to be wined and dined. I think that if someone tells you that they want to take you to a nice restaurant, then the clear implication is that they are paying for dinner. I’d have binned him for that, alone. Tbh, the ‘fiery temper’ thing probably would have been sufficient reason for me not to go out with him in the first place.

Anyway, that’s in the past. Re the present, I’m not sure why you think blocking or ghosting are your main options? Just tell him you’re not interested. If he persists, obviously block him then. But I’m not getting why just saying ‘I’m no longer interested’ (going on what’s in your post) hasn’t occurred to you?

I’m not being snarky, I genuinely don’t understand. If there’s something I’m missing, please tell me.

@Naunet and @CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

I know the anger issues are red flags. But I guess it's a case if I wasn't there, so I can't be certain what happened.

Two sides to every story. I thought it was maybe just a case Of him maybe not toeing the line at the hotel he worked at. He knew he had a family business to go back to and a house in Spain, so got sacked for just not following orders, rather than aggression.

I don't know what happened with the waitress but it was the manager of the second restaurant who sacked him...whereas he told me he went for lunch with the actual owner before he left To go back to Spain, so I thought, well maybe I don't know the full story.

@Tsort - I am getting a really hard time over wanting to be wined and dined yes. People are acting as though it's a completely alien concept that they have never even heard of.....a man taking a woman out for dinner...how unusual 😂

Yes, I know you are not being snarky. He is not the type to give up easily. Basically when he told me he was going back to Spain I was like 'oh right no point in meeting then' and instead of accepting that he bombarded me with long paragraphs about why I should still meet him anyway, and yep I gave in and met him.

Saying ' I'm not interested' of course has occurred to me. But he won't just be like 'oh, okay'

He text me yday and I didn't feel up to replying to he has text me again today asking is everything okay, I hadn't properly opened it just saw it on my front screen. Before I had the time to reply he sent another message an hour ago saying 'I don't want to be needy or attention seeking, but you know...you are in hospital' (I'm out now but hadn't mentioned that)

So yes, I kind of think aww it's nice of him to check up on me....maybe he isn't a bad guy...and I just don't want to be a bitch to someone who maybe has a good heart.

You love the drama. Of course you could easily ended this if you wanted to, but you love it. You don’t need any help to deal with this because a 12 year old would quite easily be able to end it if they were so inclined. I feel sad for you that creating and prolonging this unnecessary drama is the only way you can create some excitement in your life.

Nah, fuck that. You don’t owe some random dude your time and attention. Even without all the other factors, you wouldn’t owe him your time and attention.

He doesn’t get to ‘not accept it’. You say ‘I have told you I’m not interested, stop messaging me’. If he doesn’t stop, you block him. Actually, if he keeps messaging you after you’ve told him you’re not interested, you don’t need to give him the second warning. Hot block. However, I do think that - unless someone is abusive or very offensive in some way - they should get the courtesy initial ‘I’m no longer interested’.

You’ve been sucked into the whole ‘being nice’ thing that means women put themselves out to protect and cater to the feelings of irrelevant men. Just say no. Keep things as civil as possible, but your priority should be you and your feelings.

And there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be wined and dined. The people (of any gender) who think there is are not for you and are welcome to date each other. Go see what the dating agency shoots your way. I hope you have a fabulous time! 😁

@Aprilx - you don't need to feel sorry for me. I'm doing very well in my professional life and have people in my life who would do anything for me.

I've read countless similar posts on this website.

Im just conflicted as sometimes I think he is nice, sometimes I don't.

I Am recovering from surgery so yes I have time to think about it a lot this week as im off work.

I just don't want to come across as bitchy. I feel sad for you actually that you have to be so bitchy to someone just asking for advice. I guess bitchiness is second nature to some.

Sorry but this is a fuss over nothing. You went on a date and you weren't blown away, OK, no big deal, that's how it goes often. Simply text him "it was nice to meet you but I don't think we are a match, take care".

To me this guy sounds extremely thick skinned, a cheapskate, and a complete waste if time. Also really good looking men are generally crap in bed as they think you are lucky to receive the golden dong. Say you're back with an ex if you think he'll back off and make it easy on you.
I think you sound great.

What do you want to do OP? Do you want to keep chasing an angry man you've met once who lives in Spain because he's good looking and you think he might pay for your ticket?
The rest is kind of irrelevant. Splitting the bill wouldn't bother me. Him offering to 'treat' you and then splitting the bill when you offered your card wouldn't bother me. You agreeing to be 'treated' and then pretending to offer to split the bill I'd find a little strange. And I'd be put off that you think he was wrong to accept your fake offer-it seems sexist to me. But I wouldn't really care because a long distance relationship/fling with an angry man wouldn't be for me anyway. Even if he was good looking. So 🤷🏻‍♀️ if you don't want to pursue him just tell him you're not interested in pursuing anything. Done.

You have had pages of advice, including from me earlier, but you choose to ignore it because you like the drama. This is a total non event that you are dragging out to be something that it isn’t.

^ This is a wonderfully succinct summary!

Ok, so you keep thinking about him and you're a bit "meh, maybe I will, maybe I won't." And that's exactly what you're getting from him. Waits between messages but then he shrugs and thinks "but do I want to close that door?"

This is why people are saying it's needless drama. You're clearly neither of you much into the other, most of us couldn't be bothered in that case.

@OhHenry - It's very clear from your messages that your codependency is preventing you from seeing things clearly here, and from making healthy choices. The reason so many of us are being forthright, and sometimes to the point of being abrupt or frustrated, is that from the outside we can see what a mess you're getting yourself into if you continue down this road.

Tell him thanks but no thanks and end the connection. It is that simple. If, to you, it feels far from simple, then perhaps consider that that is because you find yourself disempowered in this to the point where you can no longer vouch for your own wellbeing. If you are still attracted to him in some way, consider that this attraction is the unhealthy pull of the codependent to the abuser. Because he will be abusive, I promise you that.

Is this your first experience with a difficult or abusive relationship? I doubt it. In fact, I'm going to suggest that your relationship blueprint from your family is one that has elements of abuse, or abandonment, or both.

Please get some help so that you're able to choose differently.

@Tsort - I think you are spot on. I'll reserve the blocking if he really doesn't take no for an answer.

Thank you for your well wishes regarding the dating agency 😊

@Pugsbladder - golden dong 😂😂....that really made me laugh! Good idea about saying I'm back with an ex. And thank you for the compliment.

@WaitingForBion - oh wow. Some crazy assumptions there. I come from a very close knit family. I have extremely supportive parents and have certainly never experienced abuse or abandonment. I am super lucky when it comes to family.

Sadly women being attracted to arseholes isn't that uncommon. There isn't always a deep rooted family issue, there certainly isn't with me.

But I would say my confidence is low at the moment yes.