Would this put you off? Should I give him a chance or ghost/block?

[OhHenry]

Hi all,

Though I would start my own thread as I had sort of hijacked another thread

Over summer my friend gave her boyfriends work colleague my number to set us up. He is European. Took us ages to set up a date as both were away over summer etc.

Before our date he decided he was going to return to his home country to live but said he still really wanted to meet.

I think he decided to return as he was fired from his job. He was front of house in the restaurant my friends boyfriend also worked at. Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry.

Another friend of mine said he might just be fiery just due to his nationality and not to let it put me off. He is Spanish/Dutch.

Anyway, went on the date. Met in a bar. He bought the drinks, we only stayed for one round and then went to get something to eat ( he had actually said to me over text he would take me to a nice restaurant) ....however we went out on a Sunday night as it's the only night I was available before he went back home. It was pretty quiet and some restaurants were closed so we just went to a pizza place.

He also told me on this date that before that restaurant job he worked in a local hotel and got into a disagreement with the owners son, got sacked and permanently banned from the hotel lol.

Anyway, the bill was only £40 and I got my card out as I have always offered to split the bill on a date...he wanted to split it and I was a little surprised. I've never been asked to split the bill and the guy has always insisted on paying...and yes I do like that and like to feel treated etc.

Next we moved onto a bar. He had a beer and a Cocktail and I had two cocktails. Again I got my card out to split, but the waiter automatically took it all of his card as he went to pay first. The waiter was around our age, so not like he is from a different generation. (30's) .I felt awkward and the guy I was on the date with said ' oh you can just send me the money' ...he uses revolut which I don't have so I said sorry I don't have that/know how it works and if you weren't going back home I would get the drinks another time....so he said 'yea just buy me one in Spain'

We went back to his ( I paid for the taxi) and I didn't stay long. Had a kiss but that was it.

Anyway, he went back to Spain a few days later and said bad timing as he had just been on a date with me. We have been texting and he has invited me out to Spain. I said I would go but would obviously not stay at his place.

Not the weekend past but the weekend before he took a few days to reply to a message. He Has done this before. So when he messaged back, he said he was swamped with work etc, sorry for the late reply.

I ignored because I'm not going to rush to respond when he hasn't. Also the whole asking me for money for cocktails and splitting dinner bill really is a turn off for me, so I kind of thought ' okay I'll just leave it'

But then he sent more messages saying he will buy me a ticket to Spain if I guess the following song ( sent a clip of him playing the guitar) again I didn't respond, so he sent another message saying ' I hope you aren't ghosting me because you found a more handsome and spanisher lad to talk to' ...again I ignored so a few days later he sent me a message asking if I was okay. I was actually in London at this point to get a minor operation so was a tad nervous and distracted. . I get back from theatre and there is another message from him saying 'if there is a reason you are not talking to me I would like to know. Not gonna be begging for your attention but I'd be disappointed if we stopped talking and I didn't know the reason why...'

So I actually sent him a hospital selfie and Said not a great time for me etc just had surgery...so he has been all attentive, checking in with me etc. said that he would like to spend more time with me and enjoy my company whether in Spain or in my city. And that he wishes we had seen more of each other before he went back home, I seem really nice and he would like to see more of it etc etc.

I'm not sure now how to get him to stop talking to me! I am actually signed up to a dating agency which I had to postpone due to my surgery, so part of me was like I should see where it goes with this guy, then the other part of me thought no, wait and see how to dating agency thing goes.

I can't ghost him as he will just keep sending me messages. Blocking feels a tad harsh...part of me wants to tell him that his meanness with dinner etc really turned me off.

But there do seem to be a few red flags don't there?!

Any advice appreciated. I've been very inactive on the dating scene and feel out of touch....

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

Don't be ridiculous! He said he would like to take her out/treat her. That's the very definition of paying for her. That's a different scenario entirely than "let's meet/get to know each other".

The cool girls/pick mes are out in full swing, as usual 😑😑

Grow up and raise your standards

Just politely tell him you do not want a relationship with him, and wish him well. That’s not a confrontation, that honesty and good manners - which ghosting and blocking are not.

Then why did OP keep getting her card out/ offering to split?

*Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry.

Another friend of mine said he might just be fiery just due to his nationality and not to let it put me off. He is Spanish/Dutch.*

What a dream boat 😂

I would just send a generic message ‘I enjoyed our time together but didn’t feel a spark. All the best for the future, adios!’

Agree. It's the polite and mature thing to do.

It may feel awkward doing that at first but I guarantee you'll both move on a lot quicker and the interaction will be long forgotten in no time.

Red flags aplenty, his temper.
But also you ignoring his messages and then just sending him a hospital selfie!

Cause that's the polite thing to do.
Just like the polite thing for him to do would have been to honor his promise...

I would be very clear “unfortunately on reflection I know that dating you will not work for me. We live far too far apart and I have a busy work schedule. Take care”

"Apparently he was fired on the spot for yelling at one of the waitresses and apparently making her cry."

Instant no.

And he may just be firey give him a chance? Wtf stupid arse advice is that? Yeah, give him a go. You already know he was a complete twat and got fired for it but hey, live a little, see if he yells at you till you cry or gives you a little love tap.

You say he's been ghosted before? It's fairly obvious why isn't it?

He's really not worth it. You barely know him and what you do know is not great

But he's good looking @IncompleteSenten
So going out with him would make the op the most successful and prettiest girl in the world. 💪

The guy has proven to treat others abominably yet because he's handsome and Spanish he gets away with the loveable rogue fiery temper. Bullshit. He yells at people and makes them cry.
This splitting the bill thing is a distraction from the real issue. He likes your attention on him but can't be arsed to return your message for days! The idea of a woman running after him appeals to him. He then dangles you like a puppet with promises of a free ticket to Spain if you act like he wants.
Message him and say this isn't working for you and you don't wish to take this relationship any further.
You owe him nothing.

“A small part of me is like no don't end it yet as he would be good to have a bit of fun with 😉”

So is it a decent man you want, who will live up to his promise of wining and dining you or just an attractive fuck buddy? Make up your mind and whatever you decide be honest with him, just as you would expect a man to be honest with you.

I think raising the relationship bar is a two-way street.

Next time you date someone OP - consider how much you are enjoying the womens' rights that have been won for you. Little things like being 'allowed' to hold a bank account & mortgage in your own name, equal pay, reproductive rights, the right not to be harassed by men purely because you are a woman.

Then ask yourself why you expect a man to pay for you, & why you feel it's acceptable to play mindgames with the texting. If you want to date them, respond politely ie don't ignore them. If you don't want to date them - JUST SAY SO for goodness sake.

Also - maybe pay a lot more attention to character than wallet.
You counted every drink, were disappointed by the nicer restaurants not being available, but skated blithely past the fact that this man has been sacked TWICE for losing his temper. Banned from the hotel that employed him, & made his colleague cry. What made you think he would treat you any better than that?

This. He shouldn’t have shouted at the waitress, so I wouldn’t want to date him. But there’s no need for you to be rude too.

Yea as a pp pointed out the cool girls really are out in full force on this thread.

I think people calling me manipulative and deceitful are way way overboard.

He TOLD me he was going to TREAT me. If I treat a friend for lunch, that means I take them out and pay for it. He told me that after he lost his job also.

I would never say to someone that I would treat them and say ' oh actually no give me the money for that'

If he used the words I'm going to TREAT you, as you have now decided to mention but didn't in the op, then why would you have got your card out to pretend you had an intention of splitting?

Why must women be grateful for the most basic things?

I realised that women are grateful for such odd things all the time. Grateful for basic rights, basic considerations, for the basic choices we are entitled to.

Women are constantly asked to be grateful that they are being fed, educated and are given space to live in. They are expected to be grateful for being treated with dignity and humanity.

But the fact that people like you expect women to be grateful for basic human rights, is clear reflection of what a terrible place we currently are in.

Gratitude is often only expected of the oppressed

and bitter incels.

They should look on the bright side. They don't have to take out and pay for their right hand.

Who said anything about gratitude? I wasn't asking for OP to be grateful - I was asking her to stop being an almighty hypocrite.

Exactly.

Block.

Seems like you want to end it, but think he'll disagree with your reasoning. That's ok, you can handle that. The easiest reason to give is: "I'm not feeling it any more." That's something he can't argue with! If you want to be nice, add "It was fun but" to the beginning (might be a white lie as it seems more complicated than that!).

If he won't take no for an answer, after that, then block. But going straight to block/ghost, having shown interest in a trip and sent a selfie from hospital, would be weird mixed messaging!

@missmamiecuddleduck - 😂😂

@KettrickenSmiled - how am I a massive hypocrite?! If someone says they are going to do something, I expect them to follow through with it, that's called integrity. How embarrassing to tell someone you will treat them and then ask them for money.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas - yes I think he will disagree with my reasoning. Like wouldn't probably just say 'okay' so thats why I was wondering what to do

That's ok. Give your reasoning anyway - your feelings are the most important factor here, and whether he agrees or not is irrelevant.

As I say, block is available if necessary once you've done grown up communication as above.

how embarrassing to think it’s normal to block or ghost instead of being an adult and stating your feelings

@AmadeusBreathingWater - it's called anything for an easy life. I've had messages ignored before! I mean I'm not long out of hospital...so excuse me for wanting to avoid confrontation

And for those saying I'm hoping for a free trip to Spain...HA, as if that would happen! He would only back pedal on his word, just like he did with the dinner plans. If I were going to Spain I would obviously have to pay for it myself.